I spend all my life doing things that aren't for me. I get up early so my boyfriends doesn't have to take me to uni before work. I go to uni. I travel home and get in about 6/7ish. Then I cook, do the washing, make packed lunched for the next day, sort clothes out for me and my fella for the next day, clean up, and go to bed. Then I do the same the next day, etc. On a weekend I don't even get time to myself. I work from 6am-12 on a Saturday, then take my boyf's little girl swimming, then come back, do the tea, and look after her til bedtime. The I have to do the housework til my bedtime. On a Sunday I have to get up with the little 'un, make her breakfast, do some ironing, go to his parents for dinner, get home, cook tea, make packed lunches, sort clothes out, and then sleep.
I am stressed constantly and just want to spend a little time for ME!! I'm only 20. I should be enjoying myself, focusing on my degree and feel happy. But I don't feel happy at all. I spend allmy time looking after everyone else. I don't even get an hour a week to have a nice soak, or to paint my nails, or to go shopping. I don't have time for anything. I'm behing with my uni work because my boyf seems to think the house comes first. But it doesn't. I should. Its this vicious cycle. I'm in floods of tears because I don't think I can cope. I'm sure tehre are plenty of people who do this and are fine. But I bet their boyfriends help them a bit. Offer to make them a cup of tea. Or take the little 'un out for a few hours so you can relax. I just thought things would be different. I've been living with him for about a year and he's getting progressively lazier. He used to do things for me, but now he just expects them to be done.
Sorry I need to vent. I've talked to him about it. It changes things for about a day or so. Then things go back to normal. I dunno how to make him see how tired and stressed I am
If you re-read your post, do you feel like things are fair? Do you feel like you should shoulder so much of the house work (which doesn't seem important to you) and child care (for his child)? It doesn't sound fair to me. You ARE very young for that kind of jam-packed domestic life. It would be one thing if you're happy but...you don't sound happy. How attached are you to this boyfriend? And how open is he to carrying more of this load?
It sounds like every single one of your hours is scheduled. Does he have free time and how does he use it? You don't need "me time" - you need breathing space.
I would be tired and incredibly frustrated too if I were in your shoes. From your post, it seems like you are carrying most of the burden and he's reaping the benefits.
You need to put your happiness first. Is he aware of how tired you are? I tend to do everything around the house for my bf because I choose to but he actively offers to help because I like to be asked. My boy argues he's not a "mind-reader" and needs to be told what I need from him. Maybe your man is the same.
You are only 20 y/o and you seem to be carrying the weight of everything.
I can't even imagine having to do all that when I was 20. How have you not completely broken down?! You've taken on two people's worth of work and that really isn't fair...sounds like bf needs a more stern talking-to, is that possible without a full-on "Jeremy Kyle" style breakdown?
i'm sorry but you are way too young to be putting up with this crap. Drop him concentrate on your health and college studies. You have alot of time in the future to be bogged down with responsibilities.
I know what you guys are saying. I don't want to leave him tbh. I just want things sorted. When he does help out (on rare occasion) its like he wants a medal for washing up or getting the little 'un dressed. And that annoys me. Lets be honest, the house isn't immaculate. Theres ironing to be done tonight, it needs a good hoover and the dishes are on the side from last night. I'mnot some kind of domestic goddess. But I think if I had some help I'd be able to cope. My exams are coming up and I feel like if he won't help I'm either going to completely balls them up. Or I'mgoing to have to let the house get into an absolute state. I think it wouldn't shock him if I just stopped doing housework. But it wouldn't kick him in the bum to do more.He'd still come home "tired " from work, but his xbox on/tv on/laptop on and wait for his tea. Then watch tv till bedtime. I think this amount of stress is going to make me ill. Uni, housework, looking after the two of them, and working part-time aren't stressful or tiring at all on their own. But when they're put together. And its just constant I don't think I can cope.
It sounds like he's found someone to clean his home, cook his food, and raise his child. What does he do for you?
Is he much older?
Just as someone with a little more life experience, I want to tell you people don't change. They settle in and become *more* who they are. They certainly don't change spontaneously or because someone else wants them to.
I am not saying you have to break up with him but you're 20 - you do NOT have to live with him if it's not working out!
I'm sorry but you sound like his doormat...When I was 20 I was enjoying life and sure as **** wasn't taking care of someone else's kid. You don't deserve that treatment and from the sounds of it, he really doesn't appreciate you or the things you do for him. I'd say get a spine talk to him and let him know where you stand and tell him to take care of his own kid while you go out and get some YOU time. You're 20's are all about YOU and finding out who YOU are (and trust me you might think you know who you are and what you want but when you're 25 things will change and when you're 30...life's too short) and making lots of mistakes so you can grow from them. Not settle down with some guy, taking care of his kid being a house wife with no ring on your finger. That's my opinion and how I see it anyways.
I think I need to sit down and talk to him about this, not bring it upwhen we're mid-argument about whatever... We have a lodger, who equally doesn't pull his weight around the house, so I'm cleaning up after 3 adults and a child. I think we need to go to basics and have a chorelist to chare between the 3 of us. It doesn't help that I'll clean up and within 5 minutes of anyone getting home things have been messed up. It'd be easy if they maintained what I'm doing.
Do you think a chore list would work? Like if we distribute things between us?
I know what you mean about bringing up things mid-argument. I have that issue too when I keep things bottled up and then something sets me off and I start listing things that upset me to my boyfriend. Not the most constructive way to get your feelings and wishes out. My bf reacts best when I'm calm and list things out to him. He blocks things out when I'm on a rampage.
I think you need to be proactive and tell him what you want. Tell him you feel overwhelmed with everything especially with your exams coming up. Guys are slow sometimes and can ease into complacency if you don't tell them what's on your mind.
He better appreciate everything that you do for him. You are NO ONE'S doormat! You need to focus on YOU and your happiness.
Definitely sit and talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel overwhelmed and over-worked, and that you need some time for yourself as well.
Maybe the two of you can come to an understanding on the household chores. If he will take over some of the responsibilities that will free up some of your time. Just be open and honest, and see how he reacts - that will tell you loads about him as a person and how he feels your relationship should go.
Some men believe the women carry all the work at home and with kids. That's something you should know going into it all.
Thanks. I do that InControl2Day. We argue and I start waffling things so he doesn't listen to what I'm saying. If I wait til we have some time to ourselves and then just try to get this sortedout once and for all it'll be better, I'm sure.
One thing that I have learned is that some men do better when they are given a set list of things to do. Try letting him pick a chore and make that his responsiblity. My husband does dishes every night while I prepare dinner. Or, if there aren't any dish, he'll put away the clean clothes. It wasn't always this way, he used to ask me if I needed any help with dinner and if I said no, he would go on his computer until it was done. I would get so frustrated and angry and he didn't know why. It was because I felt so overwhelmed with the dirty dishes in the sink, clean clothes getting wrinkled in the dryer, and whatever else wasn't getting done until I did it.
Also, you need to make it clear that you are not a free caretaker for his daugther and that he needs to take responsibility for raising her just as much as you are.
You should definitely be getting some you time! That's hard stuff. I am young and married and though I love being married (no kids) I often find myself doing everything around the house. You'll really have to tell him that you're going crazy, and that it is unfair to ask you to do everything and watch his child on top of it all. Maybe you can compromise. I mean, at the very least, couldn't he get his own little one into bed? It seems that maybe his child and he need to spend time together anyway, and it would at least give you time for a good long soak in the tub. You shouldn't be anyone's doormat, and definitely express to him that it is how you feel.
I just need some "me-time"
