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future Mother inlaw from ****

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Old 05-17-2011, 10:55 AM   #1
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So my future sister inlaw is pregnant, and because she threw my baby shower for me ( I have no family here) I really wanted to reciprocate and throw her one. I asked her if it was alright if I threw the party and she said yes. Their mother later decided that she would like to be the one to throw the party, fine whatever she's her mother, so we decided that we could do it together.
I got a phone call from my FMIL sometime last week, TELLING me, not seeing what I thought or anything, what the Date and Time would be, and that it would be at her house. Ok fine, their house is bigger and she is a nurse with a busy schedual, I didn't complain about being left out of that planning.

When I was in highschool my last year consisted of going to the local college and doing the culinary arts course to get my credits, and bake shop was my absolute favorite, which she should know if she ever paid attention to anything I ever say to her. I also and always volunteering to bring desserts to family gatherings (but I somehow always get looked over).
I thought I would do the shower cake, because my FMIL isn't really a cake maker, I love doing them, and she hadn't talked to me about anything else for the shower. The shower is still over a month away, so imagine my surprise when I showed her the cake I was going to make when we were down on mothers day, and she informed me that she had already asked her coworkers daughter to make the cake for the shower
She told me that the cake I wanted to make was cute, and that she would just tell the girl that I was going to make it, still a month away so It's all good. I thought everything was a go for the cake and I went out and bought my cake pan for it and everything.

Well this morning I checked my email and I have one from her saying that she just can't cancell on the other girl, she's really excited about making the cake, my FMIL is even paying her for it, and the girl is really into baking. So I can just help out with some of the decorations.

I feel bad for the girl to, my FMIL jumped the gun with out even asking me, or considering my feeling, what am I chopped liver.

And that's just the lastest in the string of things,
for example;
-the day after we told them they were going to be grandparents, she came to my house when she knew my FH (future husband) woudnt be here and asked if I was going to keep the baby?
-whenever she referes to my I'm her sons girlfriend, never the fiance whos been with him fo oh say 6 years!
-She never tells us about family things untill the day before.
-She doesnt know anything about me, 6 years and she didn't even know it was my birthday last week

So what do you think am I just being TOO sensitive, or is she really being a *bleep* and treating me like im just some girl shacking up with her son instead of her future daughter inlaw?
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:10 AM   #2
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Hmm that's hurtful I would probably shrug it off myself as realistically, with your child, she will always be in your life and unfortunately it DOES get worse when there's a baby around.

Have you ever told her that you feel like she doesn't really treat you like a DAUGHTER in law? I know that's a scary thing to do but unless you tell her that your feelings are hurt, I don't think her behaviour will change.
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:14 AM   #3
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Oh we have both tried to tell her, she thinks that her behaviour is perfectly justified and she is doing nothing wrong. I do just shrug it off, but I just needed to vent
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:30 AM   #4
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If my MIL wasn't already deceased I would think that somehow she was your MIL , too. I am a MIL now and I assure you I am nothing like the one I had. Sometimes we just have to suck it up as they are unlikely to change.The best you can do is ask your fiance to talk to her, it might work. Good luck. Try not to let it get you down.
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:46 AM   #5
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Oh, I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread though, as your FMIL, must be mine's twin sister lol
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:12 PM   #6
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Aww, you aren't alone! I have found that inlaws can be very passive aggressive. My experience is that they play "oblivious" to the fact of what they are doing, but they know! My MIL is not very friendly. She's extremely rough around the edges and has said some horrible things to me. In the end, DH just keeps us both seperate. It's not the ideal situation, but it works for me, and I appreciate that he gives me that distance from her. Because this lady is NOT nice. She still has a relationship with my DH and DD, but not me.
Like sacha said, it does get worse when a baby is involved. However, DH and I were able to reach a solid compromise that we are both pleased with. It just took a little while. This isn't probably the best advice, but I was always one step ahead of her. With planning stuff, I always made sure to book DH first, or let him know ahead of time what was going on, so when she came around, he would reply "oh Sam already _______" She finally stopped making plans.

My best advice, is always be pleasant, polite, and perky. The 3 P's. Kill em' with kindness, and don't let her know she has an affect on you. They love when they know that. But to answer your question, you aren't over reacting, you aren't being sensitive. Inlaws are a tough, sticky situation. Hope it gets better.
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:28 PM   #7
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I feel so bad for all of you that have bad mother inlaws. I swear it is a control thing, women are so argumentative and bad it sick. i love my son in law and daughter in law like they are my own kids. I am heartbroken my son is getting a divorce from her. they have been separated almost a year and I wil still send her a birthday gift in July. I make sure I have thier birthdays on my calendar and treat them with dignity and respect and make sure I do not cross any relationship lines. I have a cousin who posted on facebook how much she hates her son's girlfriend, good lord who does that... Don't really know my cousin as she is american and I am canadian. The MIL are the ones who really need to step up and act like adults not some *****y high school girl who is jealous. The world is full enough of hurt and rejection and to all you MIL out there this is your chance to make a difference in someones life in a positive way.
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Old 05-17-2011, 02:03 PM   #8
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I, too, had a MIL from ****. She died 2 months before our wedding, but through the course of our (now divorced) 15 year marriage, she poisoned us from the grave.

How? Because before the marriage, our in-law issues caused us to take sides. For months, I defended my mom, and he defended his. It broke us apart. Then, one day, we decided that as a soon to be married couple, it was US angainst THEM. This worked for a little while...until his mom died. He constantly looked at my mom and I against HIM. Trying to make things OK, I took his side (right or wrong) and it drove a wedge in my relationship with my mom and my dad.

So I recommend you and your fiance get on the same page and map out a "how to proceed" when it comes to dealings with her to try to avoid a life time of misery. She will not improve. She will not know and love you like a daughter. People like this are blind to the real treasures in life. It is not your job to fix her. But it's your job to provide peace happiness and love in your new family - you, your husband, and most of all, your baby.

Best wishes.
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Old 05-17-2011, 02:12 PM   #9
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My ex MIL was the worst. Always in our business. Telling us what we could and could not do. When we could have children. Where we should move. My ex husband never put his foot down- ever. So finally after about 8 years of dealing with her and 6 of being married, I put my foot down. That isn't the reason we split, was it was shortly after that.

I have no advice. I just know next time I get married IF I get married, I will want to know the lady first and if I don't like her it's a no go. You don't JST marry your husband you marry the family. My next family I'm gonna get to know and very well. And I wont be telling myself it's okay. If he can't stand up to her, no thanks! lol
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Old 05-17-2011, 02:21 PM   #10
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Yeah, the whole in-law thing is tricky stuff. Passive aggressive is right on! Manipulative too. I do honestly think that it comes from a place of jealousy and it's happening on a subconscious level, at least in my situation.

I caught crap from several people in my hubby's fam when we got engaged. It went on for several years after we were married. It was just the sort of thing that you're discribing. Plans weren't mentioned till the last minute, or we were accused of spending more time with my family. Several times we were given the wrong time for family gatherings so that we showed up an hour or two late and it looked like it was my fault, or got there too early and no one was even there.

I think it's a power play. She wants to show you that she is the family matriarch and you'll have to earn your place.

I'm guessing if you love her son, and his sister, you'll win her over in time. As long as it's just silly stuff that you can work through, try to hang in there with her. Like guamvixen said, kill her with kindness, it'll pay off.
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