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I can't get over this, and I don't know why

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Old 10-29-2010, 12:14 PM   #16
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There will always be irrational hatred. Someone could hate you because you were a woman or gay or disabled or religious or an American or a Yankee or a Democrat (or a Republican!). Not everyone is going to like us all the time, and sometimes they won't like us for things we can't change. The people who hate irrationally have the problem, not you.
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Old 10-29-2010, 12:23 PM   #17
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This article really messed me up, too. I mean, here I am, all but done losing so much weight, and I still react to stuff like this exactly the same way I did at 375 pounds. If anything, I find it MORE upsetting, because it's just confirming the worst fears I had in all the years I was so big. I mean, I KNEW. Believe me, I knew, because it's not like there aren't plenty of people who are all too willing to let you know you disgust them, in the harshest terms possible, but that article was still like getting punched in the gut.
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Old 10-29-2010, 12:46 PM   #18
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Who in the **** is Maura Kelly, and why in the **** do you care what she thinks? I've never heard of her and quite frankly I think each and every one of us has better things to do than sit down at the computer and read 1000's of comments from idiots. Go for a walk instead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
Maura Kelly's blog article Should "Fatties" Get a Room? (Even on TV?) on the Marie Claire magazine's website in which she says:

...I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

it's tearing me up, and I don't really know why or how to stop it. I think I've read almost every one of the 2549 comments on the article (as well as the articles and comments on the "counterpoint" blog posts - and their comments too).

Even though most of the comments were critical of Maura Kelly (and many dowright hostile - more hostile than I personally feel), the supportive comments are the ones sticking with me - reminding me that there are a lot of people like her, hating me and finding me disgusting just for existing.

I feel like I've been hit in the face with a shovel. It's taken me years to convince myself that I do have an unconditional right to exist (not only so long as I'm trying and succeeding at being slimmer), and that I was safe to swim, bicycle, walk and even just be in public, because no one was thinking all of the horrible things I imagined they were.

Then Maury Kelly proved me wrong - some people really are thinking those things. Some people are disgusted with me simply at the sight of me walking across a room.

On one hand I feel "she's an idiot, and why do I care what she thinks," and on the other, I'm sitting here balling (and I usually don't cry), and it's not the first time since I read the article.

I was really excited about going to a Halloween party tomorrow night (decided on a Wagnerian Valkyrie costom, that I thought was pretty nifty), and now I'm afraid to go. It doesn't sound fun anymore.

This isn't me. At least it's not 44 year old me. This is 12 year old me.

Why do I care what Maura Kelly thinks of me? Why am I now afraid of all the Maura Kellys in the world, when I've spent so many years unafraid?

Before I read the Maura Kelly blog post, I can't remember the last time I felt like I didn't deserve to exist. Since reading it, those feelings have been washing over me over and over and over again.

I think I'd rather be hit by a bus than feel this way.

I know I'll get over this, because I am intelligent and emotionally strong, but I feel like I've been kicked in the face, over and over and over again.

I don't feel intelligent and strong, I feel sad and tired and I feel fatter than I've ever felt. Twice as fat as I ever was. It's been a really long time since I hated being me. I didn't think I could ever feel that way again.
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Old 10-29-2010, 12:54 PM   #19
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Kaplods, your post just made me so much angrier at Maura Kelly than I was after reading the article (and that was pretty mad already!)

I, for one, am exceptionally glad that you exist. When I came back to 3fc after a long time away, I was so glad to see you were still here. I even went back and read a bunch of your recent posts, because they are always well thought-out and informative and inspiring!
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Old 10-29-2010, 01:00 PM   #20
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Anyone who thinks that way, feels that way... I don't believe attracts anything good to their lives. If she is anorexic, her issues go even deeper than just hating fat people... she hates herself.

I agree with everyone and can't say much that hasn't already been said... so I am going to give you this instead:

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Old 10-29-2010, 01:25 PM   #21
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I read the article yesterday, and I started reading the comments but reminded myself that I don't need to borrow her insanity, I have plenty of my own. So, I shut down the 'net and took a deep breath and tried to forget she even exists. It made me so that steam was probably coming out of my ears; I totally understand what you are saying and why you are feeling this way.

I just want to reiterate what so many others have said. You are so wise, so knowledgable about weight loss and what it means and how it works (and how it doesn't work) and I love reading your thoughtful posts and responses. I get a little thrill when I read something you wrote that matches my own opinion and I feel smart that I could be on the same page as you.

You are so far above her and her madness, she is like a speck on the bottom of your shoe.

Please feel better soon.
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Old 10-29-2010, 01:40 PM   #22
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I may get flamed over this, but here is my .02.

On some guttural level, I think many humans find things that are so far beyond what is healthy for us - like being morbidly obese - revolting.

Having said that, there is a difference between having a gut reaction to a physical factor...and what you as a human being do with it.

Do I feel disgusted when I see someone eating McDonalds (regardless of their weight). Yes. I do. Because frankly, it isnt even food in my mind. Would I ever, make a face much less a comment about it? NO!

The probelm with that article, in my mind, isnt that the author has a guttural response of disgust to the extremely obese...its that she thinks its ok to take the guttural reaction and presume that reaction entitles her to make assertions about the persons VALUE, rights, etc.

It is our moral and intellectual responsibility to think thru our feelings before projecting them randomly on other people and also to treat other humans with respect, dignity, etc regardless of our differences.

I may or may not find the morbidly obese, at a guttural level a bit revolting. But I am aware enough to rationalize it, find some empathy (or in the case of someone who hasnt been obese at least sympathy), realize I have no idea about their circumstances, drop my attitude and offer loving kindness to others.

And by the way - the quote about who are you not to shine is one of my all time favorites. And it applies to every single human being on the face of this planet. We all have infinite potential, love, and light inside of us - we just have to accept that and let it shine thru.

And kaplods - I truly enjoy reading your posts and think highly of you. I mean this nicely, not rudely - but I find when I get so upset about something not even directed at me personally....it says something about me and I should figure out what my issues is. *hugs*
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Old 10-29-2010, 01:48 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lori Bell View Post
Who in the **** is Maura Kelly, and why in the **** do you care what she thinks?
This x 100!

NiteNicole: Your Marianne Williamson quote sounds a little like that old prose-poem "Desiderata", with that bit about "you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here": http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm

Last edited by ANOther : 10-29-2010 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 10-29-2010, 01:49 PM   #24
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Kaplods, I don't know if this'll help in any way, but you are the reason I signed up here. Your understanding that there are many roads to weight loss and that the slow road was okay too--that weight and the loss of it at a speed that felt right were not intrinsically a cause for shame and self-loathing--hit me with the force of revelation. Every previous weight loss I'd had that I claimed "didn't work" because it wasn't fast enough suddenly snapped into perspective. They all worked, I just didn't see the unrealistic results I'd hoped for! You gave me the huge gift of seeing that and therefore of feeling strong enough to try again without recrimination for having to try again, if that makes sense.

Maura Kelly is a disturbed woman. She acknowledged publicly that her own history with food, weight, and eating is deeply troubled. I suspect that even now, her outside doesn't match her inside and that she spends a lot of time with an inner monologue that tells her things far more cruel than what I'm thinking about her right now (and that's pretty cruel, because I think she's got a face like a Kentucky Derby loser and an eminently punchable smile).

However hurtful that article was, consider the pain that an individual would have to have in her head to write such an article. This wasn't an off-the-cuff rude statement, this was something she sat down and thought about for hours...how much self-loathing do you think was going on there during the process? I'm betting it was a lot. The woman probably takes a "Silkwood" shower if she accidentally touches a container of full-fat milk.

For every warped individual whose dark and tangled relationship with her own self-image makes her hate on people who look different from her, there are dozens or hundreds more who find the thought or sight of other human beings in a loving relationship beautiful. It's just a shame that one of the sick ones happens to have a forum from which to spew her raging crazy and let it spill out on unsuspecting folks.

It makes me furious that one person's poisonous attitudes can rob others of their sense of worth or beauty, even temporarily. Her distorted view is not the true one; the reality is that you and everyone else here are becoming healthier each day while she's clearly still got Issues-with-a-capital-I about body image. She's written a cruddy article that made a lot of people feel bad about themselves; you spend every day writing posts that give people hope and inspire them to live better lives. People like you and invite you to cool Halloween parties; people are ready to storm her condo wielding pitchforks and torches.

The article made me angry and hurt me at first, too. Then I pretty much blew it off as the ravings of a madwoman. I mean, who goes "ew" at affectionate relationships? Only people with a very warped perspective on the world, one that I can safely discount as being a tiny, disturbed minority. I kind of pity her now.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:56 PM   #25
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Kaplods,
Opinions are like @ssholes & everybody has one! Do not let what one persons says have that much of an impact on you, you are a wonderful lady & a wonderful source of information & you shouldn't give a rats @ss what she thinks!
My hubby & I watched that show Mike & Molly the other night & I said to my husband I love these 2, their personalities shine thru and I said I wish they would put more larger people in TV shows, because they deserve to be in the spotlight too in a positive way. Hubby agreed as we used to love watching Nell Carter etc.
Big huggeroos Kaplods, your AWESOME! Have fun at your party, you will rock that costume, keep your head held high my dear!
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Old 10-29-2010, 04:43 PM   #26
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Thank you all so much, you are all absolutely right. I'm still not sure why I reacted so intensely. I've dealt better with bullies and rude people in real life.

It just reminded me how much has NOT changed. It doesn't disturb or shock me that some people have horribly intolerant beliefs, I occasionally have my own - but to feel so confident in those dark thoughts as to speak or write them for public consumption without care to the damage and pain it will cause. It just makes me feel bone-weary more than anything else, and when I feel so empty of energy, my emotions don't work right.

When I wrote this, I was on my way to help a friend with some heavy duty cleaning of her restaurant for prospective buyers (the city is helping her move to a better location and she's gotten some catering contracts, for a while it looked like they'd have to go out of business entirely. At least now there's some hope for them - they're a lovely family and have faced so much themselves. They're Hmong and even though there's been a large Hmong population in this town beginning in the late 70's, there's still a lot of bigotry they have faced and continue to. One of the grandma's was harassed by young men (in their 30's not stupid teenagers), shouting at her to "go home".

Long story short, hard work put my little tantrum this morning into perspective. I can't stand very long in one place (walking is esier than standing for me), so I sat and helped clean the kitchen and washed dishes. Doing something constructive really reminded me that I am still useful, and I am still an asset to the planet (my friend's gratitude and the excitement of her two older daughters whom I'm teaching to crochet), helped me remember who I am.

I am excited about the Halloween party tomorrow night, and I'll post photos when I can.

One thing that I have to be very grateful for, is that I only briefly considered eating to anesthetize myself. I'm not cured of stress eating, but I didn't feel I "deserved" to medicate myself with fat and sugar. I have to celebrate that.

Thanks everyone. This is why I love this place so much.
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Old 10-29-2010, 10:54 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ANOther View Post
This x 100!

NiteNicole: Your Marianne Williamson quote sounds a little like that old prose-poem "Desiderata", with that bit about "you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here": http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
Thank you! It felt kind of familiar but I couldn't place it!
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Old 10-30-2010, 11:25 AM   #28
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Lori, you're too funny. I totally agree.

and I agree that anybody who has to blog such hateful drivel really is the one with a (serious) problem.

I really enjoyed this movie:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muriel%27s_Wedding
but I remember seeing a NY reviewer who wrote something along the lines of who wants to watch a movie about an overweight loser? I had something of your reaction to his comments that you had to this woman's blog. But then realized that it spoke more to that reviewer's insecurities about himself than the focus of Muriel's Wedding, which is pretty funny and uplifting.

K., hey, the fact that Mike and Molly is on TV shows that obviously the "world" doesn't feel that way about heavier couples.

the Valkyrie costume sounds wonderful. have a great time
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:35 PM   #29
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this is the first time i heard about any of this. i have an idea of what it might be that really bothered you on this. it's not so much what she said- but that it was published for so many people to read. in a real publication, as though her opinion were fact.
it's one thing to read some jerks words in someone's personal blog, on a message board, or hear them shouted at you as you walk down the street. it's another thing entirely to know that a publication as large as marie claire would support that.
their act of supporting it is the real slap in the face, to me at least.
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:47 PM   #30
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I co-sign 100% on what Lori Bell said, who the **** is this woman to make you feel "less than"? Look around honey, in 2010 there seem to be more overweight people than those who are too thin. I have never met you but I know if I did I would think you were great! I always enjoy your posts. Now I'm going over to read that stupid article, I hope there is a place to leave comments ...
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