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Old 09-15-2010, 03:59 PM   #1
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Default Don't know where to post this... I don't know what to do

Basically in a nutshell, my mom is literally a crazy drunk. I'm not just saying that, she really truly is. She essentially made my life from ages 0-16 a living ****, and that is in part a HUGE reason why I gained so much weight.

At 16 I realized what she was, and that the horrible things she said to me weren't true, and I started standing up for myself. Since then, our relationship has gone from bad to worse. Her mom was really bad to her, and so I think she has issues with women because of it (she gets along with my brother even though he uses her for money/steals from her/talks down to her) hence her being horrible to me.

Well, on Friday to make a long story short she got off of work and was really really really drunk. I guess I was slightly rude, but I'm fed up with her behavior, and said I didn't want to talk to her when she was like that. It's hard, and upsetting, when I want to tell my mom I aced my Microbiology quiz and she's slurring her words and stuff. Well she told me to leave, and I did. On Saturday I came back to explain my behavior and apologize if it seemed rude. Well, I guess she stewed over the situation with a bottle of brandy (it was 11 AM...) and drunk as ever she told me like, the most horrible things ever. Petty stuff, trying to break me down and all that. My mom is good at zeroing in on a person's weaknesses and pointing them out to you in a situation like that. Subsquently my ENTIRE family is estranged from her and she does not have a friend in the world. No joke.

I tried not to cry, but it's hard hearing your mother tell you she doesn't think she loves you and that you're a *****.

At the end, she said she was done with me and blah blah blah, I left and I don't intend to ever speak to her again. I'm serious too.

But it just occurred to me, that I'm under her health insurance. I don't need her at all except for that. It's REALLY good insurance and I need it. I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out in January, my glasses are breaking and too weak, and I have chronic eczema and stuff...my appendix was taken out in October 08 and I didn't pay a penny except for the vicodin prescription. It's good insurance, I NEED it. My dad can get insurance but it doesn't cover vision or dental and it's extremely expensive....

While I don't know if she'll cancel my insurance (she may) but she sure as **** won't give me any of the paperwork. I have to send in a form and my school schedule to verify I'm not slacking off. I don't know what to do. I could try to have my brother talk to her, but she always justifys everything in her head as everyone elses fault. She can do no wrong, and in the past she's held things like this over my head as a "punishment". So I don't know...

I guess I'm mostly venting. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe some of you real adults can give me some advice. *sigh*
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Old 09-15-2010, 04:09 PM   #2
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How old are you?

I grew up with an extremely abusive female parent (see, I can't even use the term "mother" for her) and I walked away and never looked back.

You do not have to let your life be defined by this person. If your dad can help with the medical stuff, great. If not, you're like the millions of others inbetween or with poor insurance. While it is good to be practical, seek solutions that don't tie you to your abuser.
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Old 09-15-2010, 04:21 PM   #3
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I am really sorry to hear about your mother - because I had one JUST LIKE HER.

First of all - here is a great big hug from one survivor to another .

Secondly - the best encouragement that I can give you is to focus on yourself, your goals and your future. The day is going to come when she will be out of your life. Don't let her drama distract or derail you. There is almost nothing worse than an abusive family member - but keep yourself centered as much as you can. Don't give in to the chaos.

I don't know how old you are, but focus on school work and developing skills that will enable you to get a good job that will cover your health insurance. In the meantime, try to find creative outlets (like doing art projects or playing a musical instrument) and physical exercise to help you cope with stress and take your attention away from her. I hope you have at least one supportive friend that you can confide in. And for heaven's sake, have some fun away from her.

You can survive her. Please hang in there and post often; let us know how you are doing. Here are more hugs:

Remember: You can thrive in the world no matter what situation you come from.
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Old 09-15-2010, 04:29 PM   #4
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It's sad that she's like that. But you know that it's her and not you. Do you live at school or with her? She probably has to wait until open season to drop you from her insurance and may not remember by that time.

Can you hurry up and get the wisdom teeth and glasses taken care of before she has a chance to drop you?

I've distanced myself from my family because they tend to be toxic. It's been quite refreshing not to have to deal with their soap opera lives.

Good luck and sending a big hug
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Old 09-15-2010, 04:29 PM   #5
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I'm a member of the bad mother club, unfortunately.

I agree with Midwife. The best health insurance in the world is not going to protect you from her abuse. I did not have health insurance at all through college, but I figured it out when I needed something taken care of, including my wisdom teeth. I refused to be indebted to my mother. When you break free, you will figure it out somehow.

I'm sorry you have a mother like that. Please know that all the horrible things she says- that's her disease talking. No woman in her right mind would ever say things like that to her daughter. It doesn't excuse her behavior by any means and you should not expose yourself to it, but do not take those awful words to heart. Good luck to you
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Old 09-15-2010, 05:26 PM   #6
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Default Hallo Natalie

It must be awful for you and my heart goes out to you.
My mother was schizophrenic and suffered from nervous depressions so she was in and out of mental hospitals all the time. My Dad was nonexistant being a commercial traveller and going all round the eastern area was very rarely at home. At the age of about 16 we got evicted from our house and we were all split up so I virtually lived on my own from then so I never knew what it was like to have someone put their arm round me or show any love at all. When I had my family I think I did show some affection to my children but not as much as they now show to their children. I'm always so glad that they were able to break the cycle.
You will be surprised at the amount of people these days who don't live in a proper home environment and are going through similiar situations as yourself. Hang in there and like others have said try to get some activities where you can enjoy yourself and forget for a little while all the hassle that you are having to contend with.
All the very best.
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Old 09-15-2010, 06:33 PM   #7
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Thanks everyone. I'm a little more umm emotionally stable now (as compared to a few years ago)? I sort of pity her, because she has lost everyone that has ever loved her because of her behavior. It's nice knowing I'm not alone... that's such an overused statement but it's true. Sometimes I feel like nobody gets where I'm coming from, and it's hard going through life with such a shaky foundation yknow?

And fyi I'm 20 and a pre-nursing student. Working my butt off to get straight A's so hopefully I can get into a program somewhere within driving distance might I add....

I don't live with her either. I live with my boyfriend's family. They're like, the picturesque big ol' country family. Parents still together, loads of kids and animals, a huge house where everyone eats at the table together. It's bittersweet being here because while it's a happy place to be, it's hard seeing what I never got to have. They want to help me but they're having serious financial issues right now.

Thanks for the perspective. It's really not as big of a deal as I thought of it I suppose, insurance. I've just never not had it, and I'm so paranoid of like MRSA and car accidents and crap. *shrug* My boyfriend's mom told me to poke around her house when she's not home and look for the packet of stuff, and if not my last ditch effort will be to call her work's insurance department and lie through my damn teeth and try to submit the paperwork bypassing her. I am DEFINITELY not talking to her again. My extended family told me not to last year, but I didn't listen. It doesn't make me sad. I still love her in the sense that she gave birth to me so a biological part of me will always love her, but I've hated everything about her being since I was 13, so this really isn't much of a loss.

Thanks for all your support.
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Old 09-16-2010, 10:01 AM   #8
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Since you're over 18, I wonder if you can arrange with the insurance company to have a copy of the forms sent to your address? It might be worth a shot. There are so many patient privacy laws at this time, you might just call them up and say you want to keep your medical business private, and could you please have the forms sent to your address.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is sad that there are so many people here with similar stories.
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Old 09-16-2010, 05:25 PM   #9
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Do try not to actually hate her - she is a product of HER environment of when she was growing up. I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the line she has suffered some mishap or dissappointment or other that has driven her to do what she does. By all means stay clear as that way you don't have to contend with the frustrations of her moods etc.
Well done in your efforts to get into nursing despite everything. I wish you all the best.
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Old 09-17-2010, 04:44 PM   #10
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Hi Natalie,

I belong to the Bad Dad club, which is similar to the Bad Mom club as we end up with emotional scars for the rest of our lives. My dad was abusive in many ways. He often referred to the things I did as "Stupid". As a result, I bought into that and did poorly in school. I never went to high school and ended up a young, overweight, single mom on welfare.
Once I started therapy I was able to see that I was not stupid nor did I deserve any of the abuse I suffered as a child. I enrolled in college and changed my life.
Fast forward to 24 years later, I am an RN working in a college as a Nursing Instructor. I realize that I don't have to hide that poor abused little girl under a mound of food or weight. I like who I am and I'm very proud of my accomplishments.
I wish you luck in school. We need more nurses at the bedside, especially those with big hearts and lots of compassion.

Hugs for you,
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Old 09-18-2010, 06:56 AM   #11
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The insurance company will likely fax or email you the forms, also.

My father is toxic, and when I started college I hadn't spoken to him in months. He was ordered through the court to help pay for my college, but since he's self-employed, there was no way to enforce it. I made amends with my dad long enough to ensure he cut a check to my mom for school, then walked away for years. I figured all of the torment during my life entitled me to some financial assistance for the first time ever.

While it's not an ideal situation, if having insurance is really that important, you can make up with your mom for a bit. If you call the insurance company, they will tell you when open enrollment is, and you can play nice with the woman during that 3-ish week period.

You can also look into state assisted medical care, in my state they sometimes make exceptions to the "child" rule if you're still young and in school.
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Old 09-18-2010, 07:35 AM   #12
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Keep in mind that your mother is a very sick woman. When she speaks to you so terribly it is her addiction her pain speaking to you. Despite her illness she has no right to treat you that way and you certainly don't have to put up with it. I hope your mother can someday get the help she needs.

About your health insurance. Depending on which state you live in there are programs for students to be covered for up to a year until after they graduate. I would call your state or local health and human services department and find out. I would assume that if your going to school you aren't making a whole lot. You might be able to get coverage based on your income as well. Many hospitals have programs for uninsured individuals. There are ways of becoming independant of your mother. Ask your college advisor or someone in the main office I'm sure they can help as well. It is very common.

I sincerely hope that you break the cycle of abuse that has been hanging on to the women in your family. Use the struggle of this to grow and become better. There are 2 types of people in this world. Those that use pain and suffering to add a fire to their success or those who use it to keep chained to the ground. Be the first. Accept your struggles. As a child of abuse I constantly remind myself that I'm a fine wine. The best grapes come from those vines that struggle. The vines fight for sunlight, for water. They grown sideways on hills and inbetween rocks. In the end they produce the finest, sweetest, most complex grapes. It is struggle that defines us and shapes what we produce in life. You have struggled. That struggle has made you complex and sweet and one of the finest wines. Tell yourself again and again that your a fine wine. You are one of the best.
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Old 09-18-2010, 12:22 PM   #13
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My father is an alcoholic. I've never seen him sober. Ever. He's crazy and abusive and I've cut him off. I'm even getting to the point where I'm not angry at him anymore. He is what he is and I can't change it. I don't have to accept it though or be a co-dependent. The important thing to know about dealing with an alcoholic is the "three C's". "I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CURE it, I can't CONTROL it" You are only responsible for yourself.

So, I know my opinion isn't typical or medically prescribed one. I think our society makes a lot of lame excuses for other peoples lame behavior. I don't buy the whole "alcoholism is a disease" thing. It is a serious mental problem, a compulsion, but not a disease. People wake up with cancer or lupus, not a bottle of Jack in their hand. Alcoholics don't have booze forced in their body. They come up with the money, spend it, and consume it. Or they manipulate others into getting it for them. No one forces them. There is a profound lack of responsibility that enables people to behave like this and dismiss any guilt because they have an addictive personality. Addiction is a medical issue because getting clean usually needs medical attention because the body chemistry alters, but all in all, being an alcoholic or a drug addict is a choice. (I also happen to teach at a medical college. I'm not some random Christian Scientist or Scientology preaching some dogma )

My advice is to stay away. Nothing positive can be had from a relationship from her unless she changes. Try to get an appt with your doctors asap. It is doubtful she will take you off immediately. Tell them you may lose it at anytime. Get as much of your prescriptions stockpiled and make a plan with them for what to do in the case you lose your insurance. There are cheap services available for students.

Also, remember that addictive tendencies and abnormal attitudes about addiction run in families. I used to think it is completely normal to come home from work everyday and get wasted by oneself. I thought EVERYONE did that. Its not normal. I have unhealthy attitudes about alcohol. I stay away from it. I drink socially, rarely. I never buy it or drink alcohol at home. I never drink alone. Think about what unhealthy attitudes and behaviors may have rubbed off on you and counter that by being self-aware so you don't fall in the same traps. Focus on school and your health. You are doing what you need to do to be self-sufficient though it is difficult. I commend you.

Good luck to you!
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:32 PM   #14
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The problem with the insurance papers is that it's through her work, not the insurance company. My boyfriend's dad is an insurance agent/former district manager of a huge company... so he could help me if it was just insurance. It's her company that rules with an iron fist over this issue. The sad thing is all I need is my college schedule printed out proving I have >9 units this semester, and a stupid paper verifying that I didn't make that schedule in MS Paint. Grr.

I wish I could put up with my mom for this, but I feel like if I start talking to her again I'll get sucked back into feeling like she's "not so bad" and this will happen again. I don't want to, I feel FREE not having to deal with her drunken bull**** ever again. I think I might be able to figure this out myself, I want to exhaust my options before thinking about plan b. I'm very self sufficient, I mean when I was 15 and she wouldn't make me a dentist appt despite a chronic tooth ache, I found a dentist that took our insurance, I found her tax papers and located her SSN, called the dentist and enrolled myself as a patient, made an appointment, and found a ride there. I know I can do this. I'm going to snoop around her house today looking for the papers.
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:40 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leopardspots View Post
Also, remember that addictive tendencies and abnormal attitudes about addiction run in families. I used to think it is completely normal to come home from work everyday and get wasted by oneself. I thought EVERYONE did that. Its not normal. I have unhealthy attitudes about alcohol. I stay away from it. I drink socially, rarely. I never buy it or drink alcohol at home. I never drink alone. Think about what unhealthy attitudes and behaviors may have rubbed off on you and counter that by being self-aware so you don't fall in the same traps. Focus on school and your health. You are doing what you need to do to be self-sufficient though it is difficult. I commend you.

Good luck to you!
Oh, I know. Believe me, I know. I've already struggled with this. When I was at my high weight, my solution to everything was binge drinking. I became cool overnight, or, what I thought was cool. I at least had friends and wasn't as invisible. I mean, that's what happens to 16 year olds with extremely low self esteem. I started down a path that scared the crap out of me, and I jerked myself out of it. I still do drink sometimes, but it is R-A-R-E. I can honestly say I have maybe, 2 times a year where I drink and enjoy myself out of the 6 times a year I drink. I've tried to tell my brother, and tried to just suggest that he maybe try therapy because he is as affected as me. He's not interested, he doesn't have a problem he says. *sigh*

I also do mimic my parents (particularly my mom's) bad behavior sometimes. It is a habit I try daily to break. It helps having my boyfriend as a brutally honest third party to tell me when I'm out of line so I'm more aware of what I'm doing. I will NOT be my mother. And this sounds weird, but if for any reason I don't think I can have kids and not be like my mother, then I won't have kids. That's where my mom screwed up, she wanted kids for her own selfish reasons without any regard to how her emotional issues would affect them. Yeah, I'm not doing that.
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