I'm having a really hard problem trying to own up to a problem and i really would appreciate any advice. this is a really personal (and kind of embarrassing) problem that i don't feel i can turn to any friends, family, or bring up at meetings.
(sorry in advance for the super long post)
Okay. Me and my best friend are estranged right now since the beginning of the this summer. We met in the 8th grade (almost 10 years ago), I see her as more of a sister, so trying to atone for my mistakes and gaining her forgiveness are very important to me. A lot of problems arose with my drinking; i put a lot of stress on the relationship with constantly getting out of control and taking advantage of her kindness and patience. I'd drink to the point where I would mistreat her: call her names, cry, and put her in a position where she'd have to take care of me afterward because I'd get so drunk. Basically, i've been a pretty terrible person to her. Looking back, i am so ashamed and full of guilt on the things I've put her through, and I'm honestly surprised she put up with my antics for so long. I know that I probably don't deserve to be forgiven, but it would really hurt me if she left my life permanently. I'm trying not to use my alcoholism as any kind of justification for how badly I've treated her, but the tension in our relationship got noticeable when i began drinking again (about 2 years ago). I attended my first aa meeting today, to begin to address the problem and start my sobriety so that when (or if) she forgives me, our friendship will be stronger and healthier (i'm also doing it for my benefit, obviously). Well, the problem is i am terrible with words. I am awkward, and i have problems expressing any emotions (I get uncomfortable, and have severe anxiety). I've already made the decision that i just need to get over it, and have asked her to lunch Thursday and plan to apologize then. I have no idea how to even go about this, I don't know what to do make her forgive all the things i did. I'm really trying to own up to my mistakes, and be a responsible adult but i'm honestly really afraid. I feel like she's the only person that has really genuinely cared for me; I can't believe how i messed up so hard and took that her for granted.
thanks to anyone who took the time to read all that.