[Expunge]

I'd be very upset and hurt in that situation as well. I hope the suggestion above about funerals being very personal is true and that the issue wasn't just that they didn't care. I hope things look up for you in the future as well in terms of finding friends that follow through and reciprocate support.

[fitness4life]

Originally Posted by Gogirl008

So sorry for your loss, and for the let down. Kind of a double whammy



This is what I was thinking too. I've always felt that the visiting hours at the funeral home were the time for casual friends, and the funeral itself was a much more personal, intimate gathering.

Could be that they just didn't realize they actually were part of your inner circle and you really did want each them there with you. I don't always know proper etiqette when it comes to these kinds of events, so maybe they didn't know what to do either.....

Hmmm...everybody is different. But in my life, friends from long ago that haven't spoken in years, to co-workers of over 2 years, to current close friends, ALL go to the services of the friend's deceased parents, or at least send a card.

[ArcticFrogs]

Most people cannot simply handle seeing "the strong friend" vulnerable. It's a major disturbance in the Force, and most people can't cope. Because of this, people will often try to sweep it under the rug, ignore it until the time has passed, dance around the subject...and it astounds me how often this actually occurs in people's lives.

Pretending that something isn't happening or doesn't exist doesn't make a problem go away, but apparently there are a whole lot of people in this world who believe that it will. *shrugs*

Don't misunderstand me - while the behavior is indeed selfish, it doesn't necessarily mean that people don't care. Most do...some more than others, sure, but some care more than you think.

You have provided tremendous amounts of comfort and support to many people. Some have received, others have merely witnessed, but I'm sure that your strength and compassion are not unknown. That said, when the time comes that you need comfort/support, people may simply not know how to react. They don't know how to assume the role that you fill so naturally, and you leave big shoes to fill on that front.

Still, that should only explain most people - not all. I'm bothered on your behalf, and I'm incredibly sorry that no one (family aside) was there to support you. I'm in the "funerals are private (and incredibly awkward)" camp, but if you had directly sought my support (as in, personally invited me as opposed to simply posting the information and being disappointed when I didn't show), I would have shifted my life around to be there if I could.

(Or, at least, would have marked it down so as not to schedule my BuyMyStuff event on the same evening...I'm sorry someone that you sought support from chose to be so tasteless, even if by accident.)

Maybe needing to be contacted directly sounds rude or self-centered, but it would imply to me that my support was specifically needed/desired, as opposed to my presence requested due to formality. Perhaps your friends don't realize that they are your support...maybe none of your friends understand that they have what it takes to make you feel better. It is easy to assume that someone who is compassionate and genuinely kind has a lot of friends, and that some of those friends are inevitably closer and/or better suited to be the pillar of strength/confidant in for you in your time of need.

It could also be that since you are so strong for others, and (in their eyes) always "have it together"...some of your friends may not realize that you need the support? As I mentioned earlier, most people are already distressed by dealing with other people's....distress...if you put on a brave face in front of someone who would have reached out to you, they may have interpreted that as "Okay, she's putting on the brave face and coping. She's a rock, gotta let her do her thing"...and unintentionally retreated.

Is this making any sense? Cannot brain today, I haz teh dumb.

I wish you the best as you go about grieving and healing. Keep your family close and cherish the little things...and remember, we are all here for you.

[FrouFrou]

No offense but you really shouldn't have to put "I really, really want you to be there" If they are true friends they would have/should have been there for you...no excuses, seriously.

I am sorry for your loss lots of hugs to you and yours

[lizziep]

i can see both sides of this. on the one hand it is not an unrealistic request to have some good friends there to support you. on the other hand funerals ARE usually for family and close friends.

There is a funeral that stands out in my mind, a friend from high school died and so many people flooded the funeral from the school. It just felt so inappropriate and disrespectful to his family to me- even though I knew and liked the boy I didn't feel I was close enough to "deserve" to be there and all those kids who pretended to care just made me so angry and hurt for him and his loved ones.

i also think that funerals just freak people out. some people can't handle strong emotion or death and not that it is at all right to leave you there on your own, but i guess i can see how someone would flake on it.

take care of you right now.

[VermontMom]

I don't need any 'friends' as long as I have my 3FC chicks!!!

truly .. thank you all!! such support from you. and wisdom!! and insight. You are all fantastic.

[CrystalZ10]

Originally Posted by FrouFrou

No offense but you really shouldn't have to put "I really, really want you to be there" If they are true friends they would have/should have been there for you...no excuses, seriously.

I am sorry for your loss lots of hugs to you and yours

I agree..look at it this way, the next time your invited to something by one of these "friends", no matter what, don't feel obligated to go unless you want to. I'd talk to some of them first. If they apologise or admit to being freaked out by funerals, than thats understandable, but let them know how you felt, the best way you can, without hurting feelings.

I had a friend who refused to go to my brother's funeral,(he died after crashing his motercycle), but she got me flowers later, and brought us a covered dish of food from time to time just so we knew she was thinking of us.

Some of your friends may rise to the occasion later on, so give them a chance. I am so sorry for your loss.

[JOLINA]

I am so sorry to hear that you mom passed away. It is a loss that will stay with you forever. And the lack of support you received from friends and co-workers is disappointing but not surprising.

When my husband, dad and mom passed away there were quite a number of relatives and friends that also showed no sympathy or support. My husband, mom,dad, and myself were always at every funeral to offer support. I genuinely felt so very sorry for the deceased and the family's loss.

It was a real eye-opener for me to find out how little caring came out of so many of these people when I had to bury family members.

I heard a lot of lame excuses after the funerals as to why the no-shows did not attend. And these people never said "I am sorry for your loss." ... Nothing in the way of condolence, just a lame excuse as to why they didn't bother to show up.

My husband drowned at 39. It was a tremendous shock to me and my 2 little kids. NO ONE consoled my children, ever. Just my parents did. A cousin told me 6 months later he didn't attend "because I didn't know the guy very well." And he offered no condolences. So I did not attend his mother's funeral the following year.

About 20 more relatives never showed, never sent a card, and I have not corresponded with them anymore.
I do not attend the funerals of their famly members now. When these same people mention the loss of their loved ones, expecting sympathy, I just mention to them how much I miss my loved ones. And they still do not care enough to recognise my loss. Some people just don't want to give up any of their time to support others, but they sure expect support over their loss.
If they can't be bothered with me, I can't be bothered with them. I wrote these people off.

I continue to support those that were kind enough to help me through my grieving process, but the others I just decided I don't have time for anymore.
I won't allow these no-shows to be an emotional drain on me in the future.

Now I run into so many new aquaintences that start in on how much they miss their mom or dad, so before I offer condolences, I now mention that I have also lost loved ones that I miss dearly. Almost every one of them show no interest in my loss, so I change the subject. I refuse to be used as a sounding board for people that want sympathy that cannot extend sympathy for others also.

I was like you at one time. I truly cared for everyone I knew. But I learned the hard way that many people just don't care for others, just themselves. So now I distance myself from those kind of people.

I had a friend for over 20 years. She was also a co-worker I saw every day. She knew my dad, knew he was undergoing open heart surgery and had little chance of surviving. In the meantime she went on vacation. The third day after returning to work she finally asked how my dad was. I told her he died 2 weeks ago. All she said was "Oh." Then she turned around and walked away.
Never again did she mention my dad, offer a condolence or ask how I felt, how the funeral went. Nothing. All I heard was that one "Oh." If she should lose a loved one, my response will also be "Oh." Since she feels that is the appropriate response, then that is the one I will return to her later.
What a revelation. Now I just consider her to be an uncaring, disinterested co-worker. I cannot consider people like this to be a "friend".

I had to draw a line between supportive and non-supportive people.

Take care of yourself, remember your mom in a loving way, and don't expect much from no-shows. They don't consider themselves to be friends. They will never give up any of their time for you. You were mistaken about them. They have revealed their true nature to you. Focus your energy and feelings only on those who were there to offer their support.
Continue to cherish your caring friends and relatives. Caring people are very few and far between.

[3FCer344892]

I'm sorry for your loss, and your friends behaviors. I have always felt like I made more effort toward my friendships than them, so I have some idea of how you must feel. *hug*

[starfishkitty]

I am so sorry for you loss.

I just lost my grandma a month and a half ago, and she was the one who raised me (more my mom than my actual mom in a lot of ways) and it was ****. I'm still not really recovered, but you know how it is.... And the funny thing, I had people show up who were friends of my siblings...... my siblings who were not even related to my grandma.... and it was THEIR friends who showed up just because they knew me from growing up around my sibs and came out of respect to my grief! Point being..... people who actually give a crap about someone they knew will remember and show up! If not for your parent, then out caring for you.

Anyways, my thoughts from reading your post.... it sounds to me like those people are not truly the true friends you might have thought them to be. Perhaps you put them on too high of a pedestal. Meaning... they're your friend, but not as good of friends as you thought they were. My advice is to take that knowledge to heart, and move on. Don't expect anything more from them, and don't give them as much of yourself and your trust as you did in the past. Accept them for what they are, but don't keep giving your 100% and only get 50% in return. And there's nothing wrong with having made the mistake of thinking they were better friends than they were..... all of us have gone through that at some time or the other, but that's how we learn who is what.

Good luck, and I hope you find some better friends. You seem like a nice chick so I don't see why you wouldn't!!!

[VermontMom]

Thank you all so much

JOLINA I am so sorry about the huge losses you have suffered, the loss of your husband at such a young age, and you with small children..and the lack of sympathy expressed?! insane. And how the co-worker 'friend' just said 'oh' to your dad's passing.

and hugs to all who have lost a parent, or grandparent... and if other 'friends' or relatives treated you with an indifferent or uncaring or clueless manner, to heck with them.

I value the advice you have all given. I do need to 'see' that my people are not the friends I thought they were.

I am able to see now a couple things - I can continue to be 'myself' and be thoughtful to others IF I want (because that gives me a good sense of self) but i need to be prepared for it not to be returned. It is a hard lesson isn't it to feel that you ahve to be slightly reserved in one's good deeds?? so as not to be disappointed when it's not appreciated. I 've always kept the phrase 'a good deed is a reward in itself' but heck it can only go so far, right

[losermom]

Holly, I'm really sorry about the loss of your mom. ((((hugs)))) I agree. What your friends did, or really what they failed to do, was really hurtful. I don't have any answers to your dilemma but I just wanted you to know that we care about you here.

[dragonwoman64]

I'm so sorry about your mom. My mom died in 1996, and that had to be one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. I'd lived on the other side of the states for a bunch of years before she died, so it was not a big issue for friends or co-workers to show up at the funeral.

on the other side of this coin, I worked for a man for many years (practically his only employee), and he confided in me about lots of personal matters, regarding both his family and romantic relationships. When his mom passed away, I knew (of course) about all the arrangements, and I went to the memorial. He hadn't actually said, "will you come," but it seemed like something of a given to my mind. Well, you know that joke about assuming. He didn't seem like he wanted me there at all. I felt extremely awkward and like I'd intruded -- even though the crowd was fairly big.

I don't know what to say about your friends not coming, but it's something I sure don't feel clear about in my own life, with some relatives, friends or co-workers.