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Old 09-17-2010, 05:49 PM   #1
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Default Major problems with my mother.

My mom is a very attention seeking person, and I'm afraid by how things are going right now, she's going to ruin mine and my little brothers' futures. (Keep in mind, we are all under 18)

We aren't from America. We moved here a few years ago. She has started to hate America so much, that she’s getting “sick” when in actuality there is nothing wrong with her. She’s unhappy, and she thinks that America is her problem, and she use to break down every few months and wanted to move back, then it started becoming every month, then every week, now it’s every day, if not couple of times a day. She’s even told me she’s going to be unhappy in Bulgaria AND America, but she keeps threatening to move back there almost every day and every time I hear her break down all I hear it that she can’t take it here anymore..

After all that happened, she had a full time job and a part time job. Her back started hurting, so she quit her part time job. Okay, cool. Then after that her back started hurting again, she’d go to specialists and they’d tell her nothing is wrong with her, and a week later she’d be fine. Then she started really light headed and dizzy and would go to the ER almost every week for about 4 weeks – every time there was nothing wrong with her, and after that for the days after she’d feel fine then do it again. Now she got her tooth fixed about 2 months ago, and she’d always complain about how she doesn’t feel good and she’s so weak and blame it on her tooth, we’ve gone to the dentist about 4 or 5 times, and specialists and they’d tell her NOTHING is wrong with her. Her “sicknesses” now a days are just “feels dizzy” or “feels sick” or “lightheaded” it’s never a cold, it’s never coughing, it’s never a fever, she just doesn’t “feel good”… We’ve spent over 10 thousand dollars in the past 7 or 8 months just for her specialists and the ER, just to know there’s nothing wrong with her.

Now for the past 2 weeks, she’s been coming home every day and literally laying on the couch and watching TV, while the rest of the family does the chores and takes care of dinner. She’s spent about a thousand dollars for doctors and specialists in the past WEEK alone (and no there was nothing wrong with her apparently..). And now she just sat me and my brothers down and told me we’re not only having problems with her health, but now it’s financial problems too and we might have to move back because.. and I quote “It would be better for her, and she wouldn’t have to sacrifice her life for her kids.”
And she has told me before that she felt like she's just wasting her life being unhappy just to please her children. She knows none of us want to move back across the world, but she still threatens us with it almost every day. For example, if we get a bad grade "We came here for your education! If you're going to get F's we're moving back!" "You can't like that guy, he's not right for you, if you're going to we'll move back!" "Don't be rude to me, this country is turning you selfish, we're gonna move back!"

I’m just so sick of her.. None of us wanted to move to America in the first place and begged to come back. Now that we’re use to it and don’t want to go back it’s turned around as if she’s ruining her whole life for us to live here and NOW she wants to move back. I’m tired of coming back home every day and being in a good mood, and feel like even LAUGHING around her or being happy and talking with my brother is some kind of a ****ing sin. I’m tired of the disgusted looks she gives me if I have a friend over, as if.. if she’s not happy, nobody else should be happy either. I’m tired of her thinking that moving countries once again would make her happy, it didn’t work the first time, so why would it work this time? I’m tired of her acting like she’s on her death bed in her 40s because things aren’t going her way. The one time the family became happy and actually enjoyed our lives here, it’s like oh no, no more attention towards her, so let’s get sick every week and want a major change like moving across the world, AGAIN, just cause you think it’ll make you happier.

She's just a miserable person. In the past 3 years I've tried speaking to her about everything, and there's no hope. If I'm quiet - "Why aren't you saying anything?" when I do say something - "Don't talk back to me!". My mother has NEVER taken the blame for everything, and if in you some way argue back she just tells you to stop talking back to being rude. I hear her almost every night when I'm in bed ranting to my dad (mainly about me, out of the kids) and how horrible it is here, and every other word is "I'm right, right?" always looking for reassurance, and if my dad argues with her she breaks down and cries, so now a days he just agrees with everything..

I just don't know what to do. I (and my brothers) don't want to move back across the world, and now that we finally got use to it here, she cries almost every night to move back. Telling her to talk to somebody is the LAST thing on the list.. She literally thinks she is not in the wrong about ANYTHING, and how she thinks is the total truth, and if somebody sees things in an opposite way are in the wrong. She reads some self help books, but all of those are completely opposite of what she should be reading.. It's pretty much books assuring her that she is a good person, and everybody else that has made her upset are the "bad" people, etc..
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Old 09-17-2010, 06:16 PM   #2
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It really does sound like your mother is dealing with some serious depression. The fatigue could be from depression but a lot of her symptoms also sound like a vitamin deficiency (the back pain and doctors saying nothing is wrong), specially if your diet here is different from what she grew up eating. I would suggest she take a daily multivitamin (they come in chews if she doesn't like pills) and that will probably help her feel better in a few weeks.

How old are you guys? I mean really while it's hard maybe if you guys take care of yourselves she can go back to her country if that's what she wants.

Has her own doctor discussed with her that she could have depression?
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Old 09-17-2010, 06:30 PM   #3
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To me, it sounds like she is severely depressed. This is extremely common in adults after moving to a new country. Depression could be causing her physical symptoms too... or the doctors could be wrong too.

It took ten years for me to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia and autoimmune disease. Every doctor I went to said there was nothing wrong with me, or that it was my weight (which I was trying to do something about).

By the time I was diagnosed, I was so sick that I couldn't work and had to go onto disability (I was unable to stay awake for more than 4 to 6 hours out of every day).

Now that I know what's wrong, and have good doctors helping me (instead of sending me home saying it was all in my head) I'm making steady improvement. It's like night and day (and it's not just the weight, because more than half of my improvements came before I started losing the weight).

It's possible that your mom has nothing physically wrong with her. It's also possible that she does, and the doctors just haven't diagnosed it yet. Fibromyalgia, autoimmune disease, and many other physical health issues often take years to diagnose with the patient being told many times over those years that their issues are mental, not physical.

Even if there is something physically wrong, seeing a counselor or psychiatrist can help a lot (though a lot of people are reluctant to go, because they think people will think they're "crazy"). Antidepressants can help, but it can be difficult to persuade some people that they need them (my husband's grandfather was taking an antidepressant for his pain (he thought they were pain pills) and the medication was helping tremendously, but when he found out that the pills were an antidepressant, he refused to take them.

I'm on an antidepressant, but not for depression. It's to help me sleep and to help with the pain of arthritis and fibromyalgia. The brain chemicals that antidepressants affect, also are the same brain chemicals that affect sleeping and pain - so whether you have depression, sleep disorders, or pain disorders the drugs can help. You don't have to be depressed to be helped by an antidepressant.

I am NOT saying your mom needs an antidepressant, or even that she's depressed, or that the depression is causing her pain (if she is depressed, it's just as likely that her pain is causing her depression).

I know how hard it can be to watch someone spiral downward into depression. My mom, I'm confident is clinically depressed. She also has pain issues from severe arthritis. She won't get help for the depression, because she thinks I am telling her she's crazy. Even though she's seen how it's helped me, she won't admit she needs that kind of help. She recently had both knees replaced (a few months apart) and is experiencing less pain, so I'm hoping that will help with her depression.

I can relate to your feeling powerless. Even at 44 and I'm still powerless when it comes to changing my mom. You can only ever change yourself, and until you're 18, there are a lot of choices you don't have. Talking to your father, and talking to your school counselor can help (it helped me a lot when I was in high school), and they may have some ideas that could help.

Good luck, you're in a really tough spot (and so is your mom).
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Old 09-17-2010, 06:52 PM   #4
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Hang in there...you sound like an amazing kid. I wish you the best and hope that someone can help your mom see how she's behaving and how it is affecting you.
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