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I don't understand boys.

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Old 12-15-2009, 07:01 PM   #1
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Default I don't understand boys.

At least, not THIS boy.

The setup: I've been dating this guy casually since August. We had both recently gotten out of tough breakups when we met, so we decided to try dating but to go really, really slow.

We'd date once a week or so -- plays, movies, etc., and they always went well (or I thought so, anyway). Sometimes I'd stay over at his place because he'd ask me to, and we'd cuddle. We'd talk for hours. I had a great time.

Anyway... it's been a week and a half since our last date and it's like he's dropped off the face of the earth. No calls, no emails, which isn't like him. I sent him one email asking to set up a date like usual, and I called him once a few days after that, but he hasn't responded to either. In my phone message I said at the end (lightly), "Haven't heard from you in a while, starting to wonder if everything's okay. Let me know?" It annoys me that he wouldn't even try to contact me when he knows I'm wondering what's going on.

Is he no longer interested? Is there another girl? He could at least have the courtesy to let me know. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing... or maybe he's not worth my time, I don't know... thoughts? I don't know what to do. I don't think I can contact him again without seeming stalkerish.
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Old 12-15-2009, 09:25 PM   #2
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DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. PERIOD! Skyra, i swear, i will NEVER understand why men do the things they do...the most important thing you can do is remember that it is NOT you! They are wired SO completely different from us, things we see as problems, they don't see at all...just don't blame yourself for anything. I went thru **** and back with my boyfriend i have now, and i laid in bed night after night wondering WHAT was wrong with me or WHAT i could have done differently, i literally ate my own brain...when push came to shove, he just wasn't ready for a girlfriend at that time. of course he couldn't TELL me that...why i don't know...i think they do that to avoid looking like the bad guy...but of course that is what MAKES them the bad guy (ie: the sex and the city episode where gerber breaks up with carrie on a post-it). go take care of yourself...do things for YOU. GO TO THE GYM!! just think how FABULOUS you are making yourself...all to be HIS loss. i know it's easy for me to say "don't dwell" but TRUST ME...i have BEEN there and understand. right now, it's all about chillin' with your girlfriends, cuz they will ALWAYS be there.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:00 PM   #3
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I agree with shoeluver. You can do better. Think of him like a rebound and now you can find a real relationship.

Good luck!
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Old 12-15-2009, 11:03 PM   #4
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hmmm.. I see another facet of this..I could be wrong.

it could be he's getting to close to you, and is uncomfortable. The freakout about commitment thing. Plus, he just recently got hurt. And so did you. rebound relationships are rough because you don't know if it is real or vulnerability.

He may A) be trying to distance himself for fear of getting hurt
B) Think your relationship is a mistake
C) be distancing himself because he really likes you and is unsure of
what to do next, men have periods of AWKWARD withdrawals
when they have to figure things out.

So what can you do? Give him his space. A couple of days, if he hasn't contacted you, then call him and say "i'd like to know where we are in our relationship". If he does contact you, then ask him then and there. Casually, not demanding.
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Old 12-15-2009, 11:12 PM   #5
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Hi Skyra,

I'm so sorry you're going through this....no matter what the reason, it's painful to be rejected or ignored. I can tell you that this guy sounds like a guy I know. He was in a serious relationship with the girl he wanted to marry. He then offended her in the worst possible way (told her she's ugly, and I think she wasn't too confident about her looks anyway) when he was stressed about work. He tried to get her back, but she wouldn't go back to him. She never looked back (good for her). Anyway, he ended up going out with some other girls, but none of them could compete with the one who left him.

What I'm trying to say is that there could be a whole bunch of baggage there that has nothing at all to do with you.

I'm also of the mindset that no guy leaves a woman because he feels he's getting too close. If he wants you, he'll be courting you and doing anything he can to be with you. This is unacceptable.

You are SO MUCH better than that and you DESERVE to be treated like the princess that you are!
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Old 12-15-2009, 11:17 PM   #6
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Quite a few years ago I was dating a boy pretty seriously and a similar thing happened. He dropped off the face of the earth. I was like what the ****.

A couple weeks later, he told me that his parents came to visit and that they went on a road trip. It would've been nice to know prior to them visiting but no. This was someone I talked to nearly every day if not every day so it was a bit concerning.
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Old 12-16-2009, 03:09 PM   #7
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I kind of agree with Jen there...I'd say wait until he calls you...you should just go out and have fun while he's ignoring you. If he really wants you he will call you
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Old 12-17-2009, 01:33 PM   #8
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Thanks, guys. I don't know what's going on. Guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.
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Old 12-17-2009, 04:19 PM   #9
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yeah, I agree with Jen too. and I can see Nelie's point, guys process these things differently.
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:03 PM   #10
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Boys are weird...i was talkn to this one guy everyday he supposedly "loved n wanted to marry me" then one day he just stopped and I was like ummm ok then a month later he calls asking me where we stand in our "relationship" I said watever happens happens and he was like ok call u tomorrow just like he never dissapeared. Tommorrow came he called once I couldn't answer so he left a sweet vmail and that was the last I heard from that guy lol its been 3wks I say just let him call and if he doesn't who cares there are many fish in the sea
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:35 PM   #11
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Have total sympathy. Not sure agree with Luckymommy that a guy won't leave because he's getting too close. I have just had that happen to me - was seeing a guy casually for 8 months. He had been badly hurt twice in the past and said he didn't do relationships. However, it was apparent we were getting closer, and our last time together had a really fabulous time. He seemed to be getting closer to me and was talking about things in the future. The next night he called to end it - basically he had got scared as he is petrified of being hurt again and he felt we were getting too close - first time I've been dumped because the guy likes me too much!
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Old 12-17-2009, 09:01 PM   #12
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I was dating this guy a few years ago and he did something like this. The ******* totally ignored me! Made me feel like a serious douchebag. Sometimes I STILL wonder what happened! I don't know if it was me or not. I keep replaying events from our last few meetings in my mind like I'm going to say "Oh yeah. I forgot about that. That's what I did to turn him off." That just makes me paranoid and I don't need that. I really don't even care about him, but I'm obsessed with how I played into it! I mean, if I did something I would like to know so I can avoid doing it again, right?

Meh, anyway. The truth is he either met someone else, decided he wasn't into me, or is a total wuss. (I know he wasn't dead because he was updating his MySpace page. haha) And if any of those things are true, I don't want him anyway! It wouldn't even be an issue if my ego wasn't hurt. Thoughts like: "HOW DARE HE! I would have had the decency to tell him how I felt." kept me angry for a while.

At least he didn't have any of my CDs when he disappeared. Besides, I've got a great boyfriend now. Waaaaaaaaaay better than that loser.

But seriously, How DARE he?
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:47 PM   #13
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you know, I can understand having empathy and sympathy and all that with guys who have experienced crap or whatever, I have my own baggage and fears. there just seems to me, with any relationship that's budding, that there comes a point when you have to say ok, grow up, get a grip, I want someone who can be a stable emotional force in my life who I can count on to be there.

that comes from a woman who feels like she's always been way too easy on the guys in her life
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:21 PM   #14
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Honestly? Same thing happened to me. It really hurt - I cried a lot - And then I realized he was a COWARD for pulling a disappearing act instead of calling and saying he "didnt' think it would work out" (Or whatever line you wanna give). I have never just disappeared off the face of the earth when Iw as seeing someone I realized wasn't right for me. I told them, sorry, I just don't think this will work out.
So after that guy disappeared on me? Yeah he's a coward. And I don't deserve to be with a coward!! Neither do you!! f him.
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:39 PM   #15
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Email him or something similarly noncommittal -- and say, hey, I'm going on a date with this other guy, I wanted to give you a chance, but you're about to lose it. That gives him one last chance.

Alternatively, forget him. He's nothing. You can do so much better than this b***s***. I was sort-of dating this guy last year who pulled the same crap (in his defense... so did I ) and it was just unhealthy. Neither of us was committed enough to make it work, so it didn't, that's all. I agree with what people have posted above. If he was too much of a wuss to talk to you maturely, he wasn't really BF material in any case.
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