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Old 04-13-2011, 03:48 PM   #1
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Okay, I am going to lay it all out there.. my business is now your business.

I have been married a little over a year. The beginning of my husband and I's relationship (before marriage) was really rocky. In a nutshell- he cheated, and not just cheated with other girlfriends, but with random women and sometimes even paid them (we lived in Las Vegas- pretty common there). I know what you are thinking- it was terrible terrible terrible. This is where my weight gain began.. you see, I have never really been in a relationship where I wasnt cheated on. The worst of all was the man I was with prior to my husband. When I finally decided to leave him because he couldnt treat me right, he basically told me that I wasnt ever going to be good enough for anyone. I was chunky, and not that pretty. The only thing I was good for was...well.. you know. Then he proceeded to beat the crap out of me. Different story, but the point I am getting at, is that I am extreemly unstable about myself, at least I was. Back to my husband- when all of this happened- it completely tore me in half. I felt like I wasnt skinny enough or pretty enough. I felt I couldnt give him what he wanted. I left. But then I came back. I am a Christian so for those of you who are, you will understand when I say, "I prayed and followed God's direction".

Since then, there have been a few sketchy incedents where I think something is going on, but cant prove it. I know it is possible that my mind is getting the best of me. 46 pounds later, I learned to let it go. Not only had I let it consume me mentally- it took my health and my weight when sky high. It has taken nearly a year of constant conciousness to overcome what happened and I still have to say to myself when my mind starts going back there, "get back over here, and stop thinking about that".

My husband is a great husband.. but he has a problem that I just cannot deal with. Porn. I know this is kind of sticky, but I need help. And there is no way I can expose him to the people we are friends with. I just cant handle it. For me personally, it feels the same as cheating. I just want to know what you gals think about this? Help? Advice?

Thanks..
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Old 04-13-2011, 03:54 PM   #2
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I don't have any advice to offer (I personally hold a different perspective on porn, so I don't have anything I can offer there), but I sincerely hope that you find a good resolution, and that you get some good advice. Being in a situation where you feel sub-standard or second best is never a good thing.

Sorry I don't have anything to give but a little support.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:00 PM   #3
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First of all, you are really pretty, and you should NEVER EVER let anyone tell you that you don't deserve to be treated well.

I don't have much advice on the husband situation, because that's more a specific issue and i don't know your relationship well enough or why you think he's a good husband. I mean if it's ONLY porn...i say let it go...but it sounds like there's more going on than that.

But the most important issue here is that you DO deserve to be treated well. I believe EVERY woman does, unless she is a really really bad person.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:05 PM   #4
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If you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, like less important that the women he watches, and especially if it gets in the way of LIFE, he needs to let it go.

No one should choose porn over helping a spouse who's hurt by it. If I were in your situation and he had cheated on me before, I could make a much closer connection with the satisfaction from others visually to physically.

Of course, you're a much more forgiving person than I am. I don't deal with cheating. I'm of the mindset "once a cheater, always a cheater."

I hope you are able to resolve things and he can understand your point of view.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:07 PM   #5
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I dealt with an addict husband (and porn can be an addiction). You either accept it or it tears your life apart. My ex husband is off of drugs, but with the things that he did, he would never become my partner (best friend, lover, person I trust most in the world) again.

I'm now happily divorced.

I hope you find a solution for this because I really hated living miserably, not knowing when my bank account was suddenly cleared out or when I wouldn't know when my life was going to be flipped upside down in a moment.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:08 PM   #6
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First of all I would get tested just in case he is cheating on you. If you've caught something from him there is no doubt about what he was doing. If not count your blessings because based of what you've said I highly suspect that he is cheating. If he's cheated repeatedly in the past and you get the sneaking suspicion that he is now it is very likely your right. The porn if anything is a good sign because if he's taking care of himself then he's less inclined to go out and find somebody else to take care of it if you know what I mean. Sorry I wish I could be more reassuring but from my experience and everyone I know cheaters almost never change their ways especially when they get back with someone they already cheated on.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:10 PM   #7
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I am confused? Are you worried if he is cheating on your of that he is watching porn?
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:29 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WendeeLou View Post
Okay, I am going to lay it all out there.. my business is now your business.

I have been married a little over a year. The beginning of my husband and I's relationship (before marriage) was really rocky. In a nutshell- he cheated, and not just cheated with other girlfriends, but with random women and sometimes even paid them (we lived in Las Vegas- pretty common there). I know what you are thinking- it was terrible terrible terrible. This is where my weight gain began.. you see, I have never really been in a relationship where I wasnt cheated on. The worst of all was the man I was with prior to my husband. When I finally decided to leave him because he couldnt treat me right, he basically told me that I wasnt ever going to be good enough for anyone. I was chunky, and not that pretty. The only thing I was good for was...well.. you know. Then he proceeded to beat the crap out of me. Different story, but the point I am getting at, is that I am extreemly unstable about myself, at least I was. Back to my husband- when all of this happened- it completely tore me in half. I felt like I wasnt skinny enough or pretty enough. I felt I couldnt give him what he wanted. I left. But then I came back. I am a Christian so for those of you who are, you will understand when I say, "I prayed and followed God's direction".

Since then, there have been a few sketchy incedents where I think something is going on, but cant prove it. I know it is possible that my mind is getting the best of me. 46 pounds later, I learned to let it go. Not only had I let it consume me mentally- it took my health and my weight when sky high. It has taken nearly a year of constant conciousness to overcome what happened and I still have to say to myself when my mind starts going back there, "get back over here, and stop thinking about that".

My husband is a great husband.. but he has a problem that I just cannot deal with. Porn. I know this is kind of sticky, but I need help. And there is no way I can expose him to the people we are friends with. I just cant handle it. For me personally, it feels the same as cheating. I just want to know what you gals think about this? Help? Advice?

Thanks..

Everyone has their own levels of tolerance and forgiveness for various things/events. I have a very low level of tolerance for porn and cheating--but that is me. You are a very beautiful woman who deserves to be treated and respected in a manner that is consistent with your values. Life goes by quickly and thus you should spend it with someone who is compatible and enjoyable to you. If I were in your particular situation, I would seek counsel or move on....but that is me and I do not have time for porn or cheating in my life. I hope it all works out! Don't short change yourself.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:46 PM   #9
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First off I to tell you that you're beautiful and there's a special place in **** for "men" who verbally and physically abuse women. (sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm still bitter about the men who have cheated on me and verbally and physically abused me) You're so strong to be able to tell yourself to "get back here" and that's awesome

It's really hard to trust again when you've been cheated on (especially if it was many times). I completely understand the feelings of betrayal when he's looking at porn but on his side, he probably feels he's being a better husband since he's not out there doing someone else. Do you think he may be cheating again? I'd suggest talking to him about how the porn makes you feel because guys can be really dense about that and explaining might help him to understand you better because he does need to show you you're important to help heal the wounds of being cheated on previously (wow..run on sentence sorry lol)

I'd also suggest joining dailystrength.org because they've got a few good support groups where being cheated on and issues with porn comes up very often. I'm on the jealousy and the physical & emotional abuse groups and the people there can be really helpful and supportive.
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:45 PM   #10
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First of all...Thank you everyone for your responses!!

OhMyDogs- thanks for the support

Surfergirl2- Thanks for the compliment- also, my views on porn are that it is unacceptable. We are trying to raise a Christian Family- and that doesnt fit in the picture..

XLMuffnTop- I agree, this isnt our first rodeo with the porn and what not. It has been an issue in the past. He is VERY aware of the way I feel, which is why most of the time he clears the history on the comp.. this time he forgot. I wasnt snooping like I used to, I am past that. But when I start typing in the address bar and all this nastiness comes about, I cant help but delve in to see what he is up to. Of course he has denied it. Said he didnt visit the site, so and so forth. But I know that it is a lie. 1. because it is his favorite *free* site he has visited in the past and two- because he was home all evening last night.. alone.

Munchy- I think he truly is addicted. He isnt on all the time, but he cannot give it up. Not even for our family...

Nifabo- I actually am pretty comfortable that I am clean- I know because- and here is a whole nother can of worms. We have been trying for a baby for 2 years now. His sperm count is low, so we have yet to conceive and drs arent really giving many options other than IVF (my insurance does not pay for infertility). Anyway, I have monthly OBGYN appointments to check everything out and track ovulation and was just tested about 2 weeks ago. I suppose this is another thing that really bothers me.. we are trying for a baby, he has a low sperm count, and Dr said only have sex every other day so that he can build up sperm. Well.. apparently he has been waisting his swimmers on porn! And that really really REALLY ercks me. I was bawling in church asking for prayer for us to concieve. I have been dealing with pregnant friends and babies everywhere, and he sees my pain. He sees me cry and knows how badly I want to have a child. And still he hinders that... I dont get it.

Sisypheanme- My tolorance for porn and cheating is the same. Under any other circumstance, I wouldnt have gone back. But trust me. It was a really hard position and I felt I made the right choice, and I know thats hard to understand being on the outside.. and maybe it was the wrong decision.. but it was made either way! ha!

ilidawn- He knows just how it makes me feel. We have been through this over and over and over again. He claims he didnt do it this time.. but I saw the history and it wasnt like just the home page. It was the home page and about 5 different videos. Ugh makes my stomach turn.

Again, thanks ladies for your support and advice. Its nice to know that people care enough about other people to take time out of their day to support others! The love is felt!

Who knows what will happen with this. I just feel like I am better than all of this.. Like I deserve someone who loves me enough that they wouldnt want to be involved with these things.. ya know? ugggh.. always a storm..
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:46 PM   #11
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oh, and Nina125- I absoloutly loath that he watches porn. I cannot handle it. I dont know if he is cheating, but with our last bout of infedelity, it all started with porn, then moved to CL, then from there exploded into this double life.. that is what I am worried about!
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:47 PM   #12
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I wouldn't assume your doctors are testing for STDs at each of your monthly visits; ask to be sure.
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:49 PM   #13
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Um...from your last post, I don't think having a child with him is a good idea until you get this worked out.
Sounds like some counseling is in order-marriage counseling and possibly addiction counseling.

Hugs to you

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Old 04-13-2011, 06:50 PM   #14
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Its not an assumption- I know he tested for STD's. Thanks though!
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:52 PM   #15
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ddc- obviously that has been put on hold. I thought we were doing a lot better. Things had been going very well.. maybe he just learned to hide it better? We went to marriage counciling after everything happened, and that was beneficial for us. However it got to the point where we were paying our phsycologist $100 an hour just to sit and talk to eachother.. so we stopped going!
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