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Old 04-13-2011, 06:57 PM   #16
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At the risk of making you mad, I think you really deserve better than that. It sounds like he doesn't care all that much for you and he doesn't treat you with the love and respect you DO deserve. I think that ex who said that crap then beat you really put that too far into your head because you still aren't being treated right. I agree with ddc that a child with him isn't a good idea unless this gets straightened out but it's a very slim percentage of men who will truly change when it comes to cheating and porn addictions. (It's kind of like how I keep getting reminded that abusive men can get better at holding back but it's rare that they ever truly change, there's always that danger they'll revert to old habits) Please don't be mad at my response, it's just food for thought I guess.
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:02 PM   #17
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I'm really sorry you are going through this, it just really really stinks.

I think the worst part about the computer porn thing is he is acting like a child who got busted. I mean, what grown man actually thinks he's going to get away with THAT lie? It's not like you have a 14 year old son to blame it on or something.

My husband has been known to watch a porn or 2 in his life, and it really doesn't affect me one way or another -- heck, I've watched it with him (a long time ago, not really my thing ). The thing I would just absolutely NOT be able to tolerate is that lying. How on Earth could you ever trust one single thing out of his mouth if he is looking you in the eye and swearing he didn't do something that you have proof of? Despicable, really, and a deal breaker for me.

I don't have much advice for where to go from here. I think it would fully depend for me on his agreeing to go to some kind of counseling - alone or together. They don't do miracles in counseling, but if he were willing, at least it would show that he gives some kind of a care about your feelings. EDIT, I was posting when you were talking about the counseling. Maybe it's time to go back, you should have quite a bit to talk about now.

I'm sorry.
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:07 PM   #18
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I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. You are so beautiful and it seems like on the inside too which is most important. I wish I had some advice for you but your not alone and I am sending you the biggest hug!
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:18 PM   #19
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I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater because I was once a cheater and I am not. One pretty serious boyfriend, 2 husbands (including the current one), and about 10 years since I have cheated on anyone. I will say that it is a very hard thing to change and it is very rare, in my opinion, for a cheater to change. It took a lot of hard work, a lot of prayer, and a lot of help from up above. I can't know, but I do not believe that he has changed.

As for what to do: talk to him and tell him how his viewing porn makes you feel. Tell him what you said here, that it makes you feel cheated on. If he cares for you then he will give it up. I also advise getting a full run of STD tests in case he is still cheating, as niafabo already suggested. Is a P.I. something you could afford? If so then consider it, because I don't think that you will feel better until you know for sure one way or the other. Also, keep in mind that sometimes we mishear God and perhaps you aren't meant to be with this man. Many people stay in unhappy marriages because they have been taught that God hates divorce. That is true, but He hates for his children to suffer even more than He hates divorce. God does not want you to be miserable or to be abused, and cheating on you is a type of abuse. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Even if you were ugly and as big as a house, you wouldn't deserve that (you aren't by the way - you are gorgeous no matter what your ex said). I assume that as a christian you have a regular church? Talk to your pastor about this, I'm sure he will have some advice for you and just talking to him about it will probably make you feel better.
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:56 PM   #20
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First - hugs for you . This is a terrible thing to go through.

Second - you are beautiful and attractive and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Third - He is not being straight with you. If he was, he would live his life in a transparent manner, encouraging you to check his phone log or internet browsing history, etc without erasing them to ease your fears and suspicions. Your instincts are telling you something.

He needs professional help. It would also be worthwhile for you both to go for couples counselling. It can still be faith-based and not associated with your church. This is not something he can conquer by himself.

He is putting everything you value at risk. This is a character defining situation. How do his actions define his character?

It is without any disrespect that I put this to you: Is it possible that you are afraid of the fallout of divorce from this person who is not behaving as a good Christian husband and perceiving it as God's direction? How much misery does God want you to have? How many missed opportunities for children does God want you have? Is it possible that God's direction is for you to learn from this experience and not make the same mistake again?

I say that if he doesn't agree to get help (and that means he has to work at it, not just attend meetings) and really give it his best effort, you should end it and move on to a better man.
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Old 04-13-2011, 08:18 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FitGirlyGirl View Post
I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater because I was once a cheater and I am not. One pretty serious boyfriend, 2 husbands (including the current one), and about 10 years since I have cheated on anyone. I will say that it is a very hard thing to change and it is very rare, in my opinion, for a cheater to change. It took a lot of hard work, a lot of prayer, and a lot of help from up above. I can't know, but I do not believe that he has changed.
I understand that people make mistakes. I guess everyone in my life that's cheated have just been generally crappy people because they never changed and were unremorseful. With a "serial" cheater such as this, the odds are definitely stacked against them. To cheat over and over and even pay for sex, that's beyond say, being drunk and doing something you really shouldn't have.

Just wanted to clarify to make sure there were no hard feelings.
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Old 04-13-2011, 08:30 PM   #22
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There is a word for paying for sex, and it isn't "cheating." It's something a good bit uglier. He did this before you got married? Were you aware of it then, while you and he were still dating?

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy either, but there's a difference between someone who has AN affair and someone who has affairs--as in multiple events--and also buys the services of prostitutes. I'm a firm believer that anyone can change, but...well, that's a lot of change that would have to happen.

Prostitution is a crime almost everywhere in this country. What will happen to your life if--no, more likely when--he gets caught? What must he think of women in general if he believes they're a commodity to be bought? Please protect yourself and your assets; someone who would regularly patronize "working girls" is someone who would think nothing of taking money from your savings account to pay them or of costing you money to bail him out (which, I should add, I wouldn't do in a million years if he got caught in the act).

The porn is a very, very small potato compared to actively participating in the illegal sex trade.
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Old 04-13-2011, 08:55 PM   #23
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WendeeLou, what is someone with such a beautiful smile doing with a chronic cheater? It makes me so sad to hear that you've had such low self-esteem and been treated so poorly by men. I'm not sure what to say about your situation with your husband. Normally I'd say porn is just something most men/people use as a means of fantasizing and is harmless, but if past cheating incidents started with porn and progressed from there, it seems he has a very big problem. How is your relationship aside from the cheating?
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Old 04-13-2011, 09:13 PM   #24
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Just to offer something different:

Is pornography affecting his job, other areas of his life? How much money is he spending on it?

Would you consider watching porn with him? It could be less of a "cheating with the internet and cheating us out of kids" to something fun or different?

I imagine that porn can be some stress free pleasure, when having sex is about concieving (which is tough because of a low sperm count.) I get why a guy might want the porn - less stress, fewer expectations, and he can try to ignore the "I'm not manly, my sperm isn't good enough."

This is definitely an a topic that would be good to bring up in therapy, and important; Something worth spending $100 to discuss and resolve somehow.

I also do think that you should be going to therapy for some help, yourself. meaning this in the best intentioned way: Your initial post makes me think you could use some support to talk about body image, past bf and current husband and self image as related issues.

*big hug* Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.
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Old 04-13-2011, 09:27 PM   #25
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I understand that as a Christian your marriage vows are obviously very serious to you. I would recommend you read marriagebuilders.com which is a website dedicated to saving your marriage and from a Christian perspective.

However,

Even marriagebuilders.com recognizes that you cannot save a marriage when one person is an addict. If a man is a multiple cheater, user of prostitutes, and cannot give up porn to save his family, then he is an addict. No question about that. At least the site and program can help you get through this and understand what is going on, and how to resolve it (whether that be together or divorce).

I really hurt to see that you are struggling with infertility. Unless this man can learn to control his addiction, it is dangerous to have a child with him. A known user of prostitutes who clearly refuses to stop his compulsive ways WILL eventually catch an STD, whether it be herpes or HIV. There is a huge growing number of honest, faithful wives in North America who are becoming infected with HIV and it's because of their philandering husbands. When you conceive a child, because one day you WILL become a mother, it is frightening to think that just one sexual encounter with your husband can leave you and your baby open to these infections. Not to mention a child raised to believe that this sort of behaviour is okay, to have a son who treats his wife like that, or a daughter in your position.
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Old 04-13-2011, 09:39 PM   #26
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It sounds like your husband is a sex addict and definitely needs treatment. I do not have anything against porn, but given your hubby's history, I can understand why you're upset. I am not sure what advice to give you except that if I were in your shoes, I'd demand treatment or a divorce. It's all up to you-but I hope you find solace in whatever you chose.
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Old 04-13-2011, 11:05 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nola Celeste View Post
There is a word for paying for sex, and it isn't "cheating." It's something a good bit uglier. He did this before you got married? Were you aware of it then, while you and he were still dating?

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy either, but there's a difference between someone who has AN affair and someone who has affairs--as in multiple events--and also buys the services of prostitutes. I'm a firm believer that anyone can change, but...well, that's a lot of change that would have to happen.

Prostitution is a crime almost everywhere in this country. What will happen to your life if--no, more likely when--he gets caught? What must he think of women in general if he believes they're a commodity to be bought? Please protect yourself and your assets; someone who would regularly patronize "working girls" is someone who would think nothing of taking money from your savings account to pay them or of costing you money to bail him out (which, I should add, I wouldn't do in a million years if he got caught in the act).

The porn is a very, very small potato compared to actively participating in the illegal sex trade.
In the state of Nevada it is only illegal in Clark County (where Las Vegas is) but Parump is just a short 45 mins away.. and thats where they all are.
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Old 04-13-2011, 11:07 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by krampus View Post
WendeeLou, what is someone with such a beautiful smile doing with a chronic cheater? It makes me so sad to hear that you've had such low self-esteem and been treated so poorly by men. I'm not sure what to say about your situation with your husband. Normally I'd say porn is just something most men/people use as a means of fantasizing and is harmless, but if past cheating incidents started with porn and progressed from there, it seems he has a very big problem. How is your relationship aside from the cheating?
Everything else is perfect. I mean PERFECT. He takes very good care of me, he is very loving and compassionate. And constantly encourages me. He is a great husband aside from this issue.
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Old 04-13-2011, 11:11 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by souvenirdarling View Post
Just to offer something different:

Is pornography affecting his job, other areas of his life? How much money is he spending on it?

Would you consider watching porn with him? It could be less of a "cheating with the internet and cheating us out of kids" to something fun or different?

I imagine that porn can be some stress free pleasure, when having sex is about concieving (which is tough because of a low sperm count.) I get why a guy might want the porn - less stress, fewer expectations, and he can try to ignore the "I'm not manly, my sperm isn't good enough."

This is definitely an a topic that would be good to bring up in therapy, and important; Something worth spending $100 to discuss and resolve somehow.

I also do think that you should be going to therapy for some help, yourself. meaning this in the best intentioned way: Your initial post makes me think you could use some support to talk about body image, past bf and current husband and self image as related issues.

*big hug* Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

It does not affect anything, and he only views free sites. It isnt something that happens often anymore.. the last time I caught him was January 2010.

I wouldnt be interested in watching it with him, its not my style. I am a pretty modest and private person. And I am not by anyway interested in that.. Makes sense though- I know there are a lot of couples that watch together.

As for the therapy- I have come a LONG way!! I did get some counciling as well as met with my pastor regularly for a while, a
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Old 04-13-2011, 11:12 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by souvenirdarling View Post
Just to offer something different:

Is pornography affecting his job, other areas of his life? How much money is he spending on it?

Would you consider watching porn with him? It could be less of a "cheating with the internet and cheating us out of kids" to something fun or different?

I imagine that porn can be some stress free pleasure, when having sex is about concieving (which is tough because of a low sperm count.) I get why a guy might want the porn - less stress, fewer expectations, and he can try to ignore the "I'm not manly, my sperm isn't good enough."

This is definitely an a topic that would be good to bring up in therapy, and important; Something worth spending $100 to discuss and resolve somehow.

I also do think that you should be going to therapy for some help, yourself. meaning this in the best intentioned way: Your initial post makes me think you could use some support to talk about body image, past bf and current husband and self image as related issues.

*big hug* Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

It does not affect anything, and he only views free sites. It isnt something that happens often anymore.. the last time I caught him was January 2010.

I wouldnt be interested in watching it with him, its not my style. I am a pretty modest and private person. And I am not by anyway interested in that.. Makes sense though- I know there are a lot of couples that watch together.

As for the therapy- I have come a LONG way!! I did get some counciling as well as met with my pastor regularly for a while, and that really helped. I am a world away from where I was! I definitly think we could go back though!!
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