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Not sure what to do, roommate issues.

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Old 01-09-2011, 09:57 PM   #1
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Default Not sure what to do, roommate issues.

My roommate has been a very good friend of mine since we were 10 years old. I lived with him and my brother for 6 years. My brother moved out and Rob and I moved to another apartment together. It has been going great until he now, he has a new girlfriend. Don't get my wrong, his girlfriend is wicked nice but she has stayed over here every night for the past 2 weeks (they have only been going out for 3 weeks). It's getting annoying. I think it's more annoying because I don't feel comfortable in my own apartment and I pay for half the rent. I am hoping that this eventually calms down.

I am debating on whether or not I should say something to him but I don't want him to get angry with me. What would you do in this situation?
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Old 01-09-2011, 10:23 PM   #2
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That is so frustrating. Having roommate issues is one of the things I don't miss; although I am still great friends with some of my old roomies. I think, since it has been 3 weeks and nothing seems to be changing, I would mention that you like her but that her staying over and what about it makes you uncomfortable. I think it might be a good idea to let him know what you want him to do about it, ie let you know when she's staying, let her pay part of the rent etc... Good luck!
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Old 01-09-2011, 10:25 PM   #3
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If it was me i'd joke about it in fornt of them something along the lines of "well if -----(enter gfs name here) stays here anymore shes gunna have to start paying rent.(chuckle here)." If something like that doesn't work I would pull him aside and say something about how its making you uncomfortable and maybe they could stay at her place some time. If hes a longtime friend he should understand. Just say you like her it just makes you feel awkward living with a "couple"....
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Old 01-09-2011, 10:26 PM   #4
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Someone who's essentially living in your apartment needs to either pay rent or spend some time at home.

If I were in your shoes, I would absolutely say something to him. Say it kindly, say it with a smile, say it with love--but say it. "I think she's great, Rob, but I've gotta tell you, I need some 'me time' to relax when company isn't here constantly."

It isn't fair to pay half the rent, yet get one-third of an apartment. You've known him a long time and trust him enough to share a household with him; you can also trust him with this concern, I'm sure.
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Old 01-09-2011, 11:10 PM   #5
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A good rule for roommates on this matter is that partners can't spend more than half the nights of the week over (and they can sleep over together wherever the other person lives the other half). It will be uncomfortable to discuss this now rather than back when the lease started but I think it's good to have it sooner rather than later, and with a smile like everyone else said.

Don't offer up "she needs to start paying rent" as a solution that lets her stay all the time unless that would actually make you feel comfortable or better--I know it wouldn't do so for me.
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Old 01-09-2011, 11:33 PM   #6
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hmmm is she staying over because she has no where to go or because she just wants to spend as much time with him as possible? figuring that out for sure would clarify the issue of her actually having to pay rent or not.

also, i might wait it out a couple of weeks- they're in that beginning stage of a relationship...maybe it'll pass and they'll realize that they don't need to spend every waking moment together.

if it gets to the point where she is there when he isn't, then definitely pull him aside or ask him to get coffee with you and just discuss the situation. if you guys are good friends, then he should understand you're feelings about it. also, your brother might offer up some insight into how he might react

ugh i feel for you...i would hate to be in that situation...
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Old 01-10-2011, 12:36 AM   #7
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Urgh, I've been in this situation before. Unfortunately, I just ended up letting it slide by, and the boyfriend of my roommate didn't leave or pay a single bill for 6 months.

Determine how frequently you feel is fair for her to spend the night and then what your absolute limit would be. Maybe weekends are fair-game but you don't want her there on weeknights. Or you might want her to spend no more than three nights in a row there, and then you need her away for four nights. Figure out a couple different situations that you feel comfortable with and then have a conversation with Rob, alone. Tell him you like his girlfriend, but you're uncomfortable with always having another person in the apartment with you all the time. Offer what you feel is a fair agreement and then give him some time to think about what he will work. Make that your agreement...that way, if she starts coming back too often, you have ground rules to remind him of
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:36 AM   #8
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Last night I wish I had ear plugs! I went to bed at 10:30 last night but didn't fall asleep until 1:30ish and had to wake up for work at 6:25am. I am not going to tell you what I heard but I am sure you all have an idea. Then they would be quiet for a bit, I would start to fall asleep and then all I hear is them either laughing or talking. Rob's bedroom is right next to mine so you can hear everything.

Her name is Ashli, she lives with her mom about 1 mile down the street so it's not like she doesn't have somewhere to live. As of right now she only sleeps here but then goes home to do laundry, take shower ext... I would not ask for rent until I see her taking showers at our place, doing laundry or eating my food. I just want my privacy sometimes. I will let Rob know how loud they were last night and hopefully he is a little more considerate. If that doesn't work I will sit down with him next week and talk to him. I really hope he understands but sometimes he can be thick headed .

Thank you for all the advice!
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:53 AM   #9
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This is where I draw the line is when you have me lose sleep...
I'd say something and be like look it's great you have a girlfriend I really like her and all but seriously does she need to be here every waking moment of the day?

I like my space personally so me living with a roomate is a no go with me, but if I had to then fine...but me living with a roomate who has a mate who is constantly there is not fine with me. I don't want to have to come home every day and seeing their faces. I don't want to wake up every morning and see there faces!

I lived with my aunt and cousin for about a month and a half and they were ALWAYS home, ALWAYS awake when I was. So on days they finally were sleeping and I'd get an hour or so to myself I enjoyed it.

I'd say something but as everyone said do it nicely. the relationship is growing and eventually they will get bored of each other because they are spending this much time with each other too soon...but lets say it last another three weeks...do you really want to deal with this for another three weeks? I wouldn't. I'd straight up talk to him about it, and tell him next time he feels the need to get freaky go do it else where or keep it down. :P
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:31 PM   #10
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Personally, I've decided to just act like my roommates gf is another roommate. I was uncomfortable around her at first, I felt like I needed to clean up all the time. Now I'm like whatever, my room is messy, my roommate knows I'm messy and now his gf knows it too. So what

It is weird to hear them have sex, but well, I guess I won't have to feel bad like I have to be quite for them if I start dating anyone
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:18 PM   #11
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Here's the problem and I've dealt with it more than once. He's paying rent for ONE room and she's in his room. There's no "three way" type split if she doesn't have a room. He's on the lease, he pays rent, he can have anyone he wants over. Sadly, that's just the way it is. If you had laid out the rules in advance, that would be different but you can't change the rules of the game half way through. I know it's hard, but the only thing you can do is talk to him about the noise.
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