Oh, yeah, my pattern with guys for years could be basically outlined by Taylor Swift's song "You Belong to Me." Which is somewhat humiliating to admit here publicly, as I am not a Taylor Swift fan at all. (Ummmm ... Joni Mitchell? Billie Holiday? Even Lucinda Williams, in that genre ... but not Taylor Swift.) I thought that I had very little to offer men physically, since they [so my thinking went] want women who are more beautiful. What I have to offer is being a good listener, a confidante, an advice-giver, at times an entertainer. They were supposed to love me for my character & for my intelligence (such as it is). The theory was that, if they got to know me, and if I became indispensible to helping them sort out their feelings, they would gradually come to know me & love me & start to overlook my great physical defect of not being thin enough or sexy enough. Like Beauty & the Beast, you know? Except with the man as the Beauty & me as the Beast.
Yeah, well, it didn't work. What I mostly ended up in was triangular relationships. When we were younger, they confided in me & told me stuff while crushing from afar on some more desirable girl. Or else they got involved with psycho b**tches & kept coming to me for sanity. I was so often on the outside looking in. Also, it made me feel disembodied because they never cared for me physically, only for my great personality & etc. They did all the physical stuff with the other girls. And when I got older, this attracted men who were in bad marriages. Often co-workers. We'd be great friends & they'd be telling me all about their issues with their wives/girlfriends. They'd be committing what I think of as "emotional infidelity." That is, we didn't, uh, do it, but I kept wondering why they weren't having these intense sharing conversations with the women in question.
I really think this kept happening because of my weight & also that I used weight to keep men at a distance physically, though not mentally & emotionally.
Do I still do this? No. Because once, years ago, I decided I'd lose weight, and I did -- oh boy, did I -- and after that, when I got into one such triangular relationship, it became really messy. It did NOT stay platonic. And I was miserable & I wanted to die, but I wanted him dead, too. That once was enough to teach me. Any time there is even a ghost of a triangle now, I run. Run. Run far, far away. (In fact, I probably now have a completely new issue there.)
After reading over these posts, I'm thanking my lucky stars that my first "real" relationship - which I'm still in - has been so wonderful.
I was so reluctant at first. We met on the internet, and I was so afraid of being the ugly internet chick stereotype. I told him straight up that I'm fat, have skin problems, etc etc... he was still interested. His exact words were "I like you for reasons completely unrelated to your appearance." That was a huge confidence boost, but I was still skeptical. There were a lot of red flags that maybe should have stopped me: he's about 9 years older than I am, I met him on the internet playing an online computer game, it's a long distance relationship (450 miles - but that's changing in a few months!).
I'm so incredibly glad I didn't let those things hold me back. My gut instinct was absolutely right - he's a sweet, caring, wonderful person who loves me for everything I am, and doesn't demand anything out of me. He loves me and my body no matter what size it is - I've always felt incredibly comfortable being with him sexually and emotionally. He manages to make me feel like some sort of sex goddess despite my having a LOT of body image issues. He supports me and celebrates my successes in all areas of my life, including weight loss, without making me feel like I'm obligated to lose weight. I can only hope that our relationship will continue to grow and remain as loving and supportive as it is now.
I have struggled with my weight my whole life and now my fiance has to deal with it too (poor guy). When we first got together, and when it was still very new and exciting I kind of lost track of how much I hated my body. Now that we are comfortable and we are getting married in less than 5 months I've started obsessing again about being overweight and no matter what he says about how good I look, etc, etc it doesn't make me feel better. I feel horrible for him because I know he loves me so much and doesn't give a crap about my weight but I just can't get it out of my head. arrrggg....
Oh, yeah, my pattern with guys for years could be basically outlined by Taylor Swift's song "You Belong to Me." Which is somewhat humiliating to admit here publicly, as I am not a Taylor Swift fan at all. (Ummmm ... Joni Mitchell? Billie Holiday? Even Lucinda Williams, in that genre ... but not Taylor Swift.) I thought that I had very little to offer men physically, since they [so my thinking went] want women who are more beautiful. What I have to offer is being a good listener, a confidante, an advice-giver, at times an entertainer. They were supposed to love me for my character & for my intelligence (such as it is). The theory was that, if they got to know me, and if I became indispensible to helping them sort out their feelings, they would gradually come to know me & love me & start to overlook my great physical defect of not being thin enough or sexy enough. Like Beauty & the Beast, you know? Except with the man as the Beauty & me as the Beast.
Yeah, well, it didn't work. What I mostly ended up in was triangular relationships. When we were younger, they confided in me & told me stuff while crushing from afar on some more desirable girl. Or else they got involved with psycho b**tches & kept coming to me for sanity. I was so often on the outside looking in. Also, it made me feel disembodied because they never cared for me physically, only for my great personality & etc. They did all the physical stuff with the other girls. And when I got older, this attracted men who were in bad marriages. Often co-workers. We'd be great friends & they'd be telling me all about their issues with their wives/girlfriends. They'd be committing what I think of as "emotional infidelity." That is, we didn't, uh, do it, but I kept wondering why they weren't having these intense sharing conversations with the women in question.
I really think this kept happening because of my weight & also that I used weight to keep men at a distance physically, though not mentally & emotionally.
Omg! Are you my doppelganger? Seriously! I, too, have had the history of being the "friend" of the cute guys---who would inevitably ask me to hook them up with the cute girl. Sigh. And I do realize now, though it is hard to admit, that maybe I do so much for the guys I date because I think, too, that if they think I am a good person, they will see past my tummy and cellulite. It doesn't really work that way. My recent relationship gave me a glimpse at what true acceptance is. It has also taught me to realize that my relationships do need to be more equal and that I need to just realize that someone out there will like me for who I am, without my feeling like I have to be their everything, ya know?
Ps. I am watching the taylor swift video right now.
My boyfriend will not touch me in any sexual manner until i lose weight, although he got with me when I was only 10lbs lighter than I am now. As he puts it "theres nothing wrong with me wanting an attractive girlfriend i can be proud of" - and it is because of my weight that I am still with him, because I genuinely am too afraid of being single and fat, instead, I plan to leave when I lose more weight.
Prior to him, I had many dates, many one night stands, many many men who i tried very hard to please - who never would commit to me and would never let me meet their friends. I have always blamed this on my weight.
We are the same height, and if I were at your weight, ha! there would be no stopping me! I know I would be wearing so much better clothing than i am now, even though I would probably still be a size 16 or 18 or so.
You are a beautiful person and you do not need to be with someone who doesn't accept you for who you are. I know I am being a hypocrite, because I have the same fears as well....but seriously, while you are wasting time with a guy who isn't respectful, the right guy for you is out there, waiting, hoping you will see that you deserve more than the relationship you described.
I am probably doing the equivalent of yelling through the internet, but omg, I have been there soooo many times. You deserve better! I stayed with a guy who was so horrible to me and to my family and I so regret even meeting him. He was just that horrible a person. And yet, I stayed with him because I thought no one else would want me.
Believe me, what you bf is doing is emotional abuse. he knows that keeping you down, keeping you subservient, is going to keep you around. Don't fall for it. If you two don't live together, I would say run...run for the hills and don't look back. the kind of man who says what you say he has said, is not full of love, only inner self-hatred. You deserve better!!
It was so weird....I had a dream last night about one of my first crushes. It was weird because we were talking on the phone, and his voice sounded just like him! It was so odd....he said he lived on an island near me (not a tropical island, just a tiny little piece of land), and I forgot what he was doing. I was living in a super expensive house. Super expensive.
It was so weird. Dreams like that kind of bother me at times, because that guy is someone...1) I haven't spoken to in over 9 years, 2) kept me as a "friend", but only met with me a few times from my teens to early 20s, and 3) seemed to only turn to me when he was lonely. He is also someone who I thought had a great mind and personality, but I never felt like I was his "type". In other words, from the very beginning I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him, and I listened to him talk about other women, yet, he would inappropriately flirt with me. Not a good relationship for a teenager. Nope, not good at all.
This may sound bad, but I feel like the men I date always just...well...leave me. I always feel like I am just not good enough for them. Even with my ex, I feel like I wasn't good enough for him to want to be with me....like there is something wrong with me that men don't find me valuable or worth the effort. My ex did more for me than anyone else, so it hurts a lot that it seemed like he just couldn't take being with me anymore. I know that is just my opinion, but, I feel like i was lacking something. He is doing better now, and I am happy for that.
When I first started dating the guy I'm with now I weighed 170 and went to the gym everyday and ate good and drank nothing but water and tea all day. Now 2 years later, I weigh 220 pounds and have no energy and so on. I'm very self conscious about my body around him now just because I know when he was initailly attracted to me I was 50 pounds lighter. I don't like him to touch my belly or see me undress or anything which is annoying to him because it never use to be a problem. This is one reason why I'm finally trying to get back in shape again. I want to feel comfortable with him.
I can totally agree with this.... I had the same situation, but my EX BF did care he stoped having sex and being physical with me which caused me to be more self conscious...... My new BF now is having to to pay for that because I still am self conscious (especially since he is a thin fit guy) but he loves the way I look curves and all.....Just hard for me to get over the damage my ex did to me mentally and be happy that my now BF loves me for who I am now and not for a smaller me.
I think my own self-esteem played more into altering my relationships than my actual weight did. For instance I met a guy I really liked, but I met him at a low point in which I was very hard on myself. He noticed it and it definitely made him distance himself from me. We didn't talk for a few months to almost half a year and in that time things happened and I gained a lot more confidence. I had barely lost any weight, but when I saw him and we started talking again, I noticed he seemed 10 times more interested than he was before, despite me looking very much the same.
I also really relate to those that said they had a lot of guy friends. It's like I was hilarious and cool enough to hang out with, but not attractive enough to date. Meh.
Hi, it is really interesting to hear some of the comments on this thread as they do sound very familiar. I've always been overweight - though now only slightly - and felt as though I have always done the running around after men. However, I think this is part of my broader personality - not just to do with being overweight. I'm quite bossy and men I have been involved with are often a bit shy. But that hasn't really led to relationship problems for me as they have also been very nice. That said, I did use to feel fed up about doing so much chasing, and it used to make me worry about whether I was attractive enough for the person I was with. Now that I am slimmer, I am much happier, and no longer worry about whether I am attractive enough. Still bossy though! Thanks to the original poster for bringing this up.
As to the lady who posted above, whose boyfriend says he will not touch her until she is lighter, I agree with others that he is out of order. He may find you less attractive but 10lbs is hardly a massive difference. Of course only you know how your relationship feels and how he treats you - but I think you should seriously consider whether it is working for you.
I agree totally. 10 pounds its not a big difference. He may be worried that that 10 will turn into a 100 or maybe he is just using it as an excuse either way I would try to get to the real reason why he feels that way
I can relate to so many of your stories... most of my life I was always the friend, never the girlfriend. In my teenage years, I was shy, and although I had lost some weight and wasnīt that much overweight I would let the damages of the past interfere. With my first boyfriend, I would never believe him when heīd call me beautiful... after that I had a couple of complicated stories, and then I gained 100lbs, and that pretty much kept me from even thinking about the possibility of dating anyone.
After 4 years, I decided to loose the weight... and my love life while in the process became a mess... I ended it up sexually involved with my two male best friends, and my self-esteem was so low that I would fall for whomever gave me a little attention... both stories didnīt end too well.
And my past is now paying its toll on my current relationship... although he says he loves me, I just donīt believe him, no matter what he does. Weīve been living together for 6 months now, and his desire for me has lowered, he says he thinks itīs normal, as we are living together, I donīt, because my desire didnīt change... and I ofcourse think it has to do with me not being attractive enough, and that brings so many bad baggage from the past, that many times I have thought of ending our relationship just so I wonīt have to feel like that anymore, even though I do love him very much and I know that most of it is all in my head...
I wish I could keep the learnings from the past but erase the scars it has left me...
Until I met and married my husband, I had no real realtionships with anyone. I had crushes, but was painfuly aware that I was overweight and ugly. At least I felt ugly. My mom didn't help matters either. She and my sister used to treat me like crap. She told me once that if I got any fatter, I would have to wear a potato sack for clothing since she wouldn't sew for a fat girl. My sister used to torment me all the time making me cry. That stopped once I discovered than not having much in the way of breasts bothered her, than I had some leverage over her.
I'm also one of Jehovah's Witnesses and made the choice not to date outside of my religion. So that threw another monkey wrench in the works.
Once I got a bit older and started dieting and trying to control my weight, guys started to take notice. But never any guy in my religion.
Three years ago, this handsome looking guy put a smile on my blog page, and I smiled back. It happened a few more times and a few comments later, and we started talking.
I felt scared though. I was sure he was going to lose interest and move on to someone else. He reassured me that he likes curvy heaver girls than skinny. Still even after dating, I was scared he'd walk away. I kept trying to push him away from me. I'd rather not get hurt thank you very much, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.lol
Even being married to him for over two years, and I still have issues. I've never just simply undressed in front of him with him watching me. I'll hunch myself over, trying to hide, and jump under the covers as fast as I can.
I take such good care of him. I make him breakfast, lunch, supper, ect. I clean the house and his clothes, and take care of his daughter like she's mine when she's with us. He just has to say, "Oh my head hurts." and I'll jump up and give him some asprin, or Pepto for an upset tummy, or whatever. I never yell or scream. I take his side on everything, letting him know I am there for him, and will always take care of him. Even though I want to take good care of him because I love him, I feel like I have to so he won't lose interest in me.
Recently, he screwed up big time and started messing with with a woman in our building. It only lasted a few seconds, and he ran away. Even though the heifer is bigger than me, the first thought that popped into my head? "If I were smaller, he wouldn't have done that."
I forgave him for it...I'm hoping that it never happens again. If it does, will I be strong enough to leave? Or will I stay, feeling like I have no where else to go?
I have yet to figure anything out at the moment, as I am still learning...
Just wanted to add that despite a screw up, my husband is super supportive of me. He tells me to do whatever makes me happy. If I lose weight, I should do it for myself cause he loves me no matter what my size is. He even joined me on my diet/lifestyle change. I love him, and hopefuly will be with him for the rest of my life.
Last edited by CrystalZ10; 05-05-2010 at 07:02 PM.
Reason: Personal change in the paragraph...
i dont know about the messing around on you... and personally.. i dont think you should make all his meals.. he is a grown man right? Im not trying to attack you but if a man ever did that to me.. i would kick his *** to the curb... you deserve to be a treated like a goddess.. nothing less.. you deserve to have someone to support you and not mess around on you! i hope you can work that all out though
You really need to love yourself more....even I, who am guilty of doing too much for the guy I am with, am not going to jump up to get pepto bismal, etc. And it doesn't matter how long "messing around" with someone else lasts....it is still messing around.
You are not a doormat, you are a human being. I know I am being a hypocrite, but you have to learn that a good man will love you for who you are, not because you do whatever they say or ask. Being supportive of good health habits should be the norm, not something so unique that you overlook "messing around". sorry, but that just sounds not too good. Please be kind to yourself....you deserve respect as well as love.
sorry, your post just struck a chord in me, and I am sorry you are going through that with your hubby. I have found that men like traditional at times, but they also like independent women who have their own minds. not just a yes all the time kind of gal.
Last edited by milliondollarbbw; 05-05-2010 at 10:47 PM.
I haven't had relationships because of weight issues, not necessarily because I've been very overweight, just 'chubby', but my self perception is way off, and I see myself as larger than I am.
I'm only young, but i feel like I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because i question the guys motives for wanting to be with me, so now i don't even have any experience with dating etc.
I'm friends with a great guy now and we both want more, but I'm very reluctant to give it a chance.
Whilst I'm fairly slim now, I feel like no guy is ever going to want me until I'm skinny, with no fleshier bits or bumps etc. Pretty sad thought really.
I've started obsessing again about being overweight and no matter what he says about how good I look, etc, etc it doesn't make me feel better. I feel horrible for him because I know he loves me so much and doesn't give a crap about my weight but I just can't get it out of my head. arrrggg....
