I mentioned in an earlier post that I have a sister who is really, really poor. She can't ever afford to buy gifts, especially lately. Last year, instead of giving her a gift, I bought her whole family a box of fancy assorted hot chocolate from Costco. It was very inexpensive and I wanted to give them something, but what I did NOT want to do was to embarrass her. I agree with the theory that we don't give gifts on the condition that we get them in return, but sometimes the decision to not give someone a gift isn't for selfish reasons, but to not embarrass them by highlighting their inability to reciprocate.
I don't think this is what the OP's issue is, though. I think the gifts (or lack therof) are a symbol of family dynamics. I think that she fears or feels that she is being punished or unloved, and the seemingly thoughtless gifts are physical representations of that.
If the OP finds it too hurtful to continue to send thoughtful, pretty gifts while knowing that she will never get something equally thoughtful in return, then my suggestion stands--it's time to just call a halt to the madness. I'd do it soon, though, so you don't have to try to figure out how to break it to them as the holidays get nearer.
I personally find the whole Christmas season to be a frenzied, expensive nightmare. There are parts I really like, such as the family Christmas Eve party that I host, Christmas dinner, the tree, etc. But for many years, I had very limited funds and it was horribly stressful for me to try to select gifts that had any meaning at all for people I barely knew, on my shoestring budget.
Our family has never given gifts to each other.Even as a young child, we did not receive gifts.We have always adopted a needy family from the Salvation Army and bought gifts for them instead.As a young child, I loved this time of year...receiving the family information..and loved shopping for their gifts.I and my siblings have continued this tradition with our own children.We always get together for a big family dinner 2 weeks before the holiday to wrap and deliver gifts to the family.Awesome experience every year!
Last year Angie and I and my adult son and dil and adult daughter and sil, my adult step-d and nephew bought all of our gifts from the World Vision catalogue....I didn't get anything...best Christmas I ever had!
we started doing presents for the kids in the family and then the whole steal-a-gift game where everyone brings a gift for the adults and then we all draw a number, 1 goes first, picks the present they want opens it... then 2 goes and can either steal the gift or open a different one and so on. it's pretty fun. last year i got a nice set of miracle blade knives. someone else got a nice little mp3 player. fun and fairly easy. hubby's family is just too damn big.
my family we always did gifts. but we're too scattered now so we don't do anything anymore.
I definitely think this situation is more about family dynamics as well, and it's about setting boundaries which needs to be done.
For me, the older I get, the more I see the whole holiday mess as miserable obligations to other people. And I hate that I feel that way - but I definitely wish things were different. I do not enjoy all the time I have to spend w/ relatives that aren't mine who frankly I don't really enjoy. lol.
Last year, for my in laws, we donated to a charity in their name. Best Friends animal league. We also donated to their local animal shelter (in our name though) and told them about it. They had said the local animal shelter was hurting and they were donating so we did as well.
Last year Angie and I and my adult son and dil and adult daughter and sil, my adult step-d and nephew bought all of our gifts from the World Vision catalogue....I didn't get anything...best Christmas I ever had!
The Heifer Project is another worthwhile project, if you want to give to others more needy than we are.
I think there are two criteria to consider in this situation: first, do what is best for you. Second, do what is least hurtful to them.
It sounds to me like the best goal is to find a way to forage a positive bond with your father. I'd probably bake them some cookies and write them a nice hand-written letter to send along with it, and tell him things about your life. I wonder if deep down he misses you (under the self-esteem/arrogance/guilt/whatever issues he has), and the thing that will help him behave better is just giving him a part of what he lost when you moved.
In my family, we decided that once we had children of our own.. that the "gift" part of Christmas would be for the kids & our parents. So, my sister & brother & I no longer get gifts for each other, but we buy for each others children and we each give our mom & dad gifts.
In your situation, I would maybe tell them that since a big part of Christmas is thinking about others (those were his words to you!) & those that are less fortunate, you have decided that from now on, your gifts for family will be giving some money to a charity in their name. It would be petty of him to argue about giving money to charity.
That said, I really like the idea of a video Christmas letter. That would be very cool to receive
If you give to project like Heifer International in your father's name they will send him a thank you letter saying you have given in his name, etc. We do this every year at my church ( You can do it indidually, though) and two years ago BILL Gates matched all donations. If it is good enough for Bill Gates it should be good enough for your dad.
I think it's very common for people to play a terrible game with giftgiving occasions called "if you really loved me, you'd know me well enough to give me the perfect gift."
I have a few relatives (I won't name, since many would recognize my screen name) who give truly horrible gifts. Even when I give them a list, at their request, they find a way to stick to the list and still get it wrong somehow (wrong size, wrong color). I used to think it meant they didn't "really" know or love me, but now I just think they suck at choosing gifts. I wouldn't dream of telling them that their gift was off-base (personally, I just don't think that's appropriate. To me the desire for a better gift next time, just isn't worth hurting the gift giver). I just act as if it's the most perfect gift, and then return, resell, regift, or donate.
I used to spend a lot of time and money trying to give "the perfect gift," to all family members, but it was torture if the person didn't see it as perfect as I did. I was hurt when I was given a gift that was "not me," and I felt the person should have known that.
I'm learning to be more charitable, both in giving and receiving. And I don't mean monetarily, because we and many of my family members don't have much money. I'm a lot more tolerant of gifts that are off-track, and more tolerant of less than perfect responses to my gifts. If I expect a certain level of enthusiasm for a gift I've given, it means to me that it wasn't really a gift, but a "trade." When you look at gifts as "trade," you're really disappointed when the gift you receive isn't as good as (your perceived) value of the gift you gave. You were gipped. But, if the purpose of a gift is truly a gift - it doesn't matter if you get anything back. By looking at it this way, I kind of feel like I've "won" if the gift I give is "better" than the one I received (that's not a completely generous motive either, and I've got to watch that - or I can end up making people feel bad that my gift was "superior" in some way).
If giving or receiving isn't a joy - even when done imperfectly - it's just not worth it.
The oppposite is also true: You don` just take and expect and never reciprocate. This is ungrateful (except when you cannot afford it).
I find it wrong for adult kids to keep expecting and thinking they get away with never giving anything back. If that`s the parents however, I simply find it abnormal.
I think the gifts (or lack therof) are a symbol of family dynamics. I think that she fears or feels that she is being punished or unloved, and the seemingly thoughtless gifts are physical representations of that.
Thank you for putting it so well!
My dad is a very self-centered, self-rightous and narcissistic person. He needs to be valued and adored and seems to see presents (the more expensive and representative the better) as a tool we, his children, should use to show him (and the rest of the world) that we do.
On the other hand, he seems to think that I have disappointed him (in terms of lifestyle and emigrating). In his eyes, I probably don`t deserve appreciation from him, and a nice, thoughtful present would be exactly that. So he uses the lack of acknowledgement at Christmases and birthdays (same story) to show me that I have not earned anything.
He does not seem to see the connection, I can only assume that it`s two different things for him, the giving and receiving. Because it is not about presents but clearly about other things. The presents are just a means of communication where words may not be used.
I hope the new economy will bring Christmas back closer to the reason for the season.
Yes, I think that, too (unrelated to my own family problems). If everyone really spends what they claim to spend, it`s just crazy oftentimes and downscaling is very much needed!
Done that - it was rum truffles. He did not say very much on the phone that night, but two days later he remarked: "The chocolates are gone, just like that." He was dissatisfied because his present did not last long enough.
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I wonder if deep down he misses you (under the self-esteem/arrogance/guilt/whatever issues he has), and the thing that will help him behave better is just giving him a part of what he lost when you moved.
Yes, I think so, I really do. And for that, I need to be punished.
