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What not to wear...(not the show!)

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Old 07-10-2011, 06:36 PM   #1
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Okay, this is going to sound terrible to some. I shouldn't even be thinking about it because it is totally none of my business, and I probably need to keep my mouth SHUT but YIKES!!!!

I have recently met a woman at church who has lost 130 pounds on her own...kind of the way I did it. She is a newer member, I'd say around 6 months, and we became friendly when a mutual friend introduced us as "weight loss twins". So, like I said, she has lost 130 pounds, and I'd say she probably has 30-40 pounds to go to be in a normal weight. She is in her mid 50's and seems like a really nice person. BUT...(here goes)...she dresses like a hoochie mama... Like today, she wore a white cami with nothing under it, (no bra) and nothing over it....You know the kind, with the cute little lace bottom and spaghetti straps. OMGosh, it was terrible. I know losing weight makes a person feel more self confident, but oh my. It was bad. I wouldn't dress like that to run to the post office...at night, when it's dark...lol. I have a few "church clothes" outfits that I didn't get rid of yet when I did my big purge...(because I had spent quite a bit of money on them). Do you think I should offer them to her? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?
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Old 07-10-2011, 06:42 PM   #2
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I don't think there's anything wrong with offering her a few clothes for her in-between sizes. More of a general good idea that if she does have a use for them, then all the better. If not, then they were eventually going to be donated anyways, so no loss, and no harm done.

I'd probably stop short of mentioning how she currently dresses, though. (Not that you would!) After all, maybe she dressed like a hoochie mama at her highest weight, too!
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Old 07-10-2011, 06:44 PM   #3
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I have a similar problem with a casual friend. She dresses too small/too tight and I say nothing at this point because I know she has a weird body image thing to work through. I don't think her actual body matches her brain body. YKWIM? And I'm not going there. No way.

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Old 07-10-2011, 08:26 PM   #4
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Tough situation Lori Bell...

here is my take on it....

You have both done something superior

you have that in common....sisters in weight loss

both attending the same church....sisters in Christ

My suggestion would be to offer her the clothes AS you share your weight loss story...maybe over coffee or something else comfortable to you where "it just happens to come up"

She may always dress like a hoochie mama ...

but He has placed you in a situation where you may be able to advise her in a supportive way.

Final suggestion from me (what we do in our house)...

Pray about it...give your thoughts and prayer 3 days and see if something comfortable comes up....works many times in our lives...

Prayers for you and her as you go forward.....
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:48 PM   #5
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Has she been attending church a long time? If she is new to church going she may not be aware of what is appropriate for wearing to church.
I wouldn't say anything about today's clothes but would make an offer of clothes that you no longer can use, if she is still dieting she shouldn't be offended by that. She may get the idea of what is appropriate of what other women wear and also from your generous offer.
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:56 PM   #6
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Ok, the idea of her dressing like a hoochie mama with 130 more pounds than now is frightening even to me! But then, I'm about as 'anti' hoochie mama a person as you can get.

I run into this problem a 'bit' with my MIL. She wears her clothes TIGHT. Like, you can see the bra strap clasps through her shirt. And her pants look like they are painted on her. She's just shy of 76 years old and it's completely inappropriate. They are conservative clothes, but worn like she's got a hot, 30 year old tight body.

She 'says' she wants people to tell her that things don't look good or not, but when we make subtle suggestions, she gets mad and says, "it needs to be this way".

So, saying something isn't going to work (from you anyway).
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:13 PM   #7
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I would go with your gut. Whatever feels right, don't force yourself to say something if it feels wrong.

I will add, some people are CRAZY CLUELESS. I had a similar situation a few years ago where I was contiunally doing something rude and didn't know it. Until a friend politely suggested I do something different, I was grateful, I got the message, and fixed my behavior. Looking back on it I don't know what I was thinking.

Some people would want to know and would be super grateful, others don't take criticism (or polite suggestions) well at all. Go with your gut.
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:37 PM   #8
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Yikes...braless white camis in church does sound a bit hoochie, and I'm not usually one to notice or remark on such things. No wonder you want to help this chick out.

I don't think there's anything wrong with offering the clothes to her, but people sometimes have a very quirky sense of style and they may be as little to her tastes as you (okay, and me too) find her teeny lacy camisoles, so she may decline. Or she'll accept, but quietly donate the clothes to Goodwill and keep wearing the tighty-whitey stuff. I don't know about you, but I would find it hard to give some favorite clothes to someone, only to see them not wear them; I wouldn't bring it up to them, but I'd secretly believe that the person thought I dressed funny and it'd make me feel a little odd around them.

But that might be because I dress funny. I couldn't say.

On the other hand, she might simply be wearing clothes she had from decades ago, the only clothes that fit her new leaner shape. She might love to get a bunch of more appropriate clothes, and you can easily strike up a conversation about how hard it is to stay in nice clothes when your size changes so much on your way down: "By the way, I have some nice things that I shrank out of too quickly to enjoy, I'd love to see them get some use; would you like them?"

So my vote is to offer the clothes in as friendly and casual a fashion as possible, hope she wears them, and bite holes in your tongue if she doesn't. Your impulse to help the woman out is generous, but she either knows she's letting "Flopsy and Mopsy" run loose more than they should and doesn't mind, or she's unaware and would be mortified if she thought other people noticed.

Your solution of offering her clothes is a good one when you can't actually say, "Hey, did you know I can see your areolas?"
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:44 PM   #9
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ISTM that we've seen a lot of women here at 3FC really eager to fit into and wear all sorts of, erm, odd choices for clothes when they've finally lost weight. It's like they're wearing what they wanted to wear at age 18 and couldn't, and now that they can, they will.

I think I'd let another competent adult dress herself without my input, especially if I didn't want that adult's candid opinions on how I present myself, you know?
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Old 07-11-2011, 05:00 AM   #10
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I think the best thing you can do is offer her the clothes. Tell her they don't fit you anymore and that you'd like her to have them as in-between sizes while she continues to lose weight.

I think that's about as subtle of a hint as you can drop and not risk upsetting her in any way. She'll probably appreciate the gesture and might even change her style a bit.

You've met someone who you seem to have a lot in common with. Try not to let something as silly as fashion come between you. ^-^
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:10 AM   #11
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I once had a neighbor who clearly needed clothes, I took some very good tops, sweators and pants, too big for me but in excellent condition, I put them in a plastic bag , hung them on her door with a note," from your guardian angel, if you can't use them, pass them on." I never saw them again., she continued to wear the same old tattered clothing everyday.
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:59 AM   #12
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Personally, I would just keep my mouth shut unless she asks me specifically asks me for advice on the matter. Most people go to church for spiritual & emotional support, and not to be criticized on superficial things like how they dress. No matter how good intentioned you are, people will still take offense if you give unsolicited advice about their appearance.
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:48 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nina125 View Post
Personally, I would just keep my mouth shut unless she asks me specifically asks me for advice on the matter. Most people go to church for spiritual & emotional support, and not to be criticized on superficial things like how they dress. No matter how good intentioned you are, people will still take offense if you give unsolicited advice about their appearance.
Some things are just not appropriate in church or the workpace either, I had to send someone home to change once,she came to work wearing a bare midriff top, that is just not appropriate in a place of business dealing with the public, just as a cami with no bra is inapproriate for church.
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:57 AM   #14
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I would also have to side with the "don't say anything" camp. If she is happy with what she is wearing.....more power to her. Self expression is a wonderful thing. She sounds like a confident lady to me.....
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:09 AM   #15
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Quote:
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Some things are just not appropriate in church or the workpace either, I had to send someone home to change once,she came to work wearing a bare midriff top, that is just not appropriate in a place of business dealing with the public, just as a cami with no bra is inapproriate for church.

Church and work are not the same thing. Most people do not have a choice when it comes to work, however they can chose to go to church or not. It is well within your right to make & enforce dress codes in your place of business, but playing fashion police at church is really not what a "christian" should be worrying about.

Personally, I'd rather go to a church where people dress inappropriately rather than a church where old biddies cluck their tongues at other people's fashion choices. Again, that is just my personal opinion.

I really don't want to turn this into a religious debate, so I am going to politely bow out of this thread.
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