So, I feel like I am on a semi-mini emotional rollercoaster. The relationship ended almost a month ago, and yet, I feel like my emotions are up and down, up and down.
At times I feel like it is for the best---we had too many differences, I wasn't sure about marriage, I wasn't sure about his fidelity (i.e., could he stay happy in that regards?), I wasn't sure he would be happy for the long term, etc. And at other times I feel like maybe I was too hard on him, maybe I didn't do enough, maybe I wasn't as supportive as I could have been (even though he tells me that I was more supportive than anyone else and that is why he wants to be there for me whenever I need help), etc., etc., etc.
I find myself ok on some days, and crying at night on other days. I tried to get back out in the dating world, but the minute there is something icky about a potential date (why, why, why ask me my cup size? how unclassy is that?) I just get turned off and don't even bother replying.
I feel like my ex is a really good man and I feel bad that maybe I could have been more supportive and understanding. I also feel like the reality is that our relationship went through so much towards the end because he was going through so many life challenges (family and job stuff), and there was no time for us. I feel like we lost our relationship because all of the energy focused on trying to get through the challenges, trying to pay bills with less money, etc. We essentially stopped dating and when we did do things together, they were mainly chores and errands and things that needed to be done, but not time together just focused on us as a couple.
So, when my ex and I spoke recently, he said something like he was worried that I might be thinking that our break-up was temporary or that nothing had changed since our big talk. I never said that and not sure what he meant by that, but he is really hard to understand, so I am not sure of what he was saying. I think he is worried because we still talk. Sigh. He got upset because I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. We both said that we love each other and want to be each other's friend. It is so weird cause I don't know how he really feels (does he miss me?). I do know that things with his family are still stressing him, so he is still dealing with the same things that he was dealing with when we were together.
Sigh. It just feels like an emotional rollercoaster. I will always love him and want him in my life. I just don't know about us getting to a place where we are discussing our new partners, etc.