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Old 07-14-2011, 10:47 AM   #1
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I have friends who are fat (imagine that!) and some of them are dieting/exercising and really doing well. I feel like I too, have done pretty good, even tho I do get discouraged at times (i.e. not losing as fast as I'd like, gaining each TOM, etc.) And as friends, we often share our goals, mistakes, tips, etc - you know... like here.

But there's this ONE friend... whom I haven't seen in a year... and, well... She has gained even more weight since I last saw her. We are not quite the same height; she is taller by 3" or so - but our body composition is basically the same. Since January 1, I have lost 20 lbs and she has gained 20 lbs. I am now at 164 and she is at 200. While she did say "You look really good!" she didn't mention any weight loss or anything like that - which is fine! - I thanked her for the compliment and we continued conversing.

Then later on, she did say something to the effect that I'd "obviously lost some weight" and then lamented how she'd gained weight, and didn't understand it because "I still eat less than 1000 calories per day!" Of course, she admits to "never giving up my wine!" habit and drinks nearly a bottle PER DAY. (no calories there, right?)

I said "Maybe you just think you're eating less than 1000 calories per day; have you tried tracking your calories? That's what I do - I log every bite, every morsel into FitDay" - and I explained how I THOUGHT I was eating around 1500 per day but when I logged it all in for a couple weeks, I saw that I was regularly eating more like 2000-2200 per day and OMG! No wonder I'd gotten so fat!!! Then I explained how I am now eating 1400-1500 per day with a cycle of about 1800 on every 4th day, and I have been averaging a loss of about a pound a week... then of course, she says "B-TCH!" you know, how some people jokingly/kiddingly (but not really joking or kidding) say that because they're kinda jealous? ... only, I guess I took it the wrong way, & it kind of hurt my feelings because I HAVE BEEN WORKING AT THIS AND NOW IT'S FINALLY PAYING OFF and why can't I just get a "good for you!" comment FROM A FRIEND instead of the obligatory "B-TCH!" comment?

So I quickly changed the subject & refused to talk about it anymore because frankly, I don't have the energy, nor the inclination, to fight someone else's losing battle.

Okay, I'm done... rant over... thanks for listening.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:57 AM   #2
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I think that many of us have a love/hate reaction when a friend or family member loses weight and we don't. For years, I was the "thin" one. I was 130 - 140 for about two years while my two sisters were at a much higher weight and at least one of them wasn't trying to do anything about it. Then, the roles reversed. I started regaining, and they started losing. I'll admit that when they were in their losing mode and happy about it, one small part of me was silently saying, "Don't leave me behind! What about me!" It wasn't that I was angry about them losing weight; logically, I was happy about their success. But I felt left out, if that makes any sense. That may explain your friend's reaction. Obviously, she noticed your weight loss, but because she had gained weight, she tried to ignore that reality (something that may be a problem for her since she clearly is not being realistic about the # of calories she's consuming either). I don't think it was well done of her, though, regardless of how she felt. Even when I felt left out by my sisters' successes, I still complimented them because I know how hard they've worked and how nice it is to get encouragement.
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Old 07-14-2011, 11:12 AM   #3
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First, woah a bottle of wine a day? Eek.

Second,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beach Patrol View Post
I don't have the energy, nor the inclination, to fight someone else's losing battle.
This is how I live my life, lol. You don't want my advice and still complain? Tough cookies, I'm done. HA!

Third: Good job for you loosing... And sad for her that she can't just be happy for you.. or realize how many calories must be in a bottle of wine, OMG.
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Old 07-14-2011, 11:22 AM   #4
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I think changing the subject was the right approach, and maybe what you should have done before the discussion of what you were doing happened. People are sensitive about their weight. And while I think she opened herself up for it by saying she didn't understand why she was gaining, most people don't want to hear about things they should be doing better at. Ever, no matter what the topic.

And on that? Do you ever believe people when they say they don't know why they gained weight? I know why I did. I ate too much. Way too much, and a bunch of crap too. I guess if you've never once tried to lose weight, you might not understand the dynamics, but most people know that it has to do with WHAT YOU EAT.
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Old 07-14-2011, 12:07 PM   #5
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I make it a point to not "jokingly" call people names, because I am well aware of the intentions that can be perceived behind it (and sometimes not just perceived, let's be honest). Really, it's not something I struggle with- maybe in the past, but it's a pretty immature and youngish thing to do.

I have a friend who has lost a significant amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time. I tell her she looks great, and obviously I mean it- she does. But all she wants to do is talk about her diet (which, in my opinion, is completely asinine). And frankly, it gets old.

But I don't feel a need to knock her down. Nor do I feel particularly jealous (okay, sometimes I do, but I know it is not realistic for me in the long run to do what she does, and it's probably not realistic for her either).

I get a little bit agitated if my friend gives me "advice" that I'm not asking for. Because frankly, I know what I'm doing wrong. Most of us pretty much *know* most of what's to know about living a healthy lifestyle, but plenty are still unable to make it work. Granted, your friend wanted to commiserate and in that, she's asking for input, so she had no need to get snippy about it.

Anyway, it's pretty sad that your friend felt threatened by your success. Often people want to whine and complain that their situation isn't changing but want nothing to do with changing it themselves.

Some topics just need to be avoided with certain people, unfortunately.

Last edited by djs06 : 07-14-2011 at 12:08 PM.
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Old 07-14-2011, 02:46 PM   #6
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You made the right choice in changing the topic. I suggest CONTINUING to make that choice each time! Listen to her moan about how she "only eats 1,000 calories a day (ya know... not counting the wine or all the food she doesn't ever log)", nod sympathetically, change topic. Maybe when you're rocking your goal weight she'll actually take the advice you gave her seriously.

However, some people don't want help, they just want to whine.

Hope she's at least a better friend in other areas of your life! And WE'RE happy for you and your progress You are doing amazing
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:23 PM   #7
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i had one friend who was far heavier than me (although she said we weighed the same lol, who knows maybe she did) and she was the one who actually got me interested in low carb eating, wayyy before i ever tested as pre-diabetic...but once she knew i was trying that way of eating, she got more and more insistent with her advice and questions about what i was doing or what i was eating....while we were both low carbing for awhile, she continued to shun alternative sweeteners and made "an exception" for dumping loads of sugar in her juices, koolaid, and baking as well as what she made for her kids....she said she liked to jog and would brag about her long runs but after a few weeks, she quit doing that and never exercised again even when i tried to get her to walk or run with me...in the end, after many years, she hasnt lost any of her weight....and i quit talking to her about any form of diet and exercise because she clearly only wanted to give me advice and was not interested in an exercise buddy...we dont even have a friendship anymore but that's from other creepy/stalker/bizarre behavior from her
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:39 PM   #8
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I feel for you, except it isn't my friends but my sister. I have ALWAYS been heavier then her since I can remember, just recently we seem to have switched weights, I am down almost 20lbs, and she is up almost 50! She is constantly complaining about how 'fat' she is, and that nothing she does works, "Mel what are you doing?".
So I'd tell her everytime, I count my calories, 1300 a day, and she would respond the same way everytime, Oh I can't count calories, when I do I gain weight ( yeah ok then).
I have since stopped even replying to her when she says anything weight/diet related lol
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