So...I'm going to try to make sense while writing this. Let me know if it just isn't clear. A little background: Husband and I got married last year (Oct). He was working third shift, which would mean he would be awake when I got home from work between 4 and 5, we'd hang out and get stuff done until I went to bed around 10, and he would have to be at work at 11. He'd get off work at 7am and I'd see him for about half hour before I left for work. Then he'd go to bed, so we could spend time together when I got home. It worked well, even though we weren't on the same work schedule. Around January, he switched to 2nd shift which had him at work from 3pm to 11pm. I can't stay up that late or I'm completely worthless the next day. So there was a very long period of just not seeing him at all, because he would keep his same sleep schedule on his days off and sleep until 230pm and stay up until 6 in the morning. He would often get mad at me and tell me that I wasn't compromising in the schedule because I wouldn't stay up until he got home at 1130pm to spend time with him.
He also, for some reason, started being incredibly unhealthy. He started smoking when I had never see him smoke before. He would sit down and eat 3-5 cheeseburgers in a sitting or an entire pizza by himself, And he stopped working out. Not surprisingly, he gained about 50 pounds. The cosmetic side was only a small issue for me compared to the fact that his family has a loooong history of heart disease and just in February he had a 38 year old uncle die instantly, while driving on the interstate, of a 100% blockage of his arteries. But I tried to say something about it once, and he flew into a rage, saying that I was calling him fat and hideous and and that I should love him for who he is and not try to change him. And when he gets angry, about anything, he will purposely try to pick on the things that I'm insecure about to try to hurt me.
Recently it's gotten much worse. He's saying he's depressed and hates his life. I told him I thought it sounded like he needed to see someone about that, and he told me I wasn't doing what I needed to as a wife because he shouldn't have to see someone, I should be able to take care of him so that he doesn't feel that way. I currently work for the state in child protection. When my employer recently announced that they were privatizing our system and they told us to start looking for other jobs he got mad at me and told me it's my fault that we might be in financial trouble. Then something interesting happened. I met with a state senator, the attorney general, and the county attorney. They said they loved what I had been doing in my position and thought I would be a great lawyer. They offered me a receptionist/assistant job for temporary income and to put me through law school if I would come work for the juvenile and child welfare courts. When I told him about it, he got mad and told me he didn't think I would be good at it and that I was being stupid for giving up on teaching (which is what I went to school for). I mean, the state attorney general and the county attorney told me they thought I would be a good lawyer and offered to put me through law school out of their own pockets if I came to work with them, and he told me I was being stupid for thinking about changing career paths. I tried to explain to him that I would still be working with kids, it would just be in a legal sense. But he didn't want to listen.
I have a whole list of texts in my phone of him calling me a "f***ing c**t" and "stupid b***h", among other things. I know I'm not always the easiest person to put up with, but I really feel like this is out of hand. I want to help him, because I feel like he's spiraling out of control, but I feel like that would be putting myself in emotional danger.
I'm also having serious feelings of failure. I feel like I've failed at marriage and I have no idea how to talk to my family about it, and I feel like they will look down on me if I say I want a divorce. I feel like I have let everyone down. I just don't know what to do. Any advice? I have a lot of friends telling me to just get a divorce and be thankful we don't have kids. I don't know...the feeling of failure is one that is consuming me lately.
You have been offered an incredible once in a lifetime opportunity,congratulations on that.I wouldn't pass it up,if you are interested.The marriage part is tougher,I highly recommend that you get into couples counseling.That will give you a clearer idea of if your marriage in repairable.Whatever you do don't stay in a bad marriage because you don't want to fail.I wasted 16 years of my life doing that. Good luck!
Thank you fitbyforty. We did the marriage counseling with two different counselors. The first one I didn't like because I felt like he didn't really give us any advice or help, and the second one just wanted us to talk the whole session, which is what we do at home. We were looking for someone who could give us something constructive, something solid that we could work on but neither of them did.
do NOT give up your once in a lifetime opportunity. for ANYONE. Been there done that and regret it ever since, my marriage ended anyway if that helps make your decision.
The marriage part, is tougher. It sounds like he is not really very supportive at all. And personally (this is just me) the minute anyone calls me those names, I am done. However, having been divorced, I totally get the feelings of failure, and in a way it is a failure, but if you have honestly looked at yourself and taken serious stock of everything, and if you can say that you have done everything you can, and that you have accepted responsibility for your own part in the marriage issues...then maybe it is time to think that this opportunity with school is where you are supposed to be. If the husband can work through his issues and be there, great, if not that is fine too.
It sounds like he is just feeling insecure. There are probably issues going on that he has not talked to you about. That however does NOT give him the ok to abuse you. And that is exactly what he is doing, abusing you.
First off, congratulations on that law school opportunity! I would ABSOLUTELY take advantage of that if that is a field you're interested in!! How often does someone offer you a job after you've been told to look for another AND offer to put you through law school?? NEVER. It's a once in a lifetime thing, I wouldn't turn down for ANYONE.
Second, the marriage. That's tough. I see you've married for a year...I honestly think the first year is the hardest. My husband and I fought a lot our first year, there is a lot of adjustment and everything going on. There has to be SOMETHING that has caused him to change the way he's acting and lashing out at you! Counseling may help find out what that "something" is. And also, how he needs to deal with it and how you can cope with how he's feeling. Counseling surely isn't magic, you have to find one you're both comfortable with. The biggest thing I think my husband I learned in our short stint in counseling during our first year is good communication. It's key! You both have to be able to communicate to each other your feelings/thoughts on things.
Is it possible that he is jealous? That you've gotten this job and someone offering to pay for your schooling. Maybe the fact that he's gained weight and already feeling down, now you've got this awesome opportunity (which I wouldn't pass up, I'll say it again! ) and now he's even more depressed and lashing out at you??
You certainly don't deserve to be called the things he's been calling you or to be treated the way you have been treated!!! I would talk to him about it and ask what he wants. Does he want to try and work things out? Divorce? Is he willing to try counseling one more time? I would tell him that you feel like your relationship with him needs help and ask what he thinks a good remedy would be! If he's not willing to work things out, then I suppose the D word might be in the cards.
Don't worry too much about what family thinks!! And you certainly aren't a failure! Marriage is hard and it sounds like you're really trying and that's NOT failure!
Best of luck to you!
Last edited by LindseyLou; 10-30-2010 at 02:18 PM.
I don't plan on giving up on this opportunity. I've already decided in my mind that it's what I want to do. It's just so hard when he doesn't even care about what will make me happy. I've been struggling with this for awhile, and I just don't know what to do from here. It's very scary. One of my best friends told me if the only thing that's holding me back from leaving him is the fear of being seen as a failure, then I need to leave him. And that's pretty much all that's there. An immense and overwhelming feeling that I have failed. And I'm not sure how to get over that.
to tell yourself that you've failed doesn't give him much responsibility in this situation, for his own life and for your life together. sounds like he's wanting to take a nose dive and to take you down as part of the collateral damage.
does he have relatives and/or friends or people in the community that can try to reach him? his anger, frustration and depression I think may be making him so self focused it's part of the destructive cycle.
if you still want to stay together because you love him and would like to turn the partnership around, maybe building a constructive, action oriented plan that you both commit and contribute to could be one idea. list individual goals and goals you'd have as a couple, and things you both could do to contribute to them. the depression and anger is going to be an issue you have to deal first, imho, before you can go to the next step.
good luck, and major congrats on that offer, that's wonderful!!
First of all, i’m SO glad you have plans to follow through on that crazy incredible opportunity! THEY WANT TO PAY YOUR WAY THROUGH LAW SCHOOL?!?! congrats and BEST OF LUCK!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathrynk
And when he gets angry, about anything, he will purposely try to pick on the things that I'm insecure about to try to hurt me...
I have a whole list of texts in my phone of him calling me a "f***ing c**t" and "stupid b***h", among other things. I know I'm not always the easiest person to put up with, but I really feel like this is out of hand.
Secondly, i’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through!! Unfortunately, I don’t think this is simply a first year of marriage rough patch. Your husband is mistreating you. In fact, he’s being emotionally abusive toward you.
These websites have some good info on emotional abuse. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I dealt with a similar situation with both my mother and an old boyfriend. I can’t imagine dealing with my husband being this way. The good news is that you recognize it as wrong and hurtful. Now it’s time to decide if you have the strength to do something about it. I think the self esteem boost you will experience while going to law school will help make you stronger and more self sufficient. please feel free to pm me for specifics
I was married for 18 years to a man that sounds very much like your husband. Getting out at 40 and learning how to respect myself and live a life I deserve has been a huge challenge. You need to grab this opportunity now. If your marriage fails then it does. It doesn't mean you are a failure. You deserve respect, understanding, support, love, trust, and a man who will walk through fire for you and your dreams. Good luck!
it is not your fault he is depressed. it is not your fault he is acting out or calling you names. no matter how "difficult you are to live with" - there is no excuse for his behavior. I'd say something else is going on with him that you don't know about yet.
and i also thing that you should take that opportunity, do counseling on your own, and make a decision that is right for you. it's not a failure when only one person is working toward the relationship, it's cutting your losses and giving yourself a chance to succeed in another area.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice and encouragement. Last night he did not come home from work because he said he didn't want to be around me, and when I asked him to come home he told me that he was done with me and he wouldn't be around anymore. He has thrown around the "I want a divorce" during fights a lot. So today I sat him down and told him how I was feeling and how if he really wants a divorce I'm not going to fight him about it. I explained to him that it's really hard for me to care about someone who treats me the way that he does when he's angry. He got upset with me, and crying, told me that I was giving up on us and that he wanted to work things out. I think that the fact that I was completely non-emotional really bothered him. He asked what he would need to change for me to want to stay. But we've been down that road many times before. He says he'll change, and things will get better for a little while, and then they'll just go back to how they were. I'm at the point of wondering how many chances a person gets before it's just pointless to even try again. He has expressed that he isn't happy. I just don't know... it's really easy to stand my ground and be strong in my decision when he's yelling and leaving and calling me names. But now I'm wondering if this is the time that he'll actually make the right changes. Uuuugh. I feel so lost and confused and trapped right now.
Yesterday 08:46 PM
kathrynk Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice and encouragement. Last night he did not come home from work because he said he didn't want to be around me, and when I asked him to come home he told me that he was done with me and he wouldn't be around anymore. He has thrown around the "I want a divorce" during fights a lot. So today I sat him down and told him how I was feeling and how if he really wants a divorce I'm not going to fight him about it. I explained to him that it's really hard for me to care about someone who treats me the way that he does when he's angry. He got upset with me, and crying, told me that I was giving up on us and that he wanted to work things out. I think that the fact that I was completely non-emotional really bothered him. He asked what he would need to change for me to want to stay. But we've been down that road many times before. He says he'll change, and things will get better for a little while, and then they'll just go back to how they were. I'm at the point of wondering how many chances a person gets before it's just pointless to even try again. He has expressed that he isn't happy. I just don't know... it's really easy to stand my ground and be strong in my decision when he's yelling and leaving and calling me names. But now I'm wondering if this is the time that he'll actually make the right changes. Uuuugh. I feel so lost and confused and trapped right now
it's become a cycle of abuse.....it's up to you to change it!
wow, he's being extremely manipulative. of course it only matters what you think, but you deserve better than that. if he really wants to make it work, one option could be to separate and let him show you he's an adult who is going to respect you as a partner, THEN, whenever it's all well tested, you can get back together if that's what seems like the best decision when the time comes.
it really seems to me from what I've read in your posts that he knows how to pull your emotional strings.
I have a whole list of texts in my phone of him calling me a "f***ing c**t" and "stupid b***h", among other things.
Completely unacceptable behavior on his part. Take the opportunity, kick him to the curb, and find someone who doesn't intentionally try to devalue you. It's not worth the heartached.
Divorce...need advice (long)
) and now he's even more depressed and lashing out at you??
