How does your mother REALLY feel about your weight & your weight-loss efforts?
Let me start off by saying that I don't hold with the idea of blaming one's mother for all of one's psychological issues, and that I know I'm the person who made me fat & obsessive about weight issues for years. This hand on the end of this arm is what puts food into this mouth.
Still, it's interesting to me, to say the least, that my mother has struggled with a lifelong weight problem, and that, now that I am at a normal weight, and working hard at maintaining, and she's at the heaviest she's ever been, the subject of weight is very fraught for us.
When I was at my fattest, she urged me to do something about it, and worried about diabetes & other issues. But once I did, and was successful at it, I'm not sure that left her completely pleased, either.
When I visit her & I see how she eats, and being in the house brings back all kinds of memories of unhealthy eating behaviors, I have to feel that overeating was more than a little contagious in our family.
I'm curious how many people have mothers who also had weight problems, or at least, issues about weight & appearance. (Maybe that's the default among females ....?) How are they reacting to your ongoing efforts and/or success?
my mom seems to be genuinely happy about my success. growing up, she always stayed almost the same size, which looked to be fairly healthy. she really hates not being able to wear certain smaller sizes. and always (talks) strives to get back down to size. it wasn't until recently when she had moved several states away, and now dealing with an empty nest, she's dealing with some emotional eating. she says she's never had that problem before. she's working on losing the weight she gained after the move. and asks me for tips on different weightloss issues.
i don't really blame her, but i wish we had learned about low fat ways to cook growing up. and made being active a daily habit as a family.
My mom and I don't get along about everything, but fortunately on this topic we are cool. We have both had weight issues and I got much heavier than she ever did, but now she has been doing South Beach for a couple of years and I have been doing my low carb/low fat portion control thing. We actually both see personal trainers. She's very nice about it and buys me new clothes or gives me stuff she has that she thinks will fit me.
This gives us a lot of time to fight about other things. :wink:
My mom has dieted a few times through the years, but it never really stuck. My parents went through a divorce when I was about 5, and the family's response was a smothering with food. Most of the people in my family are heavy anyways, but for me the weight gain really took off around the time of the divorce.
My boyfriend's mom has always been obsessed with weight loss, and hovers around a size 4 - 6 most of the time. She's 55 and doesn't want to accept that sometimes as you get older, you gain a little bit of weight. Some days she goes crazy, eating almost nothing or having a grilled chicken breast and maybe a slim fast. Other days she'll eat more regular meals, and once in a while I see her eating some of her favorite indulgences of chocolate, coconut shrimp, lobster, etc. She always wants my boyfriend and me to lose weight, yet she gives us tons of candy, cookies, food, etc.
I feel like she's almost challenging or sabotaging us! She bought me 1/2 a dozen of chocolate dipped strawberries for Valentines Day, which is fine and fits in my plan to have 1 or 2 a day, but then she brought up mini Reeses, Dove chocolates, M&Ms, and more later that night. She constantly makes cakes, brownies, and cookies. My boyfriend's downfall is sweet things, too.
I feel like it's hard because she almost judges us and used to constantly check in on how my weight was going. It's frustrating because she takes everything very personally, like if we rejected the candies then we were rejecting her. We've tried to say things in a non-confrontational environment but she doesn't take the hint. Instead, we usually pick one or two of the treats she leaves and then give the rest away to friends or bring them to parties so that we're not eating them all. Once we're able to move into our own place this Fall I'm hoping that all the treats won't appear as frequently. I always appreciate her thoughtfulness, but darn is it hard to say no when she always buys our favorite junk
my mom is a double edged sword. She is overweight and has lost quite a bit and kept it off, she is I guess chubby. She is proud of me but is also jealous. To show she loves me she buys me chocolate and will bring over snack stuff. I think part of her is showing love with food and the other part is trying to sabotage me with food. I just bring everything to work :-D
My mom is my number ONE support. She tries in her own ways to encourage me and she always listens to my diet ramblings, no matter how many times I fail.
She has ALWAYS been thin and expereiced 'bouts' (?) of 'mild' (?) anorexia throughout her life. She has her own issues, needless to say her 'help' hasn't always been healthy, ("if you loose 90lbs by June, 3 months, I'll pay for a boob job" I tried for that one, I really did!) and being in her home though its not even where I grew up, does trigger some binging feelings if I am not very careful. But, I KNOW, when it comes down to it she totally has my back.
Mom always struggled with her weight. She was always on this diet or that diet. She'd lose a bit and then go back to her old ways. She currently weighs about 30 lbs less than me, but we're wearing the same sized shirts--I took a suitcase full of clothes that I no longer want home with me at Christmas and she got a new wardrobe.
She's genuinely happy for me that I've lost weight. She's also jealous and claims that it "must be nice". She doesn't understand that, despite watching her calories, fast food has little nutritional value.
Frankly, her health issues are my motivation to slim down. She's spent much of the past 20 years sedentary and has stiffened up substantially--she's okay if she moves around, but getting her to do that is a challenge. She's diabetic. She's had a quadruple bi-pass. She has high blood pressure. She has thyroid disease. She's developed kidney disease as a result of the diabetes. After her morning round of pills, I think she'd rattle if she jumped up and down vigorously.
She's inspired me to lose the weight so I don't end up like that in 25 years. I just wish I could help her lose it too.
So far she has been very supportive BUT it is starting to bug me when she tries to be a know-it-all when it comes to exercise, food and weight loss. I've always had weight problems since I was 8 or 9. She tried taking me to weight loss programs, etc. She thinks carbs are the devil and anyone on a diet cannot have ANY sweets. She actually wanted to throw out the healthified brownies I made (with applesauce instead of oil and egg whites) because she said I don't need it... She constantly monitors what I eat- "are you sure you can have that?" and "do you know how many calories/carbs/fat/whatever that has?"
She always says she is fat at 5'1 and 123-125lbs. I know I should not take it personal when she says that but um hello?! be happy you're not 200+lbs like me. I guess I get really frustrated because I try to "educate" her but there's no talking sense with that woman even though I know she means well.
Wow, after re-reading, I didn't realize this would be sort of a vent-ish post.
My Mom says the encouraging words but her actions are just the opposite. She makes a butt-load of desserts when I visit and has really unhealthy snacks and treats. Some of this is an excuse for her to indulge as well as celebratory of my visit but she will do this no matter what I say or ask her to do or not to do.
When I was preparing to undergo major abdominal surgery (hyster the hard way), I had to have just clear liquids and that awful phosphorus stuff the whole day before. I asked my family to go out to dinner so I didn't have to deal with the sights and smells of delicious food (while dealing with liquids, the bathroom and the anxiety of impending surgery). I asked them not to bring home any doggie bags or leftovers. All agreed but Mom still came home with 1/2 her meal in a to-go box. I asked her why she brought it home when I asked her not to and she said what's the big deal...I'll have it for lunch tomorrow. No matter how much she loves me and would hate to cause me any distress, it is just.not.in.her to leave it (raised in depression era). Mantra that day - She is who she is and I can't change that. It was still sitting in the fridge when I got home three days later.
Mom does not eat salad so no one ate salad. We had square meals - meat, veg, potato, dessert. She had weight issues (she never exercised, either - ladies don't sweat or perspire, they glow) eventually so did my dad with diabetes and all three of us girls all have weight issues. Her mother and father were heavy and so were my dad's parents. All of them were dessert/sweets focused. Grandma made butterscotch pie all the time. It is my heritage but not my destiny.
Last edited by DixC Chix; 02-13-2011 at 02:35 PM.
Reason: other thoughts
My issues deal more with the entire family than just my mom. For my mom's part, she's been 100% supportive of me at both my heaviest and my tiniest. I would say this is the one thing in our relationship she got right. Our issues lie elsewhere. The only problem, and it definitely affected me, was my height. She's 4'9" and I am the tallest female in my extended family by 5 inches and I'm taller than one uncle and my grandpa! I've always been made to feel like the Amazon woman, like I didn't belong. My mom always weighed around 90 pounds and was just tiny. I outgrew her by the end of the third grade. But she couldn't help any of that, except perhaps she could have praised my height a bit more and told me how lucky I was.
But her family is insane. They are very weight conscious and extremely judgmental, and as I said, TINY!! They've never said anything TO me, but saying it around me is almost worse. They are constantly ragging on strangers they see on the news, in commercials, celebrities, neighboring restaurant tables...no one is off limits. I know how they feel about fat people.
I get to go see them all out of state for a wedding and I haven't seen them in a couple years. This is why I am a touch stressed about my weight at the moment. It's the reason I'm really kicking it into high gear. Once this wedding is over, I might just slip into maintenance.
My mom has had weigth issues her entire adult life (and before that, although what was "heavy" in the 50s and 60s would be normal now, I think). I have been overweight or obese my entire life.
My mom is great for emotional support, lousy for actual food/exercise help. She has supported me my entire life as I've struggled with self-esteem. She helpd me when, as a teenager, I felt fat and ugly and unlovable. She has always been my biggest cheerleader. At the same time, she uses food to show love and serves the world's largest portions of largely unhealthy food.
Now, that I've have some demonstrated success in weight loss she's still supporting me - but this time, she's supporting me by understanding when I don't eat what she's made (or, more likely, eat a smaller portion instead of the plateful of spaghetti and garlic bread she's made). I still count that as support.
I visited my parents earlier this week. As the "paper towel effect" come into play, my weight loss is becoming more noticeable, yet neither my mom nor my dad brought it up. Unsurprising from my dad, but I could tell my mom wanted to but didn't know what to say. I think (speculation, but based on years of knowing her) that she's afraid of saying the wrong thing and messing me up. And, despite that it was slightly awkward for a second, I appreciate the fact that she's aware that her words and actions have consequences on me. That means a lot to me.
My mom has no issues with food. None whatsoever. She's a healthy size 8 at 5'2", a little stout and only now a little neurotic about the stoutness; has never really tried to diet in her life and the weight has crept up on her -- 120 to 130 to 140. No big deal.
She also eats TOTAL CRAP and doesn't eat until 5 pm on most days and then grazes all evening. She has low energy. She is depressed. She works too hard. None of these issues translate into food issues or body image issues, somehow. My mum's a doctor and she will harp on me for cholesterol and lack of exercise (she doesn't exercise either), and we eat fairly healthfully (lots of steamed/stir-fried veggies, Chinese prep styles for meats done the 'light' low-sodium lowfat way).
I inherited her tendency to graze when bored and her tendency to skip breakfast (and, when I was in HS, lunch). Switching from about 1 meal a day to 3 meals a day in college did wonders for my energy and mood but hurt my waistline too. I'm convinced that if I become much healthier from weight loss and exercise, I might be able to convince my mother to switch to less-damaging options and help her become healthier, if not smaller.
Last edited by lackadaisy; 02-13-2011 at 03:06 PM.
Well its nice to know that I'm not alone in the unsupportive mom dept...my mom never really supported me. She had this real hate of "fat slobs", (as she called them.), that stemmed from her childhood and early married years.
Once I started gaining weight, she would try to make me lose weight by making me feel like crap. When I was 14 and trying to fit me for a new dress, she told me I needed to stop getting fat or she wouldn't sew for me anymore, and I'd have to wear garbage bags instead.
After several failed attempts at weight loss, she just gave up on me. She started to spend more time with my sisters who are both slender, and when I dropped weight, she would include me, but when it came back on, she would stop being nice.
My dad was more supportive of me and so were my sisters. My little brother was protective of me as well, but it still sticks with me. Even to this day if my husband and I both text her, she will talk to him, but not me. If she has any news, or wants to ask me something, she will ask him even though she has my number.
Moving away though makes it so much easier to deal with. I am happier and my attempts work better and last longer and longer. One of these days, it will come off and stay off and my mom will have had nothing to do with it.
Last edited by CrystalZ10; 02-13-2011 at 03:28 PM.
Reason: trying to break it up into smaller paragraphs..
My mom and I have had a stormy relationship. She's a bit of a control freak, and eventually I realized that she doesn't cope well with things she doesn't understand or have control of. She is a wonderful teacher/mentor but the moment the student surpasses the teacher, she loses interest in sharing the interest/hobby at all (whether it's dieting or a craft).
If she doesn't get to play teacher, she doesn't want to play at all. She'll drop a topic faster than a hot potato if she feels someone has better mastery of it than she does.
I realize it's her insecurities. She's not a stupid woman, but she's very afraid that she is, or that she will look stupid to others. She shuts herself off from making friends and then complains she has no friends (when they moved to a new home, one of the neighbors was very persistent in trying to make friends, and the woman's friendliness for no apparent reason made Mom very uncomfortable). It makes her very unhappy, and I feel very sad for her. If she could laugh at herself, even a tiny bit, I think her life would be so much easier.
My mom has been supportive and recently has been having success with her own weight loss. But when I talk about my goal weight, she says she thinks it's too low. I think it might be too high.
How does your mother REALLY feel about your weight & your weight-loss efforts?
Our issues lie elsewhere. The only problem, and it definitely affected me, was my height. She's 4'9" and I am the tallest female in my extended family by 5 inches and I'm taller than one uncle and my grandpa! I've always been made to feel like the Amazon woman, like I didn't belong. My mom always weighed around 90 pounds and was just tiny. I outgrew her by the end of the third grade. But she couldn't help any of that, except perhaps she could have praised my height a bit more and told me how lucky I was. 
She has supported me my entire life as I've struggled with self-esteem. She helpd me when, as a teenager, I felt fat and ugly and unlovable. She has always been my biggest cheerleader. At the same time, she uses food to show love and serves the world's largest portions of largely unhealthy food. 
