I'm a woman who hangs out with a lot of men at work, & I observe certain property lines & I think of propriety a lot of the time.
I never forget the women behind these men.
My department is mostly male, my workplace is mostly male, and if I didn't go out to lunch with them, or sit at the cafeteria table with them, or hang out in the break room drinking coffee with them, I would have a stunted career.
Hanging out with the women at my workplace would mean I'd be mostly with the coordinators & receptionists & assistants -- collectively called "support staff" -- and they are not doing the same kind of work I'm doing. If I were always among them & not with the men, I would be totally out of the loop & it could cause "perception problems" with my bosses, who might think that I was not good at collegiality with people at my level & at higher levels.
But I have some personal rules about hanging out with the guys.
One, I never hang out with them after work unless there are A LOT of them -- like, it's a definite outing, and there's even a manager there. Two of them after work is a bit borderline. I'd probably reflexively ask if their wives were coming. Maybe I'd get a "no" but I would make a point of asking.
Like cbmare, I consider lunch time to be fair game; that is regularly for talking business & trading company gossip (er, useful information). But again, I feel better in groups. Still, if I am having a one-on-one lunch with a male colleague, I prefer we sit in the cafeteria, rather than heading off to a restaurant. We may be at the far end of a long table together, with everyone else at the other end, obviously isolated, but I believe it's understood that business is being talked.
Second, I assume they're married, or partnered, otherwise taken, and behave as such. If I know their wife's or partner's or significant other's name, I will ask after that person during the preliminary social niceties, partly to indicate my understanding of their status. This is very deliberate behavior on my part. I don't necessarily care about everyone's wife & kids, but acknowledging them is important to me.
Third, any time that I've bent my first rule, and socialized after work, it's usually been in the presence of the spouse. For example, one guy whom I work with invited me to stay with him & his wife at their summer place on Cape Cod for a couple days this past summer. I saw nothing wrong there. Mainly because, at company offsite meetings, I've sat with his wife at dinner & we really hit it off. I enjoy her company as much as I do her husband's. Our social outings are as a trio. Her husband & I do have moments of shoptalk, where his wife recedes a little. But she & I also have one-on-one girly moments, like visiting a clothing boutique together. It feels okay to me.
I trust my feelings on that count because I am mindful & careful.
That woman whom your husband works with is NOT going to get far in the business world if she doesn't develop a better sense of where social boundaries are.
I think it's good you are going, but I think hubby needs to be a little firm now and then and say no OR stop making plans when she is around.
I agree for him to be careful- my husband lost his job for something similar- it was his word against hers and they fired him because they didn't want any crap. I believe my husband, specially because my husband isn't a crude kind of person and the girl didn't get along with him in the first place.
I like all of the responses. They offer quite a varied perspective! All of which are very supportive.
Trust your gut. I, too, have been stabbed in the back numerous times by women close to me. Each time I have had a gut feeling that I ignored. Afterall, when you are in the same Bible study group, you'd give them the benefit of the doubt, wouldn't you?
What I've learned is boundaries are very personal. They differ from person to person.
Set yours and stand tall like a wall on it, just like you have. You are smart to be aware of the work issue. It's a fine line. Please let us know how this pans out!
A mini update; My husbands friend found out the 'married' friend invited along is in the middle of a divorce. This made both him and my husband feel even more uncomfortable about the whole outing, so they decided to just cancel it. In reality plans were just changed around to avoid them. Instead we are going somewhere else with a group of a mutual friends (sans the 2 girls.)
I don't know if there was any malicious intent, or if it was completely innocent... either way it's not going to happen... and they are better prepared to say NO if for some reason a similar situation arises.
I do feel she has boundary issues. She brought in invitations to a 'candle party' (my name was on the invite too) at her place.. My husband firmly told her "NO", and she kept pestering him to come, she got several more NO's before she finally gave up.. She didn't just nag my husband, but other people that told her NO, she reacted the same way.. trying to talk them out of their no.
Besides not taking no for an answer.. At a new job I wouldn't feel it appropriate to invite the office to your candle party...Especially when the majority are male with zero interest in hearing about candles for an hour.
Anyways, hopefully she takes a hint. I'll be happy to meet her... at a summer office picnic, or someplace appropriate
Thanks everyone for all of your opinions, experiences, and incites.. It is so helpful to have all sorts of viewpoints, especially when I know my own is skewed at times.
Last edited by drinkypants; 04-11-2011 at 12:05 AM.
I have a similar situation. My boss is 27. I'm 41, my bf who works there, too is 52. My bf is very personable. Everyone loves him. All the older ladies (like in their 70s) flirt back and forth with him in a cute way. For him, it's all about making the clients want to return and like coming to the gym.
My boss has been accused of having an affair with another trainer. This trainer's mom is my boss's boss. Suddenly, that other trainer was transferred to our sister gym 30 miles away. Now, I'm noticing that my boss has an unusual need to text or call my bf for work related stuff almost every day.
I have the exact same job and she talks to me maybe once or twice a month.
My gut feeling tells me she wants to start something with my bf. My bf says no way. I trust him. She is not very pretty and her personality is rather harsh anyway. I don't trust her. And she is in a position of authority over me!
Do I mention my gut feeling to anyone? Like her boss? What if something happens, should I have something on private record for the "I told you so"? So far, I think I may just keep this to myself but I'd love to hear your input.
Thx
Last edited by fitness4life; 04-11-2011 at 09:54 AM.
I have a similar situation. My boss is 27. I'm 41, my bf who works there, too is 52. My bf is very personable. Everyone loves him. All the older ladies (like in their 70s) flirt back and forth with him in a cute way. For him, it's all about making the clients want to return and like coming to the gym.
My boss has been accused of having an affair with another trainer. This trainer's mom is my boss's boss. Suddenly, that other trainer was transferred to our sister gym 30 miles away. Now, I'm noticing that my boss has an unusual need to text or call my bf for work related stuff almost every day.
I have the exact same job and she talks to me maybe once or twice a month.
My gut feeling tells me she wants to start something with my bf. My bf says no way. I trust him. She is not very pretty and her personality is rather harsh anyway. I don't trust her. And she is in a position of authority over me!
Do I mention my gut feeling to anyone? Like her boss? What if something happens, should I have something on private record for the "I told you so"? So far, I think I may just keep this to myself but I'd love to hear your input.
Thx
If your bf is not a salaried employee, she shouldn't be calling/texting that often. If it is not a work paid cell phone, she shouldn't be calling/texting that often. If either of these are true, he shouldn't answer after hours or say he has to pay per text message and it's getting too expensive.
If it continues, do document it. I am a firm believer of recording as much as possible by email then keeping a notepad of specific times and dates of conversations and the outcome. If it escalates, he will need to take it to a supervisor. If you do it, it seems jealous and they won't take you seriously or it could further complicate the issue.
