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Old 06-15-2011, 03:13 PM   #1
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Default I have nobody to talk to about this

8 years ago I met and fell in love with my husband. He was a great guy, our biggest issue was that he was a bit on the young side (i'm 8 yrs older than him). He was the type of guy who would come outside and discover a parking ticket on his car and would immediately drive to the violations bureau and pay the ticket (this really happened!) He always worked, paid his own insurance, treated for everything when we went out, was emotionally supportive and generous.
But as he got older he started to regress. He became financially irresponsible, started hanging out with his cousin (a known gang member and generally not a very nice guy). I would ask him why he was doing these things and he never really had an answer. He started staying out later and later and sometimes not coming home at all. He also became emotionally abusive towards me. In general he morphed into this crazy stranger that I didn't recognize. However, sometimes I would still see the guy I met and fell for.
After we got married 4 years ago he really got bad.
Well he came in late one night 4 yrs ago and shortly after that the police came knocking at the door. Apparently he had been involved in an armed robbery of a local store. He was driving while someone (who has never been identified) went into the store and robbed it. He was driving his own vehicle (registered to my MOTHER) and the cops came and got him in less than 30 mins.
This was his 1st offense and he received probation for 6years.
The thing is after he came home he was better, still some rough edges but not on the same road he had been on previously.
We still had our problems and actually separated for about a year and recently got back together.
Well he is now like the best man in the world. He talks about his feelings, he went to school and has a great job that he loves, he is kind, nurturing, a great daddy, and supportive emotionally and financially.
He's just about finished with his probation and this is where the problem comes in!
He had a court date on Monday. He is being discharged from his probation and has been totally successful and has paid all his fines and restitution. When he came home from court he was really distant and cold. Later in the evening he told me that when he received his probation it came with a stipulation something called a reverse sentence. He was sentenced to 4 years probation and once his probation is completed he will have to serve prison time for 2 YEARS! I asked him why would he agree to something like that and why was he just telling me this all these years later.
He says at the time when he agreed to it his public defender told him that if he was successful on probation and paid all of his restitution that most likely the prison sentence would be suspended. Well it wasn't!!!
I just feel betrayed, devastated, scared, sad so many conflicting emotions.
I can't talk to anyone in my family or my friends about this and just wanted to "talk" to someone.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:32 PM   #2
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hmm, I'd say years of waste that's for sure. But that's my opinion. clearly the guy keeps hurting you in different ways so ask yourself, how much more hurt can you handle or are you willing to handle. I'd say good riddens and take the two years he's going to jail to figure out your life for yourself and family and so on. That's what I would do anyways.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:48 PM   #3
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Abusive relationships are an absolute headf***, so of course you're feeling like this. I'd suggest getting some support for an organisation that helps women in abusive relationships. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be actively abusive right now for you to qualify, they will even aid women who have been out of the relationships for years but are still traumatised by it. There is probably also formal support out there for prisoners' partners, where they will know exactly what you are going through.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:50 PM   #4
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I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you :hugs: and good thoughts. Take care of yourself.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:56 PM   #5
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I am so sorry that this is happening I honestly can't imagine what that's like, but I wanted to send a hug.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:57 PM   #6
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I work for victims support services and see alot of this girl. First, I would think you should verify if that was what his attorney actually told him and if it was maybe consult a private attorney. As for the rest of the things going on you need to make sure he was changing for the better and not just to walk his probation! And to agree with Esofia, there are many organizations out there for women who have been in physical, emotional, and sexually abusive relationships whether they are active or not. A good place to start is to see if you local lawenforcement or prosecutors office has a victims advocate (im not sure if all states have one or not). If so they can steer you in the right direction if you want help. Also not all but some of your domestic violence shelters are not just a safe haven for battered women to live, some of them offer other services such as counseling and if you need other help with utilities, food, diapers etc etc etc some have ties with that type of help too. Good luck to you girl and even if it is just emotinal now dont get sucked into the cycle because that is all it is.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:59 PM   #7
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If ypu are saying he is going to prison for 2 years your family and friends will find out. I don't know what advice I can give you except maybe you should tell your family the truth.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:30 PM   #8
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HUGS to you my dear, this is just awful!
While I do NOT want you to stay in an abusive relationship, it sounds like maybe he had wised up in the last couple of years and was starting to get his act together.
As for you withholding this information about the possible prison term from you, I can see how he might have justified it but reasoning that he was going to do anything within his power to abide by the probation guidelines, pay his fine and on his current attorney's advice, avoid prison. He probably never imagined that he was actually going to be sent to prison and he did not want to have you worrying about it for the past for years. If it is financially possible, I would hire a different attorney.
When does he have to turn himself in and begin his sentence? Is there any possibility that he could to into work release?
I cannot imagine what you are going through. When I am under extreme stress, the best thing I can do is work on what needs to be done. What I mean is, start planning what YOU need to support you and your children when he is gone. Will you need to move? Will you need new daycare? Find a counselor who you can confide in and who can support you during this very difficult time.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:39 PM   #9
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I have NEVER heard of a sentence where probation comes before a prison term EVER and I work with a lot of lawyers. I think you need to verify this. Probation comes AFTER a prison sentence, not before. There would be absolutely no reason to have someone on probation for 4 years and then put them in prison. Something seems very fishy here. You need to call the lawyer, see something in writing.

ETA: I immediately googled this and found it is applicable in the state of Florida, not in NJ. And, they only ever impose the prison sentence if the person has violated the terms of their probation. Again, you need to verify this somehow.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:44 PM   #10
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A little-known fact about abusive men (this probably applies to abusive women too, but I haven't seen generalisations about them) is that they are almost always total charmers who do a Jekyll and Hyde trick. This is one of the main reasons why it's so hard to get out of abusive relationships, and also why it can be so hard convincing other people who only see the charming side. The abused partner ends up completely confused, unable to process two completely contradictory sides of someone they love, and clinging on desperately to the seemingly-nice side because they don't want to believe that the bad stuff is really true. No one wants to think that they are vulnerable and at risk, and that they are loving someone who is harming them. This is why I am suggesting getting support from an organisation (and/or self-help book) where they deal with domestic abuse, so that they will truly understand it.

Best wishes, hon, it sounds like an absolute nightmare. And I agree that the probation first, prison later thing sounds fishy. I'm wondering whether he broke the terms of his probation right near the end and didn't tell you.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:55 PM   #11
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This sounds like a hokey story he came up with, there is no point in having probation that is followed by a definite prison sentence. Think about it. Someone is enough of a danger to require incarceration, but FIRST let's let him run free for years before we actually punish him. Get some legal advice, he may have had a suspended sentence and did not complete all requirements of his probation, or got in trouble (that you don't know about).
In any event, if he "goes away" it would be the perfect time to sever ties.
Oh, also just thought of something, is this maybe a scam for you to give him cash, take out a loan for him, mortgage the house, borrow money from your family?
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:58 PM   #12
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Oh, and he sounds like he may have issues that require a psychiatrist. Personality changes you describe might indicate mood disorders, or drugs.
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Old 06-15-2011, 09:40 PM   #13
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Do you think he maybe violated his probation and has to now serve time,but is afraid to tell you? My step-brother has played games like that before....afraid to tell his dad he messed up,so makes up some other excuse as to why he has to go to prison.Sorry you're having to deal with all that.~hugs~
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Old 06-15-2011, 09:56 PM   #14
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Thank you all for the advice and well wishes. I have thought about the possibility of him violating his probation in some way, but he wouldn't have a full 2 years left on the original sentence, just a few months. FYI for the past 10yrs I have worked as a counselor at a parole progam then halfway house and have never heard of a reverse sentence either. However, we are meeting with his lawyer together on Tuesday so we will get to the bottom of everything.
I think it is a good idea to start looking into some kind of counseling and I had been thinking about it. We did attend marriage counseling but I always wanted something to just deal with my issues.
@gonnadothis in the early days when he first started acting strangely I too had the feeling that something just wasn't right and spoke to him about it. He actually agreed to go to mental health counseling, but I made the appointment, found the DR and did all the legwork in general. I think he was just going along so as not to hear my mouth. He had one appointment, pretended to forget about the next appointment and then got arrested a week later. I spoke to my MIL about this and she agreed that he probably needed help as the change was so drastic.
I think part of his change was the desire to be a success on probation but overall he's grown and matured a good 70% since then.
Who knows, maybe everything happens for a reason.
I will have a small change financially once he is gone. Thankfully we moved into my moms basement in Oct to save for a house. I guess that's not happening.
Anyway I will keep you all updated and thanks so much for the advice.
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Old 06-15-2011, 11:06 PM   #15
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I was a probation officer for three years in central Illinois, and I've never heard of a "reverse sentence," what I believe he is talking about is a "deferred sentence," which generally means that if he successfully meets and completes the conditions of his probation, they will dismiss the prison sentence.

It is extremely unlikely that his probation was "totally successful." That doesn't jive with my experience of deferred sentences. I would suspect that he did not successfully complete all the terms of his probation. Most of the grounds for refusing to dismiss the deferred sentence are very serious.

In most cases, even if fines haven't been paid or counseling hasn't been completed, probation will be extended rather than implement the deferred sentence.

Personally (and jurisdictions can vary, so I'm not saying this is necessarily so) I've never seen a probation client's deferred sentence be applied unless a new crime was committed.

Even if it were just an uncompleted term of the probation, this isn't something he would just learn now, this is something his probation officer would have been warning him (in fact, nagging him constantly) about.

I would recommend that you contact his probation officer and ask to speak with him or her (in person, ideally). There are some things the PO won't be able to tell you, but (s)he should be able to tell you whether there is a reason for the prison sentence not being dismissed. If he was convicted of another crime, this will be a matter of public record, and the PO can tell you that.

I'm very concerned for you, because his story doesn't hold water. And a history of abusive behavior and legal problems combined with lies and dishonesty, don't add up to "reformed man." Before you can make any rational decisions, you need to know the facts.

I would also recommend seeking help from women's advocacy and/or domestic violence resources, because they will help you find the resources you need to truly investigate and understand what's going on here. You unfortunately can't believe his unsubstantiated story (I'm not saying that I guarantee that hie is lying, but I personally would not bet any money on his story).

Good luck.
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