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Old 07-25-2011, 10:53 AM   #1
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You guys HAVE to help me out here!
So I have been going out with this guy for other 3 years and he is a little over protective with me. Whenever a guy texts me or talks to me he flips out. I used to have a best friend who was a guy for a long time and he ended up being my bf but it didn't work out, so now my bf thinks that if I ever get a GUY friend I would cheat on him. Now people told me that he might be scared because that's what HE does on the side, but I know he doesn't. I don't want to hear anything about it, I just know him and his family or friends would tell me for sure. Anyways, so HOW could I ever explain to him that first off it never worked out with the ex-bf/ex-best friend and that I want to talk to guys too, not in that way though... Any thoughts would be appreciated!

....And I really want to see that movie!! The trailer looked so funny.
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:14 AM   #2
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"Hi SO. I'm about to go out to a movie with a friend who happens to have a penis. Looks like a funny movie, so I'll let you know how it is. I'll see you afterwards! Love you!"

I just don't play the game. If it's not a big deal to have male friends, then I act like it's not a big deal. (Because it isn't.)
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:24 AM   #3
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hahhah that made me laugh. I mean I guess I don't have to have guy friends but it's annoying how whenever I get a text he flips outt
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:32 AM   #4
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I had a BF like that and nothing I did would soothe his fears.

I told him to stop worrying about the "studs out there" who were going to steal me and pay more attention to ME.

It would be less energy and more effective to BE in the relationship with me and try to relate to me than be looking outward fending off imaginary invaders leaving me feeling lonely and bored.

If my relationship needs were being met, why would I go?

But he didn't pay attention and being lonely, bored, and tired of always having to prop up his bad self esteem was getting to be a drag. It wasn't a relationship with back and forth. It was work with me propping him up and making sure nothing would flip him out.

I eventually broke up because he couldn't get over it and I found it suffocating. That's when he told me "I always knew you'd leave me" and I was so angry. I wouldn't have left had he not pushed me away, and having succeeded in that it was supposed to be my fault? He was the broken one not me!

Since then I'm really leery of bad self esteem people. Even for friends.

It's just too draining to be around that kind of self loathing -- and while I feel sorry for them I don't need it.

So no advice other than "If you want to see a movie, go see the movie with whomever you please!" To insecure BF, it won't matter. He'll still be insecure. But your world doesn't have to shrink to match his.

Encourage him to work on this, but think about it if he doesn't. Are you up for being with a person like this indefinitely?

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Old 07-25-2011, 11:52 AM   #5
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Agreed. In a healthy relationship, people see their friends, they build trust together, and they talk to each other about things they're worried about. Try to talk this out with him. A friend of mine just got out of a relationship which most of us didn't realise was abusive, and the main way in which it was abusive was that his girlfriend was insanely jealous and gradually isolated him from all his friends, as well as insulting him and his friends, and alternating between being sweet and loving with psychological torture. He's in shreds from all the abuse, and now she's stalking him. Jealousy is not a healthy thing. You don't want to let your relationship anywhere near that territory.

Does your boyfriend have female friends? How does he feel about them? You've been together for three years, any idea why this is coming up as an issue now? Is there anything in his life which is making him feel powerless, such as problems at work?
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:59 AM   #6
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astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..
Esofia: No he doesn't have any female friends, and we used to party when we just met and go out and do stuff with people but now we're settled with out jobs and I also go to school full time so we kind of lost all of our friends ( meaning we barely see them)
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Old 07-25-2011, 12:01 PM   #7
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Personally, I will never tolerate this kind of behavior from any guy because A) it is disrespectful: He is basically insinuating that you have low morals B) it is controlling: No one should ever tell you who you can talk to or to whom you can't. BIG RED FLAG!

I have been in a relationship like this before where my ex flipped out when I went out with my sister and a male friend visiting from Australia out for dinner. He accused me of cheating on him when I turned off my phone because he called me around 40 times in an hour (not exaggerating) and it was getting very embarrassing. After my sister talked to him, he conceded that I did not cheat on him however I was "thinking" of cheating on him I should have listened to my gut and ran, however I stayed and tried to work things out with him. Less than a year later, he cheated on me with a subordinate from work.

I asked my now husband if he ever got jealous or upset when I talked to other guys. He said that it didn't bother him because he trusted me, and that if I were the cheating kind, his jealous and temper tantrums will not stop me from cheating.
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Old 07-25-2011, 12:07 PM   #8
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That sounds stressful for both of you, hon. Time to rekindle your social life together, maybe? I was about to suggest student parties since you're studying (and I take my hat off to you for studying while working, it's not easy), but something where you both know roughly the same number of people would probably be best. Dig out those friends you haven't seen in ages. I hate it when I suddenly realise that a friendship has slid into the fog for no better reason than absent-mindedness.

What's wrong with him texting other women? It's hardly adultery! If he wants to cheat on you then trying to stop him from seeing people won't stop him, but restricting his life and making him feel trapped is more likely to encourage furtiveness and even infidelity. After all, look how that sort of behaviour is making you feel. Talk about it together, talk about how you both feel about fidelity and each other. It's a much better solution to the first pangs of unwarranted jealousy than letting it push you apart and isolate you both from your friends.

ETA: That was address to Pointless, not Nina who sounds like she's in a nice healthy relationship!

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Old 07-25-2011, 01:05 PM   #9
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communication is definitely the key....along with trust...it sounds like the OP bf doesnt trust her and it sounds like that's based in his own insecurities and issues

DH and i met when we were both right out of young, dysfunctional yet long-term relationships....some of those issues still surface every once in awhile but we're able to work through them...i know he has lots of friends who are girls, he has ex girlfriends on facebook while i have an ex boyfriend on mine...but i trust that he's not sneaking around on me and he trusts me with the same....i know that if i was every truly uncomfortable with a situation, that he would be respectful of that and that i would do the same for him

sometimes his past issues surface and i try to work with that and understand it....he got out of a bad relationship before where his gf even literally stabbed him in the back with a knife!....he worries if he can't get ahold of me sometimes, it makes him nervous if i'm out doing things in the evening that arent part of my usual routine, stuff like that....but we both recognize that it's residue from the past and we both understand that and work with it...rather than me thinking "omg he doesnt trust me" and flip out
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Old 07-25-2011, 02:31 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by pointless2011 View Post
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..
If he can't text other girls, why can you text other guys?
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Old 07-25-2011, 02:35 PM   #11
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Just food for thought but --- if this guy of yours is this jealous and possessive now, what is he going to be like when you lose those 20 pounds? Because even that one variable of losing weight can cause havoc on a relationship even when the guy is just a little bit insecure. His reason (or your opinion) for him thinking you can't be friends with a guy because it MIGHT lead to something else is just.....a bad excuse.

I have a couple male friends too but the minute I am in a relationship I make sure my new significant other meets these male friends of mine. There is no hiding, no lying, no nothing. If my new SO has issues then, well, those are his to own. I can only listen to him, see if his concerns are valid and discuss what kind of compromise we can come to.

Are your bf's concerns valid or is he just acting like an insecure brat? Basically, is he handling this with maturity? When I was younger I used to look at this behavior as flattering. Now it's just unattractive and annoying.

And remember.... it's likely to get worse the closer you get to your goal weight.

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Old 07-25-2011, 03:01 PM   #12
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by pointless2011
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..
If he can't text other girls, why can you text other guys?
This is just my opinion....

I'm sorry but if my man was taking off to hang out with other girls and I wasn't there, it would be a VERY big deal and I'd break off the relationship. This includes texting other girls or talking to them on the phone. If we are in a relationship, than I expect him to only be with me. He can hang with his girl buddies, but not without me there. Stuff can happen without anyone meaning for it to happen. Its less likely to happen if your not alone with someone or you just avoid them altogether.

If your not willing to stop texting other guys or talking to them even though you know it bothers him, than maybe its time to move on. After all, if he was doing it, than everyone here would be telling you to lay down the law, or dump him, and you admitted you wouldn't like it. So why not put yourself in his shoes? Or just treat him the way you want him to treat you?

Again, its just my opinon.

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Old 07-25-2011, 03:08 PM   #13
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Quote:
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..
Weird. I think texting friends is harmless.

Quote:
What's wrong with him texting other women? It's hardly adultery! If he wants to cheat on you then trying to stop him from seeing people won't stop him, but restricting his life and making him feel trapped is more likely to encourage furtiveness and even infidelity. After all, look how that sort of behaviour is making you feel. Talk about it together, talk about how you both feel about fidelity and each other. It's a much better solution to the first pangs of unwarranted jealousy than letting it push you apart and isolate you both from your friends.
This was well put.

I'd encourage you guys to talk all this out. It is needlessly cramping you both not to have friendships with other people.

I know you are a couple, but just couples cannot be it. Never interact with the rest of the world? That's not realistic.

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Old 07-25-2011, 03:22 PM   #14
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I have been married a LONG time and I have no male friends that are not my DH male friends and he would NOT like it if I was texting and talking to them without him being involved in the exchange. On the filp side, he has NO female friends that are not my female friends. If he talks or texts them, I want to know what it is about.
We do not have trust issues but I think it is a respect thing. When we go out there use to be one female who hugged him a little to long and every time we saw her, I made sure that he knew how I felt and because he did know, he avoided her even when we are out together.
JMO but I think it would be disrespectful to my husband to develop a close friendship with a male and I would feel disrespected if he developed a close relationship with a female.
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Old 07-25-2011, 07:59 PM   #15
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As a 41 y.o., I've had experience with this all my life. Here's what I learned.

A woman wants female friends. A woman appreciates male friends. Why? IDk, coz they"re cool! I loved my guy friends! It's an entirely different dynamic.

Here's what I learned. Every single one of my guy friends has admitted to a sexual attraction to me and they knew I didn't want "it" from them, so they settled for platonic. But the entire motive was to eventually develop the friendship into something more than that.

"When Harry met Sally" exemplifies this scenario.

Also, my ex made me end all friendships with my male friends. Some of them were lifelong friends. Out of respect, I ended those contacts. I miss them dearly. However, my ex was right. Even my life long male friend, who admitted to wanting more, now that I'm divorced, he's married, I tried to rekindle that friendship and guess what? Now that he's married, he hasn't responded to me. Why? Because, I think, he's found his love. He doesn't want my friendship...because my friendship, to him, was meant to be turned into something better.

As an unmarried woman with a bf, I encourage my bf to maintain any female friendships he has had. He refuses. He's even rude to those women! Why? I think it's because those chicks weren't his "friends", they were his "list" girls - girls he could go to if/when he wanted more than friends. He doesn't care about them like girls care about guy friends.

It's sorry and sad, but I really do think that guys and girls can't be friends unless they're friends as couples. Or friends as, let's say, your bf's best guy friend is also friends with you out of respect.

That all said, my ex's reaction and actions to my being friends ended up being on the abusiveness side and not the healthy side. So, rather than worry about why your bf is a pain when it comes to your having guy friends, examine how he's dealing with it to judge if he's of healthy mind. If he's putting ultimatums and punishments up in his response, really look at that. If he's merely saying the Harry met Sally thing and letting you go about your business without much strife, then consider the Harry met Sally thing, decide who you love more (the friends or the bf) and do what you think is right.

Eventually, if bf and you end up married, it's pretty clear to me, in all the healthy marriages I have ever known, men own man friendships, and women own woman friendships and the ones that cross over are couple friendships.

That's just how it is. Guys don't seek women for friends. They seek the possibility of something more.

Just my opinion.
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