this was our lunchtime discussion at work...


given that cheating is wrong.
given that said person (not me) did cheat.
given it was very short lived in duration.
given said person has incredible remorse and has never before and will never cheat again.
given said person has atoned in an acceptable way for them.
given said person in in counseling to find out why it happened and prevent from happening again.

the debate was ...if said person hasnt and doesnt intend to tell their spouse now or ever (which is not up for debate. they refuse and that is their business).
if and when (doubtful this will come to pass) the spouse finds the said person cheated; will it cause more pain then? or would it be less painful to find out now?

also given if spouse was to find out, it would result in divorce.

which the cheater doesnt want now or ever.

my questions is focused on simply NOW or LATER.

what do you think?

I think it would be very lonely to be in a marriage you knew only existed because you were lying to your spouse.

The thing is: does the cheater think that the relationship will end in divorce if they tell their spouse outright?

It might be more painful to find out later, because then you've just been oblivious for how every long it took to find out. But it seems to be that the cheater has changed and sought out the correct (IMO) path to move past the issue and has shown the correct amount of remorse.

I cheated on my SO once, about four months into our relationship. I waited another four months to tell her. Waiting was the best choice I could have made. Yes, she could have found out between the time I told her and when it happened. Yes, that would have ended our relationship but I still stand by waiting. Maybe not waiting until never, but if they want the relationship to continue, timing could be everything.

If it will hurt another person, don't say it. and it hurts no matter when you find out. Divorced 5 years from a cheating ex-spouse. Married 21 years. He cheated the entire marriage.

I say being the spouse of a cheater is very painful but I would rather know the truth than be lied to.

I think cheater should CEASE and DESIST and keep their mouth shut. To "fess up" will only soothe their own concious. It will be very damaging to their spouse and to the relationship itself if it is to ever surface.

true.........but (being devils advocate) if we are all human and make mistakes? and said person made a whopper and is doing all that they can to determine WHY and prevent from happening again? should the souse be told which would cause them pain and (in the cheaters mind-which may or may not be true) cause a dissolution of marriage that might be saved by witholding the knowledge of a mistake(bad choice, whatever...CHEATING)?

that was the debate.
if spouse does get told NOW or LATER; which would cause more pain?
to spouse. cant imagine the cheater being in more pain.

to clarify...........the cheater doesnt know divorce will happen. and i get the impression that if cheater told (whenever); it would be the cheater that would seek divorce.

out of guilt and shame.

Honestly, the pain is going to be there no matter what and probably it would end up hurting just as bad either way. The point though is that by not telling their spouse then they lack respect and love, in my opinion, for that person. Apparently they care more about how they feel and do not really value, in my opinion, the other person. The person isn't fessing up because they don't want their marriage to end. That to me is selfish.

I made a mistake once, it didn't go anywhere except for emotionally (emotionally cheating), but it was still a mistake and in my eyes cheating. I fessed up KNOWING it could end my relationship. I respect and love my boyfriend so much that keeping such a destructive thing to myself just wasn't right. The thing is I didn't do anything beyond a certain point and when I realized what I was doing, which was actually self destructive, I stopped and said no. It still doesn't make it right and living in a lie isn't fair on my boyfriend or anyone. That is how I feel about it. My boyfriend gave me a second chance and you know what? We are so strong now and neither of us would ever do something like that. Of course I didn't go beyond said point, so it probably isn't the same situation.

I also want to note that not ALL couples break up after something like this happens. It usually though, I believe, changes the relationship and people. Some work hard to be together and others, probably more than the first grouping, split up and go their separate ways.

I mean if we went through our life not saying or confessing things because it might hurt another person, then that to me is just an open book for someone to do what they want.

I'll preface this by saying I'm not at all the right person to answer this question. But I'm bored.

I think that the feelings of betrayal, disrespect, etc. would be basically the same now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now, whatever.

But, since the spouse has decided that cheating leads to instant divorce, it would be a lot more painful to find out years from now, and think about how they could have ended it earlier and spent that "lost" time finding someone new who WOULD be faithful to them.

i "think" it isnt the spouse but the cheater that believes that cheating= instant divorce.

cant ask the spouse. but my curiousity is killing me to know what the spouse would say if asked (in the abstract).

AINT GONNA DO IT!!!

cant cause i dont know them..
thank goodness....nosy nosy nosy...<------me.

I don't think that the person should tell. Truth is good but in a case like that where it was a single instance then the person should just keep their mouth shut and deal with their own guilt. A lot of times cheaters will tell to alleviate their guilt.

i havent given my opinion yet so here goes:

if the cheater saw the "mistake, bad choice, CHEATING" as anything other than a symptom of a bigger problem? then they shoud tell now. because if they just CHOSE to cheat, it is the epitome of disrespect. but if they ACTED (cheated) out of thier own pain and fear and history and they DONT KNOW WHY they did?

then they owe themselves the respect to find out why. and if they decide they did it cause they "wanted to or chose to" ? they should leave.

not tell. leave. leave the marriage and show respect for the other person by taking responsibility for their actions and CHOOSING to do something.

but to add to the mix....if your spouse told you they cheated?

what would be your first question?
(after the yelling and tears and the HOW COULD YOU's)

mine would be....."WHY"?

the cheater doesnt know yet.

I'm going to throw a slightly different twist in here.

Given that you all know who this person is, and are discussing it around the lunchroom table, and that the cheating occurred is apparently common knowledge among people other than the cheater...he needs to tell her now.

Because no matter how much hurt it will give her to find out from him, it's a fraction of what she'll feel when a coworker drops it at the Christmas party/lets it slip to a friend/etc and the cheatee finds out from someone else before he tells her.

My answer might have changed had he not let it be known by anyone other than him and (possibly) the person he cheated with, but since others know, she WILL find out eventually. Best from him than anyone else.

I don't know... I would want to know.

And almost always... the truth comes out.

But oftentimes, the cheater is counseled to NOT tell because they usually only end up telling because #1 they are worried about getting caught or #2 they feel sick with guilt and don't want to suffer with it any longer.

But in my personal life, tell me.