This is what I want. I told him yesterday I want a divorce, and then last night we went to see Harry Potter together. We're amicable and I want to keep it this way. I wouldn't mind being neighbors with him and I think that would be ideal for the kids. Emotionally, I am simply spent.
Without going through all the details my ex and I did a great job overall of co-parenting our children. As I mentioned we are still friends today, in fact we were in church together this morning...but that is common...she will be at my house Christmas Eve as she has been every year since our divorce, 1990. We have actually stayed in the same hotel room several times ....after I remarried....weired yes, to most...but not for us....
HOWEVER...it took a lot of effort years ago, mostly on my part, your husband doesn't seem like he would be so willing.....
Since he isn't working will you be required to pay him alimony?
I hope I am wrong about your husbands "attitude" after a divorce
Saef, thank you so much. You really made feel a sense of friendship through your post. The internet is so weird, isn't it? This has been a long time coming and I appreciate so much that you see that. As always, you are absolutely spot on. It's funny you mention that I made changes to my body in order to be stronger for this moment. I had a similar thought yesterday. My body changes have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on. I started this process ten years ago and needed it done for me. But isn't the timing impeccable? It finally worked now? I had the thought that his slip up with the ex girlfriend was a sign to me, the last straw, the one thing I could really hang my hat on as the final solid reason for leaving. I have many, many reasons for leaving, but they're all small. This one thing he has done may or may not be bad enough to leave him over, but when combined with everything else, this is my moment. And I thought, my goodness, how lucky I am to have made the changes I have. I don't have to be the woman to say, "I'll lose weight and show him." I actually have the self-confidence to say "Wow, he wants to leave me for her? Really?" I don't feel inferior in any way, and that's a precious gift. I'm really proud of myself right now.
EZ, I do actually see having exactly that kind of relationship with him. He really is generally a very good man, with a very not-so-good man slip up. What he did is very unlike him. He kindly asked where I wanted him to sleep and I laughed and said our bed is the size of Africa, it doesn't bother me a bit to share a bed. Perhaps that gets weird? But it's not weird right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HartLover23
I have to ask, Eliana, how long as he been depressed for? Why have four doctors said that he's untreatable? And if you don't mind me asking, why have you wanted out for a long time?
He's been depressed our entire marriage, but he's been severe for about five years. As I said, he's suicidal. He's considered "untreatable" because so far we can not find meds that work and because he just endured 12 rounds of shock therapy that did not work. There's a small percentage of people for whom that doesn't work and he's it. I feel for him. I hate this for him. And that's why I have wanted out for so long. I have been trapped due to his illness. Who leaves a man who is this sick? What kind of person would that make me? This is why this is my opportunity. He did something that he can not blame on his depression, though guess what...he's trying to. He said he went to her because he was that sad.
Thanks for making me write that out. He has a way of sucking me back in.
Be strong for you and your kiddos. You've already proven to yourself how strong and determined you are. When it comes to your children I KNOW you can be even stronger. He can't blame this on depression. Nice try, but no sir. It was a concious effort/decision on his part. It will be a better living situation for you and your children if you guys separate from him for awhile. Yes, it will be tough there's no way around that. But think of how much better their lives and attitudes will be. They shouldn't have to deal with his problems. He needs to work on bettering himself, and maybe you and the kiddos leaving for a while will be all the motivation he needs. Whether it is or not, I feel the children will be much better off visiting him rather than living with him.
Good luck, hold your head high, and most of all believe in yourself and your capabilities.
Kids are incredibly intuitive and they know when something is off in their world. they also crave stability, and the “walking on eggshells” that you mentioned having to do probably applies to them as well, i’m sure. only they’re children so they don’t understand why, and that can become something a child internalizes (if it hasn’t already been internalized over the past 5 years). As a child of divorce, I would very much have appreciated it if my sane, strong parent had had the maturity and strength to make life changing decisions with me in mind. I think your kids will thank you for this in the long run.
It is, however, important that your kids know that it is OK to be mad about this. It is OK for them to feel any way that they feel. And as their mother, it is important that you understand that they will be mad, but that, although it may seem like they are mad at you, they are simply scared and upset that they have no control over their world. Try not to take it personally if they act out in anger or blame you at the beginning. Encourage them to speak to you about how this is making them feel. If anyone is having trouble finding the words, ask them to draw pictures with you, and in that fun stress free environment remind them that you love them, and that daddy loves them, and that whatever they’re feeling or thinking is OK. And also, if you can keep your relationship amicable after divorce, as you’ve said you’d like to do, that will be the best possible thing for your children.
I think what your doing is wonderful. I’ve read your posts a few times and wondered to myself exactly how it was that you were living like this. I’m so sorry you’re going through something so difficult, but I am confident that you will be a better person for it.
Has he been to a psychologist to rule out any personality disorders? It seems that if drugs and shock treatments (wow) didn’t work, psychotherapy with a trained professional will help get to the root of the problem.
EDIT: I also agree that intent to cheat is just as bad. I absolutely refuse to be disrespected like that. I don’t blame you that the Facebook thing was your last straw.
How exactly does one end a country song? I feel like I am in the world's worst ever country song.
1. Divorce looming
2. My mom is dieing a horrible death
3. My mom just informed me that my brother, who is my WORLD, is drinking heavily again. I adore him. He is a severe alcoholic and another round of this will likely kill him. The last time he actually turned green.
4. DH is currently at the hospital...suicidal...again
5. My dad just lost his job due to the economy in Florida.
Please someone...turn off the radio!! I've.had.enough.
DH and I have a pretty awesome marriage- but with that said, if I found out that he was flirting with other women on facebook and making "just in case things dont work out" plans, I would need some serious convincing to stay. If it were a bad marriage, peace out! So, yes, I think the intent to cheat is just as bad as actually doing it.
I don't know your particularly well, but my heart has often broken for you through some of your posts about your family situation. My stepfather suffered from depression quite severely, and it ultimately ended he and my mother's 14 year marriage. There's a heaviness and an obligation that comes with living with someone so ill- they have no interests or energy, any responsibility is too much for them to handle, they're often tense and easily agitated. It's exhausting. Not even counting all of the extra slack you have to pick up. My mom just couldn't take it anymore. They saw four therapists, he tried countless medications. In the end the pscyhiatrist unofficially diagnosed him borderline personality disorder. (He wouldn't officially diagnose him because insurance considers BPD an untreatable disorder and, therefore, would stop covering the meds he did take. The meds did make things SOMEWHAT better, and so stopping them would have just made things worse) I watched my exceptionally social mother spend less time out with people because stepdad couldnt handle it. She was working 60 hours a week, doing all of the housework, all of the cooking, all of the grocery shopping. He wasn't working, but wouldn't vaccuum, or go to the store with a list, or, really, do anything. He was easily angered, and constantly tense. She finally couldn't take it, and ended it. Just a little over a year later- I have never seen my mom happier. It wasn't easy, and for awhile she struglled with feeling very guilty. But, ultimately, she did what was best and is thrilled with her decision.
Your children know something is wrong. They know that mom is torn, exhausted, nervous. Adjusting to a divorced family will be tough, but they deserve to have a stable household. You deserve your sanity. He is sick. He is suffering. And right now, you are too. You have worked your very hardest, but you need to be strong for your children and yourself.
I am a child of divorce. My understanding of what happened is that my dad essentially left my mom for my stepmom. I was never told that, never asked, and as an adult, have informed my parents that I have no interest in ever knowing. (though my sister is the opposite. bluntly asked, and my "understanding" comes from what she has told me) My parents raised me well. They didn't fight or call eachother names. They were both there for every big moment in my life. They drove me down to college together. They both walked my sister down the aisle at her wedding. They email jokes to eachother. This Sunday night we will all be getting together for Christmas- mom, stepmom, dad, half brothers, my sister, our husbands, etc. and it will be great. You can coparent as long as your partner is willing, and despite what common thought seems to be, "staying together for the kids" isn't necessarily a better option.
Eliana... my mother just divorced my father (today it finalized actually). Let me say that I do not hate her for doing so. In fact, I wish it had happened many years ago. Get your kids and get out. If you are unhappy, they are unhappy. They may not know the details of this particular issue but I'm sure it's clear that something is not right.
Suicidal can also mean "Homicidal"....so you may want to chose your words wisely with a person like this and careful about making threats of divorce at this particular time.
Are you serious? That is insulting to any person out there that has ever been depressed and experienced suicidal ideation. There is huge distinct line between the two.
Eliana, I said a prayer for you and hope that you find a support network in real life that can guide you through this transitional time. There are agency/people out there to help you make the move both financially and emotionally.
Twinsmomma - actually, neuroscience research is starting to show that both suicidal and homicidal impulses are controlled in the same area of the brain, involve many of the same neurotransmitters. One current theory is that both are rooted in extreme rage. When there is an external subject for that rage, it can be turned outward and become homicidal, and when there is no external subject for that rage, it can turn inward and become suicidal. I think that in this case, it may be wise to take some measures for personal safety, just in case. This is definitely a situation where, if you feel that either of you is at risk for harm, it'd be much better to hit the panic button early than too late.
Obviously not all suicidal individuals have homicidal ideation...the vast majority likely do not (which is why joyfulloser said "can" turn into...not "will" turn into). But given the brain links between the two, I think caution is called for here.
And I'm saying this as someone who HAS struggled with depression and suicidal ideation. While I never turned violent toward anyone but myself, I do know that at that time, I was unstable and unpredictable. I don't consider it necessarily a "slap in the face" to think that one might want to exercise caution around unstable, unpredictable people when they are going through emotionally difficult circumstances.
Eliana - this is rough. REALLY rough. Please make sure you have a BIG support group, both here and in person, to help you get through what is sure to be a difficult time ahead. Sometimes, you really do need to take care of you, and it seems like you're taking positive steps toward doing so.
youfulloser said "Suicidal can mean homicidal," not "suicidal means homicidal,"
nor " All, most, (or even many) suicidal people are homicidal."
I've been on "both sides of the couch" when it comes to depression - working in social service (with masters' degree in psychology), and dealing with depression myself (given my education I was quite stubborn about admitting I was depressed). At the worst point in my health issues, while I was applying for disability, I didn't seriously consider suicide, only because I didn't have the energy to carry it out. If you could wish yourself dead, I would have been.
As for suicide being linked with homicide, it isn't unfortunately all that rare. Surely you've heard of murder/suicide. It's sadly not all that rare for a person to kill themselves after killing others. Every community in which I've lived (and they've been small, not large, urban communities) have had at least one such incident a year, and most have had several, so obviously suicidal can mean homicidal, and homicidal can mean suicidal.
It doesn't even have to be rage related. Some people when they see they're causing their loved ones a great deal of pain, as much as they see themselves in, it isn't a big leap from "I'd be better off dead," to "We'd all be better off dead. Maybe we'll be happy together in heaven, or at least it will end our suffering."
I've never crossed that line myself, but I have worked with many people who have, and it itsn't an illogical leap. If you can think the former, the latter isn't much of a stretch. Of course it doesn't mean they always go together, but there is the potential.
Post-partum depression is one of the most risky types of depression for suicidal/homicidal ideations. Not all women who experience post-partum depression experience suicidal or homicidal thoughts, but there are many who experience one or both. And being outraged at the suggestion that the two can go together can actually inhibit people from seeking treatment, because they're too ashamed of the homicidal feelings to admit them or seek treatment for them.
It's ok to admit that the two can go together, because they can.
With regard to the homicidal comments, actually I was already thinking about it. I need to ask his doctor if he thinks DH fits any kind of profile I need to look out for. DH has OCD that is entirely based on obsessive thoughts and I have worried that he could get a loop thought in his head of killing me or the boys and with all the strain...well...I never thought he'd write a letter like to an ex-girlfriend either and yet here we are. I kicked him out for a week a few weeks ago because he was unpredictable and unstable and was scaring me. That was because of the last ECT treatment he'd had but still. Basically I do not know.
I am not afraid of him, not at all. But I do have to have that in the back of my mind.
Eliana
You've been a weightloss inspiration to me, and now one on a personal level. You are a very brave, strong woman. Thank you for being on this site and sharing all things, good and bad.
You really made feel a sense of friendship through your post. The internet is so weird, isn't it? This has been a long time coming and I appreciate so much that you see that. As always, you are absolutely spot on. It's funny you mention that I made changes to my body in order to be stronger for this moment. I had a similar thought yesterday. My body changes have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on. I started this process ten years ago and needed it done for me. But isn't the timing impeccable? It finally worked now? I had the thought that his slip up with the ex girlfriend was a sign to me, the last straw, the one thing I could really hang my hat on as the final solid reason for leaving. I have many, many reasons for leaving, but they're all small. This one thing he has done may or may not be bad enough to leave him over, but when combined with everything else, this is my moment. And I thought, my goodness, how lucky I am to have made the changes I have. I don't have to be the woman to say, "I'll lose weight and show him." I actually have the self-confidence to say "Wow, he wants to leave me for her? Really?" I don't feel inferior in any way, and that's a precious gift. I'm really proud of myself right now. 
What he did is very unlike him. He kindly asked where I wanted him to sleep and I laughed and said our bed is the size of Africa, it doesn't bother me a bit to share a bed. Perhaps that gets weird? But it's not weird right now.
He has a way of sucking me back in.
