Today kind of sucked, but it caused me to have this total aha epiphany moment that I feel the need to share, please do bare in mind that it is 4 am, so I'm not sure how "all together" my epiphany is...
I've been bigger most of my life, never huge but just bigger. I thought I didn't really let that effect many aspects of my life, except for when it came to men. When it comes to relationships (and sex), I believe it works in a venn diagram of sorts, in one circle there are all people you would want to be with, in another circle are all the people who want to be with you, and in the middle where the two middles meet that would be your general dating pool. As a bigger girl I feel like my inner circle just didn't contain many options. I think I am an incredible person, I just didn't think there were enough people to look past the fat to actually see that.
So now I'm losing weight, and I guess in my head I thought that would be the cure to everything. I've always been an avoider of relationships because I have in the past dated awful men, but I guess in my deluded head thought that once i lost weight then the good ones would want me, sunshine roses etc. Fast forward to today
I had met this guy, he was great (I stand by that no matter how much I would love to go bash on him at this moment) he was so kind caring understanding etc. the problem was there was a bit of a distance thing, so it made things tough but we were making it work. I literally talked to him through some medium every single day, except for today. Last night he had missed our Skype "date" and this morning there was no good morning text, and that continued throughout the day. I knew something was wrong, and I told my girlfriends that who said I was being crazy (they even said my dieting was making me uber insecure) well low and behold at 3 this morning he emails me and tells me he met someone last night they hit it off he took her out today and has decided to pursue things with her. this is getting long so needless to say I cried like a baby for an hour then it dawned on me.
Here it is y'all my epiphany
I thought if I lost weight I wouldn't get my heart broken, but of course I am, skinny people get dumped just as much as fat people. It has nothing to do with my weight or my worth. In this life we are on a never ending quest for happiness and completion. We look for these in areas like careers and love. There are so many people in this world, most of us are only looking for one. That is a lot of people to go through before you actually find someone, and someone is bound to get hurt thats just life. My not being right for him (whether it be because of location, or whatever other reason) has nothing to do with my worth as a person, (and I am very glad he was honest from the start and didn't try to string us both along as he very well could've.) I am a smart, funny, beautiful woman and I will one day find a man who makes me very happy (and me him
) there will be tears along the way, there will be more broken hearts and that will be okay, because no matter who is along for the ride, I will always have me and that's enough.