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Old 08-02-2010, 06:35 AM   #1
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Exclamation A delicate subject

I feel a bit embarrassed/shy about asking about this on here, but there's always great advice being given on here so here goes.

I recently lost my virginity to my bf (I'm 20), prior to this we'd just cuddled a lot, then started experimenting with oral and generally exploring a bit more.
That was quite nice, but since we had sex I have felt myself pulling away from him emotionally and physically, and he's noticed it too. I have felt kind of empty since it happened tbh, where I always assumed I'd feel good.
I care about him a lot, and I know he does me, he says he loves me and I don't doubt that. I'm worried I may have acted more on his feelings than mine?
I don't exactly regret it but I wish I didn't feel so different. Since it happened we don't kiss or hug as much as we used to, and I just feel different somehow.
He said when we talked about it that he was glad we at least got the first time out the way, and I found that to be a strange way to think about it.

Is it normal to feel this way after? I don't really have much experience with this kind of thing and I'm feeling a little lost and confused over it.
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:00 AM   #2
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He probably said what he said because there can be a lot of anxiety and worry over the first time (whether it's a first for one of you or both). I think it is normal to feel differently after because there seems to be an anticlimax (no pun intended). So much attention and pressure is put on the act of having sex that when it's done, it seems there's nowhere to go from there. Almost like you've taken things as far as you can. You and your bf may want to consider couples counselling to help sort out some of the complex feelings that you're going through. I'm sorry this has been so confusing for you, but you're not alone. A lot of people have felt the same way you do, all though the first is somewhat different for everyone. I think this is especially true if the experience was not everything you expected it to be. Good luck to you and your bf.
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Old 08-02-2010, 10:20 PM   #3
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I was 14 when I lost my virginity to my now
fiancÚ and we haven't had sex since (we're almost
16 and 17 now). It wasn't anything exciting- in fact,
it hurt a lot. Afterwords, I kept having anxiety about
getting pregnant. Even though we had used protection,
I was STILL wired up and worried. We too pulled a bit
apart from it just because I was anxious. But we
eventually got passed it and to be quite frank, I'm
in no hurry to do it again. I think it's perfectly
normal and in time things will be normal for the both
of you.
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Old 08-03-2010, 05:33 AM   #4
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Thanks for the replies both
I can relate jemappellesierra, I've also been very nervous over pregnancy since condoms aren't 100%, but reluctant to use the pill because of possible weight gain...
Good to know it's not unheard of, I'll give it some time before going there again! Hopefully time will fix the anxiety and different feelings.
I guess this just isn't what I expected after everything thats said about it.
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Old 08-03-2010, 12:46 PM   #5
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**WARNING - cynical woman who has been badly burned by every man she's ever dated so probably best to read then ignore :P **

Maybe you realised what me and my ex did - sex is really really boring and the buildup is more fun. My first time was like '...and that's it?' and, wow, it just got more and more boring.

If you feel yourself pulling away from each other maybe you have to ask yourself if he's with you because he loves you or if he's with you just because he wanted to have sex with you. If there's nothing 'there' after you've Done The Deed then you guys need to sit down and really think about it.

/end cynical advice.
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Old 08-03-2010, 01:03 PM   #6
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Give it some time. The first time is never fireworks and magical. It's a bunch of fluids and friction really. I think there's a difference between a bodily function and your actual feelings. It can take awhile to connect the two of them. I think we are also falsely led to believe through the magic of the media that it is going to be wonderful and life changing. Speaking as an oldtimer, I can tell you I thought it kind of sucked for a long time- like years. And I was kinda ticked off because it seemed to me at the time that men enjoyed intercourse way more than women. I likely wasn't ready. But things change. Maybe just give it some time and you'll likely both enjoy yourselves.
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Old 08-03-2010, 02:31 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wysteria View Post
If you feel yourself pulling away from each other maybe you have to ask yourself if he's with you because he loves you or if he's with you just because he wanted to have sex with you.

She knows he loves her so there's no need
to ask herself that unless she truly feels that way.
For me personally it was just a matter of time and
I felt like it was something we were never going to
get over. I remember telling him, "I've never been
so happy to get my period!"



Quote:
Originally Posted by Wysteria View Post
If there's nothing 'there' after you've Done The Deed then you guys need to sit down and really think about it.

I think that nothing being "there" is normal.

I do, however, feel that it's best to talk to
him about it as well. When I talked to my fiancÚ
about it he understood and his #1 concern was
that I was okay. Which is why now all I have to
do is tell him that I don't want to have sex again
yet and he's completely fine with it.
If he truly loves you then he should listen to you
and hear your concerns. It doesn't hurt to bring
it up and to talk about it. Who knows, it may
even bring you closer and fill in the emptiness
because you got it off your chest.
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Old 08-03-2010, 04:11 PM   #8
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It sounds to me like you most likely weren't really ready, and that you are distancing yourself from him to kind of keep from having sex again, if that makes sense. You say that you feel empty, and, unfortunately,it's relatively normal. I think the best thing that you can do is sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him that you're not as prepared as you thought you were, and you'd like to back things up a little. Reassure him that it has nothing to do with him, but, you want a little more time before going down that avenue again. There's nothing wrong with you, or your relationship. You just need a little more time is all.

And, take a little time to figure out how you feel about sex- why do you want to have it? Physical? Emotional? Felt like it was just time? Then compare that to what you think sex is supposed to be, what you think its purpose is in a relationship, how you think it will make you feel. Compare that against your actual experience, and you should have some better answers for yourself.
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Old 08-03-2010, 04:42 PM   #9
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[quote=jemappellesierra;3418791]
She knows he loves her so there's no need to ask herself that unless she truly feels that way.


Maybe but the way she worded it, it sounds like he was thinking 'hey, we've done it now, now I don't have to try any more.'. Which is typical bloke response. Yay, he got what his hormones wanted, now he isn't going to bother, he's going to find someone else and try to get in HER pants.

Again, pardon my cynicism, but men are programmed to procreate. They enjoy the thrill of the chase and once they've done it once, they'll want to move on. I have no doubt there are men out there that will be happy to stay with the same woman more than once but in my experience, they're just randy little buggers who are more concerned about the actual act of sex itself than any feelings attached to it.

Yeah, I don't believe in all this 'love' stuff. If you do, great, but when you attract losers and ONLY losers, it's hard to see the positive side.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:25 PM   #10
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[quote=Wysteria;3418989]
Quote:
Originally Posted by jemappellesierra View Post

She knows he loves her so there's no need to ask herself that unless she truly feels that way.


Maybe but the way she worded it, it sounds like he was thinking 'hey, we've done it now, now I don't have to try any more.'. Which is typical bloke response. Yay, he got what his hormones wanted, now he isn't going to bother, he's going to find someone else and try to get in HER pants.

Again, pardon my cynicism, but men are programmed to procreate. They enjoy the thrill of the chase and once they've done it once, they'll want to move on. I have no doubt there are men out there that will be happy to stay with the same woman more than once but in my experience, they're just randy little buggers who are more concerned about the actual act of sex itself than any feelings attached to it.

Yeah, I don't believe in all this 'love' stuff. If you do, great, but when you attract losers and ONLY losers, it's hard to see the positive side.
That's an awful lot of generalizing. I'm sorry you feel that way about men and I hope you give one the chance to prove you wrong!

Last edited by PapayaMule : 08-03-2010 at 06:27 PM.
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Old 08-03-2010, 08:21 PM   #11
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It's normal to feel a bit... deflated or think "THAT was all the fuss?"

Like with all other things, it takes practice to get good. And I don't mean only managing the physical mechanics of sex but managing the emotions of sex.

So much attention is placed on "losing virginity" and "orgasm" in media, books, movies, friend's crazy stories... not a whole lot is mentioned about the "Now what?" so people are prepared for the slight deflated thing after the first time.
Not a whole lot about the interim time either. The "Ok, first time over. Now we're hunting the fireworks. Not finding them...What do we do in the meantime?"

While I hope things work out for you two, even older people go back to square one if they are in subsequent relationships and can feel a bit blah.

I was totally ready for sex, and I was prepared for the blah. It took then BF/now DH and I at least year to find out where the fireworks were for us and develop our bedroom manners.

Towards the end of that period, a friend of mine was thinking about breaking up with her BF because he wasn't a fireworks guy like a previous BF and I pointed out that she'd only been with new BF for a little bit and she'd been with the old one a while. It takes time to "learn" a new lover. She'd simply forgotten how it feels to be in the blah place and intead of thinking "Oh, it's just the normal blah space" she was thinking "Man, I must not love him any more" and was freaking out. She calmed down, remembered the blah phase, and later married him. I assume they found their fireworks in the end.

Try to not stress too much about it. I think it's a normal stage. You both need a little space and time to process it. To me it sounds like he was worrying about performance anxiety or something with the first time so he feels like that part of it has lifted for him.

I remember it was like the Weather Channel with constant updates when we were that age and first became lovers and trying to figure each other out. "That's good... no, not keen on that. How's this working for you? Wait... hang on. I feel hot/cold/thirsty...YOW! that was some COLD lube! I'm sleepy now... can we raincheck?"

We don't have that sort of talk any more because we've moved past that stage already.

But again... you sound normal to me for your age and stage.

GL!
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:03 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PapayaMule View Post

That's an awful lot of generalizing. I'm sorry you feel that way about men and I hope you give one the chance to prove you wrong!
Nope, I've given up. And I've given plenty of men plenty of chances to prove me wrong and all that's happened is I've ended up with my emotions shot to pieces. I refuse to go through that again so, well, cats it is At least they're loyal.
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:27 PM   #13
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Sex is sex, and when it is just sex it often leaves you with that empty feeling.
Making love to someone when you are in a deeply committed relationship, and you are ready for that next step, is entirely different.

I would suggest that, first and foremost, you have this discussion with him, he needs to know how you feel. And dont expect him to have the same feelings or to 100% understand yours. He wont, nor will you understand him 100%. But you need to listen to each other and respect each other.
This may be a time where you go back to where you were before. Set that line, that you dont cross for right now. Just because you did once does not mean you have to continue. And by having that conversation you are not being a 'tease'.
Yes, getting that first time out of the way is a good thing, I know very few people where it was great. BUT in time, and more importantly in a trusting, matured relationship, it gets GOOD, really good. Alot of that has to do with knowing each other, but also knowing yourself and being able to express what you want and dont want.
To build relationship, I would highly suggest reading "Five Love Languages" together. Get to know how he really speaks his love to you, and how you receive love best and vise versa. (touch, gifts, affirmation, acts of service, time) MOST people will say that every guy's love language is physical touch, and that is very wrong!

Just a few suggestions, great job at being authentic with yourself and knowing that there has to be more! There really is, but it takes time!
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:54 PM   #14
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I would encourage you not to really fret about what is normal and what isn't. Sex is...well, completely different for everyone. We all want it at different times, for different reasons, in different ways. Some people need an emotional connection to have good sex...other people, not at all.

I agree with the others that the first time has been overrated and overanalyzed and dramatized by media and other sources. A lot of people won't admit that they had bad, clumsy, embarassing, awkward sex, so keep that in mind if anyone shares their first time experience with you and it sounds too good to be true. My first time was...sad and stupid and a waste and definitely not enjoyable. I'd bet good money I'm not alone in that boat.

I know the deflated feeling after sex. I've never been able to put my finger on where it comes from exactly, but I've only ever had it after I had somewhat meaningless sex. I'm not saying that your experience or relationship is meaningless...but I guess...maybe something is missing?

Sex will change the dynamic of a relationship. Even though, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a HUGE deal, there is enough pressure and anxiety and anticipation and emotion tied to it that it's bound to have an impact. Maybe you regret it, maybe the motives were wrong or it wasn't what you thought it would be, maybe it changed the way you felt or you didn't feel like it to begin with and did it to please him...

Either way, I say you might want to put the physical stuff on the backburner for now and really focus on yourself emotionally and just nurturing your relationship with your guy. Good luck...and sorry my response was so long, I got a little carried away.

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