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My mom got engaged last night- and I'm totally having issues

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Old 03-26-2011, 09:32 PM   #1
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Default My mom got engaged last night- and I'm totally having issues

Background:

My mom, my daughter, myself, my brother and his daughter all live together. I'm a single mommy, he's a single daddy, grammy loves her grandchildren. It all works out.

My father died 5 years ago this June. It was a slow death from stomach cancer. He was a jerk when he had cancer. He was a jerk before he had cancer. Not that there weren't good times in their marriage, but the last 10-15 years were crap for my mom, and he could be emotional abusive towards me, and even physically abusive to my brother (before my brother got bigger than him) I loved my father, but he was a a-one jerk.

We also found out some pretty crappy things about my father after he passed. He failed to clean out his hard drive on his laptop. Suffice to say- he apparently had plans on leaving my mom for some online chick "when" he got better. (But apparently he was also delusional, because the other woman was married, not interested, and had no idea that my father had these plans)

Ok- so that is the short of a very long story.

My mom is on another forum, where she is good friends with alot of people there women and men alike. There was one man however where they became very close. And then they started private chatting. And then they started talking on the phone. They hadn't even seen pictures of each other, but fell hard and fast. He lives about 1.5 hours from us, and I believe in February, he started coming down here to take my mom out , etc etc.

Its caused alot of tension in the house. There is alot of tension in the house regardless. We had moved my grandmother up here from AZ hoping to get her better medical care for her COPD. Well after a three month stint in the hospital, she pass away last thursday. And my dog had a stroke two weeks ago (he is 90% better! but, it took alot of time by me and my brother to rehab him). I mean... I just took down the christmas decorations... today. She disappears all weekend, things are not getting done around the house....

There's a lot more, I just am tired and don't feel like getting into how she has been totally acting like a 14 year old.

I've been handling it totally better than my brother. I had to work through a little abandonment issue, but I'm ok now. My mom deserves to be happy. She deserves to move on in her life and do what makes her happy.

But I was totally thrown off by her coming home this morning and telling me he asked her to marry him.... and she said yes. They met.. what.. this past summer. Started talking this fall. Just recently met in February. And now they are engaged?

I expressed concern of the quickness. But she feels that she has a special connection with him, she loves him, he is a good man and she is happy. I congratulated her, but did say that if he hurt her, he would have to deal with me.

My brother, on the other hand, is acting completely irrational and is furious.

He doesn't believe in true love, or soul mates, or love eternal, or deep connections. He things it's hogwash and that she is making a huge mistake. In fact, me and him got into a huge fight about it today (in which I promptly binged on some oatmeal scottchies cookies afterwards!) While I don't neccessarily agree with the quickness of their engagement- I want her to be happy, and I can't tell her how to live her life. (although I haven't met him yet :-/ ) And he wants me to "do something" about it. Really? What? Lock her in her room? pfft.

When ended up yelling at each other for a good 45 mins before I decided it was time to walk away.

They aren't getting married now... no date has been set. From what I'm told he seems like a nice man, I would like to meet him soon...But my brother acts like this is absolutely the most ludicrous thing to have even happened in the history of the world. I'm not entire thrilled about it either, but these things do happen and do last. I'm sure of it.

But I'm quite sure that things in this house will be quite tumultuous for a while.... I just hope I can identify my issues before I eat 10 oatmeal cookies... not AFTER!

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Old 03-26-2011, 10:52 PM   #2
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Well at least you just stopped at the cookies. Personally I would find someone getting married to someone the met only a month ago rather concerning especially considering all the horror stories out there about people meeting on the internet, but then again my Dad (r.i.p.) met my step mother online and after a few years of dating they got married and had 12 very happy years together. you never know how these things will turn out. seems kinda strange the guy would propose before meeting her kids but oh well hopefully you'll get a chance to sit him down and give him a once over soon.
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Old 03-26-2011, 11:05 PM   #3
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It sounds like your discovering a lot of things about your parents all at once. And that makes it tough to let your mom move forward when your still coming to terms with the current situation. I'm sorry that you have so much to sort out.

To me, it sounds like your mom is ready to move on with her life. I think you and your brother love her so much that it's hard to think of her living her own life with out you being a part of it. Just because she's ready to move forward doesn't mean you aren't a part of her life. You live with her so it's hard to think of her having a life separate from you. But, she's a grown up and you have to trust her choices. It's good that you are looking out for her, but be careful not to confuse your relationship with her with her own independence. It might be time for you and your brother to fly the coup and let her spread her wings. I mean this in a very sensitive, heartfelt way. I know it must be a tought thing to think about.
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Old 03-26-2011, 11:57 PM   #4
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This sounds like a very complex situation. How old is Mom?? You say they have been communicating by phone for 6 months or so, they are only engaged-- they are not getting married right away? So there is time. And, there are many issues here; lots of grief and loss, what sounds like significant past abuse issues and it appears that there is a different division of effort than you are used to, etc. Take a break, then see if you can't talk about it. Maybe get some counseling for everyone.

Your brother and you appear to be adults, you are parents. It sounds as though mom has had a tough life, and that all of you have been very close in a tough situation. Maybe it is time to widen all of your horizons. it sounds like you have been the voice of reason with your brother- but don't let being upset make you forget to take care of you. Best of luck to you all.
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Old 03-27-2011, 01:40 AM   #5
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i wonder if he is thinking about the future- what's going to happen with you all? Is he going to move in with you and change the family dynamic? Is your mother moving in with him leaving you guys on your own? I'm sure there is a part of him that is freaking about "what about me?!?!" which is understandable, if unhealthy.

i met my husband online, we were moved in together within 6 months and married within 2 years. It can happen. And I'm not a big believer in true love or soul mates or anything. I think you just make a relationship work or you don't. If she has one that will work- good for her. BUT there are horror stories and there are bad people out there... and I think it says a lot that you guys have never met him... I find that a little suspicious. Especially if he is driving an hour and a half to see her.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:08 AM   #6
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It sounds like your mom is a gem, and that the last 5 years of her life has been give, give, give. She may love her children and grandchildren, but that is large burden to have them living in her house as well. And, then if her deceased husband was a jerk, then she has been probably lacking in the love and affection area for a longggg time.

So, to me it finally sounds like she is enjoying herself, being in love, and being loved. But, I could certainly understand the fear she is doing something too quickly. Why not tell mom you'll make a special dinner and have him over? Set up some family things to do? Get to know him? And, then just hope and pray that she waits long enough to make sure this is the right thing to do.

PS - I would bet both children need to go ahead and ask, "what happens to us". Is he afraid he'll be kicked out, or that he won't have help with his child, if another man enters the life? Sounds like the whole family needs to sit down. Be nice to her, she sounds like a good woman.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:16 AM   #7
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i agree with getting him round for a family dinner. if he is serious about spending his life with your mother he will understand that means being part of your life too, not neccesarily a father figure, but a part of your life nonetheless. its a good way to see how interested he really is in being part of your mothers life, aswell as giving you and your brother a chance to see how happy your mother is with him.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:19 AM   #8
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I am sorry you guys are having a hard time adjusting to the idea. You have to give your Mom some credit though. She lived through an apparently abusive marriage and is older and wiser. She probably wouldn't take from another man, the grief she took from your Father. It probably seem quick but when you're older and already know who you are and how you function in relationships, you can cut to the chase. It's not like just turning 20 figuring out of you really want to commit your life to something. Two mature people can find love and companionship without all of obstacles and complications that stand in your way when you're younger.

I know you guys will probably be quite freaked out b/c you all live together but try to be optimistic. One day you guys would have moved out. Now, you guys can spread your wings and not have to worry about Mom being left behind alone. You should get to know him if you can. He might be a great guy and you might like having him around. Wouldn't it be great to see your Mom head into her golden years with someone who adores her?
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:55 AM   #9
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It appears your brother is very dependant on momma. He has gotten too comfortable with his living arrangements. Is momma paying all the utilities and taxes, plus supplying everyone with food and free babysitting at home?

Yes, it's been "working out" for adult children and grandkids....but not for momma. She's bent on leaving to find greater happiness in life.

If you and your brother aren't working, it's time to get out and get a job before mom leaves you to fend for yourselves.

When she gets married, don't be surprised if she sells the house and moves in with her new husband an hour and a half away. It looks like she needs a very long break from all the chaos and sadness and dependant young adults at home.

She is not acting like a 14 year old. She is a mature woman with her child-rearing days behind her. She is looking for a better life than the one she is leading now.
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:36 AM   #10
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I think Mom should live her own life, she has had a hard time of it with your Dad and is still raising kids. Yes, you and your brother are acting like two spoiled kids. And I mean YOU, too. Mom deserves happiness , give her a break, wish her well.
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:21 AM   #11
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First of all, hugs to you. You've had a lot happen in your life recently and it sounds like a lot in your future. I'm not here to judge because I don't know the deails of your family's living arrangement other than what you just posted but have you talked to your mom about it? Seriously asked her whether she was vs. is happy with it, what she was/is unhappy about (if anything), what she wants for the future, etc.? Sounds like you guys need to have that heart-to-heart conversation.

Take a deep breath, it doesn't sound like they are running off to Vegas but, if your mom wants to start her life with this man, you have to respect that and her wishes. You guys can still be close without needing to live together and, even though she is excited for this new stage of her life, it doesn't mean she is replacing you guys with her new fiancee.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:06 AM   #12
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I only know what you've shared, so my impressions could be wrong, but that's always true in a forum like this. You'll have to decide what actually does apply to your situation, and ignore the rest.

I agree that there seems to be some unrealistic expectations on your brother's part and probably on your own.

I have to admit that the statement "things aren't getting done around the house" made me think "Why on earth not with three adults in the household?" If you and your brother are experiencing any benefit that you wouldn't get with a third unrelated room mate, then that complaint seems rather petty. If she were an unrelated room mate would you begrudge her weekends away? If she were an unrelated room mate, would you see her as doing more or less than her fair share (not just now, but leading up to now. If she's "shirking" now, but has generally done more than her fair share, isn't she entitled to some "pay back").

If she provides any cheap or free day care, why is she doing any of the other household chores? Wouldn't your brother and you assuming all of the household chores, grocery shopping, meal preparation, and lawn care be modest payment for free/discounted housing and daycare. Heck it's slave wages considering 2/3 of those things would be your responsibility if you were sharing the house with an unrelated room mate (Obviously if you and he have always been paying more than you would be on your own, doing more than 1/2 of the work, and if grandma is not providing any paid or unpaid daycare this wouldn't apply).

It does sound like "acting like a 14 year old," might actually be "acting like a single, adult with no children to raise" (which she really is or should be).




As to the engagement itself - all of my life I was against whirlwind courtships, but then I found myself in one. My husband and I (both in our 30's) were engaged and living together within four months of meeting (online), and married not quite 13 months after meeting. My 65 year old MIL met and married her husband in less than 3 months (they met in a grief-support group each having lost their spouse less than a year before).

I agree that when you're older, you do tend to date by the "crash course" method. You're more likely to know what you want and don't want, and you know how to look for it. You get straight to the point, and ask all the important questions much earlier. One of the reasons I was comfortable with my whirlwind romance, was that we had clocked in just as many "dating hours" as a couple who had been dating ten times as long. We talked and wrote pages and pages of letters every day - and about important stuff not just our favorite music (although we talked about that too).

We knew each other better before we met than most couples know about each other after six months.

I don't know if your mom is making a good decision, but it's her decision to make - and it's an appropriate type of decision at this stage in her life.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:09 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by JOLINA View Post
It appears your brother is very dependant on momma. He has gotten too comfortable with his living arrangements. Is momma paying all the utilities and taxes, plus supplying everyone with food and free babysitting at home?

Yes, it's been "working out" for adult children and grandkids....but not for momma. She's bent on leaving to find greater happiness in life.

If you and your brother aren't working, it's time to get out and get a job before mom leaves you to fend for yourselves.

When she gets married, don't be surprised if she sells the house and moves in with her new husband an hour and a half away. It looks like she needs a very long break from all the chaos and sadness and dependant young adults at home.

She is not acting like a 14 year old. She is a mature woman with her child-rearing days behind her. She is looking for a better life than the one she is leading now.
Yea, you know, I've taken offense to this post as well as bargoo's post. You don't get to judge. So take it elsewhere.

Both my brother and I work. Full time. And both of us raising our children, full time. I could say my brother has the means to move out, but he had preferred to be here where his daughter will experience a HEALTHY nuclear family. Because her mother is an alcoholic psychopath.

I don't have the means to move out. I'm raising my daughter on my own as well (don't get me wrong, her father is in the picture and sees her weekly. And we split the costs of raising her 50/50)

I never got the chance to move out because my father was diagnosed with cancer just as I was finishing college. My brother came back home because my father was diagnosed with cancer. We all came flocking back home to help my mom with his care, etc. It just happened that both my brother and I landed ourselves in parenthood, his ex ended up being psychotic and mine ended up abandoning me. So we all had each other to fall back on.

And yes, staying up til 4 am talking on the phone, forgetting to make bill payments on time, forgetting to buy the groceries that we need and among other things, is acting like a 14 year old. But I don't fault her for that. It happens to all of us when we are giddy and in love.

We both pay rent. So we are not just mooching off my mom.

the Man is planning on moving here, into an apartment at first, and then eventually with us. My mother loves this house, and loves her children/grandchildren, and refuses to leave. He is fine with that and does not want to come between us. And for that, I admire.

But yes, I do take issue with getting engaged within a 2 month period of courtship. My mother has had alot of traumatic things unfold in the past three months alone. She was laid off after 25 years at her place of emplyment, her mother required constant care (which we all participated in) and in which she passed a little over a week ago, her beloved dog had had a stroke a week prior to her mother's passing- So her and this man was an escape for her.

And I understand that. Because it's human nature.

My concern is that she doesn't get hurt, or taken advantage of.

My brother's is of that as well- except I think he is having issues as he was the man of the house- promising on my father's death bed to take care of both me and my mom when he passed.

I have stuck behind my mom through this whole thing, standing up for her and trusting her judgment that this will in fact work out. Hence, the huge fight I had with my brother yesterday.

Thank you for those who had some unbiased insights and were non judgmental. I appreciate it.

Mod's- feel free to close this thread and/or delete this thread.

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Old 03-27-2011, 11:17 AM   #14
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Even the statement "things aren't getting done around the house" why on earth not with three adults in the household? If you and your brother are experiencing any benefit that you wouldn't get with a third unrelated room mate, then that complaint seems rather petty. If she were an unrelated room mate would you begrudge her weekends away? If she provides any cheap or free day care, why is she doing any of the other household chores? Wouldn't your brother and you assuming all of the household chores, grocery shopping, meal preparation, and lawn care be modest payment for free/discounted housing and daycare. Heck it's slave wages considering 2/3 of those things would be your responsibility if you were sharing the house with an unrelated room mate.
I actually do all the chores.

My mother does not watch my child. I pay for daycare. Same for my brother his daughter is in school. Both of us pay rent. My brother works on the house (it was bought as a fixer upper) and does the lawn, etc. I cook on the weekends, my mom cooks 2-3 meals during the week..

I really can't believe that you guys think I'm just sitting here on my arse doing nothing all day and expecting my mom to do most of the work.

My only concern is her safety and that she is not taken advantage of.

Some of her unusual behavior would blow over once she was out of the "I'm so in love!" phase. I knew that.

But thanks anyway. I guess I should have put more background into my original post.

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Old 03-27-2011, 12:24 PM   #15
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Yea, you know, I've taken offense to this post as well as bargoo's post. You don't get to judge. So take it elsewhere.

And yes, staying up til 4 am talking on the phone, forgetting to make bill payments on time, forgetting to buy the groceries that we need and among other things, is acting like a 14 year old. But I don't fault her for that. It happens to all of us when we are giddy and in love.

He is fine with that and does not want to come between us. And for that, I admire.

But yes, I do take issue with getting engaged within a 2 month period of courtship.
My brother's is of that as well- except I think he is having issues as he was the man of the house- promising on my father's death bed to take care of both me and my mom when he passed.

Mod's- feel free to close this thread and/or delete this thread.

LightRaven
Looks to me that you don't want to take any more heat for putting your mom down and trying to hang onto your "comfy living arrangements." Now you want to close the thread?....LOL

If your ex is contributing 50/50...then he too is benefitting from your cheap living arrangements.

And now you want to take control of members of the forum by telling them to get lost..."So take it elsewhere.? LOL

You are not in control of your mother or members of any forum. Your mother is a mature adult and will do as she pleases with her life. Her child-rearing days are over.
And don't be surprised if you both get told by 2 mature adults to grow up and move out and take care of yourselves soon.

It appears both you adult children are attempting to keep a child/parent relationship going.

You have a litany of excuses as to why you are unable to lead a life as a responsible parent. You expect momma to buy groceries and pay bills on time.

You talk about others judging? When your mom fails to take care of buying you food you say she is acting like a 14 year old? You don't call that judging?... Demeaning your mother after all she is doing for you and all she has been through? Shameful!

Just what do you do with all that child support? You expect momma to buy your food and other things you need?

It's a very comfortable arrangement living with momma and demeaning her...as long as momma doesn't see it as it is, and then decides to put a stop to it.

She is putting a stop to it. She is moving on. Adjust.

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