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A Little Sad For My Friend

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Old 01-08-2011, 11:38 AM   #1
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For a year while my friend's husband was deployed I was living with a friend and I was doing all the cooking. We were losing weight together and we were both doing great. I was losing faster because I was exercising and I'm 4 inches taller so while we were about the same weight, I carried mine a lot differently. Well, I moved out in September because he was coming home and three's a crowd (and I'm not particularly fond of the man). I just saw pictures of her from Christmas - only three months since I moved out - and she's gained all the weight back. It makes me sad for her because she was trying so hard and doing so well. I taught her how to cook right for herself and now all that work she did for almost a year is undone in the three months since he's been home. He's a big pasta, potato, crappy meat eater (doesn't like pork or turkey just red meats and some chicken). I know she's giving in to his fried fatty foods and bad eating and it makes me sad to see so much hard work undone so quickly. Is it really possible to gain nearly 30 pounds back in three months?

I know I can only take care of myself but when you've worked so hard to teach someone good habits, it's hard to see them lost so quickly.
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:47 AM   #2
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30lbs in 3 months is very easy! (Unfortunately)

I know you know you can only take care of yourself but I wanted to add one caution: sometimes we can get sucked in to others' negativity; sometime they can make us feel guilty about what we've achieved and they haven't. Please, don't be tempted to ease up on what you're (so fantastically) doing, out of sympathy for your friend.
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:53 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Rosinante View Post
30lbs in 3 months is very easy! (Unfortunately)

I know you know you can only take care of yourself but I wanted to add one caution: sometimes we can get sucked in to others' negativity; sometime they can make us feel guilty about what we've achieved and they haven't. Please, don't be tempted to ease up on what you're (so fantastically) doing, out of sympathy for your friend.
Rosinante ~ I can definitely promise I will not allow her gain to taint what I'm working so hard on. She's pretty far away now so I'm not around her every day. I'll be seeing her in March again and it will make me sad but it won't make me stop my efforts. I'm determined to be a 10 or even an 8 by then even if she's back to being a 18 or 20 by then.

I guess I'm sad because it's like anyone who's taught anything to someone, you take the time and effort to teach someone and they act like they are learning but the minute you turn your back, they toss it all out the window.

And thank you for the compliment. I do appreciate it.

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Old 01-08-2011, 12:07 PM   #4
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Remember her husband was deployed and is now back home. She is probably so happy to have him home safe that she will cook anything that he wants. Not good for her diet but understandable.
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:17 PM   #5
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Well, as someone whose husband is about to come home from a deployment I can easily see how that happens. When you go so long without them in your life, everything else gets pushed in the background and taking to to exercise is probably the first thing. You would much rather spend time with him than go to the gym if he is not going. Also, if he wasn't eating healthy than he probably wanted all of his favorite foods and when someone else is eating all those foods you love, but shouldn't have it's very hard to say no.

Luckily for me, my husband has been working out over there as well and we both want to be healthy, but when I was the one who was more into working out and eating right, I found that I put on weight when we were together because his bad decisions affected my own. I felt if he was doing it, it was okay for me to do.

I understand you feel like she didn't listen to what you said, but I'm sure she did. Her priorities right now are just different than yours. Maybe one day she will get to that point where she can make the big life change to be healthy or maybe she won't, but that isn't something you should hold yourself responsible for.

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Old 01-08-2011, 12:29 PM   #6
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Remember her husband was deployed and is now back home. She is probably so happy to have him home safe that she will cook anything that he wants. Not good for her diet but understandable.
Their situation isn't cut and dry like that. She likes having a husband, she doesn''t actually like to have him around. Hence, why I left. He was deployed to Greece, not a war zone. And he's only home on weekends now. That's probably TMI but it could also be why she's gained. He doesn't allow her to be herself all that much. He's probably controlling what is in the house even when she's not there. I'm just so sad because she worked so hard and he's likely the one who took it all away. I don't know. It could be either she's tossed what she learned or he's controlling things. It's hard to say. It was just so sad to see her pictures on Facebook this morning that I probably immediately went to one place instead of stepping back and remembering what a jerk he is.

Ashley, you're lucky. Sounds like you've got a great guy.

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Old 01-08-2011, 02:50 PM   #7
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Hi Jesse, Good for you giving a helping hand to a friend and no doubt enjoying her company as well but it's best to leave it be and hopefully try not to show how sad you are at her "plight" otherwise you are likely to come over as trying to be controlling. I'm sure you have every intention of being a loyal and true friend but it's a fine line when emotions run riot over such things as weight problems especially as she is most probably rather aware of the situation herself.
Do hope things go well when you meet up.
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Old 01-08-2011, 03:26 PM   #8
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[quote=Jesse Taylor;3640912]He doesn't allow her to be herself all that much. He's probably controlling what is in the house even when she's not there.[quote]

Your frustration is understandable.

If he's that controlling and she doesn't even like having him around, then she probably has some bigger issues. It was really good of you to teach her how to take better care of herself. She'll probably remember what you taught her, even if she's not acting on it right now. A lot of people have to try several times to lose weight, often while working through other issues. She just might not be in a place where that's something she can do right now. Or it might not be something she can really ever manage. Whatever paths she chooses, you've done your part by being a supportive friend. Hang in there.

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