I wouldn't go IMO. An email invite??? HA! with a credit slip attached! Another big HA HA.
Glad it's not my family! WOW!! That is quite shameful. It's fine if ya wanna go to Cancun for a honeymoon, but doing your ceremony there and expecting normal people to shell out the money for it! Wouldn't happen..
Do let us know though, I'm sure it'll be interesting! I am very sorry you have to deal with this. It's pretty shameful and pathetic on their part.
I think it's tacky to throw a destination wedding like that when most of the family is not well off.
If this was her dream wedding she should have made it clear that this was what she wanted, she understands if you can't come, and in general be almost apologetic about it. Leave people a way out if they can't afford it.
Also, I recently went to Cancun. It was nice, but if you're not a college student, there isn't much to do there besides the beach and a day at Market 28. You get nickel and dimed like CRAZY every time you try to do something (all inclusive resorts EXPECT tips). IMO a cheaper and more adult oriented area of Mexico such as Rivera Maya would have been a better choice for a wedding.
I like the idea of being involved in a hometown party and the webcam idea. Also this is the risk you run when you plan a destination wedding. It's understood that fewer people will attend. I think asking guests to cough up 3 grand is a bit much. You're well within your rights to politely decline. I wouldn't go.
Why can't she get married in Florida or California where it would be <1000 dollars for you? It really puts family in an uncomfortable position when couples do this because everyone feels obligated but most people do not have the money or do not want to spend their vacation money on a wedding.
I would be pi**ed!
Honestly, I feel like when they are not handled with tact, destination weddings are tacky. While I can understand a bride's desire to have 'her' dream wedding, it is not appropriate to inflict massive costs on her friends and family just because it would make her day more special. If she feels that the only way for her to have a wonderful wedding is to have it in Mexico, so be it, but you shouldn't at all feel as though you have an obligation to go.
It is an awkward and sticky situation to get out of, but I think that you should be as honest as feels comfortable with them. By no means should your BIL have to pay for you and your husband, and if he offers you should certainly tell them down. I think that expressing how much you would like to share in their special day, while also being stern about the fact that you are not in the financial position to do it, will hopefully lessen the blow. Frankly, she may be pissed at you, but that is not your fault at all. If she had wanted such an extravagant wedding, she should have thought it through and discussed it with the people she wanted to be there. As a somewhat puny offer, perhaps suggest that someone could skype the wedding to you? That way you could watch the ceremony as it was happening and they could see you. Another option would simply be to ask the newlyweds over to watch their wedding video together when they come back.
Thanks for the support guys...
I agree that they feel the early notice should give everyone sufficient time to "save up" but the thing is, I don't know if I want to save up for this. Talked with DH, he agrees with me. We don't know how the other family members feel about it, because we just got the invite and haven't had a chance to ask everyone else in the family as of yet.
I like the idea of it being filmed. I was married in a chapel in Nevada which my parents chipped in a grand and my DH and I paid for the rest, no help from his family, (like I said, they are not well off) and his sister (not the one in question, BTW) was not able to make it. His family was ticked that we got married in Reno, (a two hour car trip) and they were very "inconvenienced" by having to drive, which I think is a lot better than shelling out 3 grand, but what do I know? We had a video done of the ceremony, and my DH's sister watched it later, since she wasn't able to attend.
I will keep you all posted on what transpires. I am still in shock, I think.
Do you need to respond "now". As a woman who didn't have primary infertility, but did experience secondary infertility, I am always leary of statements of "I probably will be pregnant". You may be. You may not be. WOuld you go if you were not pregnant yet? DOes that change the financial equation? And yes, sometimes brides and grooms are COUNTING you not being able to come. They give, lets say, 50 invites but know in their head only 20 will accept to go and this was their plan in the first place. It's a way to weed people out without the actual "you didn't invite me" thing going on. Now, is it tacky. Yes, I think it is, but it's done.
So, my suggestion is to not say if you are going yet or not. it's easy enough to say, "we don't know what will be in a year's time. We'll decide closer to the date". That way no hemming and hawing or putting your husband's brother in a weird situation of feeling the need to pay for you. (And do not allow that - period).
If you get pregnant, super easy to say, "sorry, not advised to go while pregnant for all the reasons you stated above." Now, what I 'don't' get is why you are not OK with your spouse going without you if you can't go. That part doesn't make sense to me. It's his brother and if he wants to be there for him and you can't afford all of you to go or if you are pregnant, doesn't mean he shouldn't go. (unless you are ready to give birth).
I am planning my wedding right now. We are having to weigh travel times for family, costs of the hotels, and timing of the year for family with school-aged children. We want to make it as easy and affordable as possible for families to join us on our day, but at the same time being the couple whose wedding it is, and who are paying for the ENTIRE event, we also want to do it the way we want to do it.
So I understand if your SIL and her fiance want to do it their way. But she should (and hopefully does) equally understand if "their way" means very few people can come. I think it's completely find for you both to not attend, or for only your DH to attend. As long as the couple are completely understanding of this ("Yeah we know it's a lot to ask of folks and that many people won't be able to make it, so we just would love your blessing and we'll certainly be thinking of you that day!") then I think it's fine.
Hey berryblonde...
I am fertile Myrtle, and DH is ready Freddy. LOL!!! He looks at me and I am pregnant! But the second time could prove harder, I am older, and last year lost a fallopian from an ectopic. I still have the one, though, and I guess it is functioning A-OK. I'm super regular in that department, only change I've had is my cycles are closer together than before now that I've lost weight.
Yeah, I think if I wasn't pregnant, we'd go. It would be a hardship, but a chance for a really cool vacation. I wish we had more time. This place needs 200.00 apiece by 8/29, then another payment in Oct, one in Dec, then the balance paid in February. We can pay more and get travel insurance, which is what we'd have to do, I mean, what if I got preggers with twins and was put on bedrest? That is another reason DH and I are upset about this, we thought we'd get more time to decide than a month and a half.
Hey berryblonde...
I am fertile Myrtle, and DH is ready Freddy. LOL!!! He looks at me and I am pregnant! But the second time could prove harder, I am older, and last year lost a fallopian from an ectopic. I still have the one, though, and I guess it is functioning A-OK. I'm super regular in that department, only change I've had is my cycles are closer together than before now that I've lost weight.
Yeah, I think if I wasn't pregnant, we'd go. It would be a hardship, but a chance for a really cool vacation. I wish we had more time. This place needs 200.00 apiece by 8/29, then another payment in Oct, one in Dec, then the balance paid in February. We can pay more and get travel insurance, which is what we'd have to do, I mean, what if I got preggers with twins and was put on bedrest? That is another reason DH and I are upset about this, we thought we'd get more time to decide than a month and a half.
Of course, I wish you all the best and hope you get pregnant exactly when you want to get pregnant, but.... I got pregnant first try with first baby. Got pregnant a second time (when I was quite a bit older) but then had a miscarriage. And then nothing for 2.5 years. Part of it was bad timing. Part of it was my husband got sick several times - like REALLLLLY sick (high temps kill spermies for like THREE MONTHS), and I think the miscarriage messed up my hormones for awhile as I went from being 28 days on the dot every month, to 26 days, 23 days, 30 days... It finally sorted itself out and then I got pregnant for real.
Basically, it's something we can't ever really know.
But, man... having to decide that early? That is stinky! I guess I would say, "we're a 'no' unless we can decide closer to the date." You don't need to explain why.
Wow! If you don't go I'm sure you won't be the only one. If I was spending that much on a trip I'd rather have a trip of my choosing rather than a wedding
Put on blinders for a moment & put aside all judgment. Make the decision for you & your husband, doing what is right for you both, financially & gestationally and never mind what other family members are doing & whether this is a burden to them.
As for the bride, if enough "no" replies come her way, she will understand that there is a tradeoff for this wedding: Dream location or physical presence of family. She may be able to have one or the other but not both.
Maybe her family is not a big priority with her. I understand that. I've got an aunt & a cousin or two that I could do without seeing at any time of the year, let alone on a supposedly "special" day when everything is supposed to go exactly my way.*
*Actually, there is no day like that, ever, and any bride that thinks there is has lost touch with reality.
It looks like I'm in the minority here but I don't see anything wrong with how your SIL let you know about the destination wedding. That sounds helpful, not tacky. And so what if she wants to have a destination wedding? I don't think that a couple getting married is obligated to tone down what they want to do so that more family can attend. Yes, it's nice when they do that, but they don't have to. Just do what is best for your family. If it's too much money, or you are very confident that you'll be pregnant, or you don't want to go to Mexico, or whatever - just say no! It's as simple as that. They extended an invitation but you want to decline. That's perfectly acceptable. If enough people decline by August maybe the couple will rethink the wedding or consider a second reception or something - there's plenty of time to plan another event if they are really surprised by how many people can't come to the destination wedding.
My sister got married in vegas and it was one of those things, if you can afford to come great if not we understand. Would she at least be understanding if you guys didn't come? If not then I think she's unreasonable, (especially since you are on baby number 2) but I do see why she choose the route to get married is because it's her wedding day, why should people not get married where they've always wanted to get married just because people can't afford it? I don't think she's being tacky in doing something SHE wants to do instead of something because society approves of it another way.
Well, an update:
DH spoke with her last night, talked with her about our situation, and she totally understands. Turns out, if they get 10 rooms booked through this, they are going to get a discount and some extras. We didn't get why it was so much, when we went to the resort website and could stay with airfare for $1000.00 less...supposedly, we will get a $750.00 resort credit, where we could use massage service, upgrades, etc.
SIL understands the pregnancy possibility for that time, and she told us she thinks we should do whatever works for us, and that she understands if we can't make it, so she is being understanding.
It sucks because we are close, we both really want to see her get married. But spending money on this provides a challenge...we have it, but I would rather slip off to Cancun when I'm not pregnant. SIL did not know if we flew in for the day we had to pay for "tickets".
I agree that people can have whatever wedding they want. I did as well. My DH's extended family is huge, we didn't have the money to put on a big party, and we wanted something small, so we picked a chapel that didn't allow more than 40 guests.
I think she is OK with people not being able to make it, and I think she wants it small for this reason. I just hate it because I feel obligated to go. However, I think we are going to say no for now, but try and work something out where we can go for three days, stay somewhere more economical, etc.
My DH does have a bonus coming in September that would be anywhere from 600-2000 dollars depending on how well these next two months go, so maybe if he gets the big amount, we might go.
So yeah, I guess we are still up in the air and this is "to be continued"...
The destination should be their Honeymoon. Holy Tacky! I would not attend (even though I have the money) I would say "we will catch up with you when you get home and celebrate your good news" and just leave it at that.
