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How would you handle this situation?

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Old 01-09-2011, 09:35 AM   #1
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Default How would you handle this situation?

This past year has been pretty trying for me, probably one of the biggest changes is my dad becoming severely depressed/suicidal. I don't live with him but obviously this has had a massive impact on our family.

I've been my mums carer since I was very young, so even though my dad and I have had our issues, he's always been my solid parent figure. That all changed.

I've found the strain of being my mums carer, worrying and trying to support my dad, trying to deal with my own issues with eating and working full time to be totally overwhelming.

I had resolved to make positive changes in the NY, but these were hampered by waking up on Christmas day to horrible flu. I'm still feeling really awful with it, I have no energy to even walk short distances, a constant pounding headache, temperature and generally feeling lousy. My Doctor signed me off until this Monday, since I was getting over the vomiting part of the flu (Sorry if that's tmi).
I haven't been in work for 2 weeks now, and I've felt so guilty about the fact its probably putting my co-workers under extra pressure, we also have a new boss, who probably now has a terrible impression of me.
The problems is I still feel awful, but I have to go in tomorrow and they'll be expecting me after 2 weeks to be all well again.

I feel totally down atm, physically exhausted and crappy and emotionally drained. I had an appointment with a counsellor for an assessment next week, but now I've had to cancel since I can hardly go back to work after 2 weeks off and take another day off.

I'm totally at a loss of what to do, but I feel like I can't go on like this. I find the problems in my family, mainly with my parents are a massive trigger for my bulimia, and I can't get anyone to listen to me when I say it's getting too much looking after everyone. I guess I've done it for so long they assume it will be fine. My brother especially makes me feel guilty for not wanting to take care of my parents. I do really want to though, I love looking after people I just don't feel like I'm in any position to be doing it. I'm very aware that it's just making me worse.

Any sort of suggestions would be so appreciated, I feel so alone with this.
I'm absolutely dreading work tomorrow.
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Old 01-09-2011, 09:46 AM   #2
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Work is Your responsibility. Your parents are adults, so their lives are THEIR responsibility. Helping is one thing. Caring for them while neglecting yourself is another. Maybe you need a little more balance?

*HUGS* to you. It can't be easy and I think I am sounding harsh, but that isn't how I mean it. More like tough love than trying to be nasty.

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Old 01-09-2011, 11:16 AM   #3
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My mother was in the same position you're in.
My grandmother (I love her dearly but she's been
known to not make the best decisions) has moved
in with us off and on for the last five years.

None of my aunt and uncles wanted to take her
in, so they pressured my mother to do it.
She, too, felt guilty and obliged to take care of
her mother. But each time we allowed her back
into our house, my grandmother would always
find a way to shoot my mother down.

The latest time was when she skipped on paying
a $400 rent bill and left it up to my mother to
pay it (mind you, my mother is a single mom with
five children). My mother finally put her foot
down and told my grandmother she had to
find her own place. We love her dearly, however
she was causing much damage living with us.

Please, don't ever allow your brother to make
you feel guilty about taking care of your parents.

It is great to want to help your parents, but don't
forget to help yourself as well. It seems like
taking care of them so often is damaging you as
well. Have you expressed this concern to them?
Maybe you could try visiting them once a week?
Do they live with you? If so, they too could probably
get their own place.

I know this all is very challenging and stressful
for you. It also makes it a much more slippery
slope when your father is severely depressed.
I suggest finding a therapist that will work with
him and finding yourself a therapist as well that
can help you with your bulimia and stress.

Please, do take care and feel better.

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Old 02-07-2011, 03:10 PM   #4
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How's it going now, serendipity?
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:42 PM   #5
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I just found this thread. I hope you are feeling by now?
I am sorry to hear about what all you have to handle. From your description, it sounds to me like may be developing depression. Can you talk to your doctor about your feelings?
Big hugs your way.
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Old 02-19-2011, 01:57 PM   #6
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Thank you for your concern

Things have eased up a little, helps to be feeling back to normal again

I am in counselling now, and I am feeling fairly hopeful that I can begin resolving my issues.
Stress (Especially from family things) always manifests itself in bizarre eating patterns for me, and since October it's really been the whole spectrum of b/p, followed by a week of 500cals a day and then binging on a massive scale the next. Not really surprised I ended up getting unwell.

I think I had been in denial about how bad my eating was for so long, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't function normally or deal with life challenges at the same time...

It is still incredibly difficult to listen to my Dad talk at the moment, and it was made worse by him telling me I'd look "better" at 112lbs or so. I told myself I'm older now and won't let him effect me, then unknowingly spent at least 4 days afterwards feeling miserable and restricting more.

This post has been a bit of a jumble, I'm just relieved to be seeing some light at the end of the tunnel
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Old 02-19-2011, 04:39 PM   #7
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Good to hear from you, serendipity.

I'm very glad to hear you're seeing a counsellor. Well done for getting that organised. Articulating the issues is a good step along the way towards resolving them and if you're seeing light glimmering at the end of the tunnel too ... hurray!

Very best wishes. You've got a lot on your plate.
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