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Relationship question.....

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Old 04-12-2010, 12:11 AM   #1
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Default Relationship question.....

So what would you ladies do if you were currently in a relationship (which I know many of you are) and you stumbled upon an email or letter to another woman using some of the same "lines" your man has used with you? Now, the email/letter has a date on it from before you were officially a couple.

Would you be upset about the things your man said because he said the same things to you? Or just let it go because it happened prior to your relationship? Is it normal for men (or women) to use the same "lines" in different relationships?
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Old 04-12-2010, 12:38 AM   #2
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I'd probably be a bit hurt and I would dwell on it for a while, just because I do things like that. However, I'd eventually move on. I've said similar things to my current bf and exes. It's how I express myself. So why so I expect any different from him? (Especially, since he's the least creative guy I've ever met!) I'd love to believe that my bf lived in a box and I was the first woman aside from his mother and sister that he ever laid eyes on.....however that wish has yet to come true! I'm sure that he wishes the same thing of me. However, we all have pasts and sometimes you just gotta deal as unpleasant as it may be!

So I'd wallow for a day or two then move on. After all, he's with me and not her!!!
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Old 04-12-2010, 12:58 AM   #3
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I would probably be upset about it and ask him about it.

But do remember he is with you...not her.

And yes it is totally normal for guys to use the same lines, they're not terribly smart sometimes. Hehe.
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Old 04-12-2010, 01:01 AM   #4
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I haven't been in the situation, so I can't say for sure, but I don't think it would bother me.

He, and the way he expresses himself, is pretty much the same as time goes by. I know I have a certain way of speaking and articulating my thoughts that is consistent. So it would make sense that I'd say the same sorts of things about/to someone I cared about.

Your relationship is special, whether or not he's had the same feelings before or not.
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Old 04-12-2010, 01:08 AM   #5
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I am an extremely creative person, and I would still be found "guilty" by that standard.

It's never been an intentional "line," it's just that my "brain poetry" has a flavor and style that would be recognizeable to those who had a reason to recognize it.
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Old 04-12-2010, 05:48 AM   #6
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Something like this happened to me, but far worse. I was gutted for about a week. I was devastated, but I got over it.

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Old 04-12-2010, 07:43 AM   #7
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Obviously they were pretty good lines! Why let it bother you? I mean, when YOU were starting relationships in the past, did you do any of the same things? Say the same sorts of things? Wear some of the same things? I know I did...if it went well with one guy, I tried it with others later down the road.

The thing is...like someone else said. YOU are with him now. Not her. The lines wouldn't bother me.

It WOULD, however, bother me that he's holding onto those letters/e-mails. Maybe that's what is really bothering you?
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:18 AM   #8
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Thanks everyone.

Yeah I agree that it was the past and he's with me now. I don't think he was intentionally holding on to emails. It wasn't something in the "inbox"....they were sent items from almost a year ago. I know I don't always clear sent items.

Anyhow, I hope this passes.

Thanks again
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:18 AM   #9
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Default Re: kaplodian

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
...my "brain poetry" has a flavor and style that would be recognizable to those who had a reason to recognize it.
Yep, it's hard to imagine a sentence that wonderful coming from anyone but kaplods, LOL.
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Old 04-12-2010, 10:07 AM   #10
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I think it's more troubling that you went through at least a year of your boyfriend's sent items. Even if he let you use his email for some reason or another, that seems pretty snoopy.

My mom told me something when I was a kid that has always been true, people who eavesdrop never hear anything they want to hear. The modern twist: people who snoop through old emails, never find anything they want to find.
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Old 04-12-2010, 12:24 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mammasita View Post
So what would you ladies do if you were currently in a relationship (which I know many of you are) and you stumbled upon an email or letter to another woman using some of the same "lines" your man has used with you? Now, the email/letter has a date on it from before you were officially a couple.

Would you be upset about the things your man said because he said the same things to you? Or just let it go because it happened prior to your relationship? Is it normal for men (or women) to use the same "lines" in different relationships?
1) it would depend on when the letter was sent. Was it the first week of being official, was it a long time ago, was it recent?, and 2) men and people in general are creatures of habit. Yes, I would be offended, but I would be offended because it may mean that he is straying or at least flirting in a way that is not appropriate in a relationship.

I had the same situation happen, and while I don't think my ex cheated, I do think that the flirting was a good sign that maybe he was not fully happy in the relationship. Others may disagree, I understand.

I understand about the snooping thing, and I agree that it may not be right. But what if it is your intuition telling you something isn't quite right and THEN you find something? Before I had found out about some inappropriate emails my ex had, I would have never thought he would do that. We seemed so happy at that time.

Snooping isn't good, I admit. But if someone is doing things that aren't respectful, what then?
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Old 04-12-2010, 01:04 PM   #12
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Would you be upset about the things your man said because he said the same things to you? Or just let it go because it happened prior to your relationship?

No. Doesn't bother me. What do I care if he said "I love you" or "Goodnight, sweetheart" or whatever it is to the previous person? They didn't fly, and I'm the one on center stage now.

Is it normal for men (or women) to use the same "lines" in different relationships?


Yes. We all use the same love vocab, esp in the early part of a relationship. Affectionate, but it's pretty generic to go "Hi honey, missed you today!"

Over time as the relationship gathers memories and experiences of its own, the love vocab may take more unique references to reflect all that.


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Old 04-14-2010, 08:13 PM   #13
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I have to agre with the post about reading the letters in the first place! My husband kind of forgot my birthday our first year of marriage (we were SUPER broke and he said happy birthday, but didn't buy me anything, or even MAKE me a card...ugh). So, after not wanting to sleep in the same bed as him, went into his email and read the exchanges from him and his ex-girlfriend, and made myself feel even worse because there he was, remembering HER birthday, and telling HER to have a good day. But it was before we met! lol. I had to tell myself, "Point taken, no need to feel bad because it wasn't intentional, or even wrong of him"...
Still hurt, but not really his fault at all...
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Old 04-15-2010, 04:13 AM   #14
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I like Kemica's response - in relationships, sometimes things "still hurt, but are not really his fault".

and Glory87's mom also has great advice!

I've done some minor snooping too - its true, you never find what you want to find.

However, you did find this information and it hurt. In a relationship, women particularly pride themselves on being "special" and being "the one". We NEED to feel like we are the only one or the relationship does not really work. Then, when you read an email where your boyfriend is using the same terms of endearment with another - even if it was in the past - it takes away the special feeling of being "the one" and now you are feeling like "one of many".

I think the only way you can regain a bit of the healthy narcissistic feeling of being "the one" again is through yourself - not through any talks or reassurance from the boyfriend. For example, forget about the boyfriend for awhile and do something that you like to do - something that helps create the identity you want..... maybe art, music, writing, having fun with friends, a yoga class, a regular jogging schedule, reading a great book in a coffeeshop - do these things.

The point is, you are one of a kind. You are a really great person to be with in a relationship. Don't get upset with your boyfriend, instead, build your own self-confidence back up doing what you love.

I know that this wasn't exactly your question - but I can sense that a little bit of feeling special and unique was taken away from you. You can get it back - but not by being angry and confrontational. You can get this confidence restored by doing things for you that don't have much to do with your boyfriend.
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Old 04-15-2010, 12:15 PM   #15
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Again, thank you everyone for the feedback. Points well taken
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