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-   -   I can't get over this, and I don't know why (https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/general-chatter/216061-i-cant-get-over-i-dont-know-why.html)

kaplods 10-29-2010 10:49 AM

I can't get over this, and I don't know why
Maura Kelly's blog article Should "Fatties" Get a Room? (Even on TV?) on the Marie Claire magazine's website in which she says:

...I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

it's tearing me up, and I don't really know why or how to stop it. I think I've read almost every one of the 2549 comments on the article (as well as the articles and comments on the "counterpoint" blog posts - and their comments too).

Even though most of the comments were critical of Maura Kelly (and many dowright hostile - more hostile than I personally feel), the comments agreeing with her are the ones sticking with me - reminding me that there are a lot of people like her, hating me and finding me disgusting just for existing.

I feel like I've been hit in the face with a shovel. It's taken me years to convince myself that I do have an unconditional right to exist (not only so long as I'm trying and succeeding at being slimmer), and that I was safe to swim, bicycle, walk and even just be in public, because no one was thinking all of the horrible things I imagined they were.

Then Maury Kelly proved me wrong - some people really are thinking those things. Some people are disgusted with simply at the sight of me walking across a room.

On one hand I feel "she's an idiot, and why do I care what she thinks," and on the other, I'm sitting here balling (and I usually don't cry), and it's not the first time since I read the article.

I was really excited about going to a Halloween party tomorrow night (decided on a Wagnerian Valkyrie costume, that I thought was pretty nifty), and now I'm afraid to go. It doesn't sound fun anymore.

This isn't me. At least it's not 44 year old me. This is 12 year old me.

Why do I care what Maura Kelly thinks of me? Why am I now afraid of all the Maura Kellys in the world, when I've spent so many years unafraid?

Before I read the Maura Kelly blog post, I can't remember the last time I felt like I didn't deserve to exist. Since reading it, those feelings have been washing over me over and over and over again.

I think I'd rather be hit by a bus than feel this way.

I know I'll get over this, because I am intelligent and emotionally strong, but I feel like I've been kicked in the face, over and over and over again.

I don't feel intelligent and strong, I feel sad and tired and I feel fatter than I've ever felt. Twice as fat as I ever was. It's been a really long time since I hated being me. I didn't think I could ever feel that way again.

katy trail 10-29-2010 11:04 AM

i don't know what to say really. i was feeling almost the same way see, my light bulb moment post in the 20's section. i know intellectually that it shouldn't make me upset, but it did anyway. i was depressed and didn't exercise all week.

i guess all i can do is remind you how great you really are. those people, they don't get us. they don't give us a chance to show we are real people. they don't care and they don't want to. i believe one of the posts said she is anarexic, so definitely she has so much more in common with many people that struggle with weight than she realizes. she sees a cow in the mirror even when it's a skeleton or a healthy weight.

i think the only way to better yourself is remind yourself how rare that mentality surely must be. and PROVE HER WRONG. say forget you! i don't care what you think or say. i have a right to be healthy, happy, and exist. being healthy, loving yourself, eating healthy, exercising regularly, you will be happier and healthier than she likely could EVER be living on diet coke and laxatives. 'skinny' people have the same issues as other people of all sizes whether(sp?) they realize it or not. I used to be a healthy skinny person in high school. i wasn't a really skinny person, but i looked good. i still wasn't happy most of the time. have you read skinnie emmie's blog? if you haven't read her post, i think it's called they don't see me, or they don't know me. and many others are really good too.

ThicknPretty 10-29-2010 11:07 AM

You are such an intelligent, thoughtful, wise and wonderful person...it actually makes ME sad to read this post, to know that such an insensitive, ignorant woman made one of my weight loss heroes feel like so much crap.

But I know how you feel. And I know what you mean. It's sad that after all of our effects to move towards body acceptance, sensitivity and education...sometimes all it takes is one mean spirited, spiteful person to make us feel so broken down.

Please...chin up. You go to that Halloween party and have fun. I do not truly believe that everyone thinks like this...this woman is obviously very negative and unhappy and possibly has some mental and emotional issues that need swift dealing with.

I refuse to believe that the whole world looks at us like this.

katy trail 10-29-2010 11:11 AM

and i've only been on these forums 1 month, but i loved reading every post i read of yours. and i really value your insight and think of you and many other 3fc's as a friend, even though i haven't talked to you personally. this is a great time to watch a clip of V for Vendetta, or the whole movie. the clip where someone is reading a letter. scarlet carsons ring any bells? i don't know you, will never see you, hug you....but i love you. i love that one. it makes me cry.

and a quote you have likely heard about. Akeela in Akeela and the Bee movie, read the quote about who am i to feel beautiful....i can't remember the rest, but i can't remember. i'll look it up.

NiteNicole 10-29-2010 11:13 AM

I have been following this, mostly via Jen Lancaster on facebook. Have you read her books? She's a big girl and has the BEST attitude about, "whatever, I have totally just as much right to be here on this beach as you do and I have it going ON" I have ever read. I LOVE her. Even some of the things I don't like, I can overlook because she's got such a great attitude about being a big girl. Even the book she wrote about "dieting" was so grounded positive. She is an excellent counter point to all this madness. Look her up!

Her blog is http://www.jennsylvania.com/ I disagree with her on a lot of issues, but on this she is a great role model for women who might want to lose weight but also want to love who they are right now.

Your costume sounds AWESOME. Go and have a good time. If you let jerks like Maura Kelly change how you think and live, they win.

NiteNicole 10-29-2010 11:18 AM


Originally Posted by katy trail (Post 3543765)

and a quote you have likely heard about. Akeela in Akeela and the Bee movie, read the quote about who am i to feel beautiful....i can't remember the rest, but i can't remember. i'll look it up.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The quote is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, but as I understand it, that's an urban legend. I don't know who actually said it or where it came from, but the bold is something to think about.

Found it. Someone called Marianne Williamson. A little googling shows me she also wrote a weight loss book.

saef 10-29-2010 11:24 AM

Kaplods, darling, I wish I could hug you tight. I hate reading that someone as intelligent & self-aware & empathic & giving as yourself has been sent into a tailspin by this writer's vitriol. I hate hearing that you don't like yourself & feel hated by others & even questioning whether you "deserve to exist."

My God. I thought we went through all this & came out the other side decades ago ... that because one's skin is a certain color, or one loves one's own sex, or one is female or male or something in between, or one's religion involves bowing toward Mecca ... one STILL HAS THE BASIC RIGHT TO EXIST. Others can't simply erase or edit us out of their happy little picture of life as they think it ought to be.

But I know reasoning & facts are a cold comfort at times like this. You've been wounded in battle. You need to recuperate. Be good to yourself. Wrap yourself up in a blanket. Drink some hot tea. Seek out some cuddling from your husband. Read something inspiring. In particular, read something by an African-American woman, if you can, because the experience is **somewhat** analogous. There were Black women who looked in the mirror once & realized others in the culture thought they, too, were ugly & out to be kept out of sight & had no reason to exist. And they suffered tremendous mental & psychological pain because of this. Some incredibly moving writing came out of this. It may help you to re-read some of it, to see how others coped with feelings of self-hatred & of realizing some in the culture wished to see them utterly erased.

Shannon in ATL 10-29-2010 11:25 AM

Some things take the adult right out of us and put us back into all of the insecurities of our youth. They just grab right on to the emotions, and leave rational behind. This blog is one of those things. It has made me angry reading it, too.

And your post also made me cry with you.

You are fantastic, and have taken so many great steps in your life. That this can take that away is tragic. Don't let her, or her supporters, do that to you. She doesn't deserve that kind of victory.

Your costume sounds fantastic. Go to your party and have fun. Take back your strength. You have it, this blog is just making you forget it.


saef 10-29-2010 11:28 AM

And yeah, you damn well better go to that Halloween party. Think of it as marching for our civil rights. Only it's Halloween, so you get to look like a saucy wench & show some awe-inspiring cleavage.

Is there a horned helmet involved? (Pictures, please?)

lazylioness 10-29-2010 11:30 AM

I am sorry you have had such a horrible experience, and not just with this article.

A few things, do not let one person take away what you have worked SO hard to achieve. Do not let an insecure woman with her own body issues define you. She and people like her are in the minority (or so I like to think)

katy trail 10-29-2010 11:35 AM

i fully agree with all the responses! and thanks for posting the quote i was about to post it too, although mine is a shorter version. here's the end of 'Valerie's letter' easily found on u tube if you want to watch the rest of the clip.

"Even though I do not know you, may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I LOVE YOU. with all my heart. I love you. Valerie from V for Vendetta.

gardenerjoy 10-29-2010 11:42 AM

People used to think that women who healed with herbs were witches. Have you read some of the material about moral panic and obesity that's been coming out the last year or two? Basically, it says that our current culture puts fat people in the role of witches right now. It's wrong and it will change over time, just like we don't hang witches anymore.

Plus, I agree with ThicknPretty and others. Kaplods, you're one of my heros and gurus and I quote you to other people often. If I knew you in real life, I would be headed over to your house to give you a big hug right now! And help you put on that Halloween costume -- it sounds fantastic!

deelee10 10-29-2010 11:46 AM

Haven't seen article or heard of the writer but from what I've read on these posts - she sounds like a bigot. And bigotry towards the over weight is, unfortunately, still tolerated in society. If she said the same thing in a racial, religious, or sexual orientation context there would be lots of outrage exhibited. I think the gay/lesbian community is a good example of the latest minority that is getting their message out that they are human beings that deserve rights. There are, unfortunately, many types of bigots out there. I agree that what is even more hurtful is not the original hostility but the comments that actually support these hurtful people. Society has to become intolerant of this. Encountering hostility of any kind can suck the life out of you - almost happened to me this week when someone misinterpreted something I was trying to communicate or didn't get my humor or something. I felt I didn't have the energy to work out. But I got validation from a friend and decided I wasn't going to let anyone keep me from meeting my goals.Try not to let the idiots get to you. And please don't let them derail the great progress you are making. They are wrong. Get back on track. We're here to support you!

mandalinn82 10-29-2010 11:50 AM

It always shakes me to my core when someone takes the position that, morally, I don't deserve to exist. As a gay woman in this time in history, it is something that I face a lot, and that I hope will change, just like the prejudice related to weight ought to. And reading the comments is always worse.

Sometimes, I have to decide to step away from the comments. I stop reading them. I stop fixating on the debate, and try to remind myself that, to the people debating, the discussion is academic and abstract, even though to me it is a discussion of my very being.

Hang in there.

NiteNicole 10-29-2010 12:12 PM

I don't know if this helps, but in her follow up to her article she said (oh, big shock, did anyone NOT guess this? Did she really need someone to point it out to her?) that she's a recovering anorexic. Most anorexics I know (sadly, I know and have known many) are more about control than thinness...thinness is just the form the control takes. All her judgments about other people are about her fear of loss of control, about HER, and so not about the other people. Sometimes it helps me if I can depersonalize it. It doesn't make her any less rude, but it's some perspective.

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