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So there's this guy...

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Old 11-10-2010, 09:21 AM   #1
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Exclamation So there's this guy...

I used to go to school with. He was an ok guy, not really my type (not for physical reasons, mostly we didn't have much in common, and to be totally honest I'm just not looking for a relationship these days). He asked me out while we were still in school, and I declined, and told him I just wasn't interested in dating.

He immidiately started in with, "it's because i'm fat, isn't it? what is it with girls? no girls like fat guys, they're all shallow *****es,etc etc" which is sad, because I know how those thoughts feel, but he's STILL carrying on about it 2 years later. And it's gotten to the point where it's doesn't really make me feel bad for him anymore- it's just annoying and childish. (plus I was at my heaviest weight at that time! So idk wtf he was even going on about.)

I've talked with him several times and told him I'm just not looking for a relationship. I want to focus on other things for now. He insists that all the girls hate him because he's heavy. I suggested that maybe they dislike him because of the way he carries on when something doesn't go his way. So now not only am I the enemy, I'm a fat hater, apparently, and "very shallow."

I just don't know what else to say to this guy, so I've just stopped talking to him. It's not like I'm peeking over the fence at Johnny Six Pack three seconds after telling him I'm not interested- I don't know what to do. I don't think he's the stalking type, but he is genuinely creepy which is one of the things that turned me off about him.

But if he approaches me again (it's happened both IRL and online), what the **** do I say? I don't want to keep going around in circles with this guy, and potentially put myself in danger. (I DOUBT he's dangerous, but you never really know. He's a lot bigger than me, height and weight wise, and could really hurt me if he wanted to)
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:41 AM   #2
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OK, first of all, you need to make sure your family knows about his behaviour. If he is making you afraid of him, then his behaviour has to stop, even if he doesn't mean to be intimidating.

Do you have any friends in common who could have a word with him?
Sorry, I know he must feel rotten if he really thinks nobody loves him because of his weight, we nearly all of us know how that feels; but his insecurities can't be allowed to make you uncomfortable.

Hm, I'm not being much help, I'm sure others will have better advice but definitely - make sure someone else knows about how intimidating his behaviour to you is.
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:46 AM   #3
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I feel bad for saying this, but he just doesn't seem... right. In the head. I don't want to sit here and slap labels on him that might offend over people, but something about him just doesn't seem normal. He's a nice guy, he's funny (awkwardly so), and he's really into like, anime and cartoons and anime conventions... it's just weird to me. Holding a conversation with him is usually strained and extremely awkward. (if it changes anything, he and I were both in special ed. But that doesn't neccessarily mean something is wrong with him- I mean I'm pretty normal lol)

I've mentioned it in passing to my family and they just sort of laughed it off, I was like 18 at the time and he was .. 16 or 17, I forget. I know he's younger than me though. And I have ONE friend that still might talk to him, I don't really talk to any of my old friends from school.
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:48 AM   #4
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i would go ahead and use the "block" feature online... whether it's email, FB, etc... he doesn't sound like someone i'd want hanging around all my posts and info, or cluttering up my inbox! as for the real world, if you usually run into him at certain places, make sure you're never alone at said places. if you're alone, pretend you have a cell call or something! lol you won't be overdoing it when it comes to how YOU feel about YOUR safety!
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:34 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yhahmd View Post
I feel bad for saying this, but he just doesn't seem... right. In the head. I don't want to sit here and slap labels on him that might offend over people, but something about him just doesn't seem normal. He's a nice guy, he's funny (awkwardly so), and he's really into like, anime and cartoons and anime conventions... it's just weird to me. Holding a conversation with him is usually strained and extremely awkward. (if it changes anything, he and I were both in special ed. But that doesn't neccessarily mean something is wrong with him- I mean I'm pretty normal lol)
I don't mean to stereotype here, since lots of people who like anime are perfectly normal, but I have known the type of guy you're talking about. Mine was also heavily into online gaming, in addition to anime. He was interested in me, I was not interested in him, and that got turned into something that was my fault. There was something wrong with me because I wasn't interested in him. He was persistent, wanted to be "friends," yet was bitter, resentful, and very insulting to any guy he thought I was interested in. He was probably one of the most self centered people I have ever met, but not in a positive way (he didn't look at himself in a positive light, like many self centered people). Everyone was out to get him, all the time. If something went wrong, if he didn't get a job he applied for, for example, it was because the person who received his application had something personal against him, not because he wasn't qualified for the job. But at the same time he had a superiority complex about other people, he thought his intellect was far beyond anything they could even understand. It seems heavily rooted in being socially maladjusted, but I'd never met anyone who was so willing to shift blame from himself to others for his own failings, and completely believe he was right. I thought of him as an emotional leech. Dealing with him was very emotionally exhausting and draining.

I don't know if the guy you're talking about it quite as far down that path as mine was, but I would be careful, and I wouldn't continue to have any kind of relationship with him, friendship included. The guy I'm talking about held grudges for a VERY long time, and it sounds like yours does as well, if he's still talking about being rejected 2 years later. The one I knew also had a lot of violent thoughts, and anger issues. He never acted on them, but he had no problem saying (and meaning) that someone who he perceived had wronged him should die in some horrible fashion.

As I said, I don't know if you're in the kind of situation, but I see all kinds of red flags that are very similar to the guy I knew - and I wish I had cut off contact with mine long before I actually did. If you decide to do that, I would take the already offered advice, and let someone else know of his behavior, as well.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:36 AM   #6
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I was friends with a guy that sounds a lot like this guy. He wanted to date me, but I just wasn't ready, etc. We had a great time together most of the time, though there was always the element of drama. Eventually, he ended up totally flipping out and screaming at me about how bad I treated him all along and the some other completely ridiculous things. I told him that if he didn't like the way someone treated him, walk away, because you can't change other people. Anyway, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him I was going to take my own advice and haven't spoken to him since.

Be sure that you keep yourself in safe situations where this guy is concerned. He sounds like he has a lot of emotional baggage that has nothing to do with you or even women in general. If your radar is going off, listen to it. It sounds like you have great instincts. Nobody's all bad or all good, but if it makes you uncomfortable, life is too short for that.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:44 AM   #7
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If you're not at school with him any more, how come do you still see him?
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:18 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robsia View Post
If you're not at school with him any more, how come do you still see him?
He lives around me (not down the street or that close, but a few streets over) and I often see him riding his bike or driving around, or at the store, etc. I generally ignore him and try to get out of sight as fast as possible, but it doesn't always work. And he does have my AIM and FB, I added him when we were back in school, so I could actually block him but I'm afraid he might confront me about it IRL if I do.

So it's not like we're "hanging out", we just happen to run into each other.
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:20 AM   #9
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@ Katheryne Right, exactly, I don't want to try to label or stereotype him but he sounds really similar to the guy you dealt with. That really makes me think about it, and I'm going to try to cut all ties with him. I just don't have the time to deal with this crap- and whenever we happen to run into each other I get so stressed, and I can't afford that now that I'm so close to GW.
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Old 11-10-2010, 11:21 AM   #10
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I've been involved with a man like Katheryne described and if your guy sounds like him I would advise you to stay away. No sense talk will work, best thing to do is no contact and no further explanations. He might pester you for a while, but soon enough he'll find someone else to bother and you'll be glad he's out of your life. I tried ending contact with this type of guy and he ended up stalking me and it took years for him to stop being aggressive towards me and now I wish I'd never responded to his taunts.
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Old 11-10-2010, 03:46 PM   #11
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Sounds like a classic case of "nice guy syndrome"--that ugly emotional blackmail that a few guys, usually ones who woefully describe themselves as "nice guys," perpetrate in order to win dates through passive aggression. "I would move mountains for you, I love you so much, you're so beautiful...wait, what? You won't go out with me? Well fine, you're a miserable shallow cow anyway!"

Anyone who's only nice when he sees potential gain for himself is not nice at all. In fact, people who pull that kind of stunt need to be excised from your life like the harmful growths they are. No amount of being affable or quirky or funny can cover up the bedrock-level viciousness that exists in that kind of "nice guy."

(And I don't mean to be sexist here; there are certainly "nice gals" who have that poisonous combination of an insidious passive aggression and thinly veiled misogyny/misandry, too.)

You are a saint to have put up with it for as long as you have without finally breaking and replying, "Yep, you're absolutely right--I'm shallow, you're hideous, and I find you about as romantically appealing as a slug. Now why don't you just wander off before I pour some salt on you?" I'm not naturally cruel, but passive-aggressive people make me want to be just plain aggressive. Grr!
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:25 PM   #12
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Say to him "Look, I don't want to go out with you because you're a prat. Even if you lose weight you'll still be a prat and I still won't want to go out with you - now piss off and leave me alone!"
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:18 PM   #13
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Cut him out of your life. You don't need psychos mucking up your existence and stressing you out. If he threatens self-harm, stay strong and say "Too bad." It never feels good ending a relationship of any kind on a sour/hostile note but it beats dealing with it constantly. Block him online and ignore him. He'll find some insecure woman with emotional problems who will be perfect for him.
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:37 AM   #14
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All excellent advice! Cut him out of your life and don't back down. This guy is bad news and nothing good can come leaving any sort of contact open to him. Hopefully his attention to you will fade.

I know it seems like your family & friends might think it's funny & cute, but don't let that from stopping you from sharing your fears with them. Those close to you need to know what's going on.

Good Luck Yha!
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:04 PM   #15
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I'm gonna say cut him off as well. Once I had a friend that stressed me out and one of my confidants asked me a simple question...what is your peace/sanity worth? At that moment I knew to cut the relationship off completely. Block him online and if he comes around and is calling you shallow and whatever, just say if that's what you think then why do you bother with me. Just make sure you talk to your family and friends about it so they know. If you think he's creepy...he probably is and more so than you know.

Be safe!
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