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Am I horrible??

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Old 08-15-2010, 11:59 AM   #1
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Default Am I horrible??

I decided to make this it's own thread.

Craptastic! I'm kinda feeling like a jerk & a wanker & all that bad stuff....

I'm fat. I'm at least 40 pounds overweight. (50 lbs...??) My husband of 17 years is about 40-50 lbs overweight. I love him, of course, we've been together a long time & I know all his qualities both good and bad, and am quite aware of my own good/bad qualities as well. When we met we were both slim & trim (and yeah, younger!) Through the years we've faced all sorts of dilemmas, including weight gain.

While I want weight loss for health reasons (for both of us) I also want it for sexy/physical reasons. Am I wrong for that?!?!!?

Am I *WRONG* for not wanting him to be fat? I don't want *ME* to be fat, either! - I certainly don't like the extra weight on me...and I don't like it ON HIM either!

So... am I a jerk? Am I a wanker? I don't mean to be.
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Old 08-15-2010, 12:38 PM   #2
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Depends on what you mean by "want"--there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight for "vanity" reasons--I mean, it's okay to do things because we enjoy them. It's no more "wrong" than it's wrong to go to Six Flags because you want to ride the roller coasters.

That said, fixating on his weight can be bad for your marriage and it's a thought pattern I'd try to avoid. You can't do anything about his weight. If you start making a face (however slight) when you see him with his shirt off, hesitating to touch him when you make love . . .these sorts of things are poison to a marriage.

To put it another way, how would you react if he made this post on some message board? I'd be pretty devastated. There's nothing wrong with wishing he'd lose weight, but I would try to avoid obsessing over it. Nothing good can come of that.
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:00 PM   #3
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I had the same issue but I wanted my boyfriend to diet because then there wouldn't be any temptation in the house for me. He used to eat at 3 in the morning after we got back from going out drinking. I would try to just go to bed but he would pressure me to eat...sometimes literally forcing me to eat. Now that he is dieting too I don't have any excuses not to eat better.

I don't think you're a bad person but he's going to have to want to diet and exercise for himself. If he starts just because you want him to he'll quit/fail before any progress is made. Be patient he'll probably see you enjoying your life more because you're healthier and want that too hope this helps
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:44 PM   #4
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In sickness and health takes in thin and fat, too. You really shouldn't be judging him. Set a good example, provide nutritious food, and let him decide when he's ready to lose weight.
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Old 08-15-2010, 02:28 PM   #5
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Sometimes focusing on someone else's weight is a way to distract you from your own. "I'm worried about you, so I can have a break from worrying about me without feeling guilty about it." Of course no one thinks that or it wouldn't happen.

Sometimes a little closer to the surface is the thought "If you worked on your weight, it would make my life so much easier because I could focus on me without having to worry about you too. It's your fault that I can't devote 100% of my energies on my own issues.

They're both reasons to allow yourself off the hook, at least temporarily. And there may be nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't let it interfere with your responsibility to yourself, and as long as it doesn't lead to reasentment of your husband for the distraction you're allowing it to cause you. As long as you don't allow it to push you into pushing your husband to keep up with your weight loss pace rather than take his own (which at this point, might not be at all... yet).

My husband and I are each 135 to 150 lbs overweight. When we met from a personal ad I placed, we were each about 200 lbs overweight, so we've made progress. In my personal ad, I described myself thoroughly (with humor) and emphasized that I was dieting and looking for someone who was in the same boat, or sympathetic to the weight loss battle - someone who could accept me thin, fat and everywhere in between.

We're both struggling with our weight and with being a support for the other without using support as an excuse to blame (or an excuse to leave our own weight loss path in order to hound the other about theirs).

I've discovered that there may be no such thing as a pure motive or a 100% clear one. When I worry about my husband, it's not just for him, it's for me too. And sometimes I don't even realize that worrying about him is giving me a break from worrying about me, so for me I need to keep away from that topic as much as I can. I can only handle one weight loss journey at a time, and it's more productive if I'm thiking about the one I can change.
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Old 08-15-2010, 02:31 PM   #6
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I don't get it? Have you asked him to join you in your weight loss efforts and he's telling you to go jump in a lake or something? Is he refusing you and telling you he wants to stay fat? Are you nagging him into losing weight with you? Since you just say you don't want him fat, it's really hard to give any kind of advice except for that you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink.

Also, since you've pretty much just begun, and have quite a ways to go, maybe he's just waiting on you to follow through. Since he's a guy and all, he can probably lose that 40-50 pounds in about 1/3 of the time it's going to take you to lose your last 40-50. Maybe he doesn't want to start until you are near your goal so you don't feel bad.
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Old 08-15-2010, 02:34 PM   #7
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There's nothing wrong with wanting him to be happy and healthy!

When my husband came back from his last deployment he had lost a lot of weight. He was so confident and happy, he wanted to go out and do things. We played tennis every weekend and ate healthy together and it was awesome! Then he switched jobs and was really stressed and had later hours and less PT and he started gaining weight because he would never eat breakfast nor pack a lunch, then come home and eat and eat and eat because he was so hungry! His mood changed, he wasn't as confident, his clothes didn't fit the way he liked and he hardly wanted to do anything on the weekend. Which, could be attributed to the added stress of the new job... but I think we all know that exercise is a great stress reliever.

Anyways, it wasn't his weight that made me unhappy. It was what came WITH the added weight. Most specifically his mood change and unwillingness to enjoy time doing things other than sitting around.

We talked about it, and I expressed what I wanted for our life together. I want us to be happy and healthy and fit together. I don't want us to suffer from diabetes (runs in his family) or heart disease and high blood pressure (runs in mine). I want us to be there to see our great grand babies (even though we don't have kids yet!).

I think by making it NOT about his looks, he was much more understanding and willing to make changes. I love my husband unconditionally but I want us to be able to spend as much time together as possible, that's why I want us both to be healthy and fit.
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Old 08-15-2010, 03:45 PM   #8
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I'd also like my fiancé to be a bit more healthier.
We've set a plan that when we move in together,
we're both going to go to the gym and such. My
fiancé also has a well-built frame, so it's very easy
to picture him being a fireman, in the military, etc.
I don't think it's wrong for you to want him to be
healthier. But you still have to love him for all that
he is or isn't. He'll start losing weight on his own terms,
or maybe he's content on not losing weight. Which
ever he chooses just support him with it.


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Old 08-15-2010, 04:12 PM   #9
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Yes
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Old 08-15-2010, 04:44 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuilterInVA View Post
In sickness and health takes in thin and fat, too. You really shouldn't be judging him. Set a good example, provide nutritious food, and let him decide when he's ready to lose weight.
I agree with this.
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Old 08-15-2010, 04:51 PM   #11
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If you really want to drive yourself totally completely bonkers insane, just try setting a goal for someone else.

Come to think of it, that will drive them insane as well.

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Old 08-15-2010, 04:59 PM   #12
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I don't think there is anything horrible about not wanting your spouse to be fat.

Mine is not - but he plays too many video games. Do I want him to stop playing so much? Sure... but he was like that when I met him and it's a part of who he is, so I suck it up and accept it as the way he always was.

There's no woman on this forum with a more crushed spirit than one whose husband or partner says they are too fat and they are no longer attracted. Men do have feelings - they just might not show it as much (or play the "jolly fat guy" routine). It does hurt them.

So think what you want, but he is who he is - and who you new when you met him, right? So let it be. If he chooses to change, that's his choice.
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:18 PM   #13
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When someone asks "am I horrible for..." it invariably means they're feeling guilty (or they wouldn't be questioning). Usually they want permission or forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with either, unless it's used as a rational to avoid addressing any true issue that might exist.

Whenever you're feeling guilty only you can decide whether it's irrational guilt, or guilt over something you can and should change.

A desire can be wrong, but usually the greater wrong is a result of actions based on the desire, not the desire itself. Wanting your husband thin, can be innocent or it can be destructive - based on what you do with that desire. Does it prevent you from being as loving and supportive as you can be? Do you allow it to rationalize destructive behavior like nagging? Does it strengthen or weaken your relationship?

Those are the questions you need to answer for yourself. "Is it horrible?" is a question better answered by what you do with those feelings, than the feelings themselves.
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:20 PM   #14
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the funny thing about this post is that if the sexes got reversed here: a woman writing her husband wanted her to lose weight (yeah, for health, but for appearance reasons as well), and he's overweight too...and I've seen a few of those posts...I probably would have immediately felt POed about it. With a woman, I pondered it more. Guess that's from my own history!

I agree with Quilter and JayEll.
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:35 PM   #15
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"I also want it for sexy/physical reasons."

It sounds like you are wanting that physical attraction spark back you use to have. Nothing is wrong with that.
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