Let me preface this by saying I have major trust issues when it comes to women. Without going into detail, I grew up with a female 'role model' that lied, cheated, and did many other not so great things that give me a jaded opinion of women at times.
That said... my husband started a new job two months ago, and there was a girl that started at the same time as him. My husband has a best 'bro-friend' that he has known for years that works in the same building, and they go outside and take breaks together. Many times she has tagged along. O.k., no big deal. A couple of weeks ago my husband came home, and told me that she told them she got a new tattoo, and proceeded to lift up her shirt, and show them - without them asking to see it. *cringe* Okay - I tell myself quit overreacting, maybe she is just happy about her new tattoo... but they do work in a professional work environment, so it seemed tacky.
Then Monday my husband and his friend were scheduling a bro-date during their break lol and she invited herself, and a female friend of hers along. My hubby, and his friend both didn't know how to say no without sounding rude. (I said just tell her NO lol it's a bro-date) So anyways - he came home and told me about it, and asked me to come along. I had plans that day, but am switching it around, so I can go... since if I don't go it sounds like a double date to me! (this is where I might be overreacting lol) He did offer to reschedule the whole thing to a day he knew she worked, so she couldn't come... I still might prefer this.
She is 25, has a 1 year old with her now ex-husband and is currently engaged to another guy. The weirdest part to me was she made no mention of bringing her, and her friends guys along - just her and her female friend. I have never met her, but in my head the 'skank' alarm is going off.
I guess I want to know.. is this normal stuff, and I am being paranoid? Because to me it seems like she has boundary issues, and I already have a negative opinion of her without knowing her.
hard to say without seeing here or knowing what sort of things they talk about when they hang out, whether or not your husband feels like she means it flirtacously, or whatever. from what i gather your husband is very open and honest with you and unless he said it seemed like she made sexual advances I would just assume she is being friendly...
OK. I hope I don't come across wrong on this. When this company was in full force, it was not uncommon for me to go to lunch with 1 or 2 of the guys here. In fact, we called ourselves "The 3 Amigos" because we all would go out for Mexican food. There was nothing untowards. The only reason my husband was a little jealous was because he really liked both the guys and loves Mexican food. LOL.
That said, it sounds like she is imposing herself in some of their situations. Now, bringing in another woman does indeed sound like a double date. The fact that your DH asked you to come along, too, makes me think that he wants to let her know that he IS married and doesn't keep secrets from you.
Maybe they should make their bro-dates where she can't overhear. I love the fact that he told you.
That said, it sounds like she is imposing herself in some of their situations. Now, bringing in another woman does indeed sound like a double date. The fact that your DH asked you to come along, too, makes me think that he wants to let her know that he IS married and doesn't keep secrets from you.
Maybe they should make their bro-dates where she can't overhear. I love the fact that he told you.
Agree with this 100% now, that being said she could be attracted to him but I don't blame you for not trusting her. I wouldn't if I was going full force on a guy like that (not saying I do because I sure as heck wouldn't invite myself out somewhere with two guys without them inviting me) would mean I wanted to get with him to say the least. She might now even care if he's married if he wears his ring to work, it might be the thrill and chase of getting a man who is already married. Go, have a good time and hopefully she backs off after that night.
It's definitely something to keep your eye on, but make sure that your husband understands that SHE is making you uncomfortable, not him. From what you told us, he has been open, honest and trustworthy...be sure not to jeopardize or belittle that fact should drama somehow escalate.
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I would trust your husband's instincts. He asked you to come along for a reason.
Major kudos to your husband for not only bringing it up before anything awkward could force the issue, but for completely involving you and striving to make sure that you are happy and comfortable. Sounds like you landed a good man, make sure he knows it! *grins*
...maybe I missed where this was addressed, but what about bro-friend? Perhaps it isn't even your husband's attentions that she's seeking? Could she be trying for that angle or, knowing that your husband is married and that she is engaged, could she be trying to (albeit, awkwardly) set up this female friend with bro-friend?
If that were the case (not saying it is), having all of the spouse-type figures around could bring about a forced aspect for bro-friend and unknown female entity...whereas work-friends getting together without any of the couple aspects could make for a less-awkward meeting?
I could be way off-base, but I'm trying to see possible positive intentions. I've never been particularly trusting (especially of females, for somewhat similar reasons to you), and I will never be one of the types that can walk into something optimistically blind...nor am I recommending that you become that type. Just trying to throw options out there.
Last edited by ArcticFrogs; 04-05-2011 at 07:56 PM.
Reason: Neurotic formatting
I don't blame you for being weary, this girl sounds a little schemey. Its hard to say without knowing her or the whole situation, but you have every right to be cautious about her and the situation. When it comes to your husband though, wow he is honest. Your very lucky to have such a faithful and loving companion. I would tag along on this bro-date, just so you can meet her and see what she is all about. It could be innocent, but you would never know if you didn't go.
Well, I certainly don't think you need to worry about your husband here. However, if she ever does anything like lifting up her shirt again, he needs to go to human resources and address it with them. I've seen too many situations where a woman (or less frequently, a man) who has their advances turned away has filed sexual harassment complaints against the person they were pursuing out of vengeance. It's really unfortunate, because real sexual harassment is a serious thing. I would also caution him to never be alone with her. I would honestly ask him to cancel the "date." Not out of fear that he might do something he shouldn't, but that it might look bad and affect his career.
First, thanks for the responses. I definitely let my husband know -He- is not the problem, and I tell him how amazing he is all the time, because I know I am really lucky to have him! I keep most of my crazy thoughts to myself, because I know a lot of times they are irrational, and I don't want him to feel like he can't tell me things. I do let him know my real concerns though.
As far as her friend being set up with my husbands friend... Her friend is married. My hubbys friend is single though. It's all just sort of weird to me. I asked my husband if they in any way indicated they wanted her to come, and he said no.
My husband has worked with several intelligent, attractive women, but I am just getting a bad vibe from this one.
One thing that makes me wonder about her too is.. Her and my husband are both transitioning military, they are working in the same building as when in the military, just as contractors. My husband has tons of friends in the building, including females.. she doesn't have any female friends there, except the one she invited along, whom she just met at work a month ago. She has been there for four years, and I find it odd she would have zero previous female friends.
I decided I will go, and meet her. I will try not to judge until I give her a chance.. it's going to be hard though lol
It's good you recognize your trust issues, because she sounds completely harmless (albeit a little skanky). Women will throw themselves at your husband from time to time since he's probably an attractive and nice guy - but he's married to you for a reason and some silly woman with a tattoo at work isn't going to come between you two!
I think you should go on the date since your husband asked you to. Maybe he wants to diffuse this situation before it starts and it would be better for you to put a face to this girl and have her meet you as well. I applaud your husband for telling you up front what is going on at work and trying to involve you in it too.
I agree with who ever said your husband and his friend should file a report to the human resource dept. Tell him to file each time it happens, and just be firm with this chick and tell her no.
Or just stand her up and you all can go elsewhere, and hope she gets the message
..if she gets mad and tries to claim harassment to get revenge, she'll wind up in trouble herself, because your husband took the time to report each incident.
I've seen too many situations where a woman (or less frequently, a man) who has their advances turned away has filed sexual harassment complaints against the person they were pursuing out of vengeance. It's really unfortunate, because real sexual harassment is a serious thing.
You've got that right! I can't stand to watch some women determine just "what" is construed as "sexual harassment". It's OK for this guy to pat her on the shoulder but if that guy does it she files a complaint. Lessens the cause for the many who are harassed.
And either tagging along yourself, or (better) moving the date; that's good. I personally think it would be better if she saw it as him rearranging to cut her out rather than you going along out of concern for her.
And remind him that since he's married, there is no rudeness in declining women who try to impose themselves. I think men are not as used to this. Tell him that at the least it would disrespect you if he gave others (co-workers, acquaintances, on-lookers) the appearance of being available.
She's being very forward. No, I don't think all coed group outings are dates, obviously, and people from work go out for drinks in a group, but I think she was out of line in imposing herself when it was clear it was Guy's Night. I take a conservative view of imposing on someone who is married ... If she doesn't want people like you and your husband to get the wrong idea, then she should take a different tack.
At the very least, he should keep track of inappropriate situations such as lifting her shirt, inviting herself along (making note that he didn't ask her. Include co-workers that were around at the time and any communication said to dissuade her from this type of behavior.
If he has to say something to her directly about her behavior he should do it in any email. In addition, if she sends anything questionable to him, he needs to save it.
If she goes to HR, he'll be well armed at that point.
Let us know if you end up going out with them. I'm very curious how it turns out with this type of imposing personality.
Am I paranoid, or is this girl trouble?
I definitely let my husband know -He- is not the problem, and I tell him how amazing he is all the time, because I know I am really lucky to have him! I keep most of my crazy thoughts to myself, because I know a lot of times they are irrational, and I don't want him to feel like he can't tell me things. I do let him know my real concerns though.
