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Expecting too much from friends?!

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Old 05-16-2011, 09:00 PM   #1
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Default Expecting too much from friends?!

I actually bawled myself to sleep last night over this. My mom's funeral service was yesterday, and as she passed 30 days ago, I have already cried buckets over her...last night's crying is because I thought I had friends and co-workers who cared enough to come to her service, in support of me. No one came.

I had let people know with almost 3 weeks notice. One girl who I thought was a very good friend (who I have helped move; have attended home parties and bought hundreds of dollars of stuff I didn't want but she was the hostess and needed money) scheduled a Pampered Chef event on the date.

One woman (whose father's service I attended, out of respect for her) had off the whole day because she said she had to recover from going out the night before. I have sent funny, uplifting cards to this lady when she was going crazy dealing with her sick mom, and made meals and brought them to her house.

My chef boss (whose ex-wife's service I attended, to support him) had the morning off before he had to go to work and could have come. We covered shifts at work for him when his dad passed away last year.

There is another couple who we consider good friends, who live maybe 20 minutes from the service site.

I didn't do any of the things above with the expectation of being reciprocated or anything, truly I helped because I wanted to. Now I feel SO very let down. My sister had all her AA friends with her at the service, a whole wall of friends there. I had no friends or co-workers come.

My husband said 'you can't control the actions of other people, you can only control your own'. Well that is true but my feelings are so hurt!! I almost, almost want to turn mean and never ever do anything nice for anyone again. That is stupid because that is just not 'me'. But for cryin out loud, it was my mom that died!! and I needed to know my friends cared
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:07 PM   #2
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((HUGS))) I lost my Mom a year ago on May 21st....so let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss....I am still going through the greiving process.

I am also sorry that they people that you are there for were not there for you when you needed them. It's always a hard smack in the face when that happens. I am glad you at least had you hubby who seems to be a very wise man. Mine can be a total arse sometimes, but he's there when I need him even when others are not.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:12 PM   #3
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((HUGS))) I lost my Mom a year ago on May 21st....so let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss....I am still going through the greiving process.

I am also sorry that they people that you are there for were not there for you when you needed them. It's always a hard smack in the face when that happens. I am glad you at least had you hubby who seems to be a very wise man. Mine can be a total arse sometimes, but he's there when I need him even when others are not.
Oh, I am sorry for you losing your Mom too and yes I did have my husband and two boys there...guess I thought they are a 'given' - but I should be appreciative of them too shouldn't I

my husband is certainly not a 'let's tell each other how we feel' person so I should also be thankful that he tried to give me some insight. Thank you for your instant response Jules
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:13 PM   #4
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost my Mom , too so I know how painful a loss it is. The people that you thought were your friends have proved they are not true friends. Be comforted in the fact that you have done the right thing and they have shown their true colors.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:17 PM   #5
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I am so sorry.

I'm sorry for your mom passing away, and I'm sorry for all those people who didn't show up or seem to show any sign of empathy when you most needed it.

I'm most certainly not excusing their behavior or lack of action. People do very different things when it comes to dealing with other people's mourning. A lot of people don't know how to handle it. What to do. Some people are so unused to death and mourning that they're not even sure if what they want to do to help is appropriate.

I had a friend whose father had passed away after a long battle with lung disease. She called me on the ride home from the hospital with her mom and all they wanted was for me to pick up some chinese food for them. (They hadn't eaten all day.) When I got there, there were people showing up for them, but I remember my friend's mother saying she couldn't handle seeing everyone right this moment or she'd lose it. I told her "It's okay to tell people what you want. You get to choose how to deal with this."

It's okay for you to tell people what you need right now. I realize we can't turn back time for you to say "It would mean so much to me right now if you'd please stop by or show up for a few minutes." Maybe there's still something your closer friends could to do help. Even if it's just lending a shoulder, or making a dinner one night. Tell them.

Most people want to help, they just aren't sure of the right way to do it at time like this.

Many for you & your family right now.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:27 PM   #6
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I haven't walked in your shoes and so I never know what to say to someone who has lost a parent. I can't imagine what you're going through. Please accept my condolences.

I think it's pretty shartty of your co workers and friends not showing up. I totally back how you feel 100%.

What to do about it? Well, I liked what Lovely said. Tell people! Say to them that you were disappointed. After that, I have no idea how to handle it. I just think that keeping it bottled up inside is no good.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:34 PM   #7
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I'm most certainly NOT making excuses for any of your friends, but I know that I personally may have forgotten in 3 weeks time that a memorial service was scheduled. Most people are used to services being done w/in a few days...so it's quite possible they forgot. Having said that, I'm really sorry that you didn't have a support system there for you as far as friends go. Don't feel bad telling them "hey, that really upset me...I needed some friends there and I had NO ONE but my husband." Otherwise it will just fester inside you, hon. *hugs*
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:53 PM   #8
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I'm so sorry for your loss and for the let-down from your friends!!

I also agree that maybe you should share how you feel with them. **HUGS**
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:09 PM   #9
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I've always thought that funerals were very personal and if you did not really know the person that the service is for, it would be in bad taste to intrude. Maybe your friends thought that though you were very polite and sweet to invite them into your life, the could have thought that it was a formality and you'd rather have been spending it with your family. I am so sorry for your loss, and that your friends were not there to support you. <3 I would really give them the benefit of the doubt though, just in case.
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:10 PM   #10
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I'm really sorry for your lost.

I don't have much thoughts of wisdom to tell you.. My mom, however, who passed away less than one year ago, was full of wisdom and she would tell you : ''all this persons do not diserve to have somebody like you around''.

All of my thoughts are with you & your family.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:15 AM   #11
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thank you everyone for your kindness!! and for your input. I also said to my husband, "i want to tell them how I feel!' and he said, 'that will only put them on the defensive'. Well, yes that is how HE would react ( that I know for sure, lol) but if someone told that to me, yeah I'd feel badly that my friend felt bad.

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.... My mom, however, who passed away less than one year ago, was full of wisdom and she would tell you : ''all this persons do not diserve to have somebody like you around''.
aw, that is just what MY mom would have said too



and to all you who have lost a parent.

I did do a reminder about a week ago on Facebook. And I did not put 'I really , really need to see some of you there'. It just said I was inviting friends and famlly to share in celebrating my mom's life. So maybe it didnt sound urgent. I guess if I try to not let this bother me, it isn't doing me any harm.
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Last edited by VermontMom : 05-17-2011 at 05:16 AM.
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Old 05-17-2011, 06:36 AM   #12
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So sorry for your loss, and for the let down. Kind of a double whammy

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Originally Posted by fatferretfanatic View Post
I've always thought that funerals were very personal and if you did not really know the person that the service is for, it would be in bad taste to intrude. Maybe your friends thought that though you were very polite and sweet to invite them into your life, the could have thought that it was a formality and you'd rather have been spending it with your family.
This is what I was thinking too. I've always felt that the visiting hours at the funeral home were the time for casual friends, and the funeral itself was a much more personal, intimate gathering.

Could be that they just didn't realize they actually were part of your inner circle and you really did want each them there with you. I don't always know proper etiqette when it comes to these kinds of events, so maybe they didn't know what to do either.....
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Old 05-17-2011, 07:27 AM   #13
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I'm so sorry you were let down. My fatehr died in 2009 and I wasn't supported by some of the people I thought were my friends at the time.

I agree with other posters that you should tell them how you feel. If they are truly your friends, they will understand and want to make it up to you.

Please be prepared, though, that some of these people may not want to deal with your grief; if they aren't prepared to support you, you may need to let these people go. I had a friend who couldn't handle my grief and kept trying to cheer me up, when all I needed was someone to let me cry. Unfortunately, we are no longer friends; instead, I found others who were prepared to support me when I needed it and I made some new friends along the way. I hope you do too - you sound like a good friend to have and you deserve to have good people around you.
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Old 05-17-2011, 08:40 AM   #14
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I’m so sorry your mom passed I can imagine how difficult that would be, I don’t know what I would do when my mom goes, but about the friends thing I used to be like that to be honest I used to always help my “friends” out because I was a good friend but the second I needed anyone’s help who was around for me…No one, eventually I got immune to it that it just didn’t bother me anymore and when people started to come around and ask for my help again, I was too busy or I just didn’t do it. People are unappreciated and expect others to help them out but never in their life to they expect they should step up to the plate and lend a hand either. I agree with what your husband had said you can only control your actions not the actions of other peoples. Sometimes we think we’re closer to people then we really are, maybe they feel different that they aren’t that close to you. I don’t know I don’t bother trying to figure out people’s actions anymore it just always ends up in disappointment.
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Old 05-17-2011, 09:15 AM   #15
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I'm so sorry for your loss. If I lived closer I would have come to the service. Funerals are for the living, after all, and the friends and acquaintances of your mom AND you should have come to show YOU some support.

FWIW I lost both parents by age 30, and the old cliche that time heals sounds so trite, but it is true.

Good luck to you!
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