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How has your weight affected your relationships?

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Old 05-02-2010, 10:55 PM   #1
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Default How has your weight affected your relationships?

I realized that one of my first memories of liking a guy, involved my trying to "woo" him over. I remember, thinking back, that there was something kind of not so good about a teenage girl trying to save money, so that she could take this older guy out to a fancy french dinner, as a way to impress him.

I remember with him, and previous crushes, that I never felt I was the kind of woman they liked. That I was somehow always "lacking". Even my first crush was a guy who liked the class ballerina. Seriously.

As an adult, I realize that those memories speak volumes about self-esteem, and maybe, why I go above and beyond to let a guy know I am there for him, and that I care for him. I think that this is a result of growing up as a very overweight female, and having numerous situations where guys may have expressed interest in me, but they always wanted to keep it a secret from other people, as if they were ashamed.

I am curious as to your experiences with your weight and relationships:

  • Did you notice any patterns, relationship wise, that were tied into your weight?
  • How did you overcome any of these patterns or issues?


I think the more we realize certain patterns, the more we can overcome them.
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Old 05-02-2010, 11:16 PM   #2
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Well for me, I know I totally settled for my exhusband. I was scared of being alone. I knew I shouldn't marry him, but I did anyways, cried all the way down the aisle, and these weren't tears of joy. I wish someone had talked some sense into me, but I know I wouldn't have listened anyways. I, of course, come to find out now that my friends all hated him/the way he treated me.
I do see a pattern of trying too hard to please men, but I don't that comes because of the weight. A lot of women have that issue, big or small.
I do get scared sometimes with my boyfriend now, cause I'm the first "big girl" he's dated. I know he loves me the way I am, and he's so supportive and proud of my healthy changes.
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Old 05-02-2010, 11:45 PM   #3
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I had been over weight throughout middle school and the first 2 years of high school. I managed to lose over 80lbs that second year and over the summer keeping me at 150lbs my Jr/Sr years. I remember getting a couple offer's (to go on a date) from boys at school my last 2 years but I was in a mind set where I thought, if these guys wouldn't ask me when I was "fat" they don't deserve to have me now, haha. I REALLY thought like that and I honestly and purposely refused to date in high school. I met my ex bf about a month before I graduated, he went to a different school than I did. I ended up living with him after I graduated for 4 years. He was really hard to read, one min he would tell me I was perfect, the next he would complain I was TOO skinny thats I needed to gain weight because he liked bigger girls and I thought "hey well at least I know if I gain weight he will still like me". This was my first BF mind you and I didn't want to lose him, I loved him. I gained weight. 4 years later he dumps me. I told myself then and there I would never let a guy effect the way I look and how I feel. I am important! When I met my current boyfriend I said it how I felt it...I'm losing weight if you like it or not! If your not going to be supportive towards what I'm doing for myself then your SOL as far as dating me. Its been 7 months now and 35lbs down and he is amazing. He tells me daily how well I'm doing and that he's happy I'm happy and thats all that matters. I for sure look at guy's differently and I figure the best way to find the good ones is to straight out let them know how you feel about yourself and your goals and see their reactions.
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:32 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by CanadianCutie View Post
Well for me, I know I totally settled for my exhusband. I was scared of being alone. I knew I shouldn't marry him, but I did anyways, cried all the way down the aisle, and these weren't tears of joy. I wish someone had talked some sense into me, but I know I wouldn't have listened anyways. I, of course, come to find out now that my friends all hated him/the way he treated me.
I do see a pattern of trying too hard to please men, but I don't that comes because of the weight. A lot of women have that issue, big or small.
I do get scared sometimes with my boyfriend now, cause I'm the first "big girl" he's dated. I know he loves me the way I am, and he's so supportive and proud of my healthy changes.
Wow! thank you so much for sharing that! ((hugs)). That was very insightful and relatable.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:08 AM   #5
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My issues with my weight have caused me to have serious trust issues with guys. I'm constantly questioning motives and assuming the worst. Right now, I'm going through an awful, heartbreaking situation with my best friend. We've been best friends for 8 years, and there was a time back in college (when I was still overweight but probably a hundred pounds lighter than now) that he had said that he considered being more than friends. But I always assumed that it was my weight that made him not want to date me, and that made me angry at him. My resentment made things go bad between us to the point that we constantly fight because I don't trust him. I started to think ridiculous things like he's embarrassed to be seen with me. I KNOW he cares about me because I've tried several times to distance myself from him, and he won't let me go. He has even suggested going to a counselor to try to fix our friendship. However, when I finally told him that I care about him as more than a friend he said that he doesn't love me that way. Now, he is interested in a girl (she's petite) and it's heartbreaking to try to be his friend through it. I keep torturing myself with the thought that if I could just lose hundreds of pounds, he would love me. The smarter part of me realizes that he probably can't love me because of how miserable we can make each other by fighting and he knows that I can't fully trust him. I know that I feel like I'm unlovable and it's my own distrust issues that I have to get over. I haven't exactly figured out how to do that yet. As much as I tell myself that I'm being insane, this evil little voice keeps asking, "Are you sure it's not because you're fat?"
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:36 AM   #6
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I am so sorry to hear about that, ohlove.

I can only say to focus on your love of your friend, as your friend. If you find your life would be missing something without him, then you have to accept him as a friend only, and focus on nurturing yourself. I understand that it is hard when you have all of the "what ifs?" AND if you aren't currently dating.

All I can say is to focus on nurturing yourself and being happy and loving yourself for who you are. The evil little voices are just that....evil little voices, and all of us would be best to just ignore them. It is like it is their job to make us feel bad about ourselves.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:59 AM   #7
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ohlove, it sounds like you were always in a relationship - and that he didn't want to commit... maybe because you never asked him for it? I mean, he suggested that the both of you get "friendship counseling"!

I've been in a somewhat similar situation... except mine only lasted 1.5 years. I ended it. I don't regret that decision at all - I think it was the best decision to keep both of us sane.

There seems to be an interesting 'breed' of men that are more than reliable, that will never leave you. However, this aspect also has its negative side. They have such a strong presence in your life that they prohibit you from moving on and forming more fulfilling, loving relationships. So, while you are not moving on, still devoted to him, he has the ability to keep you around plus get a new girlfriend. Now, you feel like crap ; but he is happy. That doesn't sound like a good 'friendship' to me.
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Old 05-03-2010, 06:31 AM   #8
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I just got out of a year long relationship with a guy who honestly was a total sweetheart. He did everything he could to make me happy except one thing. He had a hard time being physical with me....Now to start from the beginning, I weighed 155 I was healthy in shape. Then slowly the pounds crept up on me over a course of a year I put on 20 pounds and was at 175 as the pounds come the sex started lacking.....Now as fustrating as it was physically mentally he was killing me. I felt undesirable, ugly, I felt like I wasnt even good enough for my own BF. He even made a comment "I have never dated a girl that wasnt teeny tiny".......That statement stuck with me.....Things didnt get better and I brokeup with him 2 months ago. Now I have lost 17 pounds and guess who is wanting me back?????


Looking back yea he was super nice and an awesome BF outside of our physical relationship, but I didnt want another friend I wanted him to be my BF.

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Old 05-03-2010, 11:47 AM   #9
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I just got out of a year long relationship with a guy who honestly was a total sweetheart. He did everything he could to make me happy except one thing. He had a hard time being physical with me....Now to start from the beginning, I weighed 155 I was healthy in shape. Then slowly the pounds crept up on me over a course of a year I put on 20 pounds and was at 175 as the pounds come the sex started lacking.....Now as fustrating as it was physically mentally he was killing me. I felt undesirable, ugly, I felt like I wasnt even good enough for my own BF. He even made a comment "I have never dated a girl that wasnt teeny tiny".......That statement stuck with me.....Things didnt get better and I brokeup with him 2 months ago. Now I have lost 17 pounds and guess who is wanting me back?????


Looking back yea he was super nice and an awesome BF outside of our physical relationship, but I didnt want another friend I wanted him to be my BF.
Ha! That is so funny and yet so true! I do wish in some ways, that if a man isn't into a woman physically, he shouldn't force the issue. Every guy I have dated has been into more average sized women. My ex said he liked big women...I don't know, I sometimes wonder.

I have an ex who did the same thing---lack of physical attention. That is so damaging, and I think guys don't understand that. I mean, we are raised to be "warned" about how men are always...well....in the mood. So when you date someone who is not in the mood, and it isn't something medical or stress or depression, AND, they salivate over models, well, it just really messes with your sense of self-esteem.
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:20 PM   #10
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My boyfriend will not touch me in any sexual manner until i lose weight, although he got with me when I was only 10lbs lighter than I am now. As he puts it "theres nothing wrong with me wanting an attractive girlfriend i can be proud of" - and it is because of my weight that I am still with him, because I genuinely am too afraid of being single and fat, instead, I plan to leave when I lose more weight.

Prior to him, I had many dates, many one night stands, many many men who i tried very hard to please - who never would commit to me and would never let me meet their friends. I have always blamed this on my weight.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:38 PM   #11
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I was very shy growing up as a morbidly obese teenager and adult. I basically never thought anyone could be really into me and the guys I did date, I never let them get to close to me and would break up with them when I thought they wanted more (sexually and emotionally).

It wasn't until my late 20s until I found someone I was willing to try with and our relationship ended about a year later. A year after that, I started dating my husband who is truly awesome. It was night and day between any of my previous relationships and he truly is supportive of me and my goals. I dated him when I weighed 300 lbs and he didn't care, he supports me no matter what weight I'm at.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:51 PM   #12
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I guess you can say my dh and I grew together. LOL We were both within healthy weights when we first were married and just got wider as the years went by. Our sex life did suffer a bit and I could tell he wasn't too attracted to me physically. Since I was a child I was always self conscience regardless if I was within a healthy weight all my life, so gaining the weight just made me depressed. I stopped dressing up or trying to look pretty which I think led him to not be attracted to me much. I do remember getting dolled up every now and then and he would perk up.
When I made the choice to lose the weight and I lost the first 20 lbs he made a comment that he knew we would be doing the deed a lot more when I got closer to my goal. I asked him to buddy up with me in my weight loss and he did. He's very close to his goal. He's always complemented me on my looks no matter what but I know the weight did bother him but like he said "Who am I to judge?" when he was in the same boat.
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Old 05-03-2010, 03:00 PM   #13
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i feel for everyone cause i too have been there.. i was right out of high school... just 17.. and met my now ex bf at the mcds he worked at then.. (go figure) we ended up moving in together.. there were only 3 of his friends who would actually talk to me... the rest didn't and im damn sure its was because i wasn't a size 2...even the wife and gf of two of his buddies wouldn't even give me the time of day... till this day it still makes me upset.. Him and his buddies never made me feel.. like i wasn't a piece of dog poopy.. then two years into our relationship i asked him why he had not said i love you yet.. and he said i dont think i could ever love you until you lose weight... I SHOULD have left then.. but he was my first live in bf.. and i was in love.. so i stayed and we fought about my weight the rest of time.. we even broke up and i lost 40 pounds and then got back together.. then the weight slowly came back on.... then i finally realized i dont love him.. i dont want to be with him.. hes is not good for me... so i left him.. Still to this day he calls and txts me.. to try and see me.. and you know what.. no thanks!.. Im with someone now... who loves me for me!
im sure almost anyone has been here or been in a situation like this.. which is fairly heartbreaking..
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Old 05-03-2010, 03:30 PM   #14
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When I first started dating the guy I'm with now I weighed 170 and went to the gym everyday and ate good and drank nothing but water and tea all day. Now 2 years later, I weigh 220 pounds and have no energy and so on. I'm very self conscious about my body around him now just because I know when he was initailly attracted to me I was 50 pounds lighter. I don't like him to touch my belly or see me undress or anything which is annoying to him because it never use to be a problem. This is one reason why I'm finally trying to get back in shape again. I want to feel comfortable with him.
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Old 05-03-2010, 03:36 PM   #15
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My boyfriend will not touch me in any sexual manner until i lose weight, although he got with me when I was only 10lbs lighter than I am now. As he puts it "theres nothing wrong with me wanting an attractive girlfriend i can be proud of" - and it is because of my weight that I am still with him, because I genuinely am too afraid of being single and fat, instead, I plan to leave when I lose more weight.

Prior to him, I had many dates, many one night stands, many many men who i tried very hard to please - who never would commit to me and would never let me meet their friends. I have always blamed this on my weight.
Man when I left my ****ty ex, who never said anything bad about my body or anything, I had so much time and drive to go to the gym and I made crazy progress compared to when I was with him. Leave that jerk-loser and indulge in yourself for yourself. After a few months at the gym and quite a few pounds lighter lots of the single guys there want to "give you tips on your form" and whatnot.
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