This is soo OT but I just felt like I needed a real outside source for advice here.
I have a horrid relationship with my father. He was barely in my life growing up and made a huge amount of really bad choices. Including treating us kids very badly. My brother kicked him fully out of his life and refuses to let him see his granddaughter at all even.
My sister & I though are dumb and just can't fully write him out even though he always ends up making us feel like crap sigh.
Anyways the joy of facebook addiction has brought us together alot more. He is always on and comments on our status often. As well as friending all of our mom's side of the family.
This includes my 13-14 year old cousin....
He comments on all her posts like a creepy stalker. She fills her page with tons of photos, that he comments on. He has never met her in real life and yet acts like they are best friends. He talks to her more then me lol
Lately she has been having issues with her boyfriend- he is alittle older and lives in the state she is from (she recently moved across the country) and how everyone is telling her though she feels she is in love & is engaged(???), that she is still young. Well my father has been posting encouraging messages for her about how she should be free & make her own choices.
My father is not a good guy at all. I don't think I would ever let him alone with my kids if I had them. His new wife is just a couple years older then I am. My little step sister he has paraded her around in skimpy overly sexual outfits. And when my old stepsister (from a different marriage) & I were both 16 he bought us both little camisole nightgowns & thong underwear that he wanted us to try on....yes seriously!
My sister, sister in law, mom and my husband all agree that his posts to her are creepy & disturbing. But at the same time he really is not saying anything inappropriate to her either. And that we may be over reacting because of who he is and since he is a guy in his 40's acting like best friends with a 14 year old. But he is not hitting on her or making perverted comments or anything.
My cousin is all being super nice to him, chatting back & started calling him bambino -I have no clue why but her sister said that it means baby. So this is what has got me really more worried.
Yet it isn't like they live anywhere near one another either. He is in Oklahoma & she is in Pennsylvania.
None of us know what to do though. Our relationship is very tense (obviously lol) neither my sister or I feel like we can approach him like a normal person and say that he is being inappropriate. IDK we might feel intimidated approaching him to talk perhaps even.
I don't have a close relationship with my younger cousin either. I moved away when she was still fairly young and we chat alittle on facebook. I don't feel I can be all authoritative and tell her not to talk to him. Her mom is not in the picture and her dad is almost as bad so sigh
I thought maybe talking to her older sister and seeing if she would talk to her. But I kindof feel that I am gonna come off as being creepy or rude jumping to it being inappropriate when it really hasn't been. idk if that makes sense?
sigh idk what to do or if I should even. But every single time I see a post now it just makes me cringe
Listen to your gut. This is very very creepy. I wouldn't allow him around my little girl either (sounds like you and your brother should have a heart to heart---does he know something you don't?) You should at the least talk to your cousin's older sister or even have a talk with your cousin directly. Maybe your mom needs to step in and talk to your cousin. And I'd keep an eye on your little step sister too. I see a pattern here that clearly concerns you.
Don't bother with him, you can't expect him to act reasonably as he's shown he's not a reasonable person. Contact her parents and let them know your concerns. If someone told me they wouldn't leave their father alone with their own children, that would speak pretty loudly to me. Do her parents even know he's becoming so chummy with her? That, to me, is totally inappropriate. If any grown man were to take that much interest in my child it would put me on high alert.
You need to talk to her parents and point them in the direction of her facebook account.
It will probably be uncomfortable and awkward and some people may be mad at you, but it's necessary.
I agree with NiteNicole; if your cousin is a minor, her parents should be notified. And I would defriend him, even if he is your father. If he's creeping you out enough that you wouldn't let your daughter be around him and your brother feels the same way, then that is a huge red flag that you need to pay attention to. I know he is your dad, but that's just a biological fact--it doesn't make you obligated to have him in your life.
Hopefully her parents are monitoring the situation closely. This is exactly why I don't let my kids on social networking sites! If you think her parents aren't aware, definitely get them involved. Even though they live far away, internet relationships can be dangerous, especially for a teenage girl and an older guy. Good luck.
If you don't get anywhere through family channels, remember that you can always, always, always contact child protective services in her state. You can even contact them anonymously at first just to get their feedback.
Boy, this is a difficult call. But yes, trust your gut. If it was really creeping me out I absolutely wouldn't hesistate to get on the horn and call someone--even calling local authorities. It may be OTT in some persons opinion, but I would rather go overboard than not do enough.
I consider what the OP HAS already said to be legitimate grounds for contacting CPS.
Although the OP has said "he is not saying anything inappropriate," I would take that statement with a large grain of salt. If you have a father who asks you to model thong underwear at 16, your idea of inappropriate may be skewed.
"Creepy and disturbing" IS INAPPROPRIATE.
"Creepy and disturbing" should be reported to child protective services (whatever it is called, as each state has it's own name - Department of Family Services, Department of Children and Family Services...).
You also do not have to reside in the same state to contact Child Protective Service.
Not only can you call from another state you don't have to have solid "proof," you can call if you're concerned and CPS will investigate. If he's done nothing wrong they will find the case unfounded.
Many people wait to report because they have suspicions and not facts, but it's CPS that needs the facts, not the reporter. No one wants to get someone in trouble over nothing, so often they ignore suspicions far too long. But it's not your job to do the investigation, that's CPS's job. Even a suspicion should be reported, because sometimes all you'll have is a "gut feeling."
It's true that CPS organizations often are so understaffed that they will only take your call seriously, if you have solid evidence, so low-proof cases will also be low-priority cases.
When I worked as a mandated reporter (anyone working in social service or law enforcement is a mandated reporter), the laws are very clear to us that we were obligated to report just on suspicion alone (even with no evidence - just the "feeling" that something creepy was going on). If we did not we could lose our job and our licenses or professional qualifications.
Now average citizens are not mandated reporters (if your job requires you to be, your supervisor will have told you so - If I remember correctly, photo developers are actually mandated reporters, at least in some states).
That means you are not OBLIGATED to report suspected inappropriateness, but it doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to.
That being said, reporting on a family member can cause a lot of problems so you need to prepared for that, if you're considering it. I'm not going to tell you that keeing things in the family is best, because I don't know the situation. I haven't seen the facebook exchanges, but again I can't stress enough that "Creepy and disturbing," IS IS IS INAPROPRIATE!
Personally I would report, because the possible consequences are just too severe. If you're not willing and able to do that, at the very least, please contact the parents, and to be honest I would suggest sharing some of your personal history with the girl's parents (I would definitely take someone more seriously if they told me their father had bought them skimpy underwear at 16 and encouraged them to try it on).
Just that experience alone is enough for CPS and/or this girls' parents to raise an eyebrow and keep an eye on the situation.
Remember it's not the job for the reporter to have evidence. It is the job of CPS to investigate and determine whether there is evidence. But don't try to determine what IS evidence, thell them what you do know, and what you have seen/read and let them decide whether it's evidence or not.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding ~ where is your father and where is your cousin? If he's in one state and she's in another, how does getting CPS involved help anyone?
People (even without easy access to transportation) can easily travel from one state to another. I've seen cases of abusers hitchhiking to get access to their victims.
Pedophiles routinely also get potential victims to run away or travel to see them, and unlike the cases portrayed on Dateline and other crime tv shows, but relatives are far more likely to be the offender.
The parents need to be notified, but a father who buys daughters (of any age, but minors especially) sexy lingerie and asks them to try them on is more than just creepy, he's a pedophile. Whether he has broken the law, or just come close is another matter, but that's not for me to decide it's for the authorities.
I realize that many people have had bad experiences with CPS when it has been used maliciously (to hurt adults, not to protect children), but this doesn't seem to be that kind of situation. Just knowing what I know from OP's first post, I would have been legally obligated to report to CPS, so I don't see this as a "borderline" situation. Now given what she said, I doubt that DCFS (the agency in Illinois) would have followed up on the case on so little information, but that wouldn't have lessened my obligation to report it. (That doesn't mean the OP is obligated to report it, but she certainly has grounds and the right to).
And I've seen hundreds of lives destroyed by people failing to report because they thought they needed proof, or because they didn't want to cause "trouble in the family."
I wasn't trying to be nasty, but I am passionate about the topic, because of all of the children and families I've worked with in children's homes, juvenile detention, and adult probation. I've seen cases of unfounded allegations, and I've seen cases of repeated abuse that went unreported for decades because no one wanted to cause problems, only to make a problem a multi-generational problem.
When I was an adult probation officer I had a probation client who even the county court system didn't think was a threat to his victim, because he didn't have a car and didn't live in the same state as his victim. He hitched his way across county to get to his victim. I had a bisexual male probation client with HIV who had persuaded many teenage boys to come visit him for sex. Most were within the state, but there were several out-of-state victims as well. And when I talked to probation officers and mental health counselors in other states at conferances, they all had similar stories as well.
I had a woman on probation who was sexually abused by her father, but let the man babysit her children. Shocked that he would "do that" to her children, even knowing that he had done so to her. She thought he had "changed" with no evidence or promises to the contrary.
I worked with so many people who were abused as children, only to abuse their own children or grandchildren. I've worked with people who had been abused as children so they didn't recognize the signs and symptoms of abuse in their own children because of a skewed sense of appropriateness. A woman who had been sexually abused by so many men in her family, that she didn't recognize the signs of pedophillia in a boyfriend (she thought it was "sweet" that her boyfriend was paying so much attention to her 9 year old daughter, and thought it meant he'd be a great stepfather).
I've also worked with people who used false allegations of abuse to hurt other adults. Vindictive neigbor's, vengeful ex's, jealous siblings... but for every adult that was unjustly accused, there were dozens and dozens of cases of children hurt and unheard. For every case that DCFS was called on when they shouldn't have been, I saw hundreds of cases in which they weren't called when they should have been. Abuse is still under-reported in this country, and so often because of witnesses "not wanting to cause trouble."
Yes, we definitely do have extremely different opinions and perspectives, and I'm not arguing your right to state yours. Everyone should voice their opinions, even if they are very different. The OP will make her decision based on her own.
Thank you all so much. It really does help to just see that those not involved can tell that this is not ok either.
I am going to email my mom and see if she wants to say something and if not then I will talk to my oldest cousin about talking to her sister. Her sister is an adult with 3 kids of her own, she doesn't live close but I hope she can just convince her sister to stop talking to him and maybe even remove him as a friend.
Sadly my cousins parents are zero help. My aunt made a ton of bad decisions with drugs and alcohol. She is currently in jail. & her dad is scum he I doubt cares what she does in her life much less online. All that just makes her in a worse situation where I think she is more vulnerable to creeps out there Which is why I was feeling the need to step in. How she is talking back to him is not helping the situation and she obviously isn't aware of that she is a child and he is a creepy adult.
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Why are you Facebook friends with him at all?
None of us kids like our father. Besides being a creep he is also cruel and just a jerk. My brother had alot of hate and resentment built up. I've disowned him myself like a million times. I have a bleeding heart idk why as much hate I have for him it is hard and it makes me feel guilty & he will act like I know I was so horrible blah blah but I try to change and make up for it. So I end up feeling like the bad guy. Mostly I just don't talk to him. We exchange christmas cards is about it. My husband hates him and all the time tells me I should just rid my life of him too.
The worst is my sister though. She didn't get to know him much growing up and so I think she didn't get alot of hate built up towards him so she would always be the one trying to tie us all together. And she was really close to my grandmother (his mother). But even though she was the only one on his side he still treats her like dirt- for her weight, her money problems, how she isn't married & doesn't have kids. & every single time me or my brother push him out of our lifes he pushes my sister even harder making her feel guilty and bad for it.
Sorry I am rambling. I just wanted to try and explain why I contact him. I'd probably give others the same advice- why would u want someone like that in your life?? it is just a hard emotional place I think
I think it also hurts our thought process on the issue because we have to ask ourselves are we being fair or just using it as like revenge punishment? type of thing
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Although the OP has said "he is not saying anything inappropriate," I would take that statement with a large grain of salt. If you have a father who asks you to model thong underwear at 16, your idea of inappropriate may be skewed.
Well I definitely knew that was not ok. Though I wish back then I had been stronger and been able to tell my mom. I wish my then stepmother realized it was not ok sigh.
He hasn't done anything overly out there. Enough to make u feel creeped out but at the same time being overly friendly to a sort of relative -he could just be trying to be nice. He does the whole "like" on most everything she says. I just went back and tried looking through the face book pages to see all the comments. & ok all the comments are a bit much I had not noticed them all. He comments on her photos saying wow- so beautiful & pretty.:
"Just Beautiful!!!!" "WOW, all I can say!""Beautiful pic""YW, You look like a model in a magazine in this photo.
Your so Beautiful."
& she posted this on his wall & he posted it back on hers:
" Put ♥ this ♥ on ♥ anyone's ♥ wall ♥ who ♥ made ♥ you ♥ smile ♥ somewhere ♥ at ♥ sometime ♥ in ♥ your ♥ life ♥ it ♥ may ♥ surprise ♥ you ♥ but ♥ check ♥ out ♥ how ♥ many ♥ come ♥ back ♥ thanks ♥ a ♥ lot ♥ for ♥ making ♥ me ♥ smile"
My sister also tells me that he told my cousin in a friendly way that if she ever needs anything he is there for her & come visit.
He lives in Oklahoma & she is in Pennsylvania far away from another. But while the space does make me feel alot better it also doesn't mean much.
It puts me in this horrid position. My instinct is screaming at me - this is not ok. and yet so many other things are like saying if he was someone else would I be so worried? If I accuse him of something he didn't do, it could ruin his life & his wifes & my stepsiblings lifes.
But my stepsister has got to be around the same age as my cousin too. and I was raped & my mother was molested as a kid and her mom knew and did nothing. It happens to so many girls and I would never ever wish that on anyone in a million years.
I am definitely going to talk to my mom right away and see what she wants to do & then go from there. Thank you all so much. I just hope we can go through my cousin and get her to stop talking to him. & if not then idk yet. But u all have given me so much to think about thank you all so much
I was not meaning to be nasty, and I did not mean a personal attack. Although I have to admit the idea that the girl was obviously perfectly safe because this "creepy and disturbing" adult was in another state did make me angry, because of my experiences in how often it has proven untrue.
I did go back and edit my post to express my opinions more neutrally, though I can't stress enough how serious and dangerous I consider this situation. That was the feeling I was trying to communicate, not that I thought you were stupid for not considering it.
It is unlikely that CPS is going to take this situation as seriously as it deserves, and that disturbs me greatly. The idea that it is a situation that should be "kept in the family" also cuts me to the bone, because of how often that has been used to hide and even justify continued abuse. When you've worked with hundreds of abused children, and adult abuse victims-turned abusers it's very difficult to see even the "borderline" cases taken so cavalierly.
Have a ? about family troubles....
. Sounds like you have a good plan. Listen to your gut, girl!
