I don't know what to feel. I told him if he didn't stop drinking that we would separate, but to have him actually make that leap just tears me apart. I did nag him about things I didn't like, but they were generally things that we both decided weren't supposed to be going on (like drinking).
He keeps saying he's doing me a favor. That he's a failure and he can't look me in the face knowing he will never have a successful relationship with me. He canceled his plans with his sister because he didn't want to be around me. I stood by him no matter what. I loved him even when he hurt me. He said horrible things to me. Physically hurt me. Totally ravaged me and I forgave him when he asked it.
Now he's just done with me. He says HE is the one who can't live with ME. Am i really that awful? Is this really because i didn't want him drinking, or because I couldn't keep house without help or because I wanted college and a career someday? I feel AWFUL. I'm just torn up. I wish he would just leave and get it over with.
If he's saying HE is a failure - then this doesn't have any more to do with YOU and YOUR supposed problems, as it OBVIOUSLY does about HIS OWN issues with HIMSELF.
This is absolutely NOT a YOU issue. But this absolutely is an individual issue, a couple issue, and a family issue. Get immediate counseling to deal with your stress, and your anxiety. See if you can get him to go - if he can't, that's on him. I'd also REALLY recommend getting your children in to counseling as well. Children are so, so smart, and anxiety issues can run sky high in ADHD/Asperger children - get a third party person THEY can talk to about what they observe while you and your hubs make decisions about your future.
I don't think divorce is the only option for you, but I do think that you're an amazing person, with an amazing family, and that your collective and individual health needs to be the TOP priority.
This is a BAD recipe dear. It sounds like you have been in a very abusive (on many levels) relationship. YOU are worth so much more than this. If he has reached this level, chances are you will never be able to have a stable loving relationship in the future. His not wanting you to work is all about control. Whomever controls the money, controls the realtionship. Is there a woman's shelter near you? Family you could stay with perhaps? This sounds very dangerous to me. Please take some offensive actions here before you need to take defensive ones. I am not sure about your state, but here in Texas, this is a community property state, each gets 50-50 right down the middle. Please be safe.
I think a lot of the things he's saying to me, he's actually saying to himself, if that makes any sense.
He says I never wanted to be a mother, but he's always telling me he just can't handle the kids. That they're too loud, too "into things" and he just can't take them.
He says I'm a bad wife, but he has also said I'm a great wife and his best friend. He has also said he's a ****ty husband. :/
He said I'm crazy, and I think he's just worried that he is.
Either way, I don't deserve this. It's hard, and I know I'm spending the first of many nights crying over this, but it'll get better. I'm hoping to move back home eventually, but for now I'm hoping to keep my son in his current school. I'll flip burgers or empty garbage if I have to.
I'm calling the military onesource tomorrow to see about counseling for myself and the kids.
edit: I have friends AND family to stay with if needed. I've contacted a trusted friend and a family member about the situation and they've offered help/a place to stay if needed.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 11-24-2010 at 12:37 AM.
Ok I feel "a little" better knowing you do have somelpace to go
I have been in a situation very similar to yours , so I am concerned out of experience. Keep us updated
You and your family deserve to be happy, healthy and safe. I hope whatever needs to happen will be done. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
If you do decide to split up, make sure you stay strong if he comes crawling back begging.
I'm still awake at 2am. He woke up, locked up his truck then came in and asked what I was doing (listening to music). He came over and rubbed his hand on my shoulder and said he was going back to bed. WTF is he thinking?
Oh well. I'm going to bed in MY bed (he's sleeping in a spare). I have a lot to do tomorrow.
Oh man, you really deserve one of those: . I've been thinking about you last night and I'm glad to hear you are putting yourself first. Please do what is best for YOU and your children. From everything you wrote, your husband isn't that.
This is going to be a difficult time, no reason to lie about that. He'll beg you to come back. He'll tell you that he's gotten better. He may even seem like he's got things under control. Or he may not do any of those things and act like he's glad to have gotten rid of you (which I'm sure he won't be). Whatever he throws at you, don't stop being honest with yourself. Don't stop thinking about your needs or what's best for you children.
Most importantly, get help. You don't have to do this alone. It's great to hear that you have family and friends to support you, but professional counseling is invaluable - both for you and your kids.
I have been wondering about you all day. I hope all is well :/ I am very concerned about you and your kids. I hope you post soon and let us all know you are ok
I spent Thanksgiving at my SIL and BIL's house with the kiddos. Hubby opted not to come, saying he'd rather not be around me.
I finally told my FIL and MIL what was going on. They're going to go to the unemployment office for me Monday and see what's available in a town I've chosen near my hometown. They said rentals are cheap right now, so that's a relief.
My husband said he doesn't want a separation now. He wants counseling. I would rather separate. When I said that he said I'm being hasty and that comments like that is why HE wants to leave ME. *shrug* I told him he can leave if he wants. It hurts and a very large part of me doesn't want to end things, but I know I can't live my life based on whether or not he's going to be in a bad mood or good. I'm tired of having to pick up his pieces and keep him happy out of fear of one of his "moods." I'm trying to listen to my head instead of my emotions right now. I'm going to seek counseling very soon. The guilt and stress is depressing me and I'm having physical signs that my body is too stressed out. Every time I eat, I end up in the bathroom in an hour.
I've chosen a place with good schools and affordable daycare (my MIL used to work at the one I'm checking in to) and it's a 10 - 20 minute drive to my family and his. It's a small town that I've always liked since I was a kid.
I'm staying at this house through the holidays and plan on moving in January once I've had time to tie up some loose ends here. Hopefully the New Year will bring new, better beginnings.
I think a separation right now is a better option, give you both some time to decompress.
Sounds like your body is talking to you! Listen.
This is almost the exact same mess my sister had with her second husband. Once she left things got much, much better. She was so stressed out she couldn't even think straight.
I'm SO GLAD that you & kiddos are ok
I think you are making the right decision. You can still get marriage couseling and the like, and perhaps you two can still work things out, but I think your being SAFE is the most important thing here. He seems to be showing a lot of the classic signs of an abuser and I was very worried for you & your kids. I do hope that you will find some true happiness and listening to your head instead of your heart in this type of situation is the best. I am happy that you have some family support here too, because so many women in your situation become alienated from friends and family. I am breathing a sigh of relief for you
Last edited by islandchick1; 11-27-2010 at 11:50 AM.
