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Any stepmoms out there?

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Old 07-21-2010, 02:58 PM   #1
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Default Any stepmoms out there?

After careful consideration, I've realized I'm the only person I know who is in my current situation: dating / living with a man who has a child.
I would really like to get to know other women who are in this position. It has been extremely challenging at times, and none of my single friends, or friends with biological children, can quite understand the challenges I face.
Just looking to see who out there is a 'stepmom' - thanks!!
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Old 07-21-2010, 04:45 PM   #2
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Hi! I can understand! I am a stepmom to a 7 year old boy. I've been married only half a year and with my husband for almost 3 years.

It truly is a challenge. My husband's son is only with us every other weekend and my role seems not firm sometimes. It's so hard to know how to involve myself in the process of raising a child when I wasn't there for half of his life and when he has his biological mother. Jumping into raising a child halfway through their life is completely overwhelming sometimes.

I have only come across one other person in my situation who I've been able to talk to about it and it helps so much. I'm here if you want to talk (or rant!)
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Old 07-22-2010, 01:05 PM   #3
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I do, I do, I do! haha
Thanks for the reply!
My boyfriend and I have dated for almost nine months. It's serious though, and I expect that we'll be together for a long time.
I moved in about a month ago, but we had been 'unofficially' living together for probably two or three months.
At the beginning, the child (who is five...almost six) was pretty bad, but then he got better and was super friendly for a long time. Now, it's getting bad again, but he's also being bad to his father and mother. So I guess that makes me feel better, since it isn't just towards me. Ha.
I am reading, "Stepmonster" right now, and it's full of good insight. Also, these articles were helpful, and dead on, in my opinion, in a lot of places.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue...-why-step.html

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/perso...say/index.html

http://www.siskiyous.edu/class/engl12/stepmom.htm -- (my favorite)

My biggest complaint, in transitioning from a single person without kids...is probably the loss of sleep. =) He wakes me up at 6 am on Saturdays, and generally almost nightly otherwise...well, I should say he wakes his father up...since his father takes care of whatever the problem is...but in the process, I am woken up, and usually can't get back to sleep for two hours. I know he's in there, sleeping again within five minutes. This leads me to resent him, and his father, a little bit. I'M not the one who had a kid, but I'm woken up all the time by one! And there's a little bit of the 'constant reminder of boyfriend's past life/marriage' with this awful woman who hurt him so badly...I don't blame the kid for that, since he didn't do anything, but then I resent the boyfriend ever so slightly for reminding me that he was married to someone else. I have never been married. ....so, I don't know. Does that make sense? I feel like I've gotta put up with his baggage, though I don't present any baggage to him. Then, of course, I feel like i've gotta get along with this kid, even if he's a jerk sometimes, because he's obviously #1 in his dad's life, and if I don't, boyfriend will tell me to take a hike. (He has never threatened to, but we did break up once for a week when he was 'too overwhelmed to be everything to everyone')
So, I don't know. It's definitely more difficult than I'd anticipated. Kids love me. I don't have any idea why this one gives me trouble like this. I don't compete with his mother...I get along with her...I don't compete for his father's time (at all!) and I guess I just don't know what's up. I think he's questioning authority in general right now, and it's annoying.
Thanks for the vent session!
I understand exactly what you mean about coming into a life halfway through it. Our roles are kind of gray. I hope the articles I posted may help.
Do you want to keep in touch here, on Facebook, personal email? Just let me know.
Thanks again! Hope your day is going well!!
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Old 07-22-2010, 01:19 PM   #4
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I live with my boyfriend and he has a 13 year old son. His son doesn't live with us though. My situation is tense and difficult and quite honestly uncomfortable for me though I won't get into the details here :/
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Old 07-22-2010, 01:25 PM   #5
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Fresno you are reading my mind! Your rant is way too similar to my rant! Do you have msn messenger?
Onederchic-how long have you been dating your boyfriend? Do you have an every other weekend type arrangement or something else?
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Old 07-22-2010, 01:48 PM   #6
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Victoria

We have been dating 7 years though 5 of those were very long distance. I moved in with my bf July 2008 and I didn't even meet his son until July or August 2009. He has his son every other weekend but they stay at my bf's parents house. His son has stayed 2 nights here but he has told my bf he hates our dog and he would rather stay at my bf's parents. I am sure the dog is part of the reason because the dog is a brat but I am also sure his son doesn't like the idea of me being here when he is having his "dad time". He has never been rude to be or anything but things are usually uncomfortable and tense in the house.
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Old 07-22-2010, 04:02 PM   #7
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Hi hunny,

I'll explain my situation to you, I think it is rather unique, and hopefully we can get to know each other and give each other advice.

A little over 4 years ago I moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband). We met while working at our local casino. He had full custody of his two children (at the time they were 11 months old and 2 years old). He was recently divorced after a long seperation and his ex-wife was awarded supervised visitation at our home for four hours every Sunday. (This was a HARD, HARD thing for me to live with when it first happened, I mean my boyfriends ex-wife in my home, around my husband and children who called me mama). This went on for two years, the first year she came to most of her visits, but did nothing but talk on her cell phone. DHS, and subsequently the courts, finally deemed her an unfit parent and deemed her as abandoning the children (since she quit showing up to her visitations all together) and her parental rights were terminated. She no longer is allowed to have visitation nor any contact with the kids (she was found to have abused them in several ways and it is just a long, long story). Anyways, we are now married, have two children together and one on the way and I'm in the process of legally adopting my two oldest children (my step-children) who are now 5 and 6. It has been a long, long battle and it takes a special type of mom to be a stepmom!! Please, if you have questions or just want to talk, you can private message me anytime you like. Keep up the good work sweetpea!
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:45 PM   #8
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I survived being a stepmom! It is so hard - but for different reasons that being a bio or adoptive mom. All I can say is that it most assuredly is NOT for sissies and I'm happy that at least one of my boys remembers me on Mother's Day (which is silly, I know. It's the "everyday" that matters!)

Remember, being a stepmom is esp. hard because it is a relationship born of loss - either by divorce, separation or death. You are walking into the situation one-down. Having a supportive husband who really appreciates you and what you do for his children makes it doable.

I love my boys. It hasn't been smooth sailing but they are just about grown up now and I know they can look back and say that their stepmom loved them. Blood's thicker than water but Love's thicker than blood.

Also, if you are a stepmom without any of your own biological or adopted kids, you might want to visit the childless stepmoms website. Lots of gals with GREAT advice. Kinda like 3FC
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:58 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissKoo View Post
I survived being a stepmom! It is so hard - but for different reasons that being a bio or adoptive mom. All I can say is that it most assuredly is NOT for sissies and I'm happy that at least one of my boys remembers me on Mother's Day (which is silly, I know. It's the "everyday" that matters!)

Remember, being a stepmom is esp. hard because it is a relationship born of loss - either by divorce, separation or death. You are walking into the situation one-down. Having a supportive husband who really appreciates you and what you do for his children makes it doable.

I love my boys. It hasn't been smooth sailing but they are just about grown up now and I know they can look back and say that their stepmom loved them. Blood's thicker than water but Love's thicker than blood.

Also, if you are a stepmom without any of your own biological or adopted kids, you might want to visit the childless stepmoms website. Lots of gals with GREAT advice. Kinda like 3FC

Thanks for this, I am gonna check it out.
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:43 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fresno26 View Post
.....

My biggest complaint, in transitioning from a single person without kids...is probably the loss of sleep. =) He wakes me up at 6 am on Saturdays,

Yep...that's what kids do!


..... This leads me to resent him, and his father, a little bit. I'M not the one who had a kid, but I'm woken up all the time by one!

Your word "resent"....worries me...


And there's a little bit of the 'constant reminder of boyfriend's past life/marriage' with this awful woman who hurt him so badly

this will be constant for many more years to come...



... I feel like I've gotta put up with his baggage,

children are not baggage...



So, I don't know. It's definitely more difficult than I'd anticipated.

it WILL become more difficult!


Kids love me.

I have no doubt they do....but THOSE KIDS are not fighting you for the attention with your bf...


I don't have any idea why this one gives me trouble like this.

It is probably less you and more of the situation he has been thrown in to.
I am sure you feel like I am a jerk for dissecting your post...I mean no harm!

I speak from experience. Too complicated to deal with right here...but you are putting yourself into a very tough situation....I want you to really "think" about it...because of what you have posted....

I was a divorced dad that married a divorced mom...me a son 14....daughter 12...at the time...my wife, a daughter 7 at the time...

that was almost 16 years ago....long story short...my kids always got along just fine with my wife...my step-d always hated me...even though her mom and dad divorced when she wasn't quite 2 years old....she always resented me taking time from her with her mom...

it paid a very huge price for many years...and was very hard on all of us...

fortunately things are totally fine now....and have been...but only since my step-d became more of an adult and not a child...

all of our kids were 50/50 with the other parent and ALL of us parents got along and are still very active as co-parents even today...with the kids 29-27-22....

it can be tough under the BEST of divorced circumstances....

if you have any doubt...I ask you to reconsider your situation for ALL of your best interests....

I am sorry if I offended you in any way with my thoughts....
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Old 07-23-2010, 11:14 AM   #11
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My biggest complaint, in transitioning from a single person without kids...is probably the loss of sleep. =) He wakes me up at 6 am on Saturdays, and generally almost nightly otherwise...well, I should say he wakes his father up...since his father takes care of whatever the problem is...but in the process, I am woken up, and usually can't get back to sleep for two hours. I know he's in there, sleeping again within five minutes. This leads me to resent him, and his father, a little bit. I'M not the one who had a kid, but I'm woken up all the time by one! And there's a little bit of the 'constant reminder of boyfriend's past life/marriage' with this awful woman who hurt him so badly...I don't blame the kid for that, since he didn't do anything, but then I resent the boyfriend ever so slightly for reminding me that he was married to someone else. I have never been married. ....so, I don't know. Does that make sense? I feel like I've gotta put up with his baggage, though I don't present any baggage to him. Then, of course, I feel like i've gotta get along with this kid, even if he's a jerk sometimes, because he's obviously #1 in his dad's life, and if I don't, boyfriend will tell me to take a hike. (He has never threatened to, but we did break up once for a week when he was 'too overwhelmed to be everything to everyone')
So, I don't know. It's definitely more difficult than I'd anticipated. Kids love me. I don't have any idea why this one gives me trouble like this. I don't compete with his mother...I get along with her...I don't compete for his father's time (at all!) and I guess I just don't know what's up. I think he's questioning authority in general right now, and it's annoying.
Thanks for the vent session!
I understand exactly what you mean about coming into a life halfway through it. Our roles are kind of gray. I hope the articles I posted may help.
Do you want to keep in touch here, on Facebook, personal email? Just let me know.
Thanks again! Hope your day is going well!!
Boy oh boy do I know what your talking about! Except for the part about resenting the child. I've gotten upset with my husband before when things don't seem kosher. She's pitched fits in public when she doesn't want to go somewhere, and no punishment is given. She sasses her dad and gets mouthy with him and no punishment. But its his fault if things go downhill cause he's giving her permission to act like that.

She doesn't pull that crap with her mom or with me. Her mom punishes, her, and I will just drop what I am doing and bring her back home and no tv, or computer is allowed. Only had to do it once, and threaten once, and she's perfectly behaved with me.

I resent her mom sometimes too. I took her shopping one day and she bought this Mother/Daughter heart necklace in two pieces and joked about how her mom would freak out if she showed her, the daughter half, and told her there were two pieces and let her mom think she had given it to me. She laughed at how upset her mom would be at this, and I just wanted to break down and cry. I love her like she's mine, but I am ALWAYS reminded that she is another woman's child and she will always love her better than me. Thats the way it should be, and I shouldn't be jealous, but that situation made me cry to think I didn't have my own little girl who could love me best and no one could say anything about it. (Jeeze...typing that made me tear up again.)

Kids wake up early, and try to wake up the whole house with them. I did it when I was a child, so I can't be too upset with her for doing it.
When I started dating her dad and we became serious, I was introduced to her, and I just got on her level. I'm not above having pillow fights, and wrestling matches with her. We color and play games and talk frankly when we are upset at something done.
You said that he is giving his parents trouble right now too. You jumped into this boat with them, so I guess your going to have to deal with his issues just like they are.

I've gotten upset thinking about my husband's past love life too. He did a lot and had a lot in the past. He even gave his last wife a baby and I cant have one cause we can't afford it.

It makes me cry at times, no baby, vacations, or many material possions, but I stepped into my marriage, knowing I couldn't have those things. I chose him and promised for better or for worse, and the better outweighs the worse by a lot!! I have a cool stepdaughter who loves me, and a happy little family and I'm much happier than I ever was.


I am dreading the words, "Your not my mom! I don't have to listen to you!" She hasn't said them yet, but I know its comming. lol

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Old 07-23-2010, 11:33 AM   #12
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Victoria - Thanks for the reply! Unfortunately, I don't have any messengers right now. I do use Facebook a lot, and personal email. I would love to keep in touch! It seems as though we have quiiiiite a bit in common. =) Especially since the kids' ages are so close.

Onederchic - I'm sorry for what you have to go through. Did you check out any of the links I posted? A lot of them relieved guilt for me...if that makes sense. I think I had been making unrealistic expectations for myself in this situation.

Glenlorie and MisKoo - thanks so much to both of you for your advice and support! I will check out the childless stepmoms web site...I hadn't even thought that there would be a group especially for that. And I'm just glad to know that other people are going through this. I would like to keep in touch with both of you if you're interested.

EZMONEY - I don't even want to reply to you, but you've gotten me so hot under the collar that I feel I must. We obviously have very different opinions and thoughts on this topic. First of all, stepmoms versus stepdads = two completely different situations. Second, I DEFINITELY DO consider children to be baggage. What planet are you living on? I didn't say it was baggage that I'm not willing to deal with, or I wouldn't have began dating this heathen's father in the first place. Third, I am not going to 'reconsider' S**T, to put it bluntly. My boyfriend is wonderful and we have an amazing relationship, and kid or not, we are going to make it. This is, in part, the reason I have written to these lovely WOMEN - so I can vent, relate and share stories, and not let it stress me out, so it does not burden the relationship. I was being honest in saying that it leads me to resent them a bit. I didn't say a lot. But I'd be lying otherwise. Perhaps I'm being immature about it, but that's how I feel. And as far as, "That's what kids do!" - I have talked with three parents recently whose five year olds get up and watch cartoons on their own, without waking their parents up at an ungodly hour. So, there's a lot of room for compromise. Lastly, I don't necessarily agree that it will become more difficult. In fact, of the nine months of the relationship, there have been about four days total that have even been worth venting over. So....again, I just feel that we're coming from two totally different places, and I don't wish to discuss anything further with you.
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Old 07-23-2010, 11:47 AM   #13
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Was anyone else not super happy with EZMONEY's post? lol...I know I came off as a total jerk, but frankly I don't care. I came here for support...if I needed another person to NOT be on my side...well, I'm sure I could call a ton of other people...haha

Crystal, my heart goes out to you! I am sorry that you aren't planning on having a child of your own. It sounds like you'd be an excellent mother. It sounds like you thought about it and came to the conclusion that this life would be what you wanted, even if you don't get to have your own kid. Is that still the case? I hate to see people settle for any reason, and I'm glad you're happy, but I'm also super sad for you that you're seemingly not getting everything you want. I guess it's very difficult to have everything though, isn't it? I just hope you're really, really happy, and that maybe your stepdaughter can be enough like your own child. (I hope this is coming across well....the last thing I want to do is offend anyone.) To me, of course I'd prefer a boyfriend without a child and ex-wife, but he's so wonderful, I wouldn't change a thing. We are literally two peas in a pod, and he makes me so happy.

As far as the resentment, I talked with boyfriend about it, and explained to him that I do hold a slight amount of resentment, but since the child did not ask to be born, my resentment mainly goes right to the boyfriend. And I don't mean anything like crippling relationship type resentment....but any time the kid is nasty to me, or wakes me up super early, or his mother totally screws up our plans (via last minute who's-keeping-him-this-evening type things), I have a little resentment towards him for having a child with someone else, because obviously if he hadn't, we wouldn't be having these issues. I think it will be a LOT easier to raise a child of our own together, eventually.
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Old 07-23-2010, 12:02 PM   #14
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Also, I cannot reiterate enough that I am doing everything right, as often as possible.

I do NOT talk badly about his mother....ever.
I get along with her, and he knows that.

I am NOT competing with him for his father's time. In fact, I insist that they spend a ton of time together because a) I think they should spend a lot of time together and b) I'm independent and need alone time. There's very few hours of the week that the three of us are all doing something. He comes over three or four nights a week....he and his dad hang out, or he plays with the neighborhood kids, we, or they, have dinner, then he goes to bed.

I am NOT the primary disciplinarian. While I correct him if I see him doing something (minor) wrong, if it's a major concern, I let his father parent him.

Also, I'm super lucky because my boyfriend communicates well, is responsible and doesn't expect me to raise his child, and backs me up when I do contribute to the co-parenting.

One of my biggest concerns is that I still feel isolated at times, like I'm the intruder in this family...and it has been extremely difficult to come into this kid's life out of nowhere when he's five years old. It's just a tough spot to be in all the way around, really. I hope it will get easier in that regard. Many studies show things getting better after three or four years. (Here's hoping!)
I do anticipate that no matter how much he likes me, he will have a loyalty conflict with his biological mother.
So, I just thought I'd share the rest of my current thoughts.
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Old 07-23-2010, 12:11 PM   #15
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Hey Fresno...

From what I've seen of EZMoney, he's incredibly well meaning. I'm not trying to jump to anyone's defense. I checked out this thread because I'm sort of in the opposite situation (I'm a single mom dating a guy with no kids) and was just kind of curious about how you ladies feel about it and I couldn’t help but notice the tension…I really don’t think he meant any harm or offense and I actually do kind of agree with some of the things he said.

My kid is six and yes, he wakes me up sometimes earlier than I’d like him to, especially on the weekends…I remember doing that to my parents, too. I’d suspect that if you want him to get up and watch cartoons on his own or get his own breakfast or just entertain himself, you might have to help him learn to do it…

And it did sort of come across as if you were referring to his child as baggage. Sorry.

You got pretty ticked off over his post and I think maybe it was a little rash. Either way, everyone has their own opinions and is more than welcome to always post them and disagree…I don’t like the bickering though!! No fun!

I feel very sure that he means you no harm and took the time to respond to your post out of concern and interest...you should probably ease up on the replies though...3 already? Yikes...

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