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Old 04-13-2011, 05:53 PM   #1
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Default Wedding Question...

today i found out that my mother bought her dress for my upcoming wedding. i found out that my mother bought a white dress for my wedding.

i haven't fussed about much in the prep for this event. no qualms about the cake. no issues with the dresses or accessories. no problems with the caterer or the flowers or the reception venue. i've been fairly easy going, nobody would mistake me for a bridezilla. but is it wrong for me to want her to wear a color other than white? i kinda feel like that's a "signature color" for the bride (especially in a traditional wedding like we're having)...

thoughts?
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Old 04-13-2011, 05:57 PM   #2
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I agree.. but it could be worse- my mother in law wore a black dress with a black hat and sunglasses. Our wedding colors were Purple, Silver, and White. It looked as though she was attending a funeral.. Maybe she felt like she was! HAHA

But seriously- I agree, white is for the bride. I think thats common knowledge...
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Old 04-13-2011, 05:59 PM   #3
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It's definitely not the norm. Most mother-of-the brides I've seen wear more muted colors or sometimes jewel tones if they look like crap in pastels.

If it bothers you, talk to her about it. She may have liked the style and fit so well it never crossed her mind that she was picking a color that would be associated with a wedding gown. I mean, she's your mom, she should want you to be happy and comfortable - you're not exactly telling her exactly what to wear, just maybe not wedding white.

I didn't get have a wedding when I got married. I didn't deal with all this so take my opinion/advise with a grain of salt!
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Old 04-13-2011, 05:59 PM   #4
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No, your mother should not wear white. Tell her as gently as you can that it is not proper etiquette. Ask her kindly to return the dress for some other color , and not black or red , either. There are many other colors to pick from.
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:17 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by WendeeLou View Post
I agree.. but it could be worse- my mother in law wore a black dress with a black hat and sunglasses. Our wedding colors were Purple, Silver, and White. It looked as though she was attending a funeral.. Maybe she felt like she was! HAHA

But seriously- I agree, white is for the bride. I think thats common knowledge...
Totally common knowledge!!! Might be time to revert back to your teenage years and yell "MMoooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!"

What the heck is she thinking?? Maybe she just doesn't know the etiquette.
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:24 PM   #6
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i agree i think this is common knowledge- she either just isn't thinking about it or she really wants to cause waves. either way- i'd ask her not to wear that! what was she thinking?!
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:26 PM   #7
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Well, it might be your fault for not giving her some guidelines beforehand. When I knew my mom, mother-in-laws and even grandmas were shopping for our wedding, I explicitely told them "please no white and no black"

And they all complied.

You may be able to talk to her now....but the damage may be done. She may not be able to return it/may not want to. Hope it works out!
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Old 04-13-2011, 10:17 PM   #8
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Roll her around in red wine and she'll be wearing a purple dress?
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Old 04-13-2011, 10:37 PM   #9
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That's definitely a no-no. I would ask nicely that she wear something else. Did you know she was going to be shopping for her dress? Does she live near you? If you didn't know and she lives close by then that would be an excellent way to start the conversation about it. "Mom, I wish I'd known you were going shopping, I wanted to come with you ..."
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Old 04-13-2011, 10:38 PM   #10
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Well, it might be your fault for not giving her some guidelines beforehand. When I knew my mom, mother-in-laws and even grandmas were shopping for our wedding, I explicitely told them "please no white and no black"

And they all complied.

You may be able to talk to her now....but the damage may be done. She may not be able to return it/may not want to. Hope it works out!
we did discuss possible colors for her to wear. we decided on "pastels or earth tones, nothing neon, black, red or white"

but apparently "cream" doesn't count as white in her world (that will look so bad next to my ivory dress in photos) and now i have to try to talk her out of it, meaning she will guilt trip me. "i can't ever do anything right!" complete with alligator tears, and my dad yelling at me for upsetting my mom.

all in all, i'm sure it will be a fabulous trip to the parents' house.
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Old 04-13-2011, 10:39 PM   #11
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That's definitely a no-no. I would ask nicely that she wear something else. Did you know she was going to be shopping for her dress? Does she live near you? If you didn't know and she lives close by then that would be an excellent way to start the conversation about it. "Mom, I wish I'd known you were going shopping, I wanted to come with you ..."
i didn't know she was going today. she went with a friend of hers. and i was off for the last two days... we live 10 mins away from each other. and i offered to go with her, but she declined.
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Old 04-13-2011, 11:04 PM   #12
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My mom did the same thing - full length white WEDDING dress. Yes, you heard me. It was so much a wedding dress that she wore it herself in her own wedding about a year later. Oh yeah. Swell, right? But that's my mom.

In general, my mom and I have a good relationship but there is something in her that's very close to a petulant teenager. She just can not be told what to do. I won't go into all the very long details on how my wedding (which I paid for, but as I was living on the other end of the country at the time, she managed to go behind me and change EVERYTHING. Mostly to things I expressly said I DO NOT WANT THAT - music, flowers, jacked with the guest list, etc) but let's just say I've spent the best part of the 12 years since my wedding learning all about establishing boundaries and not backing down because she plays the "you hurt my feelings" card. Our relationship is much much better now.

Don't go over, call. Talk to your mom and say, "Mom, white is for the bride. I'm sure the dress is lovely but please find something other than white. I can go with you on Such And Such day if you'd like, and I'll treat you to lunch but no white." Don't get sucked into the drama or tears. If she starts, you just say, "Mom, I can hear you are very emotional. I'll talk to you on Saturday when we shop for your dress" and get off the phone.

You're a grown woman about to get married, you father has no place yelling at you like a child. If he tries to start say, "Dad, I appreciate that you're trying to back up Mom, but this is between us. I'll talk to you some other time" and end the conversation.

You will be much much happier if you learn how to deal with your parents now and set some boundaries. You don't want them tromping into your marriage. People can't manipulate you and treat you like a child if you don't hang around for it.
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:30 AM   #13
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My mom did the same thing - full length white WEDDING dress. Yes, you heard me. It was so much a wedding dress that she wore it herself in her own wedding about a year later. Oh yeah. Swell, right? But that's my mom.

In general, my mom and I have a good relationship but there is something in her that's very close to a petulant teenager. She just can not be told what to do. I won't go into all the very long details on how my wedding (which I paid for, but as I was living on the other end of the country at the time, she managed to go behind me and change EVERYTHING. Mostly to things I expressly said I DO NOT WANT THAT - music, flowers, jacked with the guest list, etc) but let's just say I've spent the best part of the 12 years since my wedding learning all about establishing boundaries and not backing down because she plays the "you hurt my feelings" card. Our relationship is much much better now.

Don't go over, call. Talk to your mom and say, "Mom, white is for the bride. I'm sure the dress is lovely but please find something other than white. I can go with you on Such And Such day if you'd like, and I'll treat you to lunch but no white." Don't get sucked into the drama or tears. If she starts, you just say, "Mom, I can hear you are very emotional. I'll talk to you on Saturday when we shop for your dress" and get off the phone.

You're a grown woman about to get married, you father has no place yelling at you like a child. If he tries to start say, "Dad, I appreciate that you're trying to back up Mom, but this is between us. I'll talk to you some other time" and end the conversation.

You will be much much happier if you learn how to deal with your parents now and set some boundaries. You don't want them tromping into your marriage. People can't manipulate you and treat you like a child if you don't hang around for it.
Wow, good advice. I would totally go with that if I had the problem. Maybe I should bookmark it so I have it if I ever get married :-)
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:39 AM   #14
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Just a little snippet I have from weddign ettiquette:

"When buying a dress, you want to stand out from the other guests, yet you never want to overshadow the bride.

Another important tip is to steer clear of any colors in the "white" family, such as off-white, champagne, beige or tan. Some brides like you to coordinate with the colors of the wedding, while other brides only require that you don't completely clash with the colors. There is no direct rule on mother-of-the-bride dress colors. If you want to blend in without being overly "matching," try a complementary color or a color in the same family."

Personally, I think its distasteful for the MOB to wear white, or anything close to resembling the shade of her daughters gown. It's her daughters day, be proud of course, rejoice, be happy - but dont take away any of the limelight. Just my opinion
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:41 AM   #15
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You could always ask her what color she's gonna have it dyed and see if she takes the hint.
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