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Advice needed (it's about a boy!)

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Old 08-06-2010, 07:54 PM   #1
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Default Advice needed (it's about a boy!)

This is a long story so before I even start I would like to thank all of you that make it to the end! I know your time is valuable. I'm just going to start at the very beginning.

Flashback to grade 10, about 5 years ago. I met this guy. Well, I had seen him around school before but this was the first time we'd had a couple classes together. We became acquaintances. I wouldn't quite say friends because the only time we really talked was in class. And being 200+ lbs I didn't have the confidence to pursue a friendship. He is also very, very shy and self-conscious so he didn't do anything either (he has no reason to be either of those things though). However, in grade 11 and 12 our relationship progressed. At this point we had become good friends.

When it came time to life after high school, of course we went to the same university. He was in engineering though so for the first semester as he was adjusting to his intense schedule I didn't see him at all and we only talked every once in a while. However, second semester (January 2009), he started emailing me more frequently and kept trying to make plans to see me. By more frequent emails I mean at least a few times a week. So, we finally picked a day to meet up. At this point we hadn't seen each other since high school ended (June 2008) and during that 6 months I had lost about 15 pounds. He came to pick me up from lecture and when he first saw me he just stared at me without saying anything and then he was like let's go and took me to his "Secret" study spot. I had a friend in high school who I used to always be with, let's call her Jenny. She was and still is one of my best friends. After about an hour or so of hanging out with him he says to me "So does Jenny look different too?" I was like "I don't know why are you asking?" He goes "because you look different so I figured you had both changed". I asked him what he meant by different. He goes "I don't know". I said to him well you just told me I look different so you must have meant something. He goes "I don't know, just different". I asked him if it's a good different or a bad different. He responds saying "Don't worry it's a very good different". I found this to be quite random and didn't know how to take it. So every so often after that we would meet up at school and hang out for a few hours. However, with our busy schedules we ended up hanging out just once or twice a month. This was also when I started seeing him in a I-want-to-be-more-then-friends way but I figured it's just a little crush I'll eventually get over it. Also, considering my weight, I think this was probably the first time a guy told me I looked like a "good different" and actually meant it. After this he emailed me all the time it was just so hard to get him outta my head.

Anyways, by March of that year it was time to pick summer courses and he told me to pick a schedule for him that would allow us to have breaks together so we could see each other at least twice a week. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to make it work (because I wanted to see him too) our schedules just didn't overlap. I only had school twice a week last summer anyways. However, his solution to see me was to wait an extra two hours those two days to come home with me. Also, he would always bus me home and then go home himself. Once again, this was the first time a guy was making this kind of effort with me so I was obviously falling hard for him. However, once again I had no confidence to make anything more of it. To make matters worse, he was pretty much my best friend now. Also, sometimes there were things he did that just made it feel like my feelings were reciprocated. But like I said, he also is lacking in the self-confidence area.

So when it came time to fall semester, once again our schedules did not clash. We saw each other twice from September-December 2009. Although, we did talk at least once a day and usually more. All in the forms of email and MSN. And when we did talk it was usually for hours. I was still not over him. I was just falling harder and harder for him and once again a lot of the times he sometimes did things that made me think he wanted more too. He was just so sweet and always there for me it was hard not to like him as more then a friend.

When it was time to choose classes for January 2010 he made me pick a class we can both take together. I finally found one that worked for both of us and this meant we would basically see each other every Friday for about 5 hours. As soon as semester started I realized exactly how great he is. Not only did I see him every Friday but many times a week he would come early to school or leave later just to hang out with me. Also, on nights that I would have a late lab or a late test he would stick around for many hours just so I wouldn't have to take transit alone late at night. No one had ever given me this much attention or cared for me this much before. This was also when I started calorie counting to lose weight and he was the most supportive person in my life. He was by-far my biggest cheerleader every step of the way.

Now, here we are, since spring semester ended I haven't seen him this whole summer. But, that's my fault. I have just been so busy with school (5 days a week) and work that I haven't had time for anyone. He's tried hanging out with me many times but it just doesn't work out. Despite all this and being incredibly busy, I still think about him every day. This might have to do with the fact that I talk to him every day but it's not just that. I had become so attached to him last semester that it made school so hard this semester not having him there for me all the time. I feel like now it's not an issue of me wanting him in my life but rather me NEEDING him. To make matters worse, he's going to a different university this fall.

Ok, the whole point of this post now that you have the entire backstory is that I need advice. I promised him that as soon as semester ends and I've written my last exam I will do something with him. I obviously want to as well. However, looking back, it's been about a year and a half now since I've developed feelings for him and they're just getting deeper and deeper. I literally can't get him out of my mind. So, what I'm thinking is, when I see him in 2 weeks I'm just going to tell him. I've lost a lot of weight and have become more confident. Not to mention, I've lost over 20 lbs since the last time I saw him.

I've asked many friends about this and pretty much everyone's response is that no guy would put that much effort into seeing a girl if he didn't want more and that I should just tell him. However, me being the devil's advocate, I always point out that maybe he's just a really nice friend. But then they point out the fact that whenever I'm with him and another male friend is texting me he gets extremely jealous. Or if we're hanging out together and a guy comes and talks to me even if it's just someone in class asking me a question he gets really jealous then as well. Everyone says that because he's a really shy guy he doesn't feel confident enough to ask me.

What holds me back isn't the thought of being rejected, but rather that me telling him and him not liking me back might make things awkward. Knowing me, I would probably feel awkward. When I think about this I just feel very selfish. It's really unfair to both us if I ruin the relationship we have just because I wanted more from it. He's one of my best friends and if my relationship with him did get ruined I don't think I'd forgive myself.

What I wanna know is, what would you do? If you were in my situation would you tell the guy? It's just been so long and I feel like enough is enough I'm an adult I should put it out there. I just want to get some advice from people who can look at the situation as outsiders. Once again, thanks for listening to my story.
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:59 PM   #2
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Such a cute story and I can just see you guys being this cute couple everybody is jealous of. I will say go for it. I really don;t have time to write a lot but I have read your whole story and I will write a long reply later but for now I will say 'GO FOR IT'
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:39 PM   #3
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This limbo stuff... what's that all about? Life is short! Take charge of your destiny!

Just ask him "Hey, I'm thinking about stepping up my dating life. And being friends with opposite sex singles is sometimes weird so let's clear this up... What category do you want me to put you in? Are you filed in the "potential date" category or are you in the "good friend only" category?"

If he says friend -- then you say "Cool. We're friends. So... what do you think? How are you handling the dating thing?"

If he says "date" -- then you say "Cool. We're friends that might date. So I'll think about asking you out sometime."

Easy peasy.

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Old 08-06-2010, 09:42 PM   #4
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I think what might work is try asking him open ended questions about how he feels about you, what he likes about your friendship, about you etc. This way you can gauge if you feel comfortable with telling him no matter his response. It also might prepare him for you telling him, and open him up to maybe tell you how he feels about you.

I too don't think anyone would exert so much energy into keeping you as a friend if he didn't really like you. There is a chance that it's just as friends, but there's also a chance that he was just too shy to open up as you are.

I think if you don't have this conversation, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering "what if." I worked in Hospice for a while, and something I learned is regrets on your death bed are no fun. Everyone has them, and you have to make your life the best you can
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:57 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by astrophe View Post
This limbo stuff... what's that all about? Life is short! Take charge of your destiny!

Just ask him "Hey, I'm thinking about stepping up my dating life. And being friends with opposite sex singles is sometimes weird so let's clear this up... What category do you want me to put you in? Are you filed in the "potential date" category or are you in the "good friend only" category?"

If he says friend -- then you say "Cool. We're friends. So... what do you think? How are you handling the dating thing?"

If he says "date" -- then you say "Cool. We're friends that might date. So I'll think about asking you out sometime."

Easy peasy.

A.
I really like this straightforward approach. Guys can be kind of thick-headed, so even though women would understand the whole "open-ended question" thing, I don't know if most guys would get where you were headed with that.

I like the straightforward approach, and I like the way apostrophe worded it. That way, things won't be weird if he says "friends"....but I'm guessing that's not what he's going to say.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:37 PM   #6
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I'm pretty sure he wants to be more
than friends as well. GO FOR IT!
I've had my experiences of dating a
good guy friend and then it failing and
we never talk anymore, but I don't ever
regret taking the chance with it. When I
dated them I saw who they TRULY were.
One guy was sweet and stayed friends
with me even after the breakup, while
another guy went all hay-wire and never
wants to speak to me again! I think it
really shows who's worth being in your
life and who's not. Take the chance.

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Old 08-08-2010, 02:10 AM   #7
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Thanks for all the advice. Pretty much everyone seems to be saying just go for it so I guess that's what I should do. I really hope things work out. Otherwise I'll feel like I wasted so much time but I can't really do anything about that now. Thanks again especially since it was such a long story. Ughh, I have two weeks to prepare myself for this.
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Old 08-08-2010, 02:20 AM   #8
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Yay go for it! But when you do, make sure you post on here the amazing way it turns out!!
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Old 08-08-2010, 02:24 AM   #9
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I loved reading your whole post, its so sweet! He definitely wants to be more than friends with you, because like others have pointed out, what guy would make that much of an effort to see you (coming to school early, staying late...and we all know that's just tiring, being at school all day) unless he really cared about you and wanted to be more than friends?
Keep us posted on what happens!! I'm eager to know now
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Old 08-08-2010, 02:37 PM   #10
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Fortune favors the bold. Go for it, and do it soon - don't waste time waffling over the what-ifs and maybes and could-bes.
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Old 08-10-2010, 02:12 PM   #11
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Ohhh yeees, go for it and let us know!
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Old 08-10-2010, 02:59 PM   #12
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Even if he doesn't want to be romantically involved, I hope you stay friends. I had a crush on a guy when I was 22 and I told him my feelings. He said that he wasn't interested. But we stayed friends, although I held a torch for him for many years.

Now, it's 18 years later and he is one of my closest friends. I went through a crisis recently and he almost literally saved my life. My friendship with him is the best thing that has happened. Over the past several years he has had many girlfriends and I have had many boyfriends. Our friendship has been much more stable than any romance.

Love between friends is a beautiful thing.

Good luck with your guy.
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:35 PM   #13
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I agree go for it and tell us the outcome this is so nice and yes I read the entire story.
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:09 PM   #14
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Hi - I'm married to an engineer, and I can honestly tell you that he would never have asked me out if it hadn't been for a friend of mine and a friend of his working behind the scenes to make it happen. It was a lot of "He'll never ask me" and "She doesn't want me to ask" back & forth with intermediaries. My engineer is extremely shy and it took a pretty big shove to get him to ask me (and I'm horribly shy also - I'm not sure how we got married ). Just tell him how you feel; my bet is that he feels the same. What you're describing is sorta how engineers date anyway; are you sure that you're not already dating him?
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:23 AM   #15
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Hey I just wanted to see what happened with you and that guy?!
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