You really need to love yourself more....even I, who am guilty of doing too much for the guy I am with, am not going to jump up to get pepto bismal, etc. And it doesn't matter how long "messing around" with someone else lasts....it is still messing around.
You are not a doormat, you are a human being. I know I am being a hypocrite, but you have to learn that a good man will love you for who you are, not because you do whatever they say or ask. Being supportive of good health habits should be the norm, not something so unique that you overlook "messing around". sorry, but that just sounds not too good. Please be kind to yourself....you deserve respect as well as love.
I know....He's forgiven, but on probation. His big problem is drinking. When he's sober, he's sweet, loving, and keeps his eyes on his own family. When he's drunk, he's the slobbery "I love you guy" and gets handsy. With whoever is around. When he's with me, I love it, but was always scared he would turn to someone else if I wasn't there.
Its happened, and I hate him for making me feel so damn unsafe! He hasn't had anything to drink in a month, we are getting councling and I poured out all my own booze in my home so he wouldn't be tempted.
The deal is, that if he so much as takes one sip of booze, I am out. I'll leave his butt and take everything with me. I can tell when he drinks, cause his breath gets this weird fruity smell on it, and it won't go away. I let him know this. That he can't sneak one and think he can hide it from me.
I grew up taking care of my siblings, cooking, cleaning, ect. I took care of my mom when she got depressed, and when she left my dad, I moved back home and took care of him. Its in my blood to take care of my loved ones. I don't feel like a doormat doing it.
However, I don't jump up to get him asprin anymore, or water. I don't get up to make him coffee. He makes it for me now and brings it to me in bed. He gets me my asprin and whatever, and he also makes me my meals when I have to work and come home late.
I can relate to a lot of these, and I've always been overweight.
I've had boyfriends, though all of them have been abusive in some way or another. I even had one ask me when I was going to be as small as my (then) best friend.
Well, I met my current boyfriend online and like some, I was afraid. He lived in CA and I lived in WA, not so bad but it was still scary. Well, we started to get to know each other without ever seeing pictures and we fell in love with each others personalities. And then came the time to show him my picture. Even though I was no longer 600 pounds, I still saw myself as that girl. So I was scared out of my mind. So when it happened, he still loved me and wasn't repulsed like I had thought he would be.
After all, why would an attractive, successful man be interested in a cow, right?
That's how I thought.
He loved me for me, and not what I look like. And we've been together for almost two years and he reassures me that he loves me for ME. He wouldn't care how much I weighed. He just wants me healthy, and I am. He still desires me physically, which I don't see why, but I think it's pretty awesome that he wants to see me without clothes when I hate seeing myself.
I really don't know what I would do without him. Yeah, we're still long distance, but we still 'see' each other, and I get to actually see him in a few weeks.
It's hard, to do the whole relationship thing when you're overweight. I know, I've lived it. But it's not impossible. There are men out there that genuinely don't care about the weight and they see the woman (or man) beneath it. Sometimes you have to know failure in order to get success.
Every one of you ladies who shared stories are amazing. And you don't need a man to be fierce and beautiful. You all are and you are all an inspiration to me. You don't have to be stick thin and beautiful, you can just be you.
Because when all is said and done, at least with me, is that I'll never be rail thin (or I'd look sick because of my bone structure), and I'll never look like a model in the features department. I'm just me, and I think I'm pretty awesome no matter how much I weigh. :]
I can relate to a lot of these, and I've always been overweight.
I've had boyfriends, though all of them have been abusive in some way or another. I even had one ask me when I was going to be as small as my (then) best friend.
Well, I met my current boyfriend online and like some, I was afraid. He lived in CA and I lived in WA, not so bad but it was still scary. Well, we started to get to know each other without ever seeing pictures and we fell in love with each others personalities. And then came the time to show him my picture. Even though I was no longer 600 pounds, I still saw myself as that girl. So I was scared out of my mind. So when it happened, he still loved me and wasn't repulsed like I had thought he would be.
After all, why would an attractive, successful man be interested in a cow, right?
That's how I thought.
He loved me for me, and not what I look like. And we've been together for almost two years and he reassures me that he loves me for ME. He wouldn't care how much I weighed. He just wants me healthy, and I am. He still desires me physically, which I don't see why, but I think it's pretty awesome that he wants to see me without clothes when I hate seeing myself.
I really don't know what I would do without him. Yeah, we're still long distance, but we still 'see' each other, and I get to actually see him in a few weeks.
It's hard, to do the whole relationship thing when you're overweight. I know, I've lived it. But it's not impossible. There are men out there that genuinely don't care about the weight and they see the woman (or man) beneath it. Sometimes you have to know failure in order to get success.
Every one of you ladies who shared stories are amazing. And you don't need a man to be fierce and beautiful. You all are and you are all an inspiration to me. You don't have to be stick thin and beautiful, you can just be you.
Because when all is said and done, at least with me, is that I'll never be rail thin (or I'd look sick because of my bone structure), and I'll never look like a model in the features department. I'm just me, and I think I'm pretty awesome no matter how much I weigh. :]
Well you look beautiful to me! My husband and I did the long distance thing too. I lived in NC and he lived in Cali.I kind of liked it, since talking forces you to be interesting, and you are attracted to personalities first. At times it was amazing, and other times frustrating. My hubby was right. I calmed down once we met face to face and I could feel how much he loved me. (I mean through hugs, and kisses. Get your minds out of the gutters. lol)
I also met my boyfriend online. And my ex boyfriend as well. It really helps you get to know someone. The internet really lets you not feel like you have to settle. You can find that person who's right for you no matter where they are. My ex and current beau are both from Cali. My current moved for me...I moved for the ex, so I wasn't about to do that again ha
Last edited by StuffedBunny; 05-06-2010 at 01:53 PM.
Well you look beautiful to me! My husband and I did the long distance thing too. I lived in NC and he lived in Cali.I kind of liked it, since talking forces you to be interesting, and you are attracted to personalities first. At times it was amazing, and other times frustrating. My hubby was right. I calmed down once we met face to face and I could feel how much he loved me. (I mean through hugs, and kisses. Get your minds out of the gutters. lol)
Aww! Thank you, darlin!
And you're 10000% right. I know I'm not interesting haha but my bf loves when I start actual conversation with him. We're both gamers, him more than me, but out of everyone he's dated, he tells me I'm the only one who he's loved so much and that he knows I love him. And its something I wouldn't trade for anything.
And StuffedBunny, I know how that is too. But, I'm moving for him because its more financially smart to do so. He's got an awesome job, owns his house and everything.
And StuffedBunny, I know how that is too. But, I'm moving for him because its more financially smart to do so. He's got an awesome job, owns his house and everything.
Oh yeah, do it up! My BF put up no argument to move out here because I have a job and the cost of living here is WAY lower than it is out in Cali. If it makes sense, it makes sense!
Your stories are all so similar to mine. I have always been overweight, as long as I can remember. I know I've mentioned this in other threads, but I was teased on a daily basis b/c of my weight, from grade three to the day I graduated high school. At first it was boys and girls, but later the girls left me alone, and when I was in junior high/high school boys would give me a lot of comments of how "beautiful" I looked, and asking me for a date, etc., always sarcastically, of course. A lot of them used to sing "You Are So Beautiful To Me" and, although it's been more than 20 years since I graduated from high school, I hate that song to this day, and will turn off the radio or change the channel if it's on t.v. There's an old episode of The Simpsons where Marge sings it to Homer at the very end, and that is an episode I always cut short!
I grew up thinking I wasn't deserving of love and felt ugly, repulsive, and I put up with a lot of behavior I shouldn't have. I was in a "relationship" with a roommate of mine when I was in my early twenties, who used to always tell me about other women he wanted to sleep with, especially our other roommate, and he would tell me what he would like to do with them...which he'd never do with me, but he expected me to cater to him all the time. The "relationship" was violent and totally dysfunctional. I got out of it when I moved back to my hometown, but that experience, along with other experience I've had regarding men, made me feel worse about myself. I used to go clubbing with my friends, and come home and cry because I wasn't getting any attention, which of course I attributed to my weight, but in retrospect, I think my attitude may have had a lot to do with it too. Back then, I kind of had "tunnel vision", if I am using that term correctly, where everything negative in my life was attributed to my weight.
I had to work long and hard to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence. This included counselling. Now, there is no way I would put up with the kind of behavior I mentioned earlier...I'd much rather be single than put up with crap like that.
I lost weight for reasons other than my health and looks, and in the process, started to get more attention from men (I noticed more older men with money would talk with me than before, for example - too bad I'm a cougar! J/K...I wouldn't want to be judged for my looks, so I don't judge men on income). I got a lot more flirting than before, and guys I don't know saying "hi" to me in a store, for example. At the time, I often would be flirting back but still thinking "leave me alone! I'm not used to this!" Other times I enjoyed it for what it was, harmless flirting. I worked in the public at the time, and started to get used to it. Now I am back in school, in an all-female class, and kind of miss it!
I still have some insecurities though. I joined a free dating website and put my pictures up...I wouldn't have done that at my highest weight (and I'm still big now) because I don't think I could handle the disappointed look in the guy's eyes when he met me (I wouldn't have had pics up before). Now it's up front, they know what I look like, and I've gotten some interest. One guy contacted me telling me my pictures were "beautiful" (my most hated word!) but I took it as a compliment. What I noticed though, in his profile, was in his body type section, he wrote, "athletic" and I could see he was, from his picture. I wondered, what does he want with me? So that is some of the old insecurity creeping into my thoughts, which I admit, still bothers me. Also, I live in a small town, and have a hard time with men flirting with me when they paid me no attention before.
Interestingly, I've gotten messages from guys who are into BBWs. That's great, but I have no desire to remain a BBW! I edited my profile and put that in there. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who dumps me because I lose weight! That's just as bad as the opposite happening.
Meanwhile, I'm still single. I am still working on my self-esteem and there are days when I fall back, and tell myself how ugly and undesirable I am. But I'm working on changing that. Mostly, I've succeeded.
Sorry guys, I didn't mean to make this so long, but I think it's been cathartic!
^whoo, that is a lot of baggage to be carrying around, i'm glad you're venting.
I feel you though, a lot of us have been in similar situations. Relationships are not existent for me and have been since i've been 18. I don't feel i love myself, so i cannot expect someone to love me. I'm finally taking steps to address this, but it's kind of scary honestly. I know i won't be another person at 135, or even feel better about myself, but that's what i'm hoping for.
If you have had a lot of relationships affected by either your own or your partner's judging of your weight, or insecurity, or negative remarks, etc., how do you deal with normal relationships, and when your partner doesn't like your personality or some other, non-physical aspect of yourself?
I think it hurts more when you realize that you may actually be your partner's type, but, maybe it is your personality he no longer likes. In some ways I feel it hurts more because if most people don't like you because of the weight, and then someone doesn't like your personality, then it makes one feel like they are entirely not good dating material.
^whoo, that is a lot of baggage to be carrying around, i'm glad you're venting.
I feel you though, a lot of us have been in similar situations. Relationships are not existent for me and have been since i've been 18. I don't feel i love myself, so i cannot expect someone to love me. I'm finally taking steps to address this, but it's kind of scary honestly. I know i won't be another person at 135, or even feel better about myself, but that's what i'm hoping for.
I am sorry that you feel that way about yourself. I guess it is true that we are our own worst critic. From your profile pic you look like a beautiful person (yes, women are freely able to say that ), so I don't understand the self-esteem issues, but I do think you are right in that you have to love yourself first, before you will let someone love you.
Work on healing yourself. you seem like an amazing and good person.
^whoo, that is a lot of baggage to be carrying around, i'm glad you're venting.
I feel you though, a lot of us have been in similar situations. Relationships are not existent for me and have been since i've been 18. I don't feel i love myself, so i cannot expect someone to love me. I'm finally taking steps to address this, but it's kind of scary honestly. I know i won't be another person at 135, or even feel better about myself, but that's what i'm hoping for.
It really does feel good to vent. Like you, I still have some work to do on feeling better about myself...I've thought too, how can I expect someone else to love me when I don't even love myself? But we're strong women - here we are at 3FC trying to change our bodies, (hopefully our thoughts will follow!) and that is a start.
haven't read all the posts yet, at work & not enough time but while i'm still thinking about the topic i want to answer the original questions. i'd have to say that my relationships affected my weight, not the other way around.
First off- I started gaining weight because i had too much attention from boys, got depressed, started gaining weight and they started leaving me alone. then as i'd be in a relationship and it wouldn't work out, i'd get depressed, i'd eat more. then i got into the relationship w/ my now husband, and i gained more weight because we were happy, eating out, making dinners, etc.
there is one relationship that i have always felt horrible about. the only person who i ever let myself fully trust and love. and he just didn't/couldn't love me back- but was you know still willing to sleep with me and spend time with me. always there has been this voice in the back of my mind telling me if i was skinny and beautiful he could have loved me. that relationship left me feeling fundamentally unlovable, distrustful of all people- and even to this day 12 years later i can't say i fully trust my husband, or any friends, or even family not to just screw me over or up and leave me behind. i don't know if it has to do with weight or self-esteem- but there is definitely a feeling of deep down something about me is bad and no one can abide it.
No good experiences to speak of, it's been a nightmare for me. Ever since having gained 38738732832 pounds, when I had moments when I was sick that I was feeling OK, I put myself out there to date with no luck. I needed SOME fun. Had a couple guys tell me I was too big. One guy told me that I met off a dating site that he would be too embarrassed to be seen with me and that I looked a "smaller fat" in my pics and he wasn't interested. That hurt, but what really, really hurt was this..... I tried to date someone one more time....we had a nice dinner, walked on the beach, then we came back to my place because I had to change pants because they got wet at the beach and we were going to go throw some darts and shoot some pool at a place around the corner...when I went upstairs to change clothes, he bolted out of my house and left...never called me again, obviously. I cried like a baby, I was so crushed because everything seemed to be going so well. No indications of anything weird or a lack of interest on his end, he even held my hand at the beach. It was then that I decided to not date anymore, get better all the way and then diet myself back down to 150.
This is the first time I have been fat by getting sick. When I was thin, honestly, I lacked empathy with heavy people. Boy, has that changed. It is as if God tossed this my way to teach me a lesson to improve my character. When I am back down in weight, if I see anyone making fun of fat people, I am going to stick my leg up their................................
No good experiences to speak of, it's been a nightmare for me. Ever since having gained 38738732832 pounds, when I had moments when I was sick that I was feeling OK, I put myself out there to date with no luck. I needed SOME fun. Had a couple guys tell me I was too big. One guy told me that I met off a dating site that he would be too embarrassed to be seen with me and that I looked a "smaller fat" in my pics and he wasn't interested. That hurt, but what really, really hurt was this..... I tried to date someone one more time....we had a nice dinner, walked on the beach, then we came back to my place because I had to change pants because they got wet at the beach and we were going to go throw some darts and shoot some pool at a place around the corner...when I went upstairs to change clothes, he bolted out of my house and left...never called me again, obviously. I cried like a baby, I was so crushed because everything seemed to be going so well. No indications of anything weird or a lack of interest on his end, he even held my hand at the beach. It was then that I decided to not date anymore, get better all the way and then diet myself back down to 150.
This is the first time I have been fat by getting sick. When I was thin, honestly, I lacked empathy with heavy people. Boy, has that changed. It is as if God tossed this my way to teach me a lesson to improve my character. When I am back down in weight, if I see anyone making fun of fat people, I am going to stick my leg up their................................
I am so sorry for your experiences. That is just awful and rude and obviously this guy had no balls (sorry if I'm not allowed to say that) or basic respect for anyone else. I would have felt just as crappy, but it's good that you use it as motivation!
), so I don't understand the self-esteem issues, but I do think you are right in that you have to love yourself first, before you will let someone love you.
