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Fat people who've lost weight are so mean and judgemental - RANT

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Old 07-07-2010, 10:22 AM   #1
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Default Fat people who've lost weight are so mean and judgemental - RANT

So I am having coffee with a friend who has recenly lost a whole lote of weight. The waitress took a slice of cake to the lady at the next table. Now the lady was fairly large, so my friend says "urgh. No wonder she is so fat if she eats like that". I was floored!! Doesn't she remember that only lsat year she was in the same place as this woman?? And its not just her. I have come across this phenomenon more than once. Its like overweight people take so much crap and criticism and bullying all their lives that the minute they lose the weight they suddenly become these smug, mean people passing judgement like they belong to some exclusive club.

I should've said something but oddly enought I didnt want to hurt her feelings by reminding her that she used to be overweight, thinking that maybe this is what her self esteem needs. But then she starts telling me what I should eat and exercise and I got so mad I had to leave.

Anyway I am sorry I dont mean to generalise but i am so annoyed and normally I am a stress eater who eats her emotions so I thought a rant might keep me away from the cheese!! But I am sure there are understanding ex-chubbies out there... I just need to come across some!

Rant over...
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:32 AM   #2
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I actually find that former heavy people are more sympathetic than those who have never been. We've been in their shoes and we know what it's like. We know.

In fact when I am out with friends, there is this one particular man in our group who ALWAYS mentions SOMETHING negative and put down-ish (& MEAN) about overweight people. And I am always the first one to defend and shut him the heck up.

This particular person that you are speaking of, yeah, she is just out of line. I am happy to say that I can't recall coming across anyone like that. Sorry that you have. And me, I couldn't have kept quiet.

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Old 07-07-2010, 10:46 AM   #3
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The only way to break any bad habit/change any bad lifestyle is to recognize that you have control over it. Once you've recognized that you have control over it, it's hard not to transfer that to other people--to see that they have control, as well.

Most people manage to compartmentalize this--I know I have control, I can do this/ I am not in their head, I do not know what their challenges are--but I understand why some people don't. Accepting that other people may not be able to change might make you lose faith in your own ability. And that faith is crucial to success.
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:54 AM   #4
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Sometimes people like that still have problems accepting themselves and they view the weight on others as a threat as to what once was and what could be again.
By pointing fingers at others they are taking their own spotlight off themselves and their own struggle, even for a minute of self rest.
Internally she is probably scared that she will go back like quite a few do.

It's kind of like bullies. They turn attention to others who may be physically smaller or even mentally smarter in order to take the spotlight off themselves and their own insecurity.
I have a friend who has a gorgeous figure. She whines when she gains two pounds that "Ohhhh, I feel so fat" "Look at my tummy pooching out".....and there I stand over 300 pounds. I finally told her one day that she is huge and that I hope my tummy never pooches out that far.....she got a shocked look on her face and realized what was going on and apologized to me. She never complains about her tummy around me anymore.

So I would either tell your friend that she needs to only worry about herself and be a shining example, or you will be eating with others. Don't put yourself in jeopardy of emotional eating over her insecurities.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:02 AM   #5
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Society's views and stereotypes are so easy to fall into. I know when I became thinner, I Did sometimes judge fatter people, especially if I saw some of the unhealthy stuff they'd filled a trolley with. I never did that about meals: apart from "It's not your business", how does anyone know that the woman with the cake has not already lost a lot to get to the size she is, and that her WOE includes the occasional planned cake?

I would never, ever, ever say it out loud though: I'd hate myself if she heard; plus, fat or thin I'm passionate about challenging society's stereotypes about fat people, about me.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:05 AM   #6
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Some people are just judgemental and rude no matter how fat/thin they are or the situation.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:07 AM   #7
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So it sounds like your friend is rude...

I've lost a lot of weight and I sympathize with those that are where I used to be. It is a long hard road, I'd never judge someone even if they decided to have a piece of cake or this or that. Its a struggle and maybe that person has already lost 50 lbs and has a piece of cake once in a blue moon, how am I to know?

So don't judge people by your friends actions.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:13 AM   #8
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I'm guilty of this. I really have to be careful sometimes because I donít want to come across as if I am being judgmental. Iím not at all. I have no place to judge anyone else. There is only one difference between the me now and the me then (besides the physical differences, obviously): I have the knowledge now. I have learned SO much. And Iím very excited about it. And sometimes I forget that other people might be sensitive about their weight (as if Iím not, too) or might not want to hear my opinion or what cool thing I just learned or new work out Iíve done. It just comes out.

And I definitely have resentment towards my former fat self. Part of how I beat her up is by the way I talk to myself, but it also comes out when I make snarky comments about someone else. Iíve definitely made comments about what other people are eating and I shouldnít, ever. But I see that person sitting down and stuffing their faceÖI see their stomach spilling over their jeansÖand I see myself. And what I could easily be again if I just stopped trying for a while. The self that I hated, the body that I loathed. It all gets very mixed up together.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:16 AM   #9
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I agree with others in that some people are going to be judgemental no matter what size they are. It's possible that she still feels insecure about herself and feels like she has to be mean about others to boost her own self esteem. When I was sick with anorexia and under 100 lbs, I was the cattiest, meanest, most judgemental person you can imagine, even toward perfectly normal, healthy people, because I assumed everyone else hated my body as much as I did and would preemptively judge them to "get even". I've vowed never to judge anyone else by their size again, because after being bigger, I know what it feels like on both ends.

I think if someone said something like that in front of me, I would call them out on it, tell them I felt their comment was hurtful and inappropriate, and let them know I don't want to hear things like that in my presence again. Then again, I'm not the most tactful of people, and there is probably a better way to say it.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:27 AM   #10
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i have found it's a mixed bag. some people who have been overweight are very empathetic to others dealing with the same struggles. and some people who have been overweight become very critical and dogmatic.

those that become crtitical often have a sort of rigid and controlling attitude towards others. i am not sure if it is because they feel that way towards themselves on the inside, like constantly trying to walk this line of staying exactly where they need to be on whatever their plan is for fear of going back to where they were, and instead of dealing with that self-directed rigidity and control as something they just need or want for themsleves, they project it out onto others because it's secretly something they resent having to do themselves. or if it is the projection of some kind of self-hatred that was harbored for so long. or something else altogether. i don't know.

anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that somewhere along the line something changed for them internally that allowed them to be able to pursue health. but that until that thing occurred, which is different for most people, that "thing" might have felt like a mystery to them, and they might have marveled at how others were able to do it and wished that they were able to do it too. but until that thing occurs, whatever it is for each person (and "thing" is meant to generalize, it could actually be a "string of things," but nonetheless it is a chage of some sort), then i'm not sure that any amount of dogma or crticism is going to make someone have a revalation. so until that happens there is often not much that can be put in the place of that organic change in order to force or manufacture it. in other words you can't just look at someone and tell them what will make things better for them and that they can and should do it. they often know that already on an intelluctual level. i think often it's something else that has to come.

all i know is that i have deep compassion every time i see someone who is struggling. i was there. i am still there now, though moving forward. and i am not going to judge someone who is maybe a little further back in this journey than i am. just because i have realized some things doesn't mean i can expect everyone else to have done the same "right this minute," or ever. so why would i want to criticize someone else for going through what i went through. the important question i think, for those who would want to criticize others, is what purpose would that/does that serve, for the person who is doing the criticizing.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:34 AM   #11
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I've talked to some have lost a lot of weight who are like that too. It is like they feel that they have paid their dues and now have a right to talk about others like that. Some of the former fat people I have talked to are way more judgemental of overweight people than the general public
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:06 PM   #12
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I think the people who need to put down others are just plain afraid. Fear does such awful things if we let it rule us. Maybe she is afraid she will get bigger again, afraid to look back at what she was weight wise, afraid of mentally still being that larger person, afraid to remember how much it hurt when she was large and people treated her in rude ways. I hope she gets over this, but many don't, but it is just fear.
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:08 PM   #13
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bama girl: That's really interesting. I've just begun to notice that I do the same judging thing with thin people- I presume that they will judge me for my weight so I judge them first (usually for being so judgmental, lol) so I won't feel like a chump.

As far as judging of overweight people by overweight people, I think it's a mixed bag. On the one hand, I really don't think that someone who has never had to go through the whole rigamarole that is weight loss has the right to say that someone is a bad person for not doing it. This does rather put formerly overweight people in a unique position. They can say "Yes it is hard, but it can be done." Generally I do not judge overweight people. I understand that everyone has struggles, emphatically including me. But then there are some overweight people who really upset me, who make nasty comments about other people's appearances and then turn around and eat three burgers and an ice cream for lunch.

Now, meanness is always unacceptable. But being that level of mean and not even taking the tiniest step, like, say, drinking water instead of two bottles of soda, to fix your OWN deficits strikes me as a narcissistic and destructive way to deal with problems which is just not okay. And THOSE people I judge, and feel no remorse about judging. Same with people who loudly proclaim that they are fat and never going to change, and then turn around and bash thin people. And I think there are a lot of fat people like this. It makes me sad, because I want to believe that everyone is genuinely trying to make themselves better. If they have some trouble with that, I accept it. But mostly the overweight people I see, certainly not on 3fc, but in the world at large, seem to be tearing other people down instead of building themselves up into better people.

Still, as far as "random person eating cake" is concerned, I am wholeheartedly in agreement with the OP. That is rude, and just creates a hostile environment which I do not think is either positive or helpful.
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:19 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skygirl View Post
anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that somewhere along the line something changed for them internally that allowed them to be able to pursue health. but that until that thing occurred, which is different for most people, that "thing" might have felt like a mystery to them, and they might have marveled at how others were able to do it and wished that they were able to do it too. but until that thing occurs, whatever it is for each person (and "thing" is meant to generalize, it could actually be a "string of things," but nonetheless it is a chage of some sort), then i'm not sure that any amount of dogma or crticism is going to make someone have a revalation. so until that happens there is often not much that can be put in the place of that organic change in order to force or manufacture it. in other words you can't just look at someone and tell them what will make things better for them and that they can and should do it. they often know that already on an intelluctual level. i think often it's something else that has to come.
This.

I do wish sometimes that I had figured it out before age 49 and still can't really explain why this time I've been able to do this so would never judge someone else's "ready" point. It wasn't a case of education or "wanting it bad enough" but I can't explain why now.
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:28 PM   #15
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Yes we can be--but I do try to keep my internal voice internal.

A couple of reasons that have been mentioned: the feeling that if I can, anyone can; and the feeling that if you blame the fat person you can protect yourself from becoming that person again.
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