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feeling bad about myself (kind of long)

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Old 04-14-2011, 11:01 AM   #1
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Unhappy feeling bad about myself (kind of long)

Just out of curiosity I searched an ex-boyfriend on myspace....

Before I continue, I feel I must elaborate a bit. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

I was 16 at the time, and he was going on 16 when we got together. We were together for about 8 months. Anyway, he is a friend of my cousin, and around that time my cousin and I were super close, so he decided to introduce us. We immediately hit it off, and began talking on the phone for a while. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I quickly said yes, mostly just flattered that a guy would actually want me as a girlfriend.

I have always had a VERY low self esteem. That was something we had in common. His self esteem even derived from the same place mine did: he was overweight. To be honest, he was close to (if not over) 400 lbs. At that time I was only 170-190 lbs, so compared to him, I felt like a skinny girl. I have to say, that feeling felt amazing. Not only did he treat me like I was hot, he looked at me like I was a model. Enough said.

I can't really say when the relationship started to go sour. I think it may have been around the 4th or 5th month. I do know that when we would be hang out in person, I would feel happy while we were together, but then afterward I would feel almost embarrassed. And before anyone says anything about his weight, I can assure you that was not why I felt that way. You see, my mother would take me to meet him, and while we hung out, she would visit with my aunt, her mother, and my cousin who all occupied the same house (and only lived several miles from my ex). I guess I felt embarrassed because my mother saw us sitting close to each other on the couch.

Nothing ever happened between us. The most we did was cuddle on the couch, hug, and give a peck on the cheek to each other before leaving. But still, I felt weird.

Then he started to annoy me. It was little things to start out with, then it soon became almost everything he did. I jokingly referred to this as relationship rabies. It felt fitting at the time.

One thing about him was that I could never tell when he was telling the truth. He greatly exaggerated even the insignificant things he told me. Also, he never even took me out. He could drive, but didn't have car insurance, so my mother had to drive me to see him whenever we wanted to hang out.

Anyway, even though I grew tired of our relationship within 5 months or so, I hung on for 3 more months. I wanted to make sure my feelings weren't a temporary thing, and that I wouldn't regret breaking it off with him. When my feelings didn't change, I broke up with him, and he then proceeded to tell everyone that I said he was worthless and that no one would ever love him, even though I never said anything remotely close to that. I hate breaking up with people, and tried to be as polite as possible.

Okay. If you're still reading this, sorry for all the back-story. I just felt it was needed for what I'm about to say. By the way, I feel no desire to rekindle any kind of relationship (other than a friendship, but I probably won't since that would be awkward), I was just curious and decided to look him up on myspace.

Anyway, he has lost a LOT of weight, and I mean a lot. He's smaller than me now!

I'm not saying that I wanted him to remain fat, or anything, I am glad that he bettered himself ... but it kind of makes me feel bad seeing him an average body type, and me being about 50 pounds heavier than I was with him.

I remember hearing that he had some kind of weight-loss surgery and judging by his pictures, he has picked up smoking, so that explains how he lost it and has kept it off.

It just makes me feel bad about myself. Has anyone been through anything similar? Any suggestions? I really apologize for the length of this post, and I know that this has made me seem very cheap and mean, but I can't help how I feel.
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:59 PM   #2
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This could have been a friend, sibling, boyfriend, anyone... It is just that someone you are/were close to has beaten (at least for now) the weight battle when you have not. It's probably partly envy... Partly feeling like "see, even he could be smaller than me and he was huge!". You're letting it mess with your head when it has nothing to do with you. You just need to take care of your own demons. I personally don't think that surgery takes care of demons and weight issues... It does for some... Not for most others... And picking up smoking, both you and I know, is not a healthy way to deal with weight issues.

Just realize that you are important and you are your own worst enemy as well as your own best friend. Be a friend and take care of yourself and stop comparing yourself to others. It doesn't help and they probably have their own demons that eat at them in other ways...
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Old 04-14-2011, 03:59 PM   #3
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That's hard to go through for anyone. I do get it. It can make us feel ashamed that we haven't done better ourselves, jealous that someone else HAS done it, and weak that we told ourselves we couldn't when the proof is in front of us.

We see alot of that here, from both sides. People who have lost the weight don't feel like they have the support of their friends/family, to the point that others make snide comments. And then there's this side, the other party who feels sad and envious that it isn't them in that position.

I guess in the end we all just have to be responsible for ourselves. On either side of this fence there is negativity and nothing good can come from making our approval of others and ourselves dependent on these comparisons. It just isn't helpful to your cause.

He is at a place you aren't, and vice versa. It doesn't-and probably won't- stay that way, so just do your best not to let it derail you. If he gained all the weight back would that make you feel better about yourself? Probably not....so his weight now, no matter what it is, is totally unrelated to your journey. You gotta just be happy for him and let it go, then continue to do better for yourself.
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Old 04-14-2011, 04:22 PM   #4
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I understand why you feel bad, but try not to feel that way! He is most likely still a very annoying boy. Weight loss surgery won't cure his compulsive lying problem either.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:00 PM   #5
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I'm sorry this has made you sad.

As much as it may feel like it, though, this isn't a race. He isn't "winning." You aren't "losing." (Well, you ARE losing, but in the good sense, not in that sense! )

You and this guy did not start off from the same point. He had WLS. He has forever changed his body, and while I know that WLS is absolutely NOT "the easy road," it is the fast road. His fast results came at great personal cost. He has to worry about a lot of stuff that you don't. WLS is a life-saver for a lot of people, yes, but it's a life-changer for everyone who has it. Please do not envy him that fast road, because it can be mighty bumpy and uncomfortable for people.

The slow, smoother road that you and I are cruising leads to the same place. We're just taking a scenic route instead of the express thoroughfare.

I hope this doesn't sound wrong, but I suspect you always knew that you could do better than a man-baby who compulsively lied and never got up off his duff to go places with you. You were happy to have a boyfriend, but he was never meant to be YOUR boyfriend, as your "relationship rabies" later told you. It sounds like you never spent time alone with him, and without that, there wasn't much of an adult relationship there (not talking about physical closeness as much as emotional closeness, which is almost impossible to find when family is watching "Wheel of Fortune" five feet away).

Everything happens for a reason. He may have needed the kick in the pants you gave him to change his life for the (mostly) better. You may have needed to see him at his current weight to push yourself during workouts or to inspire you to try new stuff.

Also, don't envy him his smoking. I quit smoking in August of last year. My doctor told me that smoking puts as much stress on the cardiovascular system as eighty pounds or so of fat. Now I'm getting rid of both--but your ex basically picked up another eighty pounds of physiological stress in the form of a pack of smokes.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:15 PM   #6
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Thanks, everyone. Your comments have really made me feel better, and don't worry. I don't EVER plan to pick up smoking. It's one of my pet peeves. I'm going to use this as inspiration, and, yes, it does show that anyone can get there, so I should find that motivational and try not to be bitter.
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