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Am I a crazy person?

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Old 04-13-2011, 09:05 PM   #46
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Sorry, am I misunderstanding this or are you destroying his wedding video? That's outrageous. You have no right to do that.

(snipped for brevity)

He was incorrect to not tell you in the beginning - but you chose to stay and that's that. Your actions after seeing this video are not okay. Him calling you a c*nt is not okay. It's time for you to move and do some growing/maturing. And for him to do the same.

This. This. This this this.

You cannot destroy part of another person's past and think it is at all acceptable. I don't care how she behaves. She's his daughter's mother and she will always have a place in his life. You cannot erase their marriage. I'm saying this as someone who was married before. My current husband was actually AT my wedding to my first husband. He was not why that marriage ended, but he was who I wound up with after all the dust had settled--and he not only had a picture here and there to deal with, he actually witnessed the wedding.

He got over it. He knows I'm over it. It was seventeen years ago. In the grand scheme of my life, my husband's life, and even my ex's life, it was nothing. All of us have gone on to be happy people.

Please, get over his past and deal with his present. In the present, he has a daughter and you need to find a way to deal with that fact. Period. If you EVER make it a choice between seeing his daughter (and his daughter's mother) and you, he will choose his child. Always. And he should, because kids are more important than girlfriends.

On the flip side of things, he called you That Word. I have literally never been called that by anyone who didn't hate my guts. My ex-husband didn't call me that. It's your choice if you want to allow that to happen, but...well, all I can say is that it's a verbal punch in the face. Women who get punched in the face once, I can understand because hey, who knew he was an abusive monster? Women who stick around to get punched in the face repeatedly and wind up in a police station with a busted lip crying, "B-b-b-ut I LOVE him!" and not pressing charges, I admit I cannot understand.

Verbal abuse isn't the same as physical abuse, but it's still abusive. If your "happily ever after" involves being called a c*nt when you displease His Majesty, then you are welcome to that particular fractured fairy tale.

I wish you the best of luck in life.
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Old 04-13-2011, 09:40 PM   #47
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Look, I'll be blunt. You are clearly not mature enough to handle being in a relationship with someone who was previously married and had a child. That's okay. You are young and do not need to take that on if you are not ready.
I have to agree with this. As I read these posts, you just sound like a kid in love with being in love but not able to handle an actual relationship.

You're 20. Finish school. Establish your own life. Don't settle for someone else's life.
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Old 04-14-2011, 01:17 PM   #48
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Well, I'll put aside the age thing (I don't have much to say to that, since my husband & I were engaged at age 20).

And the wedding video thing (which is to be kept for the daughter, I would think, but that's their decision).

One thing jumps out at me. You write him something about your feelings and really, it doesn't even matter what you were communicating, something banal or something dramatic, whatever -- but you get a message back that says GET OUT YOU C--- ?!

Um. Yeah, get out -- whatever you have to do, a friend's, a motel, whatever -- and be glad. What is this? I am seeing more and more of this here. Why would anyone communicate with a man who writes this to them? How is this normal behavior in anyone's world?
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Old 04-14-2011, 01:18 PM   #49
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@nationalparker-yes that was me.

He's saying he wants me to leave now. Lieke right now. I have nowhere to go. My parents live in Yorkshire (i.e.: not near here) and I don't drive. He's at work but will be back in about an hour and a half. I dunno what to do. I'm not horrible at all. I'd say I'm a really decent caring person, but he's just called me "rotten to the core". I think he has anger issues but he won't see anyone about it. I want to see a counsellor as I'm also struggling with a few family issues from my childhood and things with him get me down sometimes. But he doesn't want me to. What sould I do?
This might be hard to follow so bear with me.

From his point of view, he is at work and everything is fine, until he gets a text/call from you about his forgotten wedding video..he tells you to snap it and toss it, and thinks that the situation is delt with. Than suddenly your crying and upset and talking to him at work, and he hasn't done anything wrong and he snaps and calls you names and to get out.

My question is this..Do you always get mad at him when you find her stuff? Cause if so, when you mentioned the wedding vid, he probably tensed up and waited for you to go off the deep end. He is going to come to a point where he will get tired of you crying and getting angry over each reminder of her, and he will be serious about you leaving, so you need to either leave or learn to deal with this better.

He didn't do anything wrong, was married, and now isn't. Telling you to snap the video means there is no emotional attachment to her or her stuff, but he's a bit lazy and not much of a housekeeper, so her stuff is still all around the house. So maybe you need to comb the house over, gather all her stuff up into some boxes, and than discuss what to do with them, ONCE HE IS HOME AND RELAXED..not pestering him at work. You might offer to give them back to her since they are hers, and the house will be rid of her.

But in the end of it all, no matter how upsetting it is to know they were married (And trust me, i do understand how you feel.), you have to put your big girl pants on (LOL) and not be outwardly upset with him or treat him badly. I still cringe at times mentaly over stuff about my husband and his ex, but I have NEVER displayed any negative emotion about it, other than asking him to remove the one pic of her to his daughters room. When he didn't, I did it quietly, and he never noticed it which shows that it wasn't an issue for him. Back to you now...

His temper flares are unexcusable though...Does he go off all the time? Or just when you get upset over her and finding her stuff? Maybe once you calm down and don't confront him, he will calm down too. If not, than I'm not sure I would want to marry a person like that.

Your only 20 right? Your not done changing yet. One thing my DH's ex told me was that they married young and by the time she got older, she knew she had changed and didn't want him anymore..You may not want forever with this guy in a few years and your not married to him either. Take your time with him and really look hard at your life and see if this is what you want forever.

One last thing..if you do stay and try to make some real changes, than be careful with his daughter. NEVER ever say anything negative about mommy in front of her, or anything negative to daddy either. She will look at you like an evil person and be uncomfortable around you. If you try to stay positive at all times around her and show her that you and her dad are in a stable happy relationship, than as she grows up, she will see that mommy isn't what she is making herself out to be. Even if she doesn't, and quiet and happy atmosphere will make her feel safe and secure no matter where she lives.

Sorry this turned out so long...just wanted to add my last two bits...I do understand how you feel and I hope what I said didn't come across as mean. Its advice I had to take myself a few years ago and I am 36 so its not an age thing. Good luck sweetie.
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Old 04-14-2011, 01:53 PM   #50
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I think its because he never told me he'd been married until we had been together 6 months. And when he told me it really upset me. Mainly because I was only 19 at the time and marriage was (and still is) a big deal. I know he was married. And he is now divorced. Its just that she's always around (as she is the mother of his child) and I hate her. I hate to think of her near him. And she cheated on him within 2 months of them getting married. I hate her. I dunno. I'm really messed up. I wish I didn't watch the video Well. I really wish I'd never found the video if I'm honest.
It's like a car wreck. Or road kill. Curiosity makes it nearly impossible not to look. Forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. And neither did he.
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:21 PM   #51
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I think if you want to make this relationship work you guys need counseling. Obviously you BOTH have issues. It sounds like he has anger issues and you have issues in the relationship together AND you have your own insecurity issues.

When my husband found out he had MS he developed anger issues to the point I couldn't speak to him and I thought we were going to get a divorce. It took a toll on our marriage and at one point I was walking on eggshells. We went to his doctor and we talked about what was going on and the doctor put him on Lexapro to take the edge off AND we both went to marriage counseling. We are pretty sure my husband was going through depression and with the counseling we were able to change things and our marriage has been fine ever since. I'm not saying he needs drugs but you both need to take steps to correct the problems you have and now before it gets worse. There is no shame in seeking a professional to make your relationship stronger.

I wouldn't dismiss what he said, I wouldn't dismiss what you are saying about how he doesn't help out (um yeah specially with HIS kid who isn't even YOURS), etc.

I highly suggest you get the counseling or you'll never be truly happy in your relationship and things like this will continue to pop up.
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Old 04-14-2011, 03:03 PM   #52
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I'm sorry, but at 20 someone trying to warn you that you might not be mature enough to handle this situation-after you have explained in detail your very immature reactions to a VERY serious situation-is not an insult. It is merely an observation and a warning from those who have been there. You say you have loads of experience with relationships, but the years say otherwise.

You have had MAYBE 2 years in your life that you have had the possibility for mature relationships, and that is if you are the exception to the rule. Most people your age haven't even begun down the road towards the maturity required to handle a situation like this with tact.

How old could this child possibly be that you are admonishing the mother for not teaching her to read yet? And pardon my bluntness here, but who in the heck do you think you are to be talking about trying to take custody away from the mother of this child? How do you know you can be a better mother?

There is NO bond like that between mother and child, and for that reason alone you are going to have to have a very different attitude about it or you are going to lose this battle. Tensions can run high when the family dynamics change. Divorce is rarely a pretty picture. You can't expect to like her and vice versa right off the bat, especially if you aren't even willing to refrain from questioning her parenting and think you can take away her child. If some woman dating the father of my children acted like that towards me, I would make it my mission in life to make her miserable and get rid of her by any means necessary....if I allowed her to live. I would lie, steal, cheat, and kill for my kids. If you are acting in a way that is going to end up having a negative effect on this child and her relationship with her parents, you are asking for trouble and doing this innocent little girl a terrible disservice.
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Old 04-14-2011, 04:16 PM   #53
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And I was once a 20 year old girlfriend of a guy with 2 kids and a 'psycho' ex-wife. Believe me, I see exactly how you feel about her and exactly why you think you are better than her. But in time, you may realize that we don't always know everything and especially when you become a mother yourself, that things are not so black & white and that our judgmental criticisms of our step-children's other parent is completely unacceptable.
I was an early twenties girlfriend of a guy with two kids and two psycho exes. It all changed once he and I had a child and later got divorced. It was suddenly clear to me that the women may not have been the crazy one in the relationship, especially because he spoke to me (and further escalated behaviors) the way your boyfriend speaks to you.

As an example of our misconstruing situations, I recall commenting on my ex step daughter's clothing (read: commenting on her mom sending her that way) and how it was too small, stained, etc. Little did I know, her dad doesn't return clothing after visitation and clothes are expensive to replace over and over. I send my child to her dad's in the cheapest clothing I can find, even if it's a bit ill fitting because it will not return with her.

It's all about the perspective. Take it from me, the abusive behavior doesn't stop, it just gets worse until you decide you either want to live with it or leave.

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Old 04-14-2011, 04:50 PM   #54
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I was an early twenties girlfriend of a guy with two kids and two psycho exes. It all changed once he and I had a child and later got divorced. It was suddenly clear to me that the women may not have been the crazy one in the relationship, especially because he spoke to me (and further escalated behaviors) the way your boyfriend speaks to you.

As an example of our misconstruing situations, I recall commenting on my ex step daughter's clothing (read: commenting on her mom sending her that way) and how it was too small, stained, etc. Little did I know, her dad doesn't return clothing after visitation and clothes are expensive to replace over and over. I send my child to her dad's in the cheapest clothing I can find, even if it's a bit ill fitting because it will not return with her.

It's all about the perspective. Take it from me, the abusive behavior doesn't stop, it just gets worse until you decide you either want to live with it or leave.

Quoted because it's worth repeating!!!

If you're willing for every day of the rest of your life to be like this one, then by all means, keep on. You watched a video (a wedding video, people were AT the wedding, it's not like it's private or anything) and he responds by calling you THAT WORD and telling you to get out. That? Is not reasonable behavior. If you're willing to be treated like this then certainly, get married. Have babies with them. Do all the work yourself.

People don't change, and they certainly don't change because someone else wants them to.

You don't want to hear it but you're SO young. Why are you living with him at all? Why not date for a nice LONG while and see how you get along, then consider moving forward? You're three hours away from your university which makes me think you moved for him. What has he done for you?

Maybe we all have it all wrong, but his reaction is all out of proportion to your action and that makes no sense. I don't know you or him, maybe this is out of character but please don't read harsh words and read it as a criticism of you. I know you feel like you have a lot of life experience but as someone with *e-hem* a little more (old old old), most of have dated guys who were wrong for us at one point and we probably passionately loved them, that doesn't mean they were right for us. Any guy who is going to kick you out over watching a video of a wedding (really, it's not like you found the video of the wedding NIGHT and decided to watch IT) - that's worrying.
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Old 04-14-2011, 05:06 PM   #55
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I'm dealing with it now. Just had a crazy moment. I don't appreciate my maturity being questioned. I know what I've got myself into and I had plenty of oppurtunities to walk away so although I may only be 20 do not treat me like an idiot. I'm not Graces mother. I never will be. You are right. But I'm a **** of alot of a better one than her own. Her mum takes her to nursery one of the 4 days a week she is supposed to go. She wastes her money on tattoos and frilly pretty things while grace eats junk out a tin thats cheap. She isn't progressing with her reading and numbers except for what I teach her at a weekend....I feel like you're doing a lot of assuming about the situatiuon here sacha

And Crystal. Its so good to know someone feels the same. There are loads of pics of her here. I dunno why he hasn't got rid but I'm certainly not doing it without his permission. She is not a very nice person in my opinion. The way she treats her daughter upsets me so much.
This is not meant as an attack on you, but you are making a lot of assumptions yourself.
Unless you are physically there to witness what the ex wife does or does not do with her child, her time, her money etc, you are listening to what you're BF tells you - which Im sorry, but is going to be skewed.
He is absolutely correct in telling you not to fight with her - it's not your business. Yes you live together, you are in a relationship, you care for his child (Im not evern getting into why you are looking after her on weekends and teaching her things her father shoudl be) BUT fact is fact, you aren't married, you are not her stepmother, it is not your place to be saying anything to her mother - at all.
If you want to discuss your concerns with your boyfriend, that's another issue, but he WILL always have a relationship with this woman because they have a child and any drama that you bring to it will ultimately effect the daughter the most.
Everyone involved needs to grow up, show a little respect to eachother in this situation it seems like.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:14 PM   #56
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I'm a stepmom and never thought I would be. I don't think anyone does when they are in their 20's. I decided early on that my stepson was part of my family and to some extent that included his mother. I've always treated her like a sister in law that I didn't pick, but am stuck with none the less. It's worked out really well and I'd recommend it to anyone.

and I can understand where your boyfriends frustration comes with. How many times is he supposed to try to apolagize for the fact that he was married before? Try to imagine it on the other foot and he was upset over something in your past. You can't change the past so what are you supposed to do about it exactly. Is he supposed to wish his daughter had never been born so you feel better? Remember his past, including his marriage is what made him the man you love.

I agree with the above poster, go through the house and put all the pictures of her and stuff that reminds you of her away. Don't throw them out just pack them away so you don't have to see them. Then get one of just the daughter and the ex wife and put it in the daughter's room.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:54 PM   #57
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Another thing I just thought about regarding destroying images of the ex's life with your boyfriend--life doesn't always go as we expect it to, and mementos are important to have. It's a sad fact that sometimes people die younger than they should, and sometimes those people are parents.

If, heaven forfend, the ex meets an untimely end, your jealous act of destruction has pre-emptively robbed this girl of a memento of her parents. The more I think about it, the more inexcusable I find it that you did such a thing. What I wouldn't give for any video of any of my relatives who are gone now--all I have are photos.

Poor Grace.
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:34 AM   #58
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Another thing I just thought about regarding destroying images of the ex's life with your boyfriend--life doesn't always go as we expect it to, and mementos are important to have. It's a sad fact that sometimes people die younger than they should, and sometimes those people are parents.

If, heaven forfend, the ex meets an untimely end, your jealous act of destruction has pre-emptively robbed this girl of a memento of her parents. The more I think about it, the more inexcusable I find it that you did such a thing. What I wouldn't give for any video of any of my relatives who are gone now--all I have are photos.

Poor Grace.

I am certain that his ex probably has a copy and HE told her to snap it. she didn't do it out of rage or anything.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:07 AM   #59
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I am certain that his ex probably has a copy and HE told her to snap it. she didn't do it out of rage or anything.
I hope so. Kids aren't responsible for their parents' bad behavior and it isn't right to deny an innocent child access to an important memory. I grieve for pictures that I no longer have; to think that someone would take priceless family memories away intentionally is just unconscionable.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:35 AM   #60
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This is all very "Jeremy Kyle" to be honest. I hope you and your man find help, counseling, a break, something, because no one is winning here.
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