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Old 04-28-2011, 10:48 PM   #1
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Default Only 14!!!!!!

Hello Ladies,
So I have a younger cousin who likes to come to me for advice and normally it's normal teenage stuff like her first kiss with her boyfriend and the like. Anyway, this last weekend she starts asking me about being pregnant while on a period and I told her it has happened before but every woman is different. She kept pressing the subject till I asked if she had unprotected sex then I got the runaround from her saying not exactly but he was near her hole when he finished. So long story short no matter how many times I told her it was highly impossible she was pregnant she begged me to take her to buy a pregnancy test.

I was torn between telling her mom(my aunt) about what happened but I have a little girl of my own and couldn't imagine something like this going on behind my back. During our weekly Monday weigh in I caved and told her, turns out she already knew because she caught them! She said they were fully clothed and that both kids(because that's what they are!) started crying and apologizing. My aunt let them off with a warning and took away their alone time such as movie dates and school dances. But now I'm thinking that when she caught them it wasn't the first time but she won't tell me anything. Anyway, what do you ladies think? Is 14 too young to be fooling around and yet still be that naive to think that you can be pregnant when filling around fully clothed??? If you were the parent what would you have done? My aunt is currently paying a little over $8,000 for this child's quinceñera(a huge blow out when a girl turns 15 in Latin cultures) and said she didn't cancel it because people already know that the party is being planned. Maybe it's me and I'm overreacting but at 14 I was still playing video games. What do you ladies think?

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Old 04-28-2011, 11:25 PM   #2
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I was having sex at 14 and YES it's absolutely, unquestionably too young!! Because of my ignorance I ended up with a (thankfully completely treatable) STD, not to mention the heartache that comes with thinking it's "just sex."

Anything that you can do to encourage her away from this I would do it. It starts a long, tough road.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly..."

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Old 04-28-2011, 11:43 PM   #3
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tooooo young!! this breaks my heart i just feel so bad, they are babies!! but it is in everything, so i think kids are getting curious at a younger age. as long as she is WELL INFORMED about protection, and possibly even on birth control, i hope she would be safe. i dont think it is right for her to be doing this at such a young age, but it seems like she already is, and the best thing to do is to make sure she is protected. i hope i am not overstepping boundaries or offending anyone with my opinion and i also hope she dumps him and forgets boys til she is 25! lol

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Old 04-29-2011, 12:32 AM   #4
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Way, way, way, way, way, way too young. Way.

Physically, their bodies are capable of it, but MENTALLY, they aren't. Even if they think they are. Gotta remember that during puberty, the frontal lobe is under MAJOR construction to ready you for adulthood; that's what leads to the emotional problems, the tantrums, the rebellion, it's all thanks to that reconstruction project.

On the other hand - education does not give kids the allowance to ACT on anything. Education goes a lo-o-ong way in preventing unplanned, teen pregnancies. Dispelling myths like "you can't get pregnant during your first time" or "if you stand up right after, you can't get pregnant" etc. Teaching the mechanics, the down-n-dirty biology of sex is uber important to help educate the kids on how dicey it IS.

Suggesting safER sex, rather than "safe" sex is good too. Nothing, birth controls, condoms, etc, is ever 100% and a lot of schools/parents/teachers etc will make it sound like they are. Sure, birth control is 99.8% and condoms, when properly used, are something like 98, but there's still a little wiggle room for those swimmy bast*rds to get through (no pun intended).

If I were the parent, I would have had a very long, serious talk about what my daughter wanted for her future and explained the hardships of potentially having a child at the tender age of 14. Yes, it is possible to do everything you wanted with a child, but it sure is a heck of a lot harder.

I wouldn't let the incident interrupt the party; that's something that happens once in your child's life and the incident is small in comparison. But definitely taking away "alone" time is a good idea. Heck, my parents didn't even let me go into my room with a boy (even my best friend's brother, who is/was like a brother to me) was allowed in there with the door shut.

I'm 25, almost 26, and my mother still believes (and probably will until her grave) that I've never "done that"; it's a horrible situation to be in, not being able to talk with your mom about it, so putting down the foundation now at 14, not shaming your child, or representing sex as something "dirty" will also definitely help later on in case, god forbid, there ever is a need for help.
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Old 04-29-2011, 12:56 AM   #5
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I was sexually active at 14. I don't have any regrets about it, and neither does my partner (we broke up ~7-8 years ago, but are still close friends).

We were both educated and understood the risks as well as the rewards. We used protection every time, and we didn't share any STDs (or babies) -- just some amazingly fun and rewarding memories. Our parents were both vehemently opposed to any sexual activity, which actually lead to several problems:

1) They lied to us about the risks of sex. Lying to your kids is not cool. I definitely lost respect for my parents because of the strongarm tactics they tried to implement. I no longer believed I had parents I could "talk to about anything."

2) We were afraid to ask them any questions. I had a dozen burning questions, but my parents were the last people I'd ask. Parents were a resource I could have used, but the combination of lies/the fact that I would have been busted had they found out meant I couldn't use it.

3) I was sexually active and my parents didn't know. Unfortunately, a few of my "friends" found out, and this lead to some blackmail-type situations that really added some unnecessary stress.

Bottom line: The choice to have sex is ultimately up to the teenagers, not the parents. If you don't talk to them frankly and openly, they'll google it. If you block their internet, they'll use the library (or worse, they get advice from their PEERS, and then you'll really have a problem). If you lie to them, they'll know. And if you try to stop them, they'll make it happen anyway.

Most everyone here is sexually active now. Yet the world keeps spinning for us, because we know the basics like that we should use a condom, how to properly fit a condom, what a broken condom feels like, symptoms of STDs, dangers of STDs, how to treat STDs, how to use a pregnancy test kit, what to do if you're drunk at a party, etc. If you know what you're doing, and you know it's a decision you want to make (and you've also planned for the future -- pregnancy, breakup, whatever), sex can be safe.

This is all information I wish I knew when I was 14, and it's information that I had to find out on my own, either through research or from screwing it up and freaking out. My only regret about sex is that my parents intentionally made it difficult for me to get this information and I took a few unnecessary risks because of it.

Since you asked, those are my experiences and my 2c. Although you're not a parent, you could still be a good resource.
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:24 AM   #6
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14 is pretty young, but it's old enough to get pregnant or contract an STD. That's a shame that you told on her to her mom because it sounds like she overreacted in a bad way, and now they will just be sneaking around. Kids will be kids and when you're young and in lust nothing can get between you and the object of your affections.

I'd say if your cousin comes to you in the future asking for advice, give it to her very directly. She probably won't though since you told her mom...
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Old 04-29-2011, 04:59 AM   #7
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I fully attribute my not-having-sex in high school to 1) the comprehensive sex education I received plus my own internet research and 2) my (for lack of a better term) high self-esteem. I knew all about STIs and birth control (in fact I was on the Pill from age 16 on) and had a great physical and emotional interest in sex, and even though I knew the risks could be minimized I decided I didn't want to take any change at screwing up what I believed to be a very bright future. I knew I was headed to an at-least-good college and perhaps graduate school and I didn't want to take any chances, however slim, that had the possibility of derailing that.

Now that I have gotten older, become a Christian, and gotten married (my husband and I were virgins on our wedding night), I have given more thought to how to inspire the teenagers I currently work with and my future children to wait for marriage (or at least adulthood) before having sex. I agree with the above posters that it starts with giving them the facts, both physical and relational/emotional. But secondly I think you have to teach them about what they have to gain by waiting and showing some self-restraint. (In churchspeak I would call this "vision-casting.") Maybe that is college and a professional career, like it was for me. Maybe it is a healthier marriage in the future. A healthy body. Maybe it's simply wanting to have years of freedom from worry and anxiety about the possibility of getting pregnant before you're ready. (I'm not saying that these things won't happen for someone who is sexually active at a young age, just that they have to weigh the risks and rewards.)

If your cousin is a Christian or a follower of any Abrahamic religion (and you are too) I think it may help to study with her the reasons why sexual activity is reserved for marriage. Sometimes in the church we are just told "This is how it is! Don't do that!" and there is no real dissection into why. Read the Scriptures together. Talk to her about her relationship with God and about the husband He has waiting for her. I think some people believe that they need to have their fun right now, in the moment, but don't understand what fun they have waiting in their futures. Married sex is amazing partially because of the security that relationship provides. Your sex life doesn't narrow when you commit to one person - it opens up. I thank God frequently that my husband and I waited for each other because I don't believe our sex life or married life would be nearly as good at this point if we hadn't.

Long way of saying - give her the facts, but don't limit those facts to how to use a condom. Remind her about the possibilities in her future that may be compromised by her actions now (not just by getting pregnant, but the emotional consequences of sexual entanglement). Express your love and concern for her. Ultimately it's up to her to make her choices, but try to help her become fully informed.

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Old 04-29-2011, 06:22 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by ERHR View Post
Long way of saying - give her the facts, but don't limit those facts to how to use a condom. Remind her about the possibilities in her future that may be compromised by her actions now (not just by getting pregnant, but the emotional consequences of sexual entanglement). Express your love and concern for her. Ultimately it's up to her to make her choices, but try to help her become fully informed.
I agree with ERHR. A child must be well educated and this includes the fact that the best form of protection is abstinece, not pills or condom. As a christian, i am totally for waiting till marriage, it's worth it and it's best if we start teaching our kids this from now.

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Old 04-29-2011, 07:53 AM   #9
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So I know it is difficult but your aunt should've talked to her about sex and consequences. You might want to ask your cousin about what she knows and talk to her about pregnancy, STDs and that pulling out isn't an effective method for either. My mom was very open about sex when I was young and I think that helped me to make informed decisions. Teenagers though think they are invincible.
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Old 04-29-2011, 01:17 PM   #10
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To young!

I had the talk with my boys, very bluntly and very honestly. Not just about the mechanics, but the emotions too.

One of the best things I ever did. Kids need to be able to go to their parents, and parents need to learn to be calm and rational and not judgemental. The kids are going to grow up whether you like it or not. I'd much rather they were comfortable coming to me than believing the myths or worse being ignorant.

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Old 04-29-2011, 02:17 PM   #11
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Thanks everyone for your opinions when she told me I was shocked but I did inform her of options for safe sex and of all the responsibility that having sex brings on I didn't scold her or anything it's not my place at least that's how I feel and she understands if I'm not all for the whole yeah go sex up a storm LOL I just asked her how it feels to be scared about possibly being pregnant and she said it sucked and I basically told her that it's not something she should have to worry about at 14.

To what I understand my aunt did talk to her about safe sex and all the consequences that can result should she not be safe about it but also told both of them that she understands that they are not thinking with their heads on straight and their punishment was taking their unsupervised dates away because they lost her trust. I just don't understand if my aunt was as nice and calm as she claimed to be why my cousin would be too afraid to talk to her but there are two sides to every story I guess.

@krampus her mom already knew she was the one that caught them and gave them a talking to way before I knew anything about the situation that's why she is afraid of talking to her mom now she told me just yesterday that she feels that my aunt hates her and her bf since they were caught so what I told my aunt didn't influence her reaction at all.

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Old 04-29-2011, 02:30 PM   #12
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Not only is she too young for sex, she is too young to have a steady boyfriend. Suppose she does get pregnant is the boyfriend financially able to support the child, ? Who is going to take care of the baby if she continues to go to school. or is she going to quit school and expect her parents to support her and the baby? These are all questions that need to be considered.
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:52 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Gale02 View Post
I was having sex at 14 and YES it's absolutely, unquestionably too young!! Because of my ignorance I ended up with a (thankfully completely treatable) STD, not to mention the heartache that comes with thinking it's "just sex."

Anything that you can do to encourage her away from this I would do it. It starts a long, tough road.
This completely. But then again, I think 28 is too young to be having sex if you're not married. Sex belongs in marriage, and at the very LEAST by legal adults.
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Old 04-29-2011, 03:16 PM   #14
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Not sure how CA laws are, but here in Michigan, penalties for minors caught in compromising positions can result in 25 years on a Registered Sex Offenders list, regardless of consent. So, there are some serious long-term legal consequences to dropping your pants too, if one of the participants is under 16. It gets ugly!
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Old 04-29-2011, 03:19 PM   #15
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I know 40 year olds that should NOT have sex. I don't think it is as much a matter of age as it is of brains and attitude.
If the lovers know their safe sex rules, respect and love eachother and also know fully the responsibility sex brings (I don't talk about kids, sex itself is a huge responsibility. You Are having fun with another human's body after all) then they should and can have sex.
Sadly this specific young woman doesn't seem to have these points checked out yet and so should be both taught how to have emotionally and physically safe sex and also be advised to refrain until she has her knowledge set.
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