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Old 05-14-2011, 02:33 PM   #1
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Unhappy Please be honest...

My SIL is a pain in the ***. We've know each other since kids. We've had years of friendship and now years of conflicts and drama. The only way our relationship is tolerable is because we (I) keep it on a strictly family level. We don't mingle friends.

Because of the power of facebook we are both finding people we both went to school with. I found most of these people about 2 years before SIL did because I was on FB first. Therefor I've now developed new friendships with them.

One mutual friend in particular, I'll call her Dee.... because of Dee I've made a lot of new friends with a group of girls Dee is close to. Dee also knows my SIL and now my SIL is using Dee to get in with the group.

Do I have the right to flip out? Meaning: SIL throws herself a b-day party last night, I was invited but declined (because I don't want to mingle friends) BUT SIL invited Dee too. Dee told me she was going but didn't want to stay long but she was also bringing a group of our friends with her to the party. I got really upset. SIL is the type of person who uses any opportunity to think everyone is her new BFF's. I told Dee everythinhg I told you guys, how much conflict ive had with SIL and how I can't mingle friends with her but Dee didn't change her mind and took the friends there last night with her.

I can't stop thinking about it. What if my worst nightmares come true and SIL becomes part of that circle? What would you do? Do I have the right to be upset this is happening?
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Old 05-14-2011, 02:35 PM   #2
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Maybe you can be friends again?
Put the years of conflict and drama behind you and start fresh. Maybe????
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Old 05-14-2011, 02:53 PM   #3
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It's fine to be upset that you're going to have to spend more time with SIL than you'd like - who wants to hang out with someone they don't get along with? Pretty much no one! But all this talk of "the group" and who can be friends with whom and deciding which friends can mingle with which other friends? That's not up to you and it's wrong to try to pressure other people to form or break bonds based on your comfort level.

The best thing you can do is decide to be an adult in how you interact with your SIL (polite but not involved is usually a good way to go) so that you don't alienate the friends you want to keep.

Repeat after me: smile and rise above it. Smile and rise above it.
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Old 05-14-2011, 03:25 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by ddc View Post
Maybe you can be friends again?
Put the years of conflict and drama behind you and start fresh. Maybe????
MAYBE one day, but not today. I'm hoping we get there but it would take her not talking me down to other family for me to trust her with friendship again.

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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
It's fine to be upset that you're going to have to spend more time with SIL than you'd like - who wants to hang out with someone they don't get along with? Pretty much no one! But all this talk of "the group" and who can be friends with whom and deciding which friends can mingle with which other friends? That's not up to you and it's wrong to try to pressure other people to form or break bonds based on your comfort level.

The best thing you can do is decide to be an adult in how you interact with your SIL (polite but not involved is usually a good way to go) so that you don't alienate the friends you want to keep.

Repeat after me: smile and rise above it. Smile and rise above it.
Thanks. You bring up a good point. I know, I mean I know its prob wrong for me to have said something to Dee about it... she actually knew about all the conflict and she brought the conversation up to me because she was trying to talk me into going with them. So I guess I just took that conversation as an invitation to express how disappointed I was at the potential that SIL would be now in with the group. So when I expressed this all to Dee I was even more disappointed it didn't change her mind. I know I can't control people and I wouldn't want to but in this situation I know that if it turns out that SIL does us this as in "in" into the group..... it won't be a good outcome for my family situation. Sorry I'm using the word "group".... its just like a circle of friends... all really great girls. I don't know what else to call it but group... circle of friends... posse

Its like this. I make a smart decision to not mingle friends with SIL and it works out perfect. We can now tolerate each other. It was the best decision to make granted the situation between us. Now there is the potential to screw that perfect situation up... what am I to do?

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Old 05-14-2011, 04:26 PM   #5
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I would suggest get out of Facebook and stay out, i see nothing but problems with Facebook.
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:35 PM   #6
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I agree with Bargoo.
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:52 PM   #7
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Yeah FB can cause some troubles... I've seen stuff happen because of it... but with this particular situation FB has nothing to do with except thats how I got back in touch with my girl Dee and so did SIL.
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Old 05-14-2011, 05:05 PM   #8
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We can't control who others choose to be friends with.

If Dee & your SIL sometimes get together, then so be it.

If your SIL causes such grief that you cannot be around her for 5 minutes in a social situation outside of family, then excuse yourself from the group if she arrives and go elsewhere. Let Dee know you'll meet up with her later. Or make plans specifically with Dee that only involve the two of you so you know your SIL won't be there at those times.

And lastly... find a friend that SIL has NO connection to whatsoever. Even if it's just online.
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Old 05-14-2011, 05:12 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Lovely View Post
We can't control who others choose to be friends with.

If Dee & your SIL sometimes get together, then so be it.

If your SIL causes such grief that you cannot be around her for 5 minutes in a social situation outside of family, then excuse yourself from the group if she arrives and go elsewhere. Let Dee know you'll meet up with her later. Or make plans specifically with Dee that only involve the two of you so you know your SIL won't be there at those times.

And lastly... find a friend that SIL has NO connection to whatsoever. Even if it's just online.
I don't want to lose these friends but if they are going to invite SIL to now hang out I just can't do it. Thats why I'm at such a loss... in a way I feel like Dee might be doing this on purpose. She knows about all the history, she knows how I feel. She brought the whole thing up to me. I'm just really confused about the whole thing and life is to short and to precious to have to worry about something like this. My friends are my outlet... they are good ladies they are people whom I feel I can meet up for drinks and entrust in feelings I can't express to my family, know what I mean. Now what do I do if SIL is now included, pretend like she isn't at the table when I'm venting about her and her family! I need these people more then she does. It feels like sleeping with the enemy and stupid and highschool as it is its making me really sad.

I appreciate all of you guys honesty and support... its really helping me work through this! Thanks so much for reading and responding!!! (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-14-2011, 05:46 PM   #10
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I've had quite a few friends with "no-mingle" policies, and it's never worked out, while all have SAID "I won't stop you from being friends with her/him," they all have REALLY meant "If you don't dislike him/her too, you cannot be my friend."

They all believed that "true friends" would reject their nemesis too. The problem is that it's just so exhausting and awkward to deal with who will not mix with whom, because people who start with one person in their "no-mix" policy, almost inevitably add more. It deteriorates into "you cannot like anyone I dislike if you want to be my friend."

It's become my policy to avoid making close friends with people with no-mix policies.

I have one friend who does this, and I don't think the relationship will last long, because I can see her resentment growing over the fact that I am still friends with a woman she dislikea (even though I only see the woman in passing, just being nice to her aggravates my no-mixing friend. I think she really believes that her enemies must be my enemies - I have no enemies and would like to keep it that way).

I'm not saying that you're as extreme as my no-mix friend and former friends, but I'd still like to warn you that it can happen, because I've seen people turn reasonable behavior (based on the policy) into extreme craziness, just because once it starts, it seems to snowball into middle-school behavior - cliques within cliques, feuds, alliances, and worse. An attempt to control drama ends up creating more drama than the initial problem.
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Old 05-14-2011, 06:41 PM   #11
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You asked for honesty, so I will give it to you. I promise, it won't hurt much.

It's absolutely impossible to define how other adults or near-adults should socialize. That includes your friends, your relatives, your in-laws, your outlaws, your everyone. Parents of young kids are about the only people who can exercise any significant control over who their kids see, and as any parent can attest, even that stops being the case when the kids' ages get to double digits.

You cannot stop your sister-in-law from inviting Dee to events, nor can you stop Dee from inviting your SIL, if they get along. From what you wrote in your post, it sounds like both you and your sister-in-law went to school with these folks, so it's entirely possible that SIL is enjoying reconnecting with them as much as you did.

If that's the case, then it is totally unrelated to you. Sister-in-law is just doing her own thing, rediscovering friendships she thought she'd lost, inviting her old/new friends to celebrate her birthday. Those are all normal, happy things, not calculated mean "I'll-show-her" things.

The fact that she invited you to the party as well sounds like she's trying to let bygones be bygones. I get the impression that you are far more bothered by her than she is by you and that there's a lot of history there that's left you pretty resentful. You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you act on your feelings. If you truly cannot tolerate your SIL, then be proactive and make plans with Dee that include only you and Dee. Ignore, ignore, ignore any connection that Dee and your SIL have, because their friendship is something you cannot control or shape in any way whatsoever.

I can empathize with not getting along with an in-law (I had a SIL who was about as vile as a human being can be), but if she's an in-law, that means she's related to someone you love dearly. I don't know if she's your SIL because she's your husband's sister or your brother's wife, but for the sake of whoever it is that you and she have in common, try to build some bridges and mend some fences.

Your resentment hurts you worse than it does your SIL.
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Old 05-14-2011, 07:11 PM   #12
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I would be an adult about it and realize that since she is your SIL, she will never just go away, UNLESS there is a divorce, and even then if there are children involved, you are stuck with her.

I personally do not get upset if someone else is friends with my friends. Let them "mingle" It almost sounds like you are jealous.
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Old 05-14-2011, 07:54 PM   #13
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I don't know what transpired to change a friendship to just civility and it really doesn't matter. I do get the feeling it has gone on for years. You have a lot of negative emotion invested in this situation and it is exhausting. Its hard to change... your pattern of thinking, your attitude about SIL, your opinions, etc. This has become too much of who you are.

You see every action of SIL as an intentional afront to you. I see a SIL extending an olive branch, trying to find a way to connect in a non threatening manor. What if your best dreams came true and you relaxed, had fun and laughs at the party?

Life is too short to carry the extra burden of resentment and jealousy, of conflict and drama. Find a way to Let. It. Go. Forgive who ever needs it for whatever they did years ago. Apologize for your part in the current situation. Bury the hatchet. Be the bigger person. Be the happier person. People are attracked to an upbeat person more than a negative, controlling person. Be the person who everyone wants to be friends with because they know you to be an open, flexible, forgiving, happy woman.
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Old 05-14-2011, 08:12 PM   #14
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Your story made me think of a recent situation I had with 2 friends. One friend I'd known for years, the other was fairly new. I brought them together and they became friends. I felt like the new friend got competitive with me over the old friend. After a while I started to feel hurt that the old friend seemed to be taken in so quickly and I realized I was becoming the outsider. I was shocked out how it was playing out. It really irked me that I was the one that brought them together and this newer person was scheming to take my friend. That's how it felt and I do think there was a little competition going on. Now, I've dropped out and they are still friends. The old friend has hardly been in touch with me but the 2 of them are still tight.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ryeb View Post
I personally do not get upset if someone else is friends with my friends. Let them "mingle" It almost sounds like you are jealous.
I was totally jealous! It's hard to admit, but I got my feelings hurt and let them go. Due to other circumstances the new friend and I had to "break up" so now it's all them. I'm over it, mostly. But it did suck.

I think you can stew over it and be mad, but you can't make people choose. Like you said, life is too short. It would be great if you and SIL could work things out, but if not, try to have faith that your true friends will still be there whether she is involved or not. If they really are your true friends they aren't going anywhere.
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Old 05-14-2011, 08:57 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
I've had quite a few friends with "no-mingle" policies, and it's never worked out, while all have SAID "I won't stop you from being friends with her/him," they all have REALLY meant "If you don't dislike him/her too, you cannot be my friend."

They all believed that "true friends" would reject their nemesis too. The problem is that it's just so exhausting and awkward to deal with who will not mix with whom, because people who start with one person in their "no-mix" policy, almost inevitably add more. It deteriorates into "you cannot like anyone I dislike if you want to be my friend."

It's become my policy to avoid making close friends with people with no-mix policies.

I have one friend who does this, and I don't think the relationship will last long, because I can see her resentment growing over the fact that I am still friends with a woman she dislikea (even though I only see the woman in passing, just being nice to her aggravates my no-mixing friend. I think she really believes that her enemies must be my enemies - I have no enemies and would like to keep it that way).

I'm not saying that you're as extreme as my no-mix friend and former friends, but I'd still like to warn you that it can happen, because I've seen people turn reasonable behavior (based on the policy) into extreme craziness, just because once it starts, it seems to snowball into middle-school behavior - cliques within cliques, feuds, alliances, and worse. An attempt to control drama ends up creating more drama than the initial problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nola Celeste View Post
You asked for honesty, so I will give it to you. I promise, it won't hurt much.

It's absolutely impossible to define how other adults or near-adults should socialize. That includes your friends, your relatives, your in-laws, your outlaws, your everyone. Parents of young kids are about the only people who can exercise any significant control over who their kids see, and as any parent can attest, even that stops being the case when the kids' ages get to double digits.

You cannot stop your sister-in-law from inviting Dee to events, nor can you stop Dee from inviting your SIL, if they get along. From what you wrote in your post, it sounds like both you and your sister-in-law went to school with these folks, so it's entirely possible that SIL is enjoying reconnecting with them as much as you did.

If that's the case, then it is totally unrelated to you. Sister-in-law is just doing her own thing, rediscovering friendships she thought she'd lost, inviting her old/new friends to celebrate her birthday. Those are all normal, happy things, not calculated mean "I'll-show-her" things.

The fact that she invited you to the party as well sounds like she's trying to let bygones be bygones. I get the impression that you are far more bothered by her than she is by you and that there's a lot of history there that's left you pretty resentful. You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you act on your feelings. If you truly cannot tolerate your SIL, then be proactive and make plans with Dee that include only you and Dee. Ignore, ignore, ignore any connection that Dee and your SIL have, because their friendship is something you cannot control or shape in any way whatsoever.

I can empathize with not getting along with an in-law (I had a SIL who was about as vile as a human being can be), but if she's an in-law, that means she's related to someone you love dearly. I don't know if she's your SIL because she's your husband's sister or your brother's wife, but for the sake of whoever it is that you and she have in common, try to build some bridges and mend some fences.

Your resentment hurts you worse than it does your SIL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ryeb View Post
I would be an adult about it and realize that since she is your SIL, she will never just go away, UNLESS there is a divorce, and even then if there are children involved, you are stuck with her.

I personally do not get upset if someone else is friends with my friends. Let them "mingle" It almost sounds like you are jealous.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixC Chix View Post
I don't know what transpired to change a friendship to just civility and it really doesn't matter. I do get the feeling it has gone on for years. You have a lot of negative emotion invested in this situation and it is exhausting. Its hard to change... your pattern of thinking, your attitude about SIL, your opinions, etc. This has become too much of who you are.

You see every action of SIL as an intentional afront to you. I see a SIL extending an olive branch, trying to find a way to connect in a non threatening manor. What if your best dreams came true and you relaxed, had fun and laughs at the party?

Life is too short to carry the extra burden of resentment and jealousy, of conflict and drama. Find a way to Let. It. Go. Forgive who ever needs it for whatever they did years ago. Apologize for your part in the current situation. Bury the hatchet. Be the bigger person. Be the happier person. People are attracked to an upbeat person more than a negative, controlling person. Be the person who everyone wants to be friends with because they know you to be an open, flexible, forgiving, happy woman.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gogirl008 View Post
Your story made me think of a recent situation I had with 2 friends. One friend I'd known for years, the other was fairly new. I brought them together and they became friends. I felt like the new friend got competitive with me over the old friend. After a while I started to feel hurt that the old friend seemed to be taken in so quickly and I realized I was becoming the outsider. I was shocked out how it was playing out. It really irked me that I was the one that brought them together and this newer person was scheming to take my friend. That's how it felt and I do think there was a little competition going on. Now, I've dropped out and they are still friends. The old friend has hardly been in touch with me but the 2 of them are still tight.



I was totally jealous! It's hard to admit, but I got my feelings hurt and let them go. Due to other circumstances the new friend and I had to "break up" so now it's all them. I'm over it, mostly. But it did suck.

I think you can stew over it and be mad, but you can't make people choose. Like you said, life is too short. It would be great if you and SIL could work things out, but if not, try to have faith that your true friends will still be there whether she is involved or not. If they really are your true friends they aren't going anywhere.
Here is the deal. Its not that I'm jealous, she has friends but they are nothing like mine... its that we simply just don't get along and have nothing in common. She is my SIL from me being with her brother. My friends are my outlet... they are good ladies they are people whom I feel I can meet up for drinks and entrust in feelings I can't express to my family, know what I mean. Now what do I do if SIL is now included, pretend like she isn't at the table when I'm venting about her and her family! I need these people more then she does. It feels like sleeping with the enemy and stupid and highschool as it is its making me really sad.

She always invites me to the b-day party she throws for herself and of course its a nice gesture... but its my choice to not mingle friends with her, not hers. I've never actually come right out and said SIL we aren't going to mingle friends, its just not a good idea because saying that would only make the situation worse. I just want it to be that unspoken rule. I mean she has to see that things are going so much better this way. I mean we don't have conflicts anymore... out of sight out of mind. But she wants, its her who wants to mingle friends and me who is resistant. Its just not a good idea.

If those friends end up becoming friends with her I will have to back away, I'll just have to. Thats the part that makes me sad.
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