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Old 11-22-2010, 04:15 PM   #1
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Default Overwhelmed.

I am on the verge of a breakdown or breakthrough. The way it feels right now, it's going to be a breakdown.

I am totally worried about our finances and money, first and foremost. My husband has a horrible habit of purchasing things without thinking them through first. We have a motorcycle that he bought on a whim that he can't drive. He purchased it from a place that I swear was about as back-alley as it gets. I could've whalloped him for buying one there alone. The cycle has been sitting under a tarp for the past... um... I think 3 years? Maybe longer. He refuses to let me take it in to be worked on, he hasn't gotten licensed for it and won't let me do it. Not that I have an inclination to... After his truck was totaled in an accident, instead of buying a truck for the same amount that his old one was worth (it was almost new) he bought one that was way more expensive. We went from paying off all of our debt to being further back into it than we were. He buys whatever he wants because it's "his" money, and when we had money in savings, he spent it because of that reason. He bought a $350 gun and a bunch of accessories with money we were going to use for Christmas, saying he'd be able to put it all back soon, but he didn't. We're almost in the red every month and we SHOULDN'T be. There's no reason for it. I have become terrified to spend money, especially since he's set to lose his job in 10 months. He has some physical health problems that would get better if he was in better shape, and has depression. A lot of his depression stems from his self-image. He takes no initiative to change it though. He buys fast food and orders in several times a week. He doesn't work out, and when he does, he'll break a sweat then stop and lay down on the mats. I told him I'm worried about him and our family, but he tells me not to worry about it, to let HIM worry about it. He'll say, let's just not think about it now. But... I'm SCARED. He won't let me get a part time job for *some* extra money, even though we're so short at the end of the month that sometimes I wonder how the **** we're going to pay bills. And that's WITH an $80,000 a year job. What's going to happen when he loses that?!

I can't sleep. I'm having trouble eating. I actually caught myself browsing for wine just to have something to take the edge off. I refuse to drink if I'm stressed because of a fear of alcoholism, but a part of me wants to scream SCREW IT and get wasted and sit on my *** all day like my husband does. But then what happens to my family? I am totally overwhelmed. I feel like I'm inside a crumbling castle, and I'm trying to dodge all the stones falling while trying to keep the damn thing from falling apart.
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Old 11-22-2010, 04:42 PM   #2
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It sounds like what my husband and I went through- and the biggest thing was I was in charge of finances and my husband always thought we had more than we did.

The only solution for me was to sit him down, show exactly what our income was, what our debts were, and how much we had each month to spend AFTER we paid our bills. He was actually shocked that our bills covered 75% of our income and that's NOT counting food!

So while between the two of us we make GREAT money- it wasn't showing cuz he'd buy many things on a whim- course not a motorcylce- but things like he'd drop $600 on a keyboard and then let it sit around and turn around and sell it for $200 and act like what was my problem?!

We actually went to counseling because I was ready to walk. I told him how his spending made me feel and with the counselor's help he was able to see that I wasn't just being a stick in the mud- that we really DID NOT have the money he thought we did and I wasn't just SAYING we were broke. I partially blame myself for taking charge of all our money but after our talk, after our budgeting, and after each week of adding what we have spent and putting it on a spreadsheet, he really has no excuse and he knows that now. We made a budget that included each month him having money to buy whatever he wants and myself as well, if we go over that number it is subtracted from the next month.

Now he's working hard to stay on budget, and sure he's not perfect (oh man the first month he spent double his budget and was really amazed at how little he had to work with). But each month he gets better and he's also started thinking along the lines of "if I want this I have to save for it." I'm very proud of him.

You really have to sit him down and possibly seek professional help if he refuses to listen. Make him realize how this is affecting your marriage- I'm sure you won't stick around forever if he refuses to change. If he loves you, he'll listen, he's a husband now, he's not single, and his decisions not only affect him, but you and the rest of your family.

Good luck.
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Old 11-22-2010, 08:47 PM   #3
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You're a military wife, right? Have you heard of military onesource?
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Old 11-22-2010, 11:46 PM   #4
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I'm sorry you are going through a trying time with the hubby. It worries me that he wants to be the only one worrying about the financial situation you all are in and how he wants to turn a blind eye.

I know that when I am depressed I pay absolutely no mind to my money. I eat out like there is no tomorrow. I feel like I have no self worth so I think, "Why should I bother? Why bother managing my money? Why bother with eating healthy?" The next thing I know I don't have any money, I'm sick from eating so much junk, and I still feel empty.

Maybe his depression is a bit worse then thought...? Is he on anti-depressants? If not, maybe that would help. Or as beerab mentioned, seeking the help of a counselor.

I really hope everything starts looking up for you dear.
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:42 AM   #5
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It's gotten worse. I'm pretty numb right now. He got drunk. We started arguing, not really "fighting" but having a heated discussion, and he said I'm not a good mother. He said I can't handle the kids and house. He said there's something wrong with me and that I haven't grown and "adapted" throughout our marriage. He told me he knows I don't want to be a wife and mother. This is based on me telling him repeatedly that I need help with the house and kids. He told me I'm more like my family than I care to admit. Everything he said has left me with a fuzzy, hazy feeling. I want to cry but can't. The tears kinda bubble up but don't come out. I'm angry but can't do anything except sit here. I feel numbed, or sedated, but inside I'm... I don't know. I told him I want to separate. He said fine. That he'd start finding me a place tomorrow, and that he'd even find me men to date. I just don't understand. I try to be a good wife, I really do, but I can't just sit here and be a doormat for him to wipe his dirty feet on. The last thing I want is to lose my family. I do love being a stay at home mom, but I can't do everything 100%. I get burned out and need someone to lean on, but I don't have anyone and I'm expected to suck it up and carry on. Clean up his mess. Don't comment on his stuff lying around. Make his dinner. Keep food in the house. Keep the kids happy. Keep the house picked up. Don't comment on his drinking. Or spending. Part of me wishes I was just a robot who can do all of these things without feeling restless and frustrated. Then a smaller part of me rises to the top and says "This is not right!" and wants me to fight to be happier. This is the part of me that gets me into trouble. And how awful is it that I consider fighting for my own happiness trouble? What the **** have I become?
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Third and Maybe FINAL GOAL: 130lbs
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:41 AM   #6
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I really feel for you .
It sounds like your husband has so many problems with himself that he's looking to make you feel bad about yourself too. Please don't buy into it. This is not about you and what you do. It's about him having no self-esteem. Depression definitely doesn't help in that situation.
As others have suggested, are there any resources you can utilize in the way of counseling? Even if he refuses to go, there might be many things you can figure out for yourself. Is there an AL ANON meeting nearby? Even if your husband isn't an alcoholic, he might have a lot of alcoholic behaviors and AL ANON helps you deal with that. Does the Army provide counseling? Are you in a church that could offer help?

I'm not one to give relationship advise, but when you say "I can't just sit here and be a doormat for him to wipe his dirty feet on", I think you hit the nail on the head. You deserve so much better - and so do your kids!!!!

I hope you find a way to work this out. I'm rooting for you!
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:49 AM   #7
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Pint, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if you've heard of Military OneSource, but they have a lot of resources for service members and their families. It seems like you've been giving your husband a lot of love and support- I'd like to gently suggest that you deserve support, too.
Military OneSource can help you find a counselor in your area and will help you arrange up to 12 free counseling sessions. In the San Antonio area, the folks I've seen use the service usually have their first appointment within days, and the the provider is someone off base- most people like that. You and your husband are eligible for the counseling.
www dot militaryonesource dot com or 1-800-342-9647 to speak to a consultant.
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:55 AM   #8
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Oh, Pint, I'm so sorry. You are right. You are worth so much more than being a doormat. I'm a stay at home mom and I lean heavily on my hubby when it comes to the children, because we BOTH are parents. We made them together, we raise them together. It's a partnership. Your husband isn't acting like a partner in a team, he's acting like he's single. He wants to do whatever he wants, when he wants, how he wants and not be accountable to anyone. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You shouldn't have to fight for your happiness.

Do you have a good support system in place? Friends? Family? I'm praying for you, Pint, and I'm here for you. Hang in there, Sweetie.
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:19 PM   #9
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*hugs*

Hang in there. I agree completely with shellsbrood - you deserve so much better. He is not acting like an adult man at all.
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Old 11-23-2010, 06:57 PM   #10
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A mutual friend of ours has taken hubby aside. He's dealt with depression and alcohol issues, as well as similar circumstances in his own marriage. I'm skeptical because my husband has been sitting around the house all day today drunk. He didn't even go to our son's first screening at the psychiatrist. My husband is ok with getting separated, at least from what he says. Then again, he's been drinking today again, so who knows.

They're making me fill out a questionnaire about my son to see if he has ADHD or Asperger's. His teacher has to fill one out too. I'm relieved that they aren't medication pushers. The clinic actually offers holistic stress and anxiety relief right there. I might just take advantage of that. It's basically a specialized accupressure massage, 60 minutes for $60.

Thanks for the OneSource info. I'll definitely be calling them for my own anxiety issues, and hopefully hubby will get some help too. He told me
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One Jivin' Bunny for every 5lbs lost:

Starting weight: 160lbs
First Goal: 150lbs

Second Goal: 140lbs
Third and Maybe FINAL GOAL: 130lbs

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Old 11-23-2010, 09:37 PM   #11
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He says he's finished. He wants a divorce. He said he'd rather cut me a check twice a month than be married to me. I'm trying not to take it personally, and I'm trying not to blame myself. It's hard.
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First Goal: 150lbs

Second Goal: 140lbs
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:20 PM   #12
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It's tough. Some things are not always meant to be, no matter how bad we think we want them.

The following may sound a bit unfeeling, but it's well meant.

If divorce is what it's going to be, get some paper and a pen and start making lists, and get organized to take care of yourself and the kids.

Get a lawyer ASAP! Don't mess around waffling back and forth and prolonging the misery.

I have a sis who has been divorced twice, and raised 3 great kids on her own. She now has a college education a great job, 2 granddaughters, and a dog, the love of her life. and is happier than ever!

Good luck!
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:36 PM   #13
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better days are ahead, hang in there
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:40 PM   #14
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i'm with shcirerf. he's put you through a lot. protect yourself and your kiddos, and let the chips fall where they may. i'm sure you love him very much, but this might be the kick in the a** that he needs to fix his life for real. you're in my thoughts sweetie.
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Old 11-23-2010, 11:20 PM   #15
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Pint--What a horrible thing to say!!! Ugh, I just want to slap him!! I read your post to my dh and he had some very unpolite things to say about your husband.

I'm so, so sorry, Pint. Hang in there. You are strong and you will get through this.
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