It was a few days later that we talked and he told me that he felt neglected and had tried to reach out to get my attention but I never realised because I was so focused on my weightloss. I've read some marriage books that explain that a woman's job is to take care of her man and not turn him down for sex because it hurts them and etc.
He should be cheering your fantastic weight loss. Is he military? I'm not sure based on where you state you live. If so, is there someone on base you can see? As far as the books, what a load of crap! It is YOUR job to take care of him? How about taking care of each other? You are not chattle.
The others are right regarding addiction. He is not going to be able to stop this on his own. It sounds like you were not aware of this before you got married. He is going to need help if he truly wants to remain with you. Set the boundaries and stick with them.
To be quite bluntly honest, since you do not have children, I would suggest that you leave him and seek a divorce. His issues have nothing to do with you; his feelings of being worthless and so on are nothing that you can cure for him. His logic that he wants to "find himself" without you tagging along, IMO, that is complete bullcrap. He feels like crap, he's rationalizing, he's making his relationship with you into the problem. But that's not the truth of the situation...your relationship is suffering because he's not getting off his a$$ to fix himself, not the other way around.
I see nothing but years and years of grief if you stay with him, and worse, if you have children together. You're worth so much more than staying with a man who, fundamentally, doesn't find you valuable enough to do the hard labor of making himself and the marriage work.
I know this is extremely hard to hear but this is what I was thinking as well (heck, even if you had children I would think this).
I look back on some long-term relationships I had before I got married and your situation seems a lot like one I was in. We were together for 4 years, living together for 3 of those, and the last two of those were just downhill. He told me he still loved me but he wasn't sure he wanted to get married (we had always discussed getting married). Well, stupid me stayed with him for another 6 months after that declaration because he still loved me and he might come around. I think he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
While all that was going on I was super depressed but refused to acknowledge it. I kept thinking if I did the right thing he would change his mind and finally propose. My god I want to slap some sense into that younger version of me! Clearly he was the one with issues and clearly if he truly loved me marriage would still have been on the table. Clearly, I needed to be engaged to think spending time with him was worthwhile. CLEARLY, our relationship no longer worked and we were hanging on for all the wrong reasons. The final straw for me was when I wanted to go to the counseling services on campus and he refused to go with me. I knew then that he really didn't care about our relationship and I ended it. (I think he was so spineless that he just couldn't end it himself).
As others have suggested, you might want to consider going into couples counseling. But mostly I am thinking that you need to take it easy on yourself and allow for the possibility of your marriage ending so you can be free to move on and find real happiness. I know the hold a bad relationship can have and I know it seems impossible to find happiness in one. The pain of a relationship ending is incomparable, IMO, but it is also sometimes a necessary step to finally getting back on track.
i'm sorry you're going through this...
it seems that your hubby isn't sure about where he stands with himself...its easy for him to blame external factors, but he seems to know that the problem lies somewhere within him, which is a positive step.
i would recommend going to marital counseling, and for him to seek counseling on his own.
for you, knowing that he's done all these things causes you not to trust him and to harbor resentment in the long run, even if he does change and get his act together. that's why i feel like marital counseling would benefit you both. also, seeing a counselor would help both of you decide whether it is best for the two of you to stay together or go your separate ways.
either way, this is not going to be easy. i've been with guys who are totally depressed and unsatisfied in themselves...its a hard road. you can decide to see him through this, support him, or let him figure it out on his own. just don't sacrifice your happiness and livelihood for someone who doesn't want to work on himself and improve their lives.
know that we're all here to support you...you've accomplished a lot for yourself and deserve to be with someone who would do the same for themselves.
Getting through the work day was rough, but I made it. I'm taking the dog for a run and when he gets home from work, we are going to talk some more. I'm going to tell him that i want couples counseling and i want him to get personal counseling and if he is not willing to do that, then that will be an eye opener for me.
You are all right, these are his issues and he needs to be the one to work them out. I can't do it for him.
Yes, he's military and we have free access to counseling so there is absolutely no excuse not to get it other than he doesn't want to work on himself. I completely admit that i am not 100% innocent in this. I did neglect him for 8 months. I wasn't cleaning the house, I was going to bed really early, I wasn't cooking him dinner, i was asleep when he wanted to be intimate. This does not condone him looking to someone else though, but atleast i can understand where he's coming from. And the book I'm reading is called 'the proper care and feeding of husbands' I'm not very good at explaining what it talks about but I know that it's not 100% the woman's job to keep the relationship alive. Women just have the most power to change the relationship for the better or worse. I Hope that makes sense?
But yes, he really does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can't be all supportive of him and taking care of him if I'm not getting love AND faithfull-ness in return. (sorry couldn't think of the word)
.....I completely admit that i am not 100% innocent in this. I did neglect him for 8 months. I wasn't cleaning the house, I was going to bed really early, I wasn't cooking him dinner, i was asleep when he wanted to be intimate....
Kiddo...You need to remind yourself what you told us in your original post ~ he had this problem with porn when you got married.
Being a male and working with them on almost a daily basis for over 40 years I can tell you most...if not ALL...men look at porn on occasion. From playboy mags to a peek on the internet...maybe an x-rated movie at times...with or w/o spouse...
however, it does sound like your husband's issue is way beyond normal.
I agree that counseling gives you a chance to restore this marriage...very good counseling...but as has been said...it takes BOTH of you to make this work...
bottom line....he either wants you or the porn....to try and have it both ways hasn't worked for you now and it will only continue to be worse.
This is tough. Mostly because I have been married for almost three years and something like this would rip me open. However, because I have a self preservation nature, such a fury of fire would rain down on his head that crying would be the last thing he considered. There is no way in the WORLD he would sit down with me and tell me he needed to "find himself by way of sex outside of our marriage"!!! Are you kidding me? This kind of manipulation angers me to a point of unspeakable things. I wouldn't cause him any bodily harm because I don't like wearing the same clothes everyday.
Now for you Missy, its time for you to dig deep through the pain and disappointment. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you can make it no matter what happens. You can make it because you are strong and you aren't going to be anyone's door mat. I know you love him but this time you have to let him know he is not going to be able to have all he wants and you. You have to value yourself and demand that he or anyone else does the same. Any marriage book that tells you that you need to be there for him while he acts like this should be ashamed...unless of course you are looking at from your heartbreak. YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS!!! No matter if you are tired from working out or you just don't want to and I mean that. What helps me get through a hard time is looking good on the outside and telling myself how wonderful I am. I also have friends that have my back and would tell me the same to help me move forward. You do your part and we will do the friends part. You can do this. He doesn't think counseling would help because they would tell him getting someone extra is not what HE wants. I would also ask him what he would do if the tables were turned and he found me doing that.
It amazes me the tore down, crying it's me not you but I'm going to kinda blame you so you feel bad enough to give me what I want joka. It could be that porn has gotten a grip on him and has him doing all this madness but if he doesn't want any help then SHOW him he doesn't want you. There is no middle ground or gray area on this. What will you be thinking when you aren't around or you need to go to bed and he isn't sleepy? That's no way to live.
Oh, Eve. I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you.
I would read again what saef wrote. That was my initial thought/reaction, and it seems to me that deep down, you know it. You love him and of course it hurts terribly, probably more than you could ever imagine, but staying with someone like this will only lead to more hurt, pain, and a life of trust issues. Even if you are not 100% innocent in this, it is NEVER ok to cheat. And honestly, it should have been a red flag early on when you found yourself compromising your feelings about his actions - before you were even married. It's OK not to be OK with it.
At the very least, I would separate from him for a little while, so you can clear your head. Counseling is a great place to start, and I would go separately and with him (if he is willing). I too agree that if he refuses, then he has really given you his true feelings on your marriage.
I know the book you're talking about, and while I agree with some principals, ultimately we are not responsible for how other people act and the choices they make. Even if he did feel neglected, in the end, he is the one who still chose to look at other women WHO HE KNOWS - not just a faceless, emotionless stranger from a web site. The fact that he is looking at craigslist, to me, indicates he is not far from a physical encounter.
You are strong, and wise, and beautiful, and caring. And deserve so much more than this.
Thank you guys for your support and your advice. I need all the prayers I can get!
He is going to be deploying around july/august and he's going to be gone for 6 months so I am considering bringing up to him that he could use that as his away time and hopefully work on himself then. I'm going to be making it very clear that we will still be married and I expect him to be faithful and such as well during that time.
This may be a blessing in disguise. Where is he going?
Oh, thank you for your service, guy. Now straighten up and act like a soldier!
made me chuckle! He doesn't have an exact location, but either Afghanistan or Iraq....
I believe the time away will give us both enough time to really dig deep inside and figure out what we want, what we don't want and what we are willing to do about it. Call me a fool, but I love him to death and I would do ANYTHING to save our marriage. I expect the same from him or I need to move on.
Hi, i'm going to post stuff on here which i will probably get flamed for, but i'm going to post nonetheless. I think it’s stuff that needs to be said.
someone made the comment that porn was addictive and made the correlation that he didn't ask to sleep around before that. well, i have another thought. You said in the beginning that you realized that he was a lot more sexually liberal than you were, when you first found out about the porn. What if he’s Always been curious about threesomes, or what it would be like to have you be with another guy, but after how vehemently you reacted to the porn he was too terrified to even consider bringing it up to you? I don’t think him mentioning it After watching porn means it automatically happened Because of the porn, that’s entirely erroneous. I think you should ask him about that, perhaps in counseling?
Part two, YES it’s NOT YOUR FAULT directly that this happened while you were working on weight loss, but I think a good case could be made that you played a part in it. There have been studies that say guys need to be able to ejaculate semi-frequently (depends on the guy) or their probability of having prostate problems increases. This DOESN’T mean he should have necessarily done what he did in order to ejaculate, and I’m in no way condoning it, but he did have a legitimate need that Was going unfulfilled. For Eight months. I’ll also say he had a legitimate point about you being unavailable. Guys can feel lonely and depressed too. He should have talked to you more, perhaps, I don’t know what all was said, but his feelings (not actions) should be validated, just like yours.
I also want to address the gender bias here. Everyone it seems see men as sex-fiends unable to control themselves, and if you find one who can’t, just toss him out. I totally doubt there’s a single woman on these boards who, if told the story, “my husband’s in the military, and has been gone for the last eight months…..during that time I’ve looked at pictures of men and actually responded to ads on craigslist, I never met anyone in person but I did see some people in nude pictures, is there any hope for me or my marriage? I’m dying inside worrying that I may have ruined it.”
That would tell this person responding that they’re horrible, there’s no point in them being in a relationship with their husband, and that he should divorce her.
I know this isn’t the Exact thing that happened, but it’s close enough that I think it’s relevant.
It sounds like perhaps his views and preferences with sex and relationships may be incompatible with yours. He wants experimentation and a more liberal relationship. You seem to want a more traditional, conservative one. Have you talked about that much together? If that’s a deal breaker for the two of you, it may be a good idea to separate. But don’t separate because of what’s happened so far, you haven’t even given either one of yourselves (bad grammar, sorry) a chance to work on the relationship. It sounds like both of you want to.
Also, to the poster saying that the guy should be dumped because he’s depressed, that seems pretty harsh. The OP’s depressed too, should she give up? People are emotional beings, and while yes, she probably can’t singlehandedly cure his depression, working their relationship to a place where they’re both at peace with it could help with his depression. It sounds like it hasn’t been a chronic thing, just something brought on by his pain, loneliness and confusion over his and his wife’s actions over the last 8 months.
.... but I love him to death and I would do ANYTHING to save our marriage. I expect the same from him or I need to move on.
It won't be easy for him where he is going...thank God for our Troops!...but you post wise words...
I would have done anything and did to save my first marriage...but it takes 2 and she didn't want it...
if I knew then what I know now I would have helped her pack her bags when she first wanted out ...but that was 20 years ago...we are great friend now..and I have been very happily married for almost 16 years
so remember what you posted kiddo...I expect the same from him or I need to move on...
There have been studies that say guys need to be able to ejaculate semi-frequently (depends on the guy) or their probability of having prostate problems increases. This DOESN’T mean he should have necessarily done what he did in order to ejaculate, and I’m in no way condoning it, but he did have a legitimate need that was going unfulfilled.
Oh, boy. His legitimate need to ejaculate regularly to prevent future prostate problems is the very least of their issues, I think.
He's a confused, unhappy guy full of unresolved tension & conflict -- his being in the military & being deployed soon helps me understand some of what he's probably dealing with -- but his ensuring that he ejaculates regularly to situations or stimulus outside the marital relationship is really not going to solve much more than short-term buildup of tension.
I think the counseling that Eve (for short) is advising him to get & that she'll look into herself sounds like a sensible way to go. For now. And will help her reflect on their relationship & her options. Her counselor will hear more of her story than we got in a single post on a message board & can help her with day-to-day coping with a situation that is clearly causing her pain.
Anyone who posts here on any issue at all is obviously going to get answers with a bias in their favor. She asked for our support. We're giving it. It's how message boards work. It is indeed one-sided. But it's impossible to judge this stuff as impartially as Solomon or a good couples counseling session. We don't pretend to offer anything else than our various insights & above all, support for a soul who's in need & clearly unhappy & distracted.
made me chuckle! He doesn't have an exact location, but either Afghanistan or Iraq....
...but that was 20 years ago...we are great friend now..and I have been very happily married for almost 16 years 
