thank you for all the well wishes, it really helps
my mother was a very strong woman emotionally, and i kinda got that from her, it's just slipped a bit in the last few weeks. i keep trying to think of any positive things i can find in my situation. one i have thought of regarding losing the car, is i will Have to walk to do things which will be good for me. having a car, it is too easy to just get in it to even run to the corner market. i have always been really bad about that. now i wont have that option. i think one of the things that has made it soooo hard on me, is i held moms hand as she died. i am glad i did for her sake cause she didnt die alone, but it was very hard on me. i woke up at 6 that am, and checked on her and she was 'guppy' breathing. i knew from hospice that guppy breathing is the last thing to happen usually and they usually pass within an hour or so. he eyes were open but she wasnt focusing on anything, and i just held her hand and kept telling her i loved her more than life. she really passed very calmly for which i am thankful, the prob is i close my eyes and still see her vacant stare and the guppy breathing. it was both the sweetest moment of my life and the worst if that makes any sense.
i feel this overwhelming need to get healthy and 'live'. i gave myself till monday(tomoz) to indulge in my own self pity and eat what i want and just take time to grieve. i will still grieve and i know that will go on for years, but im in kind of a panic to lose my weight and get healthy.. prob cause i have had my own mortality kinda shoved in my face, and i see all the time i have wasted not being able to do things i want to do cause im so big.
as for needing legal things for the divorce, i dont. we dont have anything we need to split up as one of the reasons im divorcing him is he had no drive, blew money and we have nothing. he is british which is why i was over seas, and we are just going our seperate ways. im not in love with him anymore as there has been too much crap the last 6 months as i was taking care of mom, but it still is another failed marriage which hurts a bit, but i will get over it. hospice had said i couldnt go to work and leave mom at all or she would have to go to a foster home as she couldnt be left alone. i asked hubby to come over and watch mom during the day so i could work so when she did pass i wouldnt be in this situation of no money and no place other than my sis's to go. he said he didnt want to come take care of her and i could handle it.. well, i did handle it alone... and will handle the rest ON my own lol.
i dont have any friends around here to talk to or have a shoulder to cry on so that has made it kinda hard, but posting here honestly has helped. knowing that strangers for the most part can empathize and send me well wishes is wonderful. it proves there are good people in the world even tho sometimes it doesnt seem like it, and i again thank you all.